| 30 |

~ Banks Woods ~

Lance drives me and Caleb to his friends' restaurant first.

He's hell-bent on making me eat everything on the menu even though I've complained to him a billion times that I'm full. No meat though, because Caleb's with us.

"How are you full? You only had one plate." Lance scolds.

"A plate the size of a motherfucking tire!" I snap, and Lance finds the chance to shove another spoon into my mouth. I glare at him while chewing.

Caleb's happy with all the food and eats like a pig.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Theo cheers from behind, carrying a tray to another customer's table.

"It's food. How is she supposed to chug food?" Castle rolls his eyes while clearing off another table.

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" Theo continues, setting down the plates.

"Chug, Banks," Caleb tells me.

"Shut up." I glare at him.

"Come on, open wide." Lance brings another spoon to my mouth.

I glare at him.

"Want me to do the airplane thing?" He asks.

I give up and open my mouth.

"Okay, but, seriously. I'm full. I've been eating for the past half an hour."

"Chug! Chug!" Theo hollers, pumping his arm like a chu chu train.

"Shut up!" I glare at him, before turning back to Lance with pleading eyes. "I'll eat more when I get home. I promise."

He gives me a suspicious look. He turns to Caleb.

"Can you keep a check on her that she'll finish this whole thing by tonight? Even if you have to force her?"

Caleb's eyes widen. "Force her? Do you want me to die?"

I roll my eyes.

"Come on. You can do it."

"I'm not a baby. I can eat by myself."

"Yet you failed to do it in the past."

"I've learnt my lesson. I'll make sure to eat." I plead. "Seriously. I'm going to blast like a balloon."

"Fine." He grumbles, putting down the spoon.  

After the heavy meal, Lance and I have another argument. I wanted to go back to work and meet Kaylee but he was against it and said I needed to go home and rest.

"Not that big of a deal?" Lance exclaims. "Banks! You passed out and are showing signs of anemia! It's serious."

"Yeah, but I can do nothing about it now, can I? I can't stop working just because I'm not feeling well. It's life."

"I'm not asking you to stop working. I'm only asking you to go home for today and take rest." 

"I want to meet Kaylee though!" I argue.

"Why?"

"She's my friend! I can't just bail on her on a Monday!"

He sighs wearily. Then throws his hand in the air. "Fine! Fine!"

Caleb releases a breath of relief from the back. "Phew! I thought I was going to witness your murder, dude. I don't know why you argue with her when you know you can't win."

Lance grumbles under his breath, but I ignore him and get out of his car. My eyebrows furrow in annoyance when instead of driving away, he kills the engine and follows me.

"Don't you have a job?" I cross my arms.

"I have a girlfriend whom I value more. I'll leave in a while." Saying that he follows me into the cafe.

I instantly am hit with guilt when I see Kaylee's sweaty face, with a wide fake smile. I rush to the other side of the counter.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't back sooner!"

"Banks!" She exclaims, looking relieved. "Did you find Caleb?"

"I'm here!" Caleb raises his arm as if answering for attendance.

"Oh thank God. Oh, Lance, you're here too?"  

"Yup, making sure that careless thing over there doesn't faint again and split her head open."

"Wait, what?" Kaylee turns to me.

I fasten my apron behind my back before reaching over to the coffee machines. I roll my eyes. "He's overreacting. The nurse said I fainted because I was distressed."

"You fainted?" Kaylee's eyes pop wide open. "You were in a hospital?"

"Yup, she was." Lance narrows his eyes.

I narrow mine back. "It's fine. I'm fine. I'm not even hurt."

"Girl, go back home!" Kaylee yells at me. "Are you insane?"

"I'm fine!" I growl. "I swear to God, the next person who tells me to go home will get one from me!"

That shuts them up.

Lance leaves eventually when he realizes I'm not going to be passing out anymore. He promised to come pick me up when I'm done to which I simply sighed at.

