CHAPTER 9
A CONDITION

RAENA pushed a blonde lock away from her line of vision as she took a bite of the sandwich in front of her. The cafeteria was practically empty that night, only housing a few general officers and cadets. She sat alone at her usual table: all the way in the corner of the room, a place where no one could bother her. She didn't like many on the ship anyways, so she preferred to be alone with her thoughts. Maybe she was just bitter; she had always been since she was dumped on the forsaken ship with no way out.

Maz had sent too many smugglers to help Raena escape for a full year, but none could accomplish such a hefty goal. It was foolish to think anyone could rescue the assassin in the first place, but in Maz's defense, Raena knew her intentions were good. Although, by the last smuggler she had sent that had managed to find her, Raena had refused to go with him. She was already in too deep and knew that no one could help her. She helped the man escape the ship herself, but sent him off with special words for Maz. Since then, she had no contact with the wise creature that was almost a mother to her.

She missed Maz's comfort, but most of all, she missed her parents.

To her surprise, she heard the clank of a tray hitting the table in front of her. Raena looked up with a raised brow, her mouth stuffed with the sandwich.

"Good evening, Officer Nhagy," Gerardo smiled wistfully in the assassin's direction.

She swallowed down the rest of the sandwich in her mouth. "Gerardo, I told you that you can call me Raena." She smirked, setting her sandwich on her tray. "What are you doing here?"

"I saw you were sitting alone and you looked lonely," he replied, taking a slurp of the pasta on his plate. "I thought I would join you."

"I'm not lone –"

"So," he chewed, interrupting her response, "training was pretty strange today, right?"

She lofted a brow. "How so?"

"Well, first of all, Pacey was being more of an ass than usual. I'm thinking that his secret relationship with Hux is on the rocks. Wish the Neanderthal would look at me like that," Gerardo added, causing a giggle to fall out of Raena's lips before she realized his words, and soon grew quiet. "Secondly, Commander Ren wasn't there to watch over us today. He's usually always there."

Raena felt uncomfortable at the thought that the commander wasn't there because of her. Actually, if Gerardo had been looking recently, he would've noticed that Commander Ren hadn't been watching them for two weeks. Raena's initial thought was that he was avoiding specifically her, but she couldn't come up with a good reason why he would waste his time avoiding someone like her. The temper tantrum had shaken her up just the tiniest bit, but after an hour, she was fine and had the best sleep of her life. He couldn't be avoiding her; he had other things to do, but why was her mind so adamant that her original thought was right?

"Maybe he's preoccupied with other matters," she answered after a moment of hesitation. "He is the commander, after all."

Gerardo nodded, taking another bite of his meal before asking, "Aren't you both friends?"

She let out a sarcastic laugh. "Where would you get that impression?"

"When I was leaving training sometime a couple weeks ago, I saw both of you talking in one of the old control rooms," he shrugged, as if it was no big deal that he been peeping on their conversation. "I just assumed, especially since you were speaking to him with his helmet off. Damn, I had only managed to glimpse at that in the past, where I had seen him walk into an office to discuss something with Hux before they shut the door. Only trusted acquaintances are allowed to see him without the mask."

She swallowed hard. "We're not friends."

•••

Holding the vintage picture in her calloused fingers, Raena admired the image of her parents that would never be. She had never been more glad that she had kept it on her person when she was captured, because she didn't know what she would've done without it. Just a small image had the overwhelming power to keep her centered.

She sighed, setting the picture against her desk as she turned to the tablet next to her. Searching the weather report of Takodana, she found that the planet was in it's usually sunny and tropical state. She had the habit to do this often, checking the reports on Takodana had become a ritual every week. She may have refused to return, but she always felt the overpowering urge to see how Maz was doing on her home-planet.

Raena had gone to sleep early that day, something completely foreign to the assassin. Even with the irresistible sleepiness, she always stayed up longer than she should have, worrying about what would happen the next day. Tonight, she had tucked herself in around the time of ten PM, falling asleep as soon as her eyes shut. She had been snoring away for a full two hours before a buzzing at her door sounded, signaling someone was waiting outside of it. It was midnight; what would someone be doing there?

