CHAPTER 37
TO BE A HERO

HE only wore a pair of pants and shiny boots. A thin coat of sweat covered his bare torso, but all Raena stared at was his slightly angered face. His hair was pushed back, some strands sticking up at the top of his head. He lifted a brow curiously, waiting for an answer impatiently. Raena's hands finally shot up in surrender, and they shook violently while in the air

"This isn't what it looks like," she spoke clearly. The tablet still sat on the floor, shining its blue light on her body.

"Are you sure about that?" He asked, stepping forward. "It looks like breaking and entering to me."

Raena's eyes flickered from his eyes to her feet. "Um –" She bent down and picked up the tablet. Raena struggled to keep it in her arms. "Well, maybe it is what it looks like."

Kylo's eyes darkened. The room around them was barely lit. Their only source of light was from the tablet and the bright window, which highlighted the left half of his face. His voice was deep as he asked, "What are you doing here?"

"Good question," Raena smiled nervously.

"Good questions, but no answers."

She frowned, hugging her arms around her chest. "Do you want the truth?"

He gave no answer. Raena knew that meant for her to continue. His angry stare made her lip quiver. A shiver was sent down her spine as she struggled with an answer. She was good at lying. She needed a good lie. Why was her brain barely functioning? Raena stuttered out a list of ums and uhs as she continued to think.

"The Supreme Leader sent me," she blurted.

Kylo's eyes narrowed. "To do what?"

"He had ... suspicions –" she paused for a moment "– that you were keeping something from him. He sent me to find anything."

He stared at her with confusion. "Well, why didn't he ask me?" Kylo shook his head as Raena stood in place, stiff as a board. "Instead, he sent you to snoop through my room. I need to remind myself to change that passcode, I guess. I'm going to talk to the Supreme Leader later today about this."

"No, don't!" Raena exclaimed suddenly, pressing her hands firmly on his chest. His bare skin was warm and it practically burned her fingertips. As soon as their skin touched, it felt like all their memories blended together in her mind. She saw it all, and even as he stepped closer to her, she didn't move one inch. "You can't. He ... will think I failed. Don't tell him."

Kylo's brow fell. He sighed heavily through his nostrils. Raena's hands still rested on his chest, and she wondered silently why she hadn't moved them, or why he hadn't done that himself. She swallowed hard. You hate him, she reminded herself. He killed you. You hate him. These facts had never been more true, but Raena still kept her hands there, enjoying the feel of his skin burning her own. She did hate him. She really did, but a connection through hate had never been more intoxicating.

"You've never been that great of a liar, Nhagy," he muttered, leaning his face in to prove a point.

Raena swallowed down the lump in her throat, and then released a nervous laugh. "Yeah, I ..." Her voice trailed off as she removed her hands. They were coated in his sweat, which only mildly repulsed her. "I should go now."

He gave her a curt nod, moving out of the way for her to leave. She glanced at him with confusion before stepping off to the door. She halted herself in front of the door, lifting her hand to the console to open it, but she hesitated. Raena bit her lip, feeling the overwhelming urge to apologize. He knew she lied to him, but he was going to do nothing about it, or further question her. She sighed, turning sharply to say sorry. "Commander Ren, I –"

But he was already there, right behind her – waiting, seething. Raena's back was pressed firmly against the wall as Kylo leaned in close, his mouth lingering right over hers. He didn't have to lean down that close, seeing as their heights weren't far off. Raena inhaled quickly before his lips crashed onto her own, engulfing her mouth in his. Kylo's hands pulled the small of her back closer to his torso. She lifted her own to his chest, ready to shove him off, but she couldn't. The feel of his kiss was like a memory she never wanted to fight off.

Finally, she moved her right hand to the console beside her. Raena pressed her hand steadily on the touch pad, causing the entrance to beep. The door behind her immediately opened, and Raena almost stumbled to the ground. Kylo's mouth released her own as he opened his eyes to see her sprinting out of his room. She looked over her shoulder at him, sending him a worried stare, before turning sharply out of the corridor.

•••

What had she done? What had he done?

Raena sprinted down the halls of the Supremacy, casually tripping over her feet every other second. Her hand tugged at the light strands of hair at the top of her head. Her breathing was erratic. She did something bad. This was so bad. Why had she done it? No, wait – she didn't do anything. It was all him. He had been behind her. He had leaned in. He had kissed her.

But she had kissed him back.

Raena felt her heart beating at a mile a minute. Tears were welling up in her eyes. She had a plan. She hated him. She was against him, working for the other side. He killed her, but she still forgot about it, just to kiss him. Raena tripped over her shoes, falling headfirst into the floor. Her hands caught the fall, and she looked at the ground before squeezing her eyes shut.

Something was wrong with her. Nothing was going right. How could she ... turn her back on the plan so quickly, just for a mere moment to forget her loneliness to kiss the man who shoved a light saber through her chest? It was ... blasphemy. Raena still kneeled on the floor, exhaling heavily. She was ashamed in herself. She ruined everything. She disappointed General Organa. She disappointed Poe and Indira. She probably even disappointed the damn droids. But most of all, she disappointed herself.

