A mirror, that object that could make you feel like you are not that lonely inside of this crowded world by seeing your other you from the second dimension right in front of you. Until you realize that, in fact, you are more alone that you probably thought.

If only San could see his reflection clearly, he might not be feeling so bad. That would mean that his vision wasn't so blurry that he couldn't even distinguish between the lines that made the shape of his body and the lines that belonged to the bathroom wall. But it was. Probably, he had ever been feeling so damn dizzy in his entire life. His headache was just untenable. It was as if the world was spinning around and around without stopping, making him fall into a complete spiral of despair, mixed up with a horrible feeling of having to throw up until his stomach was completely empty.

He tried to remember how did he end up there, but even if he tried his best, he couldn't.

But firstly, how the fuck did he end up like this?

***

Choi San used to work as a barista in one of the most crowded cafés in one of the most important avenues of Itaewon District. People would come only to appreciate his sharps movements while making detailed designs on the surface of a cappuccino. He was a completely different person depending if it was during the day or during the night. During the day, he was that cheerful guy with cute dimples decorating his rosy cheeks that could brighten your day instantly. But during the night, he was almost unrecognizable, as he would drift by the atmosphere of a night club until dawn. He was indeed a lost case.

San shouldn't whine, because he was having one of the most stable stages of his life at that moment. He had a remunerated work, he wasn't feeling especially down and he had been clean for almost two years. But that lack of thrill was incredibly consuming, days were passing by but nothing special seemed to happen. He had a strange feeling that made him think that something weird was going to appear in his life.

One of those apparently monotonous days of work and faking smiles just to please the public, a really handsome man surrounded by an especially mysterious aura entered the café. And San couldn't help but be really surprised to see him, because it had been ages since the last time he saw him walking through the hall during high school days. He was no other than Park Seonghwa, a senior student when San was a junior back then. He was well known in their high school because of his outstanding grades, but especially because he was a potential fuckboy that held the power to lead anyone he wanted to his bed with just the use of his oratory combined with his flawless face. Pretty much similar to the way San was in the present.

Seonghwa sat on one of the chairs next to the counter, so San was really near him. He didn't know whether starting a conversation with him or not could be a great idea. San had never talked to him in the past, so he thought that Seonghwa couldn't recognize him. He was aware that he had changed a lot since high school, but so did Seonghwa.

San's change started almost eight years ago, when he was in middle school. Puberty really hit him like a truck and in less than a year his voice and body improved a lot, but these physical changes were also accompanied by a lack of control in his hormones, the same as every teenager.

It didn't take a lot of time for him to realize that not only was he attracted to women but also to men, in fact, he was more attracted to men than women. And for him, it wasn't difficult at all to flirt with them. Eventually, he ended up kissing someone for the first time. The more he experimented how it felt like to have someone else's skin against him, the more he needed it. As years passed by, those innocent kisses turned into the first time he made out with someone and, finally, into the day he lost his virginity. It was all so messy and yet so beautiful from his point of view. After that he would began to feel kind of addicted to that feeling of heat going all over his body and filling him with arousal.

But that "change" was nothing compared to what happened in his first college year, when he had his first long-term relationship. Or at least he tried to.

All in all, Seonghwa just wasn't as San remembered; Seonghwa was looking really serious, maybe tired, with his eyes half closed and his mouth without showing any curvature. His teal eyes stared into the horizon with no purpose at all. As if his soul had left his body.

"May I help you?" San asked, approaching to Seonghwa and trying to be the kindest version of him while he was brushing his hair back. He hoped with his whole heart that the older remembered him.

"I'll take a double iced Americano, please" Seonghwa responded, without meeting San's eyes.

"As you wish" San tried to give him the best of his smiles. And this time it was real.

That was the first time San and Seonghwa ever talked. The younger didn't know how to start a conversation with Seonghwa, because it looked like he had an enormous wall made of unbreakable ice surrounding him. Also, his words were as sharp as a blade so San didn't know if he was bothering him in any way. He kept thinking about what words would be appropriated to try to speak with Seonghwa while preparing his coffee. He had the urge to maintain a conversation with him but he didn't know exactly why. He just wasn't brave enough to say anything to him beside work related things.

