EGO POV Zhan

The whole time we were still sitting with Seungyoun, eating and then spending an hour in the living room watching an episode of Yibo's favorite series, I noticed that Yibo was clinging to me very tightly and avoiding looking at Seungyoun. It was clear to me that he was just pretending to be strong and could just put what happened to him completely behind him.

But then in the bedroom when he snuggled up to me and I asked him, "How are you really Yibo?" he had tears in his eyes and shook his head.

"I don't know. I wanted to kill him."

"I can understand that."

"You know what's weird?"

"No, what?"

"I was just afraid he was going even further and having sex with me. Because it can't be that someone other than you, that was my first. I thought only my Zhan alone had the right to be my first, no one else. And then I thought, if it was him and not my Zhan, then I'll kill myself."

"Yibo..."

"ZhanZhan, do you understand? Since our first meeting in the guest bathroom at the restaurant, I knew it could and should only be you. Something inside me tells me that I could never and should never have had sex with anyone else but you. Since you came into my life and I gave up my protective wall and let you get closer to me, I feel that you are the only one for me. Even before I understood what I felt for you, I felt it inside me. But I didn't understand it and couldn't put it into words. It felt like I was being drawn to you by an invisible force. As if this was predestined to happen to us. Everything in me screams that I belong only to you. Therefore, only you can and must be the one who was, is and remains my first man. And there was this voice inside me telling me that if it wasn't Zhan, then I have no right to live. Then I have lost my destiny."

"Your destiny?"

"Yes. That voice inside me said, I am pre-destined to you and I belong to you."

"But..."

"And you know ZhanZhan? Right now I'm trying to stay strong because of Youn. I don't want anyone to see how upset I am about what he did to me. I hate him for that. I feel dirty. The thought of how he manipulated me and made me do these things is disgusting. I feel used, soiled, betrayed, lied to, angry, grossed out, disappointed and yet I also see the years we were best friends. We were always there for each other and gave each other support. And I know how hard it must have been for him. Yes, really. He was 15 years old, in love and in puberty when he first noticed his abilities. And I also believe him that he had no control over it. But did he really have to be so selfish and go on?"

"I..."

"ZhanZhan, I'm afraid that you're seeing me through different eyes now. That you're disgusted by me and can't love me anymore."

"I love you Yibo. I still see you the same as before. Nothing has changed. And you don't have to play the strong one."

"I just want to cry, you know?"

"Then cry my cute little vampire. You can cry all you want. And I will hold you in my arms while you do so, until your tears have dried. You're allowed to be weak sometimes. You don't always have to be strong. I will be strong for both of us when you are weak." I said.

And Yibo cried. He cried and cried until he had no more strength to cry and fell asleep in my arms. I held him tightly in my arms until Yizhan woke up and I saw that we had forgotten to put his litter box back in our room after we cleaned it.

So I carefully got up from the bed, took Yizhan and went with him to the living room to get his litter box. I sat on the sofa for a moment, petting the little cat and listening to him purr. Yibo's words and how he felt really touched me. And I didn't know how to help him other than just listening to him while holding him in my arms.

The despair in him is very big. And I can understand that very well. And I also understand why he clings to this friendship. Because for years Seungyoun was the only one who was really interested in Yibo. Someone who was really there for him when neither his parents nor his beloved brother were. Yibo was always alone. But with Seungyoun, he finally had someone who was there just for him and never abandoned him.

So yes, I can understand why Yibo can't and won't give up the friendship. But I also know that this friendship will never be what it once was. 

When I was about to go back to the bedroom with Yizhan and the litter box, I heard a noise from the kitchen. I went to check and saw Seungyoun sitting on the floor against the wall. He was also crying bitterly. In his hands he held a cup with a picture of him and Yibo. "Hey, what's wrong?" I asked him calmly.

He looked at me with glassy bloodshot eyes and I realized that he must have been crying for hours too. "I'm... I'm..." He began.

"You're disappointed in yourself?"

"Yes. I hate myself for what I did to Yibo."

I sat down next to him and put Yizhan on his lap. "I can well understand Seungyoun."

"Why did I do that? Why couldn't I control my abilities back then?"

"I suppose because of your love for Yibo and this great longing to want to get closer to him."

"Yeah, maybe."

"Can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"When did you stop doing that then?"

"After we came back from Japan. Or actually already in Japan."

"What was the trigger for you to quit it and learn control of your abilities?"