Caleb is seated at the corner table, texting someone on his phone. Now that I know who he texts, it gives me slight relief. There's still the bigger problem looming over us that we haven't addressed yet because of Lance at our tails.

When we reach home, and it's just the two of us, that's when the heavy weight makes its appearance.     

Turning the lock on the door, I turn around to face Caleb.

"We need to talk."

He fiddles with the hem of his hoodie. "Yeah."

I stare at him, a small gulp going down my throat. "Do you need help? Therapy? Someone whom you can talk to?"

"Banks..." He hesitates, then winces. "We don't have the money for that."

"Of course we do!" I'm outraged, and sad, that he thinks that way. "You're not supposed to be worrying about things like that. Your mental health is more important than saving up money."

"We barely get to buy things that are not canned or thrifted. A therapist would cost you more."

"Then let it! I'm ready to pay for it. I'm asking you: are you ready to go?"

He hesitates again, for a long time. His hands clench and unclench and a helpless look comes on his face. "I...I don't know. I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

He swallows, his eyes turning glassy. He looks down at his feet.

"Caleb. Scared of what?" I ask, softening my voice.

He takes a moment to reply as if gathering his voice. "Of not being normal. I don't want to feel this way. I've tried avoiding it. The thought of seeing a therapist makes it seem real that there is something wrong with me."

My shoulders droop. "Caleb. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just the way we grew up. It's not your fault."

A tiny humorless smile comes on his face. "You're saying after you've blamed yourself for things your entire life?"

"That's different."

He shakes his head. "No, it's not. Jesus, you broke up with Lance because something happened that was not in your hands. You had no reason to leave him. Yet you did. Because you blamed yourself."

I narrow my eyes. "Hey, we're talking about you here."

He shrugs. "I'm all in for talking about myself as long as you do the same."

"I'm fine."

"Sure you are."

"Seriously, Caleb?"

"Yes, I'm serious. Actually, you know what? We both should have a seat and just come clean once and for all. No secrets. No hiding feelings. Let's just get it out of our chests."

I'd rather jump out of the window.

But...I sigh, he's right. Even though we made a promise to never leave each other, the secrets between us were doing exactly that. We have to talk. We need it.

As if reading my mind, Caleb and I walk together to the couch.

"You start," Caleb says.

I fold my legs beneath my body, wrapping my arms around my waist. I tell him about how I met Ben on the way, how he made me feel like I failed in raising him, and that he's already slipped through my fingers. I tell him everything about how I feel and how much everything scares me. The words don't come out easily but in between I realize that I want to talk. I want to get it off my chest about how much this guy means to me and that I would kill for him. Even if he thinks that he's the most useless person alive in the world, I would still stand before a million people to defend him.

Tears gather in his eyes when I'm done talking. He tries blinking them back but it's impossible with his face scrunching up too. His chest heaves as he tries to keep his sobs in.

"You can cry." I lift a shoulder. "I used to hear you cry all the damn time when you were little."

He sniffles, wiping his nose with his sleeve. He shakes his head. "I'm good."

"You sure?"

Even though he nods, another silent sob shakes his chest.

I give him a moment to gather himself.

After two minutes, he wipes his face again before nodding. "I'm good."

"Your turn."

He clears his throat. "You're too mean."

I blink. Then frown. "I thought we were talking about our feelings. Not opening up the complaint box."

"Well, I feel like you're too mean."

I blink again.

"But it's fine." He nods. "I know you don't actually mean half the things you say. You always say one thing, but deep down you feel another. You should stop doing that though because you think you're doing the right thing, but you're hurting everyone else. Yourself the most."

"I...do?"

He nods. "It doesn't hurt to just say things out loud. No one's going to shame you, and even if they do then let them go to hell."

I look down at my lap. "I try."

He nods. "Yeah, I know. I know you had a shitty childhood, Banks, but what's wrong is that you let it influence your future."

I know.