San thought that would be the last time he met Seonghwa, but he was wrong, really wrong. As days passed by, Seonghwa started to visit the café more often so they started to get used to see each other face.

One January day, as in any of San's work shifts, he was smoking on the outside door. It was freezing, so he was feeling shivers all the way down his spine as his right fingers started to feel numb because of being holding the cigarette instead of putting his right hand inside the coat pocket. But it was kind of worth it, because he suddenly saw Seonghwa walking towards the café as he had adopted the habitude. And that not only was the first time San met him outside his working place but also the first time Seonghwa started talking to him and not the other way round.

"I think I haven't asked you yet, but what's your name?" Seonghwa started talking out of nowhere.

"San, Choi San" He answered after letting the smoke leave his lungs.

"Park Seonghwa"

That might seem like the most simple exchange of words ever, but after that, both began to maintain small talks about banal things such as the weather (San even lent Seonghwa an umbrella when rain was pouring) or little details like when San told Seonghwa he liked his turtleneck sweater and that it really fitted him. They were slowly starting to get along, and San couldn't be more excited about it. The unbreakable ice wall that protected Seonghwa from outsiders seemed to melt, and he realized that under that laid-back-like expression, there was a nice person trying to come out.

Furthermore, as well as they were becoming something similar to being friends, San found himself staring at Seonghwa for way too much time. He tried to keep the time of his shifts to spend them talking with the older sitting on the counter of the café, or maybe just sharing a cigarette outside the backdoor of the café. It didn't really matter to him, he only wanted be with Seonghwa as much as possible. Watching the way he broke his tired look to softly laugh with every stupid thing he said, or maybe that smile of him that San couldn't say if it was a sign of pain or cringe but he found it really cute.

San would replay in his memories every detail of his conversations with Seonghwa and just bring to life the most precious smile by thinking about it. He dreamt about him a couple of times, and he even thought of him while hooking up with random women, wishing he was he one making him release his lust.

It was really curious because back during high school days San didn't felt that way only by looking to Seonghwa, and he didn't have the need to talk to him almost every day and also the need to like, being close to him.

Everything was going as fine as it could, until San realized what was really going on.

Yes, he was falling deeply in love with that mysterious guy with beautiful teal eyes and silky pitch black hair that covered half of his left eye. The same guy he was unable to reach a couple of months ago and the same guy that make him hesitate about talking to him or not.

San thought back then that he didn't want to fall in love with anyone and, in fact, he didn't even know the feeling of truly being in love. For him, it was just a bunch of chemical reactions that he would never understand and he didn't even want to try to understand them. He preferred to make out and then just forget the person without any feelings involved. San was aware that everything that had a beginning also had an end, and he couldn't permit to reach the end concerning Seonghwa.

He just needed to feel something even if it was superficial, something that could calm his desire of being with someone. He was really craving the affection of someone else and he couldn't get it just by touching himself or having sex with the first pretty person that stared into his eyes. It helped, yes, but it wasn't enough for him. He felt like the most pathetic person of the world, being unable to just toe the line and focus on work or another thing.

But he couldn't.

He went to the balcony of his apartment carrying a bottle of gin. It was quarter past three in the morning and the temperature was below 0ºC, but he didn't seem to care. Bold of him to assume that the alcohol would help him to stop freezing.

San didn't want to repeat the same as in his previous relationships. He had tried to maintain a long-term relationship a lot of times, but he didn't last more than two weeks with them. He wasn't a heartbreaker or something like that; he really wanted to be in love with his partner. But love is the most irrational feeling ever and of course you can't force it. It happens and sometimes you don't even notice it. So he held to the thought that he couldn't distinguish between attraction and love no matter how hard he tried it.

But there was one special ex that created a before and after in this life. And that was his relationship with Wooyoung, a really attractive blond guy he met on his freshman year of college, with whom he thought he was in love. Nevertheless, as time passed by, he realized that his feelings towards Wooyoung were only attraction with a costume that made it feel like true love.

