**Please be aware this story has a trigger warning for suicidal thoughts so please don't read it if that's a trigger for you.

I've never really told the story, and frankly, I don't know where to even begin, but I feel like it's time to share so here goes...

As a kid, I was really 'shy' to the point where I couldn't speak to people I didn't know/trust (still struggle with it, more on that later). It wasn't a problem back then; I went to a small school with only about 12 people in my year and they didn't mind speaking for me in certain situations nor did they care if I barely talked. We were all pretty good friends, but I was especially close with two girls: Eva and Luna (not their real names, but those are what I'm using). Eva I'd known since I was 2 years old and even before that our parents were friends and Luna and I just got along really well. Anyways, those years were pretty fun.

Then came the time for us to go to high school and our close group was split apart. Everyone went to different schools, Luna even moved out of town. Luna and I kept in contact for a while but eventually stopped talking. I miss her, but I know she's found new friends, grown up and found different interests. Does she ever miss me? Probably not.

Aged 12, I went to a high school in the next town on my own. One thing you should know is that in my country you're placed into one group and have all classes together with those people, it's very different than what I know about American schools. I ended up in a 'bad' group where everyone already knew each other and I was the outcast. I really struggled with that, especially since I've always had very low confidence, and didn't really speak to anyone simply because I was too scared. Eventually, the others started to pick on me 'cause I barely talked. I suppose I was 'an easy target'. I won't go into detail about all that happened, it wasn't unbearable but it certainly wasn't fun. After a few months, I told my parents and I moved schools (to the one Eva went to).

Eva really supported me there and introduced me to her new friends; her new best friend being Mary. Now things started getting better again, I got along great with Mary and rebuilt my friendship with Eva. I still didn't talk much but they didn't seem to mind. In the second year I was picked on again, but Eva and Mary stood up for me, so it wasn't too bad. They told me they'd always be there for me, I could trust them, I could tell them anything and more similar promises.

 Third year, oh god, there everything fell apart. Eva and Mary began acting strange around me, as did some others. I ignored it, thinking I was imagining it, you know, overthinking and all. A few months later my mom got a call from one of my teachers. Eva and Mary had gone to said teacher to complain about me. They'd also been gossiping to everyone behind my back (Including Luna who Eva still talked to, so she probably is on their side as well) They said I was "too much work" "too much to handle", "too clingy" and "I never left them alone", some friends huh. I never hung out with them outside of school, I always went straight home when school ended, during lunch I went home; I really wasn't around them that much, but apparently it was still too much. They never said anything of the sort to me directly, in fact, they pretended to be my best friends still. The evening my mom told me I completely broke down and just couldn't stop crying. The girl who'd been my best friend for 12 years, who I trusted with anything, turned out to be a fake, just like her new friend, and that hurt. I completely ignored them afterwards because that's what they wanted, wasn't it? I wanted to scream at them yet, but I just couldn't. And they pretended like nothing happened, even made me seem like the 'bad guy' as if I'd somehow done something wrong. I struggled through the rest of that year. At the end of third year I once again moved schools, I once again knew no one.

Yet another new start. Now obviously the little confidence I used to have was completely shattered by what happened with Eva and Mary, I felt worthless. I only spoke when necessary and kept to myself. I didn't make friends because I didn't trust people, I hated school, I had no one. I cried some mornings in the car on the way to school. I kept telling myself "just get through one more day" every day again and again. If you live like that for too long you eventually break down completely, so I've learned. In the middle of fourth year, I stopped going to school, this is around the time I was diagnosed with depression. I was a total mess. I didn't feel anything and still felt too much. I had no appetite, no energy, no hopes. I barely got out of bed, yet I couldn't even sleep. I felt worthless. For a short while, I considered suicide, but I soon realised I'd never be able to go through with it because I couldn't do that to my pets or my family. My dog, cats, and pony would be left wondering why I abandoned them and my family... I just couldn't do that. So if it weren't for them I may have just given up. I'd panic every time I went into a crowd. I saw doctors, was diagnosed with social anxiety as well, possibly even a trauma. I tried several types of therapy, but it took a while to find the right one for me. I started taking medication.

Where am I now? Well, still at home, 'sick'. I'm doing a bit better. I'm still taking meds, therapy is paused due to corona, I still can't go into large crowds alone. But I'm slowly getting better, one step at a time. I do sleep again, I eat again, I can do small activities again like walking the dog, drawing, baking something, etc. I still have a long way to go, but I know I'll get there one day. I've got hope again.

As I said, I've never told the story so apologies if it's not explained properly. If anyone has gone or is going through something similar, just know that you're not alone and it does get better. 

Don't give up, okay? Keep fighting, it's worth it; you're worth it.

P.S. both my parents and I think it's likely that I suffer from selective mutism and this is why I can't speak around people I don't know/trust. This hasn't officially been diagnosed by a professional, but it seems very likely. Many people don't know selective mutism is a thing, I didn't until recently, which is unfortunate considering it in most cases begins in childhood and early treatment is important as with many things. I highly suggest researching a little about it.