Warnings: Mentions of depression, lots of self-doubt/self-deprecation, negative self talk, angst

Word Count: 2058

Author's Note: Again, everything in this series is based on my own experiences with depression and anxiety! I understand that everyone experiences these things differently. 

*     *     *

"Tyler, you idiot!" I yelled.

I smacked my hand into the steering wheel. It stung, so I flexed my fingers to release the pain.

"Idiot. Idiot. Idiot," I muttered as I stuck the keys into the ignition.

The car roared to life, although it took me a few tries to actually get the keys where they were supposed to be. My hands were shaking as I tried to plug the aux cord into my phone. Music. I needed music. Something to drown out the thoughts.

I turned the radio up to full volume. The bass was shaking the entire car as I pulled away from the curb, but that's what I wanted.

I shouldn't have lied.

I should go back. Tell her the truth. Why had I even lied in the first place?

I turned the music up louder and mumbled along to the lyrics of the song that was playing, just to give my mind something else to focus on. My eyes were brimmed with tears, making the road look fuzzy. I blinked them away as much as I could and wiped the rest away with the back of my hand. Getting home wouldn't take long, and as soon as I was there I could let go.

I practically stumbled through the door to my apartment and collapsed onto the couch. The tears were coming freely now, streaming down my cheeks and falling onto my dark jeans. My entire body was shaking; it was full of adrenaline and anger and a million other feelings that I couldn't quite place.

Pity-flirting? Really? That was the best lie that I could come up with?

"God, you're so stupid, Tyler," I mumbled.

The look on her face... I couldn't get it out of my mind. She had looked so upset. More upset than I had ever seen her before, except for maybe the night that she told me she had feelings in the first place.

And I was the cause of it.

I stood up and began to walk laps around the living room. If only my mind could shut up for two minutes and allow me to think about this clearly. Of course, my mind didn't shut up and it just began to throw insults at me.

That was the root of the problem, wasn't it?

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up."

I pushed the palms of my hands deep into my eyes. Colors filled the dark space behind my eyelids, but that was quickly ended when I collided into the couch. My knee buckled from the impact and I fell forward onto it.

I couldn't even walk right.

This wasn't going to work. I didn't want to spend the rest of the night being the prisoner of my own thoughts, so I began to search the apartment for something to do. There had to be a movie that I hadn't seen in a while or a TV series that I could binge in one sitting. I just needed something that would take my mind off of my stupid actions and stop me from this downward spiral.

I needed her.

*     *     *

Beep-beep. Beep-beep.

I rolled over and smacked my hand straight into the nightstand. The pain made me wince, but I shook it out and grabbed my phone. It would be irresponsible for me to hit snooze a third time, so I pressed the end button and forced myself up into a sitting position.

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and stared at the wall. One minute. That's how long I had been awake and I was already ready to go back to bed. My entire night had been spent tossing and turning, floating somewhere between being asleep and being awake. When I did sleep, it was plagued with nightmares.

After a few more minutes of staring at the wall, I got out of bed and pulled a pair of sweatpants on over my boxers. My feet scuffed against the wooden floors as I slowly moved towards the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee. It didn't take long for the thoughts to snake their way into my mind. I let them stay there as I waited for the coffee to brew.

She's too good for you.

You've ruined everything.

Things will never be the same now.

I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, trying to rid the thoughts from my mind. The quiet hum of the coffee machine stopped, so I opened my eyes again. The mug was full now. I grabbed it and wandered over to the window.

A few cars were driving by on the street below. I watched them go past, bumping slightly over the uneven street. For a moment, my mind was at peace.

I couldn't say when I realized that I was in love with Y/N. There had been no light bulb that switched on. No magical moment when all the clues clicked into place. No sudden tug in my chest when it felt like I was seeing her for the first time all over again. None of it.

Part of me wondered if I had always been in love with her, ever since the moment she took the seat next to me in English and gave me that all-too-familiar smile. But I had been young then and the concept of love was far from the forefront of my mind, so we were friends. And for awhile, that was fine.

Time had continued on and the feeling that I had always chocked up to mere friendship began to seem like something much more. Despite my best attempts to push the feelings away, they only grew stronger. I found myself more and more drawn to her. Any excuse to be around her was a good one and when I was with her, nothing else mattered. She quieted the demons that so often plagued my mind.

I sighed and ran a finger around the edge of my coffee cup, pulling myself back to reality for a moment. On the street below, a particularly agitated driver honked at another that was taking too long to parallel park. The corner of my mouth curled into a smile, if only for a moment.

Just as quickly as I had pulled myself back into reality, I slipped away from it. My mind resumed where it had left off without missing a beat.