Only the feeling of remembering all that relationship meant to him made San ending up drinking the gin like a fish. He didn't want to let his memories take over his present.

He remembers clearly how he told "I love you" to him without feeling anything at all. He also remembers how Wooyoung started planning their future and saying that he wanted to go to live to Canada and get married with him, but San didn't think that would be his ideal future. In fact, every time he tried to think about his future he never made any supposition with Wooyoung in it.

After five months, San was unable to keep the relationship and the feelings he could have had for Wooyoung had completely faded away. So they finally broke up with him because he couldn't stand faking his love for Wooyoung anymore. After that, he felt really guilty for not being able to continue the relationship since Wooyoung was really nice to him and he didn't deserve to pull through a break up because to San, he was a good guy with nothing but awesome intentions.

Even so, San wasn't in love with him.

"Wooyoung, we need to talk"

"Of course. What happens, Sannie? Is everything okay?"

"Well, don't get me wrong. I don't mean to be rude, but we need to put an end to this, to us. I'm so sorry, but I can't keep this any longer. It may sound selfish, but it's not your fault but mine. I apologize if I ever made you feel bad; you deserve someone that can give you more than me"

San was saying the truth when he said he didn't want to be mean to anybody. He even preferred hurting himself in order not to hurt others who didn't deserve to be the blank of his helplessness. But he didn't want to fake his feelings and made him feel loved when he wasn't. San was more than afraid that his feelings towards Seonghwa were the same type as Wooyoung and he didn't mean to hurt him. In fact, he doesn't even know if Seonghwa wants anything with him beside the small talks because he doesn't know much about him. He didn't even have his phone number or his social media profiles. Sometimes Seonghwa just wasn't feeling like talking, and San didn't know if he was being a burden to him.

He suddenly remembered tears streaming down Wooyoung's face, he was totally unable to face what San was telling to him. He started shouting as his crying started being louder and louder while holding San as tight as he could. At that moment, he didn't even release a tear, but right now, he was crying like a baby as he continued drinking as much gin as his body could hold without throwing up.

Soon, San was on the verge of a mental breakdown. He was wailing nonstop, every shout would fade into the heavy night wind and leave him breathless. His heart was beating so damn fast he thought it would break his skin just to escape from his body.

He had reached the point of no return.

San entered into his house once again, swaying from side to side because of the alcohol effects. He searched under his bed until he found a box whose key was thrown to the garbage by him two years ago. Anger filled his body when he remembered it, cursing his version of him from two years ago, so he crashed the box against the wall until he achieved to break it. And there he found what he wanted: a couple of syringes filled with heroin. He stared at them debating whether he should take one of them or not, since that would mean breaking his without doing hard drugs.

Three years ago, after he broke up with Wooyoung, he was craving emotions since he felt like he didn't own a heart or soul. That led him to try and do new things in an attempt to overcome that awful feeling. First, he returned to play the piano as he used to do when he was a child, but music didn't excite him as much as when he was younger. Then he tried to go to the gym and go running all the way down Seoul so that adrenaline could help him to feel better, but after no longer than a few weeks he desisted.

But that wasn't enough for him; those cheap thrills couldn't make him feel alive any longer. So he started doing drugs, firstly he began to get drunk more and more often, even though he had never been much of an alcohol drinker, but soon he got bored of it. And when he thought things couldn't get worse, one day when he was partying in one strange club of the Seoul suburbs, he decided to try heroin.

He said to himself that would be the one and only time he would take a drug like that. Being at the edge of entering into a comma or just ending his life wasn't on his plans, at least at that moment. But soon enough he wasn't determined to keep his promise, so that first time was one of the many San would pinch his skin with a syringe to inject himself a larger amount of heroin in his veins.

He dropped college as he found himself not being able to study anymore, so he got drowned in his own destructive thoughts alongside a progressive abuse of drugs. He soon got hooked to that feeling of being in a surrealistic and euphoric state of mind just to escape from the hatred ordinary world he was living in. He didn't want to get anyone near him involved his own personal problems. They couldn't understand him even if they tried, his parents, his friends; all of them had very successful love lives, and they hadn't hurt anyone for their own sake.

