Mr Collins' gobsmacked expression got quickly wiped off his face as the first course got served.

Eleazar on the other hand kept his composure and didn't show a single emotion on his face. Not when Mr Collins praised their household to the heavens and back, nor when he began his practised speech about his dear Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

'He had never in his life witnessed such behaviour in such person of rank—such affibility and condenscension, as he had himself experienced from Lady Catherine. She had been graciously pleased to approve of both of the discourses which he had already had the honour of preaching before her. She had also asked him twice to dine at Rosings, and had sent for him only the Saturday before, to make up her pool of quadrille in the evening.'

To be honest it was his father's fault as he had observed to Mr Collins that he was very fortunate in his patroness.

'Lady Catherine was reckoned proud by many people he knew, but he had never seen anything but affability in her. She had always spoken to him as she would to any other gentleman; she made not the smallest objection to his joining in the society of the neighbourhood nor to his leaving the parish occasionally for a week or two, to visit his relations.'

Lady Catherine was a saint sent to earth to reign over the lesser people and to show them what true class was.

'She had even condescended to advise him to marry as soon as he could, provided he chose with discretion; and had once paid him a visit in his humble parsonage, where she had perfectly approved all the alterations he had been making, and had even vouchsafed to suggest some herself—some shelves in the closet upstairs.'

Lady Catherine didn't want unmarried men anywhere near her daughter, what if something unbegon would happen again.

"That is all very proper and civil, I am sure. And I dare say she is a very agreeable woman. It is a pity that great ladies in general are not more like her. Does she live near you, sir?"

Mrs Bennet, fortunately, didn't hear any of Eleazar's unspoken thoughts and took all Mr Collins had said as the one and only truth.

"The garden in which stands my humble abode is separated only by a lane from Rosings Park, her ladyship's residence."

Eleazar had gotten acquainted quite closely with said lawn and parsonage and could attest the view was indeed spectacular.

"I think you said she was a widow, sir? Has she any family?"

Lady Catherine had many people she considered family, though the feeling wasn't always returned. Her daughter on the other hand would never dare say anything against her, that the Lady would not approve of.

"She has only one daughter, the heiress of Rosings, and of very extensive property."

Lady Catherine had her business handled well, she had not need to worry about entail and male relatives.

"Ah! Then she is better off than many girls. And what sort of young lady is she? Is she handsome?"

She is. Was.

"She is a most charming young lady indeed. Lady Catherine herself says that, in point of true beauty, Miss de Bourgh is far superior to the handsomest of her sex, because there is that in her features which marks the young lady of distinguished birth. She is unfortunately of a sickly constitution, which has prevented her from making that progress in many accomplishments which she could not have otherwise failed of, as I am informed by the lady who supervised her education, and who still resides with them. But she is perfectly amiable, and often condescends to drive by my humble abode in her little phaeton and ponies."

Eleazar mourned the fact that, though Mr Collins was clearly biased, he did not necessarily lie. Miss Anne de Bourgh, was indeed charming, beautifull, she was sickly. That last part had indeed made it more difficult for her to enjoy all the pleasures of life, and he did doubt the fact that she would excel in everything she tried, she was not stupid.

Only a bit too trusting.

"Has she been presented? I do not remember her name among the ladies of the court."

"Her indifferent state of health unhappily prevents her being in town; and by that means, as I told Lady Catherine one day, had deprived the British court of its brightest ornament. Her ladyship seemed pleased with the idea; and you may imagine that I am happy on every occasion to offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to ladies. I have more than once observed to Lady Catherine, that her charming daughter seemed born to be a duchess, and that the most elevated rank, instead of giving her consequence, would be adorned by her. These are the kind of little things which please her ladyship, and it is a sort of attention which I conceive myself peculiarly bound to pay.

Eleazar remembered those little compliments, though, then they had been a lot better received by him then at the present time.

"You judge very properly, and it is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask wheter these pleasing attentions proceed form the impuls of the moment, or are the result of previous study?"

The family could always trust Mr Bennet to make any comment into a laughing stock, if he so wished. His sharp wit was no opponent for Mr Collins slow speech and carefully chosen words.

"They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions , I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible."

Eleazar was sure that Mr Collins had more than proven himself at that point. He was every bit as absurd as Mr Bennet had hoped and would serve as the main amusement for his father. That was until teatime arrived and it was no longer amusing but annoying.

Mr Bennet took the opportunity to disappear in his study and left his wife and children behind to entertain Mr Collins; which ended with the gentleman in question reading to them from Fordyce's Sermons. That was after Lydia and Kitty had produced several novels for him to read from, this was met with astounsihment as Mr Collins never read novels.

He never read novels.

Eleazar couldn't phatom that he had actually considered Mr Collins' proposal one day.

Mr Collins was three pages in, though they felt like thirty, when Lydia interrupted him to ask her mother a very important question.

"Do you know mamma, that my uncle Philips talks of turning away Richard; and if he does, Colonel Forster will hire him. My aunt told me so herself on Saturday. I shall walk to Meryton tomorrow to hear more about it, and to ask when Mr Denny comes back from town."

Lydia was squashed by a slightly flustered Jane; but it was already too late. Mr Collins put down his book, deeply offended, and spoke in his preacher's voice in an attempt to make the youngest Bennet sister listen.

"I have often observed how little young ladies are interested by books of a serious stamp, though written solely for their benefit. It amazes me, I confess; for, certainly, there can be nothing so advantageous to them as instruction. But I will no longer importune my young cousin."

He turned to Eleazar and asked to be his opponent in a game of backgammon. Eleazar who could hardly say no, to such a genuine offer set up the board and before long the game was in full swing.

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Author's note: 

This is probably the first major canon divergence point.

What do you think of it?