"I was so mad at you when you broke up with Lance. You had no reason to. I was really angry mainly because you found someone who's making you happy and finally treating you right, and just because I opened the damn door without asking who it was, you broke up with him."

"It was more complicated than that."

"No, it wasn't." He says, immediately. "It really wasn't. Ben's an asshole. You let an asshole take away your happiness again, and you hurt Lance too."

Guilt floods through me. God, he's absolutely right. I have been letting assholes dictate me my entire life.

"Also, I'm falling in love with Liam."

My head snaps up, and my eyes pop wide open. "You're sixteen!"

He looks offended. "I'm turning seventeen in four months."

"You're still a baby!"

"You said you were in love with Ben too when you were sixteen!"

"We do not talk about that past." I glare.

He holds up his hands. "Sorry. Sorry. But I can't help what I feel towards Liam."

"You said he doesn't even like you back."

He scoffs. "Of course he does. I said that he's playing hard to get."

I roll my eyes. "Take the hint, buddy. Are you even sure Liam is gay?"

He opens his mouth, then closes it.

"Banks. Don't make me think I'm falling for a straight guy."

I snort.

"Shit." He looks gloomy now.

I roll my eyes. "I'm kidding. Maybe he does like you back."

His face brightens again. Damn, he must really like this Liam kid.

A sudden thought comes to me. I don't know if it's a good one or a bad one.

"Do you wanna...uh, I don't know, call Liam over for dinner sometime?"

He furrows his eyebrows. "Really?"

I nod. "Maybe I can finally meet him without him running away at the sight of me."

Caleb's eyes look hopeful. "You really want to invite him over?"

"Yeah."

Happiness bursts across his face along with excitement. He looks like he's barely able to contain himself. "We can do that! I have to ask him first though. He thinks you're fucking scary—not his fault when you always look angry when you see him."

"Hey, I was mad for good reasons," I argue.

He shrugs. "Maybe. You need to make amends with Lance too, by the way."

I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"You were hella rude to him. He was just trying to look out for you and you nearly tore his head off."

I scoff. "He was being too much! I can take care of myself."

He rolls his eyes with a shake of his head. "Lance was so scared when you fainted. He actually looked terrified as if you were dying in there or something."

My annoyance simmers down. "Really?"

He nods. "He drove as if we were being chased. I won't be surprised if he has fifty speeding tickets right now."

Guilt overcomes me again. Maybe I was a little bit harsh when I was telling him to keep his persistence low. I know why he was so scared. He already lost Olive. He didn't deserve my annoyance.

I groan into my hands. "I always mess things up."

"You make it right. Just send him a text thanking him for today—God, Banks, did you even do that? Did you say thank you to him?"

"No..."

He sighs, then orders. "Take out your phone. Do it now."

"Now?"

"Yes."

Reluctantly, I pull out my phone and open my chat with Lance. I'm glad the recent chat was about us talking about him coming over at noon for coffee and not his usual crude flirty texts.          

Me: Thank you

Before I can press send though, Caleb snatches the phone from my hand.

"Jesus, woman." He rolls his eyes. "Do you not know how to send a text of appreciation?"

My eyebrows draw together. "But that's how I text."

"If you really wanna thank him then do it properly."

"I don't see the point of it. I'm thanking him for today. It doesn't have to be difficult."

"See, just because you think it's difficult, doesn't mean Lance thinks so too. Maybe he'd like a nice and long text about how glad you are to have him in your life and that he's not annoying like you shouted at him today."

"I don't know how to do long and nice though!"

He draws out a sigh. "I'll do it."

"Sure?"

"Yup. I've got this. Don't worry."

  ●・○・●・○・●  

~ Lance Astor ~

"She first fainted because she was stressed, then she had to be kept in the hospital for two whole hours, and when I told her let's go eat, guess what she said?"

"What?" Xander replies, bored.

"She said let me go meet Kaylee first." I scoff. "Like what?"