There was nothing I wanted more than to tell Y/N how I felt. I had played out the scenario in my head countless times, imagining what she would say in response. It always managed to put a smile on my face for a second, just thinking about what it would be like to tell her all the reasons I loved her.

Until I remembered the reasons why I wouldn't.

I rubbed idly at my temple with my free hand as I began to run over the list of reasons. They were as familiar to me as any song lyric that I had ever written.

I was broken. Unworthy of love. Incapable of giving her the relationship she deserved. I was lucky that she had kept me around so long, even if just as a friend. There were other guys who were so much better than me. Her feelings for me were a joke.

It was a tiring game, the one that I played with myself.

I gulped down the rest of my coffee and tossed the mug into the sink, filling it with just enough water that it wouldn't end up staining the cup. If I wanted to avoid getting stuck in this spiral all day, I needed to get out and do something. Maybe Josh would be willing to hang out.

I shuffled back towards my room so that I could actually start to get ready for the day. My phone was still sitting on my bedside table, so I picked it up and dialed Josh as I began to look for a shirt to wear. Most of the shirts I owned were ones Y/N had helped me pick out. Typical.

"Hello?" Josh answered.

"Hey, Josh. How's it hanging?"

"Pretty good. How's it going with you?"

"I'm alive," I laughed as I pulled out a blue shirt. It was one of the few I had bought on my own. It would do.

"That's always good to hear."

"Yeah. Anyway, the reason I called."

"Yeah?"

"You want to do something today? Not band-related, maybe?"

Josh laughed quietly, "You need some bro time, huh?"

"You could say that."

I put the phone on speaker so that I could pull the shirt on. It was a little looser than I remembered it being.

"I'm having lunch with my sister in twenty minutes, but I'm totally down to do something after."

"That's perfect. I need a little time to get ready."

"Alright, I'll text you in a little while then. We can figure out something to do."

"Sounds great."

"Later, Tyler."

"Bye."

Josh ended the call and I took a seat on the edge of the bed. It would be easier to stay in bed today and let myself think about all the things I had done wrong, but I knew that was a bad decision. Hopefully spending some time with Josh would be just the distraction I needed.

*     *     *

"There he is!" Josh smiled as I slid into the passenger seat of his car.

"Hi," I answered, forcing a smile.

"Alright, where are we off to?"

"I hadn't really thought about it."

"Want to grab some food?"

"Sure. Pizza?"

"Always," Josh laughed.

He pulled away from the curb, nearly hitting another car as he did so, and took off down the street. Music was playing softly, but I recognized it as one of his favorite bands. Josh had the tendency to play whatever he wanted in the car, regardless of who he was driving with. Y/N always played something that we both liked.

Could she just stay off my mind for two seconds?

"Tyler?"

I hadn't even realized Josh had been talking to me.

"Huh?"

"I asked how you were doing. Twice."

"Oh yeah, I'm great," I nodded. "Doing really well."

"Are you sure? Because you just spaced out. Hard."

"I didn't get much sleep last night," I excused. "Three solid hours, maybe. The rest was just waking up every twenty minutes or so."

"Aw man, that sucks. Was something on your mind?"

I bit down on my lip for a second, debating if I wanted to tell Josh about what had happened.

"Nope. Sleep problems just run in my family."

Josh went off on a tangent about how some of his family members had the same issue, but I wasn't really listening. He eventually finished his story and turned to me.

"Ah," I nodded.

He shook his head, "Sorry, you're exhausted and I'm just talking your ear off about my family. I'll change the topic. How was hanging out with Y/N yesterday?"

I inhaled sharply at the mention of Y/N. The same stupid thoughts filled my mind, telling me about how terrible of a person I was. How I didn't deserve her, even as a friend. How I was...

"It was fun," I said, adding a bit of artificial excitement to my voice. "We just played video games and stuff. You know, the usual."

"That sounds nice. You know, I'd like to meet her someday."

"I'm sure you will. She'll probably come to a couple shows, once we start playing more."

"Right! We need to figure out some good venues to start playing once the album is out. A mini tour, of sorts," he smiled.

"Yeah, a mini tour," I said, matching his smile.

I scooted a little lower in my chair and looked out the window. Hanging out with Josh was supposed to distract me from everything that had happened, but instead it seemed to be making everything worse. I couldn't get Y/N off my mind, no matter how hard I tried, and Josh bringing her up surely wasn't helping.

Maybe one day I could work past all of this. All of the doubt that was holding me back from falling in love. All the fear that nobody would ever be able to love someone like me.

Maybe one day I could tell Y/N I loved her.