She wiped the drool from her chin, wrapping her dark purple robe around herself and approaching her door. Peering into the peep hole, Raena's tired eyes seemed to bug out of their sockets at the sight of the masked commander standing outside of it, looking around the empty hall. She immediately unlocked the sliding door, opening it with a lofted brow. He was looking behind him for a reason unknown to her, and she got his attention by stating with a yawn, "It's midnight."

He turned with a jolt, the darkness of his mask meeting her bright eyes. He was thankful that he had the helmet to disguise the expression on his face at the moment, for he couldn't help but marvel at the female assassin's beauty even after waking her up.

No, he reprimanded his mind, stop doing that. The past couple of weeks without seeing her didn't do him any good; he had just thought of her more, but more dreadful thoughts plagued his brain.

"What are you doing here?" She questioned, getting tired of him just standing there and not being able to see his true expression.

He sighed through the mask. "I truly don't know."

"Well," she sighed, turning to the console beside her to shut the door, "goodnight."

"Raena."

Her head whipped in his direction. He had never called her by her first name; she had always been known as Officer Nhagy or he had never addressed her by anything at all.

"I ..." He found himself at a loss for words, and he silently cursed himself for referring to her by her name of birth. "I came to apologize."

She closed her eyes for a moment, realizing that her assumptions had possibly been correct. He had been avoiding her; the bastard had nothing better to do than avoid her.

She crossed her arms, exhaling through her nostrils. "You hurt my feelings."

"I realize that."

A moment of silence passed between the two before Raena continued, "I know you're the commander of this fucking fleet and the supreme leader's apprentice, but you acting out was uncalled for. I recognize that I'm only an assassin, but you should not be allowed to talk to me like that when I was only trying to help." She sighed, looking away from his mask. "Were you avoiding me?"

"I felt it was best to give you space." He shrugged while rubbing his gloved hands together. "I realize that I'm always breathing down the elites' necks, and it gave me the time to focus more on my training with Leader Snoke."

It was like she could smell the bullshit pouring out from his mouth, but she dared not to tell him that.

"Well, I'm fine now. You don't have to worry."

His masked-head fell to the floor as he muttered in almost a pained tone, "I do worry."

She swallowed down the large lump that formed in her throat as she heard the words that were said just enough for her to hear. What was happening to him? It was like a condition was consuming him; he wasn't himself. It scared her, shaking her bones to the core. What frightened her the most? She felt herself coming down with something at that moment as well.

"I am coming down with a condition," he whispered darkly, reading her thoughts, "and I'm terrified too. I don't know what's happening."

She gritted her teeth. "Get out of my mind."

"I can feel something," he continued, ignoring her comment, "but I don't know what it is. It's been keeping me up for two weeks. I can't sleep or eat. I don't know how to stop it; I need to stop it." He found himself breathing heavily, another characteristic he now couldn't control. He wasn't in control of anything anymore. "You feel it too."

Her eyes went wide. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Why are you lying to me?" He whispered loudly, his modulator causing his voice come out in static.

"It's late," she replied, putting in her password to lock the door. "Goodnight, Commander Ren."

Before he could get out another word, Raena closed the door on him, refusing to speak any longer. She found a sob lodged in her throat, and she forced herself to keep it down. He was always in her head; why couldn't she get him out? He knew what she was thinking, feeling – and that scared her even more than the thought that she had been feeling the same as him, but she had the better stamina to suppress it.

She stepped away from the door slowly, a hand coming up to cover her mouth and hide the next sobs that overcame her. She had finally cried for the first time in two years.

•••

A/N: The woman in Raena's parent photo is her mom and YES, the same actress who plays Vice Admiral Holdo. I wrote Book I and II of this story 2 YEARS AGO, meaning I did not know the actress would be cast. The actress is playing Raena's (dead) mom; she's not to be confused with Holdo.