11:03 pm.

I just cried.

It hurts to cry, but god did I need to.

I have a tendency to bottle things up.

I never cry when I'm sad because my stupid weak ass body doesn't think I need to cry unless I'm in trouble, embarrassed, scared, or hurt. But not when I'm sad. So if I do cry when I'm sad, it's EXTREMELY rare.

My mom started taking to me about how I need to lead by example, and how she knows that life sucks, and that some jobs suck, and that a job you love can also suck, and how this is how life is in adulthood. I don't know why, but I started crying. Tears were coming out like a river, and my chin and lips were trembling.

I didn't even get to make it last.

I didn't get to let my emotions out and just set them free.

My mom gave me a cookie to fix it but that's not how fucking life works. I smiled for her, like always, but I was a little honest too. She asked me "Are you okay?"
And I said

"I honestly don't even have an answer for that question."

I'm not ready to tell her I'm not okay yet. I haven't been okay for a while, and I'm starting to drop hints.

But even if she does find out, what's supposed to happen? Am I going to see a doctor? I don't have the time for that. I know I should, but I have my finger in so many pies right now I can't just drop everything for this.

I'm trying to do one nice thing for myself a day.

My nice thing for today is creating this book. It's going to be hard to post more chapters because I procrastinate, have zero time, and have a problem with vulnerability, but I'll try my best.

That is all.

Buzz buzz my honeybees💛

11:29 pm.