The last snow melted 4 weeks ago and then all these little sweet buds grew on bushes and trees, which quickly became little green leaves. Here and there even the first flowers are already blooming in the small park in front of the apartment complex and with each day it is getting warmer outside. Birds begin to build their nests and prepare for breeding.

It is unbelievable how fast time has passed. Zhan has been living with me for three months now. A time I have enjoyed very much so far. We live together, he helps me with my work, we spend insanely great intimate hours together and already behave like lovers. And in all the time Zhan has been living with me, he never once stumbled as far as his feelings for me are concerned.

Meanwhile, it's not that I deny feeling anything for him. I even feel a lot for him and I think he knows that too. And not only because I can't fall asleep without him. But I still couldn't bring myself to confess my feelings to him.

Whenever I dream about him and me, I also have these nightmares lately. In them, we are a couple who love each other very much and spend our lives together. I watch Zhan grow older and older until he finally dies and I am all alone. I look around and there is no one but me. I am lonely and alone and grieve for Zhan every day. I can't sleep or eat, but I can't die either. Because whenever I tried to take my life in my dream, the vampire inside me took control and forced me to live on. I am nothing more than a wreck that has lost its one and only true love and is forced to live on in eternal mourning.

Even though it is just a recurring dream, it fuels my fears and constantly shows me what future awaits me if I give in to my feelings. Meanwhile, I know that I love Zhan. Very much so. But how can I give in to these feelings when I know how it will end? How can I not be afraid?

But first to something else. Youn came to visit me a few times since he moved out. Not every week, as he promised. But he did come. But always only when Zhan was not at home because of some research for his own work. He brought me new blood bags and told me how great living with Wooseok was. And as soon as he told me all about himself, he would go back home. Is he still my best friend? Why can't he at least try to make friends with Zhan? Or at least get to know him first?

But what also concerns me is Zhan's brother. We have visited Zhan's pack a few times now and I got to know his brother better. I was very surprised when Cheng confessed to me in confidence that he was not just a fan of my brother back then. He was even really in love with him. And even when the scandal about my brother broke, he stuck by my brother and defended him on social media.

I wondered more than once now if Cheng might be a good reason for my brother to come back here? I know my brother is totally into guys like Cheng and I thought if I could somehow get the two of them together, I could hit several flies with one swat.

For so long I've wanted my brother to come back here. But I alone am apparently not enough of a reason for him. I miss him very much and miss our closeness from back then. And I missed how cheerful he always was and how happy he was when he finally had a boyfriend. Yes, unfortunately this boyfriend took everything from him. His confidence, his smile, his love and his career. He ruined my brother so much that my brother preferred to leave the country.

But all that was years ago and I just wish my big brother back. And I think Cheng could be the solution to all this. He could bring my brother back here. He could bring my brother back his laughter and also his love and his trust. And I would finally have my brother back!

So I decided to play the Cupid and set my brother and Cheng up with each other. Of course, I was hoping for Zhan's help in this. But Zhan immediately said that I had to do it on my own. I asked, "Why won't you help me? It's a good thing after all."

Zhan nodded and replied, "You're right Yibo. It is a good thing. But for whom? For your brother? For my brother? Or for you? Don't get me wrong, but who is telling you that your brother will really fall in love with my brother? After all, Cheng is 25 years old like you and your brother is 10 years older than him, much more experienced and a human. Cheng is a werewolf, he has a hot temper, and he's never had a relationship before. I know the latter is not important. But Cheng is awkward when it comes to emotions. And he gets angry quickly when things don't go his way or he feels like he's embarrassing himself."

"Zhan, this would be for all three of us. My brother, your brother, and for me. And if they like each other, age doesn't matter after all. And do you think my brother is that much more experienced with the only relationship he's had so far? Besides, with his gentle nature, he could calm your brother down quickly."

"Mhm, I understand all that. But how are you going to do it mhm? And don't you think maybe you should solve your own problems first?"

"What problems?"

"The ones with you and me. We've been living together for three months and we're acting like lovers. We share everything with each other by now. You can't sleep if I don't hold you in my arms. And yet you still don't know how you feel? Don't you think you should sort that out first before you set up two complete strangers for each other?"

"Zhan... I thought you knew..."

"You thought I knew how you felt about me? Yeah, sure. But you know, I'd like to hear it from your mouth for once too. Because that way I'm always left with the uncertainty that I could be wrong after all. I don't want to put you under pressure about this. But please Yibo, think about us before you want to set others up. But if you really want to bring the two of them together that badly, I won't stop you. Go ahead."

