october 29th 2014

dear yuri,

january 11th 2009.

i was standing in the hallway of the hospital with you on one side and your mother on the other. anyone would pass by us and shoot us a look of shock and surprise before turning back around to finish walking and finish whatever they were doing moments before.

your cries had been loud enough for the people in the other side of the hallway to hear. your mother's sobs were also loud, but not as loud as yours. and at that moment, the doctor had come out of the room just to look at us with a look of pity. his eyes were wide before the three words slid out of his mouth.

"he is dead." he shut his mouth for a few seconds as he looked over your mother's face and your face. he didn't even dare look at me before saying one last thing; "we did all we could to save him. we are sorry." he bowed and walked away with the other doctor's trailing behind him like they were his minions. he was sorry, he said. just to walk away and forget about it a couple seconds after.

just as you guys were starting to accept the fact that he was in that hospital room dying, that doctor had to come out and break out the news of his death. of course, that's his job. but seeing you hurt made my heart shatter.

a few seconds later, loud footsteps were heard by the three of us as your brother barged in. he stopped running from a distance before falling on his knees at the sight of you and your mother crying.

he knew he was too late. he didn't even have the chance to say goodbye to his own father. and now he was dead.

i continued to stand as i stared at the three of you breaking down. a few of my own tears slipped from my eyes. your father was like my second father. he treated me like i was his own. he always used to drop hints at me that he wanted me to marry you and be his son in-law. he used to joke about me marrying you and the five of us becoming a family.

"aren't we already a family?" i used to ask him. he patted my back before laughing and asking me to join him with whatever he was doing.

and that's when it struck me. we wouldn't have the chance to do that again. i wouldn't hear his jokes anymore. i wouldn't hear him blabbering about how much he'd do for his children. how much he loved his family. how much he considered me as his own.

and that's when i felt it. i felt the pain. so the first thing that i did was pull you in for a hug as i whispered, "let all your pain out." you cried and screamed for what seemed to be hours. you tightened your grip on me as i continued to hug you. you knew i wasn't going to let go but your grip was so right as if i was going to let go.

a couple hours passed as our cries started to quiet down. the hallways of the hospital started to become emptier as we sat on the floors. your mother had suddenly turned to look at me as she told me to go inside his hospital room with her.

your brother asked to follow along but she declined, stating that she didn't want him to break down again. although it was hard to agree with her, he nodded his head and scooted next to you as he tried to comfort you.

i followed your mother as she asked to see your father's face for the last time before he was officially gone. the doctor quickly agreed, letting us in.

his face was covered with a sheet as we stood a couple feet away from his body. i felt your mom shaking as she held onto my hand. she went over to him and lowered the sheet. her mouth quivered before she tugged her lips back into a smile.

she promised to take care of their children while he was gone. she bowed down at his sight before leaving the room to face the two of you with her smile. my heart hurt at the sight of her face.

she wanted to look strong to you guys so that you guys would know to be strong when she was gone.

i still remember her words from that day. "always smile, even if you're going through hell." she said to me, to you, and your brother. and we took those words to heart.

rewind to a couple days after, your mother greeted everyone at your father's funeral with a smile on her face. everyone nodded their heads before chattering to each other.

"how could she smile at a time like this?"

"it's like she's happy that he's gone."

"she's really strong. god bless her and her family."

"may god help her through this dark time."

these are just a few of the things i heard that day. after the funeral dinner, everyone started to leave after they talked to your mother.

you stared at everyone in the distance with a blank face. i hadn't talked to you since the day before. you looked like you needed the space and i knew the best thing was for you to have it.

but that day, my sisters told me to go talk to you. i had shook my head but they continued to push me until i agreed. they winked at me then before leaving with my parents. they let me stay with you that night.

you didn't look my way when i was walking towards you. instead, you kept your focus on your mother as she continued to say her farewells to the guests. i sat next to you before you opened your mouth to break the silence.

"i know that she just wants to burst out crying. but she's continuing to smile for the sake of us," you spoke. i kept silent before i felt your head leaning on my shoulder. i secretly smiled at your touch as we both didn't utter out a word.

once it was just us and the rest of your family left alone, we got up to help your mom pack up to go home. by then, it was about three in the morning.

your mom and your brother took a taxi home while i chose to walk you. that walk was quiet for the most part before we walked by a park. you looked my way before dragging me to the swings.

we swinged together until you actually smiled. i can't ever forget that smile. your smile was sweet yet bitter at the same time.

once we actually made it to your house, i tucked you into bed before i made my way to the living room to sleep. on my way, i heard the soft sobs coming from your mother's room.

you were right, yuri. she wanted to cry but she didn't so that she'd look strong to you guys.

i guess she knew that i was near so she came out and noticed me. she quickly wiped her cheeks before ushering me to go over to her. right there and then, she pulled me into a hug and thanked me for being by your side when no one else was through this hard time.

and i told her that i wasn't going anywhere. i told her that i'd always stay by your side.

i guess that's when things started to go down hill. that was a promise that i'm going to break now.

i'm writing this just a couple feet away from you. i had just heard the news that you are going to be unplugged in the next ten months. these ten months are just going to be a count down until you die.

so what's the point of me waiting just to get hurt more than i already am? i know that this will be me breaking my promise. promises, really.

but i think it'd only be fair if i gave you a proper goodbye. an explanation before i run away like a coward. at least then you'll know the reason why i left before you wake up. if you wake up, anyway.

yeah, if.

it breaks my heart thinking about it. all the memories we shared. all the songs we sang together. all the stories we told. all the secrets we kept. i guess they're going to leave with you.

wow, i never knew i'd cry for a girl. it's a little funny, isn't it?

moon yuri. i love the way your name sounds when it comes out of my mouth. i love the sound my name sounds when it's coming out of your mouth.

i guess you didn't know that they call me kai now? hearing others call me jongin just make me think of you.

i only have about a minute left before i burst out and throw this journal away in frustration. i can feel it.

yuri. my precious yuri. always stand strong. never change for anyone or anything. don't ever lose the smile in your face. you look most beautiful with it on.

find someone that would treat you better than i would. don't fall for someone that would end up hurting you.

if you do end up gone, then know that i love you. i know i have said that to you before. but this time i mean it in a man to woman kind of way. kind of cheesy that i'm confessing to you in a letter, huh?

i wonder if you even get the chance to read this. hmm, i guess i'd never know (:

i love you, yuri. take care.

kai

author's note ;;

errrrr

i'm going to admit that i kind of teared up while writing this because i treasure this story so much and it's coming to an end.

i hope you guys can feel where jongin is coming from and enjoyed reading this

now someone pls cry with me

- nehal

not proofread bc i'm vv lazy (':