San really needed to escape from those kinds of feelings, but his mind remembered to him every single time he had screwed things up. He wasted his days trying to sleep or else he would try to get high once again, but his dreams had turned into an everlasting nightmare without an exit.

During a party, San got so high on heroin that the people surrounding him thought he wouldn't wake up ever again. He was so numb that looked like he was dying. Surprisingly, San was able to "come back to life" a couple of hours later. It was at that moment that San realized how fucked up he was, and that he had a serious addiction that may become worse if he didn't stem it right now. He collected the courage to go and visit a doctor. He was lucky that his family was very supportive with him and didn't judge him as much as he thought they would, so he spent the rest of the year going to rehab. It was harder than the thought, and he fallen into a couple of relapses since he wasn't able to stand the withdrawal syndrome. He had to pull lots of all nighters next to the toilet as he couldn't stop throwing up and shaking, unable to see and think properly. He felt like his life was going to end and that he couldn't overcome his addiction. But after putting a lot of effort into it and while being controlled by several doctors, he could finally say that he had won the battle against heroin; although, he never was able to stop smoking or drinking.

And here he was, two years later on the verge of throwing all of his progress just because his mind was filled once again with awful memories. He didn't even know how was him so fucking depressed when life seemed to be pretty nice to him lately, but he couldn't help but feeling like a piece of garbage. He hated feeling sad without a particular reason, it just felt so irrational and annoying.

He was so damn lonely and needy.

Sadly, he lifted his left sleeve and proceeded to introduce that horrible substance into his body one more time. He felt disappointed with himself while the drug was filling his veins as it used to do a couple of years ago.

He had reached the bottom. Again.

***

San started almost crawling to the toilet searching for his phone, he had realized that he wasn't in his bathroom but somewhere else he couldn't remember. He needed to text Seonghwa as soon as possible, he was the only person he could really trust to help him in a situation as delicate as that. Who knows if he had been kidnapped against his will, or maybe he was just at a lover's house.

The fact was that he didn't know it. He needed to remember.

***

Spring came faster than San expected. Flowers started to bloom as April was fading away. And one day, Seonghwa came to the café holding a lot of folders filled with papers. San thought that they were close enough to ask the older what that was for:

"You're going to get buried by all of those papers" San said with an amusing tone.

"They're class notes. I have to prepare for a couple of exams" Seonghwa said while laughing in a quietly way.

"May I ask what are you studying?" San couldn't help but being curious about all of those notes.

"I'm on my last year of Medicine" Seonghwa stated, while he was trying to reorganize some of the folders.

"Oh my god, it must be really hard" San acted truly surprised, he has always thought that being a doctor was one of the most difficult works ever.

"It is, not gonna lie. I haven't gotten drunk in a party since the beginning of the year, and I can't even remember the last time I made out with somebody. But if I can be useful to the society in a couple of years then all of my efforts will be worth it. But at the moment I'm more than overwhelmed because of the pressure of passing all my exams with good marks" Seonghwa lowed his sight and voice while spinning his coffee "And you, do you study something?"

San opened his eyes full of surprise; he couldn't recognize Seonghwa if he compared him to how he used to be during high school. He seemed responsible and determined to the core with his studies, it had nothing to do with that fuckboy kind of image that San remembered.

"I don't, I dropped college on my freshman year of Law. I guess studying that much just wasn't made for me"

"That's okay, not everybody is supposed to go to college and graduate with the higher marks and all of those things. Each person owns a different type of skills; they only need to take advantage of them"

The conversation about studies continued with some anecdotes and related topics. San started to feel a little uncomfortable since his memories concerning college wasn't great at all, so he tried to change the topic before that school related conversation might depress him.

"You told me that you haven't gone partying since the beginning of the semester, so why don't we spend this Friday together at a pub or something?"