"Zhan... if you really want to hear it from me... then, please give me some more time."

Zhan took me in his arms and kissed my forehead, "Yibo, I don't want to push you. It should come from you when you are really ready for it. I will wait. And if you can't raise enough feelings for me, I will accept it. I'll give you up only when I realize that it's useless to keep hoping and waiting."

"Whenever you say that, it makes me feel really bad Zhan."

"Why?"

"Because you're so eager to hear it from me and I keep making you wait. It's like I'm just holding out on you."

"I'm just saying that..."

"And I hate it when you say you're going to give up on me. *sniffle* Then I get even more scared and feel even worse."

"Yibo. Hey, come here. I'm not giving up on you just like that. I would never do that. You're my cute little vampire that I fell in love with at first sight. How could I just give you up?" He asked me. He kissed me and wiped my tears from my face. "Yibo, I love you and I'll be by your side as long as you let me."

I rubbed my face on Zhan's shoulder and clung to him. I know what he means to me and what I mean to him. Yet I can't tell him. How am I supposed to explain to him why I'm so reserved about my feelings?

When I calmed down again, Zhan asked me, "Do you really want to set our brothers up with each other that much?"

"Yes. Your brother told me he was in love with my brother then. Maybe, well..."

"Alright Yibo, I'll help you. But we're doing this with brains."

"You're helping me?"

"I'm doing this for you. I know how much it means to you. But, keep in mind that it may not work out."

"Uh-huh."

"So, the first thing we should do is ask my little brother if he's at all interested in meeting your brother. And if he says yes, send your brother a picture of Cheng and write to him saying he's one of the few remaining fans of yours and wishes to meet his idol."

"And if my brother declines?"

"Well, we'll take a picture where Cheng looks really cute. And you'll have to beg a lot if your brother refuses to meet him first. Because if you really want it to work out, you have to hang in there and not give up."

"I won't. I'll hang in there."

"I hope so."

"You Zhan?"

"Yeah?"

"You're really great."

"Oh, thank you."

"I really mean it. You're really great. You're super mega great."

"Yeah. It's okay. I heard you already. I'm sorry about before. I didn't mean for you to..." I interrupted Zhan with a kiss.

"Let's leave it at that, shall we? We have important things to do now."

"Fine, fine. So, let's call my brother." Said Zhan and smiled.

For the past week or two, I've been feeling really different than usual. I get emotional quickly and anxious when it comes to Zhan. I hope this will go away. I don't want to be like some weak crying baby all the time. I was never like that. It doesn't feel like me either.

I think it's just those damn nightmares. But I've already thought of something. Since I don't know how to explain to Zhan what's going on inside me and what my concerns are, I want to talk to his grandfather for now. He is a very experienced old man who might have some good advice for me. It's just a shame that he's in another city at the moment, so I can't ask him until he gets back. I hope that will be soon.

While I was making coffee for Zhan in the kitchen, yes I do that for him every day now, he was on the phone with his little brother explaining what we were up to. And his brother was immediately in favor of us trying to set him up with my brother. Better said, he said he couldn't wait until he finally gets to meet Wang Hai Kuan in person!

Oh yeah, there's something I haven't told you yet. Zhan can eat in my presence without me getting sick from the smell of the food! In the beginning, he used the herbs his grandfather gave him. But then he didn't need them anymore and now he can eat normally in my presence. This is a great progress for both of us. Because from now on we can cook together and eat together. I drink my blood and he eats his food. And every now and then I taste some of Zhan's food. And I must say, when he cooks, even I like it. Even though it is very little that I can tolerate, I am still super proud that I can eat some of his food at all without feeling sick.

Before Zhan's grandfather left, he visited Zhan and I and saw me eating a few bites of Zhan's food. He said it is possible that it is because of Zhan's blood, which I still drink regularly. He said it makes me more resistant or something. That's another thing. When I drink from Zhan's blood, just a little is enough to fill me up. I hardly need my blood bags anymore. And meanwhile the feeling of being human again, as soon as I drank from him, lasts almost 10 hours! And that's even something Zhan's grandfather would never have expected!

I'm really excited to see how much more I'm going to change. Sometimes I secretly wish that Zhan's blood can heal me. I know that's not going to happen. But if it did work, I would be more than happy to tell Zhan how much I love him by now. And how much I want him to stay by my side forever.

*Sigh* This emotional new me....