Seungyoun took a deep breath in and out and said, "When we were in Japan, Yibo and I were in that hot spring. I figured it was finally time to confess my feelings to him. I kissed him and confessed my feelings to him. And then I saw Yibo's shocked face. And do you know what he said?"

"What?"

"He got angry and said that I must have gone crazy. And he got mad because I stole his first kiss. He said he wanted to save that first kiss for a special person. And at that moment I realized that I would never be that special person for him. I thought all along that if we just kissed and touched often enough, maybe he would eventually be attracted to me. I had completely disregarded the fact that none of what Yibo and I did was wanted by Yibo. And then that night, as we slept in a room with the other boys from our class and I heard Yibo sobbing quietly all night, I finally realized how stupid and naive I was and that everything that was between Yibo and me was because of manipulation. Not because he wanted it. And also not because he was slowly falling in love with me and that's why he was doing all this with me. I realized that he had no choice at all and then I decided to talk to my mom. And my mom told me about my real dad and introduced us to each other. For a month I was with him every day and learned from him to control my powers. And only then was I ready to approach Yibo again. I was afraid that I would lose control again. That's why I had avoided him. And not because I was angry or disappointed, as he thought."

"What amazes me is that all this time when you lost control of yourself, you still had so much control over yourself not to sleep with Yibo. Because you could have just done it and made him forget again."

"I don't know exactly how I managed to draw the line there. I could have done it, sure. But, I knew I could never forgive myself for that. And if I had, even if I had made him believe he liked it, it still would have just been rape, wouldn't it?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"You know Zhan, right now I think it would be better if I keep my distance from Yibo for now. We both need distance."

"I also think it would be best."

"But I would still want to take up the offer and talk to your grandfather."

"Of course. I wrote him a message earlier. And he wrote me that when you're ready, you should come see him. You know, for him, a half-blood vampire is also something new. So you could both learn from each other. And you don't have to worry either, no one will hurt you or your boyfriend."

"Seoki is almost like Yibo. He's so cute and so kind. I really love him. If something happened to him, I'd go crazy."

"I can relate. I feel the same way about Yibo. But tell me, when you said his family came to visit, does that mean they're vampires too?"

"Mmm, they are."

"Then you should urgently talk to your boyfriend and his family. Because something is going on in this town. More and more vampires and black werewolves are gathering here. If this continues, it will come to a war. Take your boyfriend and his family and get out of town for now."

"What about Yibo? He's in danger as a vampire, too, isn't he?"

"Yibo is protected by my pack and several other packs. Besides, I want to travel with him soon. He and I want to pursue a very specific legend. I'll take him away from here, too."

"Okay. Then I should talk to them today."

"Yes. Trust me. I wouldn't advise it if it wasn't serious."

"I believe you Zhan. And hey, thanks for listening to me."

"Mhhh, anything for my cute little vampire. Even if that means talking to you. And for what you did to Yibo, I could kill you. I really want to kill you. But I won't do that for Yibo. I hope the next time we all see each other that we can all start over again."

"Thank you, I hope so too."

"And Seungyoun. You must learn to forgive yourself. I believe you that you didn't mean to do that to Yibo. You were young and you made mistakes. But you didn't make those mistakes on purpose. You even managed to stop yourself. So try to forgive yourself first. And eventually, maybe Yibo will be able to forgive you too. But he needs time to do that."

"Mhm. I'll give him the time. Thanks. I'm going to go pack now and head off to Seoki's place."

"Aren't you going to stay here for the night?"

"No. I have to go see him and his family. But I'll leave a note for Yibo."

"Good, then I'll say goodbye to you here. I wrote down my grandfather's phone number for you, call him when this is all over."

"I will. And please take good care of Yibo. Because remember, he loves you and already sees you as his husband."

"Haha, yeah. I love him too. More than anything else. And believe me, I'm going to marry him. I will do anything to make him happy."

"Thank you. I'm glad Yibo has found you and that you love him so sincerely. I'll be going now."

"Mhm. I'm sure we'll meet again." I said. I took Yizhan and went back to the living room, took his litter box and went back to the bedroom.

As soon as I lay back in bed, Yibo snuggled up to me and mumbled in his sleep, "So nice and cozy and warm. Love you ZhanZhan."

I had to smile, kissed his forehead and whispered, "Love you too, my cute little vampire."

Then, with Yibo in my arms, I closed my eyes and fell asleep. And when we woke up in the morning, Seungyoun was gone and had left Yibo a short letter to say goodbye.