Seonghwa lifted his sight to look straight to the barista, trying to think an answer for that proposal. He was aware that he needed to spend more time with studies, but he wasn't going to waste the opportunity to escape from that stressing task. Especially if it was with San's company. After a couple of minutes, he finally answered:

"There's a really great night club near my apartment, we can go there if you want. I really need to disconnect for a few hours from everything related to Medicine, otherwise I'm going to go insane"

Friday came earlier than expected, and so, San and Seonghwa went to the club that Seonghwa proposed to spend all night drinking and dancing, surrounded by saturated neon lights and music so loud that you could hear the tempo of the song in your own heart. That night, both San and Seonghwa forgot all of their personal problems; they only had time for enjoying themselves as if the night was young.

As the amount of alcohol rose inside their bodies, San held Seonghwa's hand and led him to the dance floor. They started to dance closer and closer to each other, moving their bodies desperately. Since they both seemed to not be satisfied with just that, Seonghwa grabbed San's narrow hips as he was descending against his body. It looked like they were almost grinding, and they didn't seem to care about being in public. They were too drunk to worry about those little details.

They stared into each other eyes, clearly sensing the mutual desire of going far during that night. San analyzed every single little detail of Seonghwa's face that made him so stunning, focusing on those beautiful teal eyes a little bit reddish because of the excess of alcohol. But soon enough, the older grabbed him from the back of the neck and pulled him closer so that he could kiss his thin yet soft lips. San closed his sharp eyes and went with the flow as he felt Seonghwa's chest beating faster than ever against his own. The more he tasted Seonghwa's smooth and warm lips, the more he wanted to keep swirling his tongue with his. He felt like walking through paradise, a feeling of euphoria he had never experimented before.

Maybe that was how it felt like to be in love.

And maybe there was a light at the end of that pitch black tunnel also known as his messy life.

They kept kissing passionately, touching each other bodies trying to heat the situation even more. Suddenly, the older stopped for a short moment, letting both of them release pleasing sighs.

"What if we go to my house right now? I can't be satisfied with just kissing you when I can't stop thinking about pounding you against the wall" He whispered with a lower voice than usual straight to San's ear, before slightly biting his ear lobe "I really like you"

A heavy shiver ran through San's spine, his eyes were more opened than ever. He couldn't believe it. His feelings were corresponded; the man who was most likely the man of his life had just told him he liked him. And so did San.

"I really like you too. I've never felt like that before"

Then Seonghwa's wishes became reality, because the moment they reached his house they released all of their arousal towards the other. Seonghwa's fingers ran through San's hair pulling it harder as he pushed himself deeper into him. His back crashed against the wall and his legs wrapped around Seonghwa's hips. San scratched Seonghwa's  back, filling it with red marks as he kept making him drown his gasps in a kiss filled with lust. Both of their bodies covered in sweat and lewd marks combined with a hot symphony made of their low moans and sighs.

San didn't want that night to end, and so did Seonghwa. It seemed like both of them were craving this moment since they started talking for the first time. San finally could feel his never-ending need of being with another person being filled to the fullest.

For him, it was like a dream come true.

They spent the rest of the night having sex  until both of them reached one of the most intense orgasms they've ever felt. San swore he couldn't be any better that with Seonghwa inside him, and Seonghwa didn't want to let San escape from him.

Nearly six in the morning, they fell asleep in Seonghwa's bed. The older was holding San tight against him and making him feel as the most loved person in the entire universe. San didn't wish to develop a dependence towards Seonghwa as if his company was some kind of drug, but right now he couldn't imagine himself without those sharp teal eyes staring right into his eyes before feeling the melt of their lips.

San couldn't predict what was going to happen next even if he had the worst nightmare ever.

The barista woke up around five hours later. It was really noisy outside but he couldn't distinguish what the hell could be happening in the street. He could feel the side effects of the hangover as soon as he turned his head to see what time was.

He was still at the same exact place in which the fell asleep. But with a significant difference: Seonghwa was nowhere to be found. Instead, there was a black envelope in the place Seonghwa should be lying on. San opened the envelope and he found a really long handwritten letter:

To my beloved San:

I don't know exactly how I should begin this with. But I just need to thank you for everything with my entire soul. You've become one of the most important people to me in a few small talks at the café, so thank you for being my partner during my last day of life. I can't think of a better goodbye than that. I really wish I could stay with you forever, but this decision has already been made for a long time.