"Girls," Theo comments, rolling his eyes.

"This one in particular though." I groan. "She has my dick in a twist and I don't even know what to do about it."

Theo snickers. "Your dick is not that long."

I frown. "Yes, it is."

"Please shut up before Theo pulls out his dick." Castle squeezes his eyes shut.

"Hey, it's a glorious one! Definitely something to stare at."

Castle rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his laban. I take a sip too. This thing is starting to grow on me. 

"Coming back to my point," I say, getting their attention. "She doesn't take care of herself at all! And when I try to do it, she gets annoyed and snaps at me. Like, sorry for making sure you don't faint and crack open your head!" My eyebrows furrow in irritation.

It takes me a moment to realize that the guys are sharing a look.

"What? Why are you looking at each other that way?"

"My dude," Theo places a hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

I blink. "What?"

Castle gives me a sympathetic look. "It's alright, Lance. We get it."

"Get what? What are you guys talking about?"

"You're not going to lose her," Xander states.

"What do you mean?"

Theo's hand tightens on my shoulder. "Banks is not Olive. You're not going to lose her."

My hands freeze on the glass.

"I get that you're worried but you're also being paranoid." Castle rubs the back of his neck. "I mean I would be too if something like that happened to Holly. But I think I would like someone to reassure me that Holly won't end up like my mom."

"In a wheelchair?" Theo asks, stupidly.

"No, asshole. She died."

"Oh right. Shit, sorry man." Theo winces. "But yeah, whatever he said, Lance. Go easy on yourself. You were this close to lashing out on Banks today."

"I was...?" My eyes widen, baffled.

All of them nod.

"I thought I was going to see you get smacked by Imouto."

"I didn't mean to come off as aggressive." Guilt comes over me. Was I harsh on Banks?

"Yeah, we know," Castle says. Xander nods. "I think you should've thought about what she was going through too. Didn't you say she fainted because she found out something happened to Caleb?"

I nod.

While Caleb and I were outside the hospital room, he broke down crying and told me exactly what happened. It completely slipped my mind that Banks was stressed because the kid was fucking harming himself. God. That must've been so traumatic.

And I was ready to yell at her instead of holding her hand...

God. I didn't even realize that I was comparing her situation to Olive's. I got so paranoid thinking I was going to lose her too that I didn't think straight.

"I messed up." I groan, placing my forehead in my hand.

Theo opens his mouth but a text interrupts him. My spine jerks because it's a specific ringtone I chose for Banks. I eagerly pull out my phone.

My eyebrows shoot up when I see the length of the text. As I read, the furrow between my eyebrows deepen to the point where it pulls on my entire forehead. Low panic seeps into my bones as I read the entire thing.

Banks: I'm so sorry for how I acted with you. You never deserved the way I treated you. I'm so thankful to have you in my life even though it might not be forever. I wanted to say that I'm sorry for one last time tonight and that I'm glad I had you for the past few months. It's all going to end today though. I promise. After tonight, you won't hear it from me again.

"Shit!" I jump to my feet.

My friends startle, alarmed.

"What's wrong?" Castle question.

"Banks is going to suicide! We need to get there fast." I scramble to grab my jacket, keys, wallet and phone.

"Wait what?" Xander furrows his eyebrows.

"Read her message!" I throw them my phone.

They read the message while gathering up their things.

At their confused faces, I say, "Banks never texts like that! She barely apologizes or says thank you. We need to go now before she does something to herself!"

I don't know if it's the panic in my voice or the way my hands tremble, but my friends move in a flash, quickly locking up and piling up into my car. I speed to her apartment, the whole time my heart lurching in my chest. Horrible thoughts flash through my head despite me scolding myself to be positive. 

I can't fucking think while Banks might be doing God knows what.

I barely make it through alive and screech to a stop in front of her apartment.

Ignoring the slow as fuck elevator, we take the steps three at a time until we reach the top.

