** Please bear in mind that this chapter is a trigger warning for self-harm, suicidal thoughts, etc. Please avoid this chapter if you're triggered by them!

It started after my cousin died. Even before that, I was sad often because I was constantly bullied by males and my parents and teacher never believed me. But after I graduated from that school, I wanted to start fresh in a new school and that's what I did. I heard that high school (we call it secondary school here) was great but sometimes depressing but that was an understatement.

Anyways, back to my cousin. We were really close, like really really close and his death nearly killed me. I was on the verge of ending it since he was the only person I could have talked to and he just left. My teachers at school started noticing my behaviour; I was always asleep, I always zoned out, I never participated in activities. I would ignore everyone. Then I turned to writing but even writing wasn't helping. A teacher read one of my poems, I left the book in the school by accident.

My principal found out because nothing stays between a teacher and student at my school, the whole staff has to know for some idiotic reason, and he ended up taking me to counsellor which wasn't that far from my school. That didn't help because I was broken. I already hated life and everyone I knew and definitely did not know. I felt like I was trapped in this kind of bubble of darkness and nobody could pop it but me, but I didn't have the strength or courage to do so.

Then things got worse. Someone spread a rumor about me dating a twenty year old man which really wasn't true because I was twelve at that time, I hated people, why would I date someone especially someone of that age?

My brother heard it and he hated me afterward. The bond we had broke and he never looked or even spoke with me... he'd push me around and act aggressively whenever I tried to talk or touch him. It really hurt... I felt like my entire family was turning on me. And to make it worse, my parents were angry at me for weeks.

Around that time I started cutting. I've read books that talk about cutting and how people feel numb whilst doing it. I didn't believe that because you were clearly cutting open your skin. But with all honestly, I felt nothing. I was already dead inside the moment I began school (more specifically, kindergarten).

Depression really isn't easy and where I come from, nobody believes you're truly depressed. They believe that because you're this age you shouldn't be depressed and that you're lying if you said you were. So I couldn't talk to anyone because I was afraid they would judge me and call me a liar and say I was seeking attention. I was emotionless, I didn't care about my life.

Then I met a boy. My story sounds like one out of a book but I'm dead serious when I say I absolutely and deeply fell in love with him. I thought he was okay, he thought I was okay, we weren't dating but we seemed like we were. He acted as though he didn't want me to touch him at first, he was a meany occasionally, but he soon stopped after I told him that he hurts me when he does that.

I thought everything was going great. During school hours I was perfectly fine with him but the moment I arrive home and I could no longer see him I was back to my old self. He made me feel again. I didn't believe I was going to find love in school, you know? Like a high school sweetheart.

But of course, everything had to end and he grew distant from me. He made me feel worthless again. It was like he used me for something and because he didn't get it, he left. I can't say sex because he wasn't interested in that. But he left and that crushed me. I started cutting deeper. I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live either. He read one of my poems, one that I wrote for him and he said he loved it. He actually loved it. But then he left and I was questioning everything. I still am up to a day like today. Nothing has changed. Four years have gone by and my brother and I aren't even close. The boy from school is out of my life. I really miss him but I told myself I wouldn't dog after someone who doesn't want me. Even after four years I still pretty much love him, just like the first day I saw him. He made me go through hell because I constantly thought I wasn't enough. I wrote poems for him (they're published on wattpad) and songs. I cried and cried every night for four years straight because of him and I don't think I'll stop anytime soon because I still see him every day at school. He was the only source of light in my life back then and he just ripped it away just like the others. After that I never trusted any male, I've dated but they never lasted because he was always on my mind and I couldn't treat the one that I was currently with the way I was supposed to.

My friends and family told me that I was emotionless back then and I believed it really. I'm slowly moving on from everything but him, but I'm not as sad as I was before. I don't cry as often as before, I don't cut anymore because I got help. Not from someone because I couldn't trust anyone and I still didn't like anyone so I had to build myself on my own. The worst pain to me is going through so many things that broke you and having to build yourself on your own. That's torture. The worse kind there is.