CHAPTER 33
TRUST IN YOURSELF

"WHAT did you do?!"

Gerardo looked up as Raena slammed a tray down on his table. The mess hall was half empty, consisting of chatty cadets and technicians. Raena raised her brow towards her friend, waiting for a legitimate answer. The smell of sliced Trimpian wafted into Gerardo's nose. He wondered what she was talking about, but he wasn't sure how to form the words. He noticed her nostrils were flaring as she sat down on the opposite side of the table. "What did I do exactly?" He finally asked.

Raena looked around the room before leaning in. "You told your little boyfriend that me and Commander Ren were friends," she whispered loudly, voice full of venom. "What is wrong with you?!"

Gerardo's eyes flickered from her to his dinner. "Was I not supposed to tell him that?"

Raena rubbed at her temples. "Are you serious?"

"I don't really see why it's a big deal."

Her eyes snapped opened, and they were suddenly narrowing at him. "I told you before, Gerardo," she said, laying out her hand, "what you saw in that abandoned control room was me and Ren talking. That doesn't mean anything. We were never –"

"Are we friends?" Gerardo asked, frowning her way. Before she could answer, he continued on. "Forget that. You should feel lucky to be a sergeant's friend." He said dramatically, and much to Raena's surprise, she laughed. "And as your friend, I should be able to call your out on your bullshit."

Her face twisted. Raena dragged her knife through the Trimpian meat and placed it in her mouth. "I have no idea what you're talking about. There's no bullshit."

Gerardo rolled his eyes. "Do you think you're slick? Because you're not." He sighed, chewing on a piece of bright blue casserole. "You might have everyone else on this ship fooled, Miss Nhagy, but I can see through it all. I've always had expert vision."

"What are you suggesting?"

He slammed his hands on the table, causing a few people in the mess hall to turn their heads for a moment. Gerardo whispered, "You were having an affair with the commander."

"Shush!" She exclaimed, pressing her hands against his mouth. "Shut your mouth! Someone could hear you."

"So it's true?"

Raena's back slumped. There was no use in lying. Raena knew Gerardo was a sleuth; he was bound to find out someday, and she needed to finally let this out to another First Order member. She held her head in her hands as she muttered, "Yeah, it's true."

Gerardo's concerned expression morphed into a wide grin. He bit his lip, trying to hold in the fit of laughter that urged to come out. "Oh," he drawled, "this is good. I knew I was right! There's been even more tension between you two since you got back. I'm surprised that I was the only one to notice it before."

She refused to look at him. The only thing Raena could view at was her uneaten Trimpian meat.

"When you came back, you said something about how you were never lost in space. And then you were tazed." Gerardo released a snort before returning his serious expression. "I had ... assumptions about what really happened. I never believed General Hux when he told us you left in an exiled ship."

Raena finally sat up, lifting a brow towards her friend. "Was the assumption that Commander Ren killed me?" She asked, causing Gerardo to nod. "Then you were correct."

Gerardo heavily inhaled. He swallowed down the lump forming in his throat, crossing his hands over each other. "A couple days ago you said you'd also explain why you will always know more than people think," he shook his head for a second, "and now that I know this information ... how are you here? How does someone survive death?"

Raena ripped through a Trimpian strip with her teeth. "You can thank your general for that."

•••

As much as spilling the truth to Gerardo made her hands shaky, Raena was really glad she told him. It was somewhat of a relief to talk about the situation with someone other than General Hux, but that didn't mean she still wasn't nervous. Raena wasn't an idiot; she knew she would face repercussions somehow. The two talked low enough for no one to hear them, and there weren't many people in the mess hall to begin with, but the last thing Raena would do was underestimate anyone on this ship. She needed to watch out for herself. She already had Kylo Ren on her back; she didn't need someone else too.

Raena had another meeting with her generals and fellow officers that night. They needed to discuss if the rest of the Resistance had been obliterated. "Ren said they were," a general had told her before the meeting, "but we don't know for sure." Though sleep clung to her body like a blanket, Raena headed across the empty halls of the Supremacy to the desired conference room. Rumors said that Snoke might be at the meeting tonight, but that seemed like only a rumor to Raena. The Supreme Leader barely ever left his darn throne, let alone his room. It was heavily guarded at all times.

After hearing a voice down the hall, Raena scrunched her brow. She looked over her shoulder, but saw nothing. She continued down the corridor, and to her surprise, the voice that she heard was from the commander. How lucky for her. She crept along the side of the hall, placing her hands on the metal corner. Her head slightly came out of the shadows, just enough to see Kylo Ren speaking ... to a wall.

Raena's mouth dropped. Was this for real? Out of all the suspicious things for her to see Kylo doing, going crazy enough to speak to a wall was not one of them. Her eyes focused on him turning his back to the large window in front of their hangar.