I can't stand college anymore, I can't stand the pressure of being the person everybody wants me to be even though I know I can't meet that expectations, I can't stand having to fake a smile just to make sure people around me don't start worrying too much about me. I just can't stand life anymore.

I need to apologize if I've ever been rude to you; it wasn't my intention at all, I just felt that with you I could stop being that nice person everybody gets along with that it's nowhere near my real self.

I'm fucked up, of course I am, and that's why I don't want you to end up like me. Don't be like me and try not to waste your brilliant future trying to become someone you can't. You are still young and free. But it's too late for me to try to redo my entire life. I've done so many wrong things in my life that I'd need a whole new life to emend all of my mistakes. I've been feeling as numb as a broken toy for way too much time; I'm like a useless tool ready to fall into the garbage bag.

This decision is my last chance to feel something, even though I really enjoyed the time I spent with you it wasn't enough to stop me from falling deep down into depression. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't your fault at all. I'm the only responsible here, and as I told you before, the decision was already made. And you were the only thing that kept me doubting about making the decision of ending my life. But love can't solve everything, even though it can help. You'll never realize how much I wished that.

I also wanted to apologize for telling you that I liked you, when in fact I meant that I loved you. Even though I promised to myself not to fall in love so that I could prevent you from feeling harmed. Again, thank you for making me feel that I was a little worth it. I don't deserve a person like you near me. Please, don't forgive or judge me for what I've decided. And please, if you feel like you're in a similar situation like me, don't hesitate and ask for help until it's too late. Don't make the same stupid mistakes I did.

I love you and I always will love you. If there's something after death, I will make sure to continue loving you from there. Who knows if this is just a "see you soon" instead of a "goodbye"

Sincerely yours, Seonghwa.

No.

That just couldn't be real.

He has probably been having a really bad nightmare. But he wasn't.

His entire life fell down like a house of cards as he rushed towards the balcony of the apartment. There were a lot of police cars and sirens and people surrounding it, while a couple of nursing assistants were carrying a body to an ambulance.

That body didn't belong to any other but Seonghwa.

***

And he finally remembered. He had probably fainted as soon as he reached the bathroom. So he still was in Seonghwa's house.

San couldn't help but ending up crying and shouting desperately while repeating all of the memories he collected with Seonghwa over and over again like a broken record. He couldn't escape from his problems anymore, and at that moment he couldn't palliate it with drugs or emotionless sex. He had to face the situation, but he wasn't strong enough.

If only he had known about Seonghwa's intentions he could have helped him with his entire soul, he would have accompanied him in all his way to recovery, if only he had known that Seonghwa was way more fucked up than he was. He didn't seem like that, he sometimes looked like his soul had left his body but San thought it was just because of tiredness.

Seonghwa wasn't there anymore, and now San was once again that sad guy filled with everlasting loneliness with no one to lean on, that not only he couldn't stop Wooyoung from feeling like shit but also he couldn't protect Seonghwa from his suicidal thoughts. He was the worthless human in earth and he didn't deserve to keep living. He couldn't stick again to that sick monotonous routine while having to deal with those destroying emotions of not being loved and not being able to fall in love.

And that feeling led him to the most aggressive anxiety attack he had ever had. He didn't even have words to describe the state of total despair he was facing at that moment, but he was sure that this time, he wouldn't be able to overcome it as he tried to do with his drug addictions. Not again.

There wasn't anything that attached San to that world full of suffering. He was tired of having to be strong, he just wanted to live a normal life like everybody else.

He was tired of life itself. Life wasn't worth it for him if things only were going to get worse.

He took a deep breath and tried to stand up even though his legs were shaking uncontrollably. He started opening all of the bathroom wardrobes until he found a bottle full of antidepressants. The ones that couldn't prevent Seonghwa from falling.

Taking a bunch of them would lead him to instant death because of overdose.

"I loved you too"