"Banks!" I bang on her door. "Banks! Open up!"

She doesn't.

"Should we just break the door?" Theo asks.

Everyone nods.

Xander and I position ourselves sideways and prepare ourselves to break down the door.

"On three," I say.

"Three."

"Two."

"One."

We lurch forward with our shoulders. Except it doesn't make contact.

The door opens and just for a second, I register the startled look on Banks' face before Xander and I crash into her.

We all go down with a scream from her.

Xander quickly gets off me and I raise myself onto my arm to look at Banks looking dazed and half unconscious beneath me.

"Shit. Banks. Did I kill you?"

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Caleb yelps.

I curse under my breath. "Banks. Hello? Can you hear me?"

She blinks into focus, a frown coming on her face. Slowly, squinting her eyes, she meets my stare.

She mumbles something under her breath that I can't hear.

"What?" I lower my ear to her mouth.

"I'm going to kill you." She whispers.

My back tenses.

"Um..." I raise myself again and pick her up too by the arm. "Sorry. We didn't mean to attack." Then I remember the reason why we fell on her in the first place. "Banks! You didn't commit suicide yet?"

She furrows her eyebrows. "What...?"

I check her neck and her wrists. I reach under her clothes to make sure there are no cuts but she quickly yanks my hands away.

"What the hell are you doing?" She demands, stepping away from me.

I stare at her as she glares at me. The sight of her looking completely alright and present steals my breath away. My shoulders sag down in relief and my body slumps forward on its own, my head landing on her shoulder.

She stumbles under my weight, but holds her ground, her hands coming on my waist.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just as confused." Caleb stares at us.

"Why were you going to suicide, Imouto?" For once, Theo sounds serious. "I know life is hard but come on now, we're here for you. What will happen to Caleb if you leave?"

"You were going to suicide?" Caleb asks, shocked.

"What? No." Placing her hands on my chest, she pushes me away. A deep frown marks her face. "Who told you guys I'm committing suicide?"

"Uh, you," I reply.

She tilts her head. "When?"

"In your text. Well, you didn't exactly say that but we assumed..." I trail off.

"What text?" She asks.

I pull out my phone and show her.

Her eyebrows are scrunched the entire time she reads the text. When she's done, she looks up. "This, in no form conveys that I was going to suicide."

"You said you won't hear it from me again. What the hell does that mean?" I question.

"She meant you won't hear her being rude to you again," Caleb says.

"I told you not to add that in." Banks glares at him.

"What? Didn't you want the text to sound genuine?"

I stare between them, confused. "Caleb's the one who sent the text?"

He nods. "Yeah. I was helping Banks apologize to you."

"Why apologize to me?"

"Because she was an asshole to you."

"Okay, I wasn't an asshole." She rolls her eyes.

"Mmm," Caleb scrunches his face in disbelief. "I think you were a pretty big one."

"Shut the fuck up before I throw you out the window."

"See!" He jabs his finger in her direction. "She's rude!"

"Wait. Wait. Wait." I shake my head. "So, Banks. You weren't gonna suicide?"

"No. What the hell? Why would I?"

"Well, this is awkward..." Theo laughs.

"You guys thought I was going to suicide because of the text?"

"Yeah, because you never text like that."

Caleb bursts out laughing and she face-palms. 

"You guys are dumb." She sighs.

"Hey, we were just worried." Theo gives her a pointed look. "Next time, give us some context before going on about how thankful and sorry you are in the middle of the night."

She shakes her head. "I didn't think you guys would take it as me going to suicide."

"I'm sorry I was too much for you today." I blurt. "I was only worried and didn't realize I was comparing you to Olive and terrifying myself. I promise I'll be less caring from now on."

She blinks. "What? No. Lance, your reaction was fine. It was me who didn't understand where you were coming from, and I just snapped at you."

"You had the right to snap at me. You were already worried about Caleb and I was forcing you to forget everything."