"Why is the Force connecting us? You and I." He asked softly.

Raena's brow furrowed. She moved herself more into the hallway, so she could barely be seen. Was he talking to her? If he wasn't, then who could his mind be connected to now? Kylo had connected their minds whenever it pleased him long ago, but it wasn't a specified connection that lasted forever. It came and it faded whenever he wanted to talk to her. A connection made by the Force itself seemed much deeper; a special connection that could only be made by someone more powerful than Kylo Ren.

"Did he tell you what happened?" He stepped forward. "The night that I destroyed his temple. Did he tell you why?"

He definitely wasn't talking to her now. She already knew the story, meaning he was telling this to someone else. But who? He was speaking to the wall, so was he talking to let out his frustrations? Definitely not.

Raena's breath latched in her throat. She should be heading to the meeting, but instead, she was listening to their commander talk to a wall. This hall was the only way to get to the office though.

"You do? Oh, you do." Kylo shook his head. "You have that look in your eyes ... from the forest. I remember it, all those years ago. You called me a monster."

She needed to go back. She needed to find another way to the meeting, but – gods be damned, she was a curious piece of shit. Raena stood there, clutching the wall as if she were frozen. She listened to the conversation with wide eyes. A shiver crawled up her spine.

"Yes, I am." He said, as if to finish his statement from before.

And then, there was nothing. Pure silence. Raena closed her eyes, biting her lip so hard that she was sure it bled. She finally moved from her spot to wring out her hands. She couldn't walk through that corridor now. It would make it obvious she listened in. Maybe if she walked back down the other hall, she could –

"I know you're there."

Raena's eyes were open again. She ran a hand through her hair, thinking that if she quickly sprinted down to another room, she could avoid this awkward conversation.

"You're not good with hiding, Raena." His voice was soft, yet demanding. "Come out of the dark."

With a heavy sigh, Raena stepped into the lit corridor, only illuminated by the bright hangar window. Her eyes connected with his immediately, which caused her to put her hands up in surrender. "Just passing through," she said. "No need to be alarmed. I have a meeting to attend." Her lying was not very good, and she knew Kylo wasn't an idiot. He saw right through it.

"And also eavesdropping, apparently," he muttered, turning his body back to the window.

Raena scoffed. "I was not –"

"Yes, you were."

She sighed, scuffing her boot against the floor. "Maybe I was," she admitted. Raena walked to where he stood in front of the window. She felt his warmth radiate from just standing near him, and she pretended like she didn't miss it. She didn't; she swore she didn't. "What was up with that, anyways? Did you have fun talking to a wall?"

Kylo glared at her. "I wasn't talking to a wall."

"Then who were you talking to?"

"It's none of your business."

Raena rolled her eyes. "So all you want to do is grovel at my feet when it's convenient for you, but when I start asking the right questions ... it's suddenly not my business." She raised a brow, staring at him suspiciously. "Yeah, that makes a lot of sense."

"I never groveled," he argued.

"You were pretty damn close to it."

Kylo looked away. "Why are you talking to me? You never wanted anything to do with me before."

Raena frowned. Now that she thought about it, he was right. Why was she talking to him exactly? "Good question," she muttered.

The two stood in an uncomfortable silence. Raena turned herself so that she was facing the window like him, looking down at the First Order members in the hangar. The teams moved ships while technicians worked on others. Raena wondered if all these people truly wanted to be here, or if they were working on this ship to stay alive, like she had done. They'd all die someday anyways.

After a long while, Kylo said under his breath, "Have you settled in well?"

Raena glanced at him with a confused expression. She pursed her lips. "Are you trying to have a conversation with me that has no ulterior motive?" She placed her hands on her hips. "Have you given up on the 'trust me' thing?"

"Well," he paused as he turned to face her, "do you trust me yet?"

She cocked her head to the side, jaw going tight. "No," she replied. "But, I'll you what, Ben –"

"That's not my name."

"Don't –" she held up a finger, her eyes blazing with fury "– interrupt me. I don't care if you're my superior. Show some respect when your coworker is talking." Raena resumed her calm composer. "I'll trust you again when you trust yourself."

Kylo's brow crinkled, the light from his right highlighting half of his expression. "What does that mean?"

"You don't trust yourself," she repeated. "You're struggling within yourself. It's clear as day. You say you're one with the dark side, but the way you acted around me was surrounded by nothing but light. And even now, it seems that you're eager to go back to it. Figure out what you want, and trust –" she poked her finger into his chest "– in yourself."

Raena's skin connecting with him felt like an intense burning. She tried to ignore it, swallowing down her sudden pain. Kylo didn't respond, so Raena hesitantly removed her finger from his chest. After licking her chapped lips, she sent him a curt nod before departing to her meeting. Trust in yourself, she had said. If only it could be that easy.

•••

A/N: Raena's mood whenever Kylo talks is like