Ok, this is a VENT, so please beware, ok? Stay safe.

TW: Self deprecation, talk of suicide, talk of self harm, mention of murder and slight mention of blood (please let me know if I should add anything)

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I feel like shit.

Well, that's kind of an oversimplification, really. I just lack the motivation to actually explain how I feel deep down, so just saying that I feel like shit will do.

Not that any of this is new to me. Oh no, I'm quite accustomed to the feeling.

Still, don't get me wrong, I do smile and occasionally laugh and act chill in front of the others, because, you know, they're cool. I actually feel pretty decent when I'm around people I like.

It's when I'm alone that's the problem.

Well, not completely alone. There is another "person" in the mind, really, even when the others are busy or out. Subconscious.

But I don't really like being around him. Ok, I really should, I guess, because he's practically my "father", but when I'm with him everything just feels lowkey forced and I'd rather not go through that.

I sometimes wonder about things.

I remember, when I was way younger than I am now, I would dream about passing out and peaking into Heaven because I wanted to see what it was like, and then come back to tell the others how beautiful it was.

Maybe it was a sign.

I do occasionally feel like I want to die, but it's way more often that I wish I hadn't been born in the first place.

Think about it.

It spears you all the possible guilt for making people upset about you taking your leave. If they actually care about you, that is.

You see, I've always had a hard time believing people, especially when they tell me they care about me. That reminds me...When I was a lot smaller I remember having a nightmare where I woke up in the night for whatever reason, and needed comfort, so I looked for the others and Subconscious.

I heard voices downstairs, and followed them. It was all of them, standing around a table, arguing. Arguing about what they should do to get rid of me.

All kinds of methods were suggested. Kidnapping, poisoning, stabbing, beating to death and many more.

So yeah, since that one nightmare I've had a really hard time trusting and believing others.

But what's even the big deal, am I right?

I mean, what am I but merely an atom of a single drop of water in an enormous ocean? 

My existence doesn't matter. 

But that's not a good enough reason to end it all. Or is it? What qualifies as a good enough reason to take the easy way out? I don't know that. 

There are many things I don't know, and I do want to know them, but the knowledge that I will never know absolutely all of them makes me want to know none. Does that make sense? Another thing I don't know.

Motivation is a funny thing, isn't it?

It's like, you wanna have it, because essentially you need it to survive, and yet, I always feel like I'm completely lacking it. So how am I still alive? Without motivation? 

But motivation is a very broad term, and it's different for everyone. Some people need big amounts of motivation just to get out of bed in the morning, while others need just a speck of it to come up with a plot for a book...

It's low-key fascinating.

Makes you want to look up more about it. I do want to. But I'm also thinking: I don't need this information to survive, so why should I?

Which then makes me think: I don't need people around me to survive either. All I need is basically air, water and food. That's all. I don't need anyone.

Which then makes me think: If I don't need people to survive, then people don't need me. Therefore, my existence is essential meaningless, so why keep going on?

But then comes the question.

If you think like that, how is it that you haven't even attempted yet?

And to that I say: Well, I'm sure by now you've figured out that I'm a lazy, unmotivated, ugly piece of shit who doesn't deserve or want to be alive, but what you might not know it that I am also a huge coward.

What if it doesn't work? What if I go to hospital and make people waste their money for my recovery? What if I get laughed at? What if people think my reason wasn't a good enough reason, and that I didn't even deserve to go?

See? 

Not so easy.

Also, there's the issue of how to do it, but I won't go into detail about that because it will just make me feel even more shitty.

Hell, I'm so lazy I can't even be bothered to attempt self-harming...

I mean, I'll occasionally just excessively scratch my arms, or dig my nails into my skin, or pick at imperfections on my face till it starts bleeding slightly, but never more than that.

Again, too much of a scaredy-cat.

Life is like a roller coaster. It goes up, down, straight forward, does U turns and all sorts of things. That kind of bothers me.

Like, why can't it be just upwards? Of course, there could be a few flat bits or bumps in the way for us to learn stuff, but in the end, you'd arrive to the top and get your reward for putting up with everything. Doesn't that sound nice?

It would also motivate people. Especially if the more you do in life, the better your reward is.

But no, that's all way too good to be true.

Did me saying all this have a point? No, it didn't, much like my life. 

But hey, whatever man. At least we have music. 

Yeah, music is nice. A source of comfort. Apart from when I'm tired of all the music I know, and don't know what to play but I'm also too lazy to get into a new artist or band. That's when it slightly frustrates me.

But apart from then, yeah. Music is cool.

That's all.

- - -

Like I mentioned before, this was a spur of the moment vent. 

It's a bit different from what I would usually write, but oh well. I just needed to get stuff off my chest in a way or another.

Anyway, the next one shot is gonna be as fluffy as possible, promise!

Bye-

~K.A.P.!

🖤