"Officer Nhagy –"

Raena flipped herself on the floor, landing on her back as she looked up at the familiar cadet. It was a girl, with deep brown hair and freckles dotting her cheeks. Raena remembered teaching her to shoot a blaster rifle. Her eyes went wide at the sight of her upper-level officer on the floor with a crazed stare. "Are –" She paused. "Are you okay?"

Raena's eyes flickered about the hall. A group of sergeants passed by her, staring at her on the floor. Raena quickly stood on her feet, brushing the front of her pants. Her hair stood up at odd angles. "Yes, yes," she replied. "Perfectly fine."

"Okay," the cadet answered, beginning to stride away. She cautiously looked over her shoulder at Raena, who wiped a coat of sweat off her brow.

Gods, Raena was way past perfectly fine. It was around seven at night, but Raena wanted nothing but to go to her quarters and sleep. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to talk to anyone. It was clear by her facial expression and anxious eyes that she needed to be by herself. But instead of turning down the hall that led to her room, she took a right, leading herself to the communal bathrooms.

She kicked the door open, noticing that there was no one in the tiled room. Everyone was probably at dinner. Raena ran a hand over her face, walking forward to one of the mirrors. When she stared at herself in the reflection, she saw swollen lips and tired eyes. She gasped and immediately placed her hand on her mouth. Hot tears threatened to come out, but she held them in as she quickly walked to one of the showers.

Raena stripped herself of her clothes, throwing them to the side of the shower. She kept her comlink near the back of her ear, seeing as the piece was waterproof, thankfully. Raena closed the door with a slam. She turned on the shower, allowing the hot water to flow down her hair and back. She breathed in deeply, smoothing out her hair as she let the warmth envelope her. She rubbed soap through her hair. She scrubbed a bar into her skin. She did everything she could to clean herself, but she still felt the sweat from his chest coat her hands.

She turned off the shower, sucking in a few sniffles, but Raena couldn't hold in her feelings anymore. She slid her back on the tiled wall, releasing a loud sob that erupted from her chest. Raena shook her head and wiped away her tears. Her wails were loud, but she tried to keep them controlled enough so they weren't heard outside. Raena breathed in and took out her com, hastily turning it on.

"I ... I ..." She rubbed away her tears again, sucking them in. "Gods, I fucked up. I fucked up real bad. I feel like I ... completely compromised everything." Raena blew out air to calm herself. "Well, maybe not everything. I just ..."

Raena paused, leaning her head against the tiles. She viewed up at the shower head and shook her head. "I had this whole ... plan. I've had it for months, and I knew that once I returned to the First Order ship that I could find a way to extract it." She laid out her hand, as if she were talking to someone in front of her. Raena tsked under her breath. "It's not secret that I've planned to execute Commander Kylo Ren for a while now. I need to do it – if not for myself, then for the millions of people he's hurt and killed. And maybe – I don't know – maybe killing him will redeem my own soul for the people I've murdered beside him. Killing him will crush the First Order from the top. But I ..." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "I don't know if I can do that now."

From across the galaxy, Poe Dameron sat in the control center with his trusted crew. After tuning their receiver to the right station, Lieutenant Connix had alerted everyone that they were receiving another static message from Raena Nhagy on the Supremacy. They all listened with careful ears, but Poe found his nose wrinkling at the words he was hearing. Connix tuned the radio more, and the message became clearer.

"I've always tried to hide the emotional connection I have with Commander Ren, because it's not something I'm proud of," Raena's voice boomed through the radio speakers. "I know who he's killed. I know what he's done. And sometimes, I've killed the same people with him. We share a connection that keeps us both grounded, and I think this connection might just kill me in the end. I believe most of you can put the pieces together of what I'm trying to say here."

Indira Beren stood to Poe's left. Her heart broke at the sound of sobs faintly from the other end. She held a hand on her chest, thinking that would help make the situation better. It didn't. She grabbed Poe's hands, tangling her fingers with his own for warmth and security.

"I struggle a lot with wanting to do the right thing and doing what will benefit me. I worked for both the Light and the Dark with my uncle years ago as bounty hunters, because there was no room in choosing sides during that time. I joined the First Order years ago to save myself. I keep doing things for my benefit, but I do want to do the right thing." Raena's exhale came out as static on the speaker. "I think it's time I finally do that, and if my assumptions are correct ... I think my connection with Kylo Ren will help me do the right thing. That's if I don't change my mind about killing him. I tend to do that a lot. I should go now."

The speaker turned off quickly, filling the room with static. Connix slowly turned to Poe, who was rubbing a hand over his mouth. Everyone was silent. They debated on what exactly Raena's words meant, but Indira knew fully well.

Though Indira felt tears fill in her eyes, she found herself smiling the smallest bit at the message. Whatever Raena's plan was, maybe she could finally get vengeance for the pain and torture her mother suffered as a prisoner of the First Order. Maybe Raena Nhagy could do that, if she finally decided she wanted to be a hero.

But in the end, people need to realize that Raena Nhagy would never be that. Heroism just wasn't in her nature.