"Which was right in some way. I do worry a lot, so I needed that today."

"Really?"

She nods.

"So you're not mad at me?"

She shakes her head. "Not anymore."

I breathe out. "Thank god. I promise I'll text you less, care about you less, and do you want me to show my face only twice a day or is that too much too?"

She shrugs. "I think it's fine."

A smile breaks across my face. "I love you."

Her face drops as shock registers in her eyes.

it takes me a moment to realize what came out of my mouth. I quickly slam my hand over it.

"If you guys kiss, I'm going to throw up." Caleb cuts in.

"Shut up, kid." Theo grins. "Where's the popcorn?"

"I'll talk to you guys later." I turn around and start pushing my friends out of her apartment.

They protest, wanting to stay.

"You drove us here, fucker." Castle points out.

I pull out my keys and throw it to them, before shutting the door in their faces.

"I thought bros before hoes, dude!" Theo yells, with a bang on the door.

"Just for tonight!" I yell back then hear them grumble before hearing their receding footsteps.

Turning around, I see Banks shoving a protesting Caleb into his room too. She finally gets him inside before shutting the door and locking him in.

Turning around, there's a hesitant look on her face as she faces me.

"I didn't mean to blurt it out like that." I groan. "I wanted to take you to a nice dinner and confess with a promise ring or something."

She stares at me from across the living room. "Do you mean it?"

"Yeah, I do. I'm already looking at designs for the rings—"

"No, I meant the other thing."

"What?"

"What you just said."

"The rings?"

"Not the rings, Lance. The other thing."

"What other thi—Ohh, you mean that."

She nods.

"Of course, I meant it. Why would I say it then?"

She bites her bottom lip, looking reluctant.

"What? You don't believe me?" I ask.

She lifts a shoulder.

In five strides, I reach her, cupping her face in my hands.

"I love you." I stare into her eyes.

Emotions flicker across them.

"Really?" Her voice is low, as if she's scared I'm going to laugh in her face.

I nod. "It was pretty much inevitable. You're there keeping me on my toes, yelling at me, threatening me, and it's so exciting. You're so gorgeous, sometimes I have chest aches whenever I look at you. My screen time went up with how much I text you and stare at your photos when we're not in the same room. I love you, Banks. And if you don't believe me, then say the word, and I'll do anything to make you believe it."

Her bottom lip slightly juts out as her eyes soften. She looks away from my eyes, a blush covering her cheeks.

"You don't have to say it back if you don't want to," I reassure her. "I didn't want to say it right now either, but it just came out."

"I don't know what to say." She whispers.

"Then don't. We can just do this." Tilting her face to me, I bring her mouth closer to mine. I don't get the chance to claim her lips though because Caleb starts banging on the door.

"Before you guys kiss, can I pee? I really have to go!"

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

As someone who grew up in a family where showing emotions is an absolute NO, expressing myself using words is very difficult.

I've never said 'I love you' to my best friend even though I would die for him and fight a million people for him. He's always complimenting me, telling me how proud he is of me and how much he looks up to me, but I've always found it difficult to do the same.

My parents would TEAR me down for showing a little bit of weakness. If I cried in front of them, then it's game over. I'm going to have to hear it for the rest of my life about how "weak" I was.

Thankfully, I'm getting much better at communicating because of the right friends who let me cry on their shoulders and actually want to help me. I'm writing myself as Banks who's slowly opening her guard and letting her express herself and get out of her own head.

It's hard being the oldest daughter in a traditional family :(

I didn't even realize how I shut myself up emotionally and mentally to the people around me. My parents only wanted me to become a strong girl but instead, they forced me to build a tough shell around myself. We just need the right people to slowly break that shell and tell us that it's alright to show a little bit of emotion and that it doesn't make us weak.

If anyone is going through the same situation as me or Banks then I sincerely hope that you're not too hard on yourself <3

Words: 4,500

Date of publishing: 9th July 2024