| 29 |

~ Banks Woods ~    

My eyes open to bright fluorescent lights.

For a minute, blankness overcomes my senses, leaving me in the dark. Slowly the memories start trickling in. I was talking to Caleb—arguing. We were arguing. He took off his hoodie to show me he was self-harming. Then I...

Fuck. Did I faint?

I sit up and find myself in a white bed, surrounded by white walls. I don't see anyone in the room with me, and a slight unease comes over me.

"Caleb!" I call out.

The door opens but disappointment filters through me when a nurse walks in instead. She smiles when she meets my eyes.

"Hey, hon. How are you doing?" She walks up to the IV stuck in my arm and checks it.

"What happened?"

"A little under-nourished. Nothing major to worry about. You definitely do not have anemia."

I blink. "What?"

She smiles, looking as easy as the summer breeze. "You're showing signs of it. A few supplements and a couple of treatments, and you'll be back to normal. So yes, nothing to worry about." She says, then adds. "Except for your diet."

"Where's my brother?"

"The boy who's been bawling his eyes for the past hour?" She raises an eyebrow. "He's outside. I'll let him in once I'm done checking you. Lie down for me, please."

I ease back into the bed and huff out a breath. Anemia? Seriously? I knew my diet was shit but I didn't know it was shit enough to give me a disease.

After the nurse checks everything and asks me a couple of questions, she heads out and not a second later Caleb rushes into the room, his eyes red and watery.

I raise an eyebrow, about to make a snarky comment, but my words fall silent when I notice the distressed look on his face. Sitting up, I lean back against the pillow while he stands there awkwardly at the foot of the bed.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I murmur.

He looks guilty and embarrassed, his eyes cast down.

"Caleb..." I start, uneasily, biting my lip. I know I'm shit at conversations but my brother is fucking harming himself because he couldn't talk to me. Get the fuck out of your own head, Banks.

"I'm sorry." I breathe out. "I didn't realize I shut you off. I tried too hard to ignore everything that happened after Mom and Dad's death and the breakup, and us leaving the bitch's house and trying to survive on our own. I didn't realize I shut off everyone else too. I only wanted to do my best to give you a better life so that you didn't feel empty. I'm sorry I couldn't—"

"I know, Banks." He says, softly. "I know. I know how much you try every single day. You could've abandoned me with the bitch and escaped the moment you turned eighteen but no. You were hell-bent on taking me with you."

"I would never leave you behind," I state.

"I know." He wrings his hands together, looking ashamed. "You work so hard every single day even though I do nothing for you in return."

"I want nothing in return."

"But I still want to do something." He looks frustrated now. "You're not my parent, Banks. You're not mom or dad. You're my sister and I want you to treat me like I'm your sibling. Instead of trying to fix all my problems, I want you to sometimes kick me in the ass and shove me to fix it myself."

"I do kick you in the ass."

He gives me a little humourless smile. He looks down again. "I know the breakup was hard on you and how mom and dad treated you. I was there too. It was unfair how they all treated you like their own personal toy. I know you tried your best to keep me away from them. But, Banks, we're in this together, remember? Sometimes I wish you dumped all your trauma on me. I know you're all about 'my pain is my problem', but sometimes I want you to rely on me too. I know I can't help you but you don't have to cage it all in. You can tell me things."

"You could too." My eyes water, my gaze straying to his covered torso. "I know I'm difficult to talk to, but one word from you and I'll drop everything."

"Look at you. Acting like a parent again." He shakes his head. "I want you to force me to face my own problems. I want to be able to tell you things without having to worry about you making my troubles your own."

"But...but you're going through something and I want to help."

"Then help me." Tears gather in his eyes. "Don't make it a burden for yourself. Give me a hand, instead of just putting your life into it."

"I...I just want to make sure you're safe."

"I am safe, Banks. You never let me feel anything but safe." A tear slides down his face and the sight breaks my heart. "You do so much for me and it makes me feel useless and pathetic that I can't do anything for you in return. Every day I hate myself for living a life that you worked hard for. I don't deserve this. Any of what you're doing for me. It's not your job to make sure I'm living."

"But I'm your—"

"My older sister, I know." He sniffles, bringing a hand to swipe at his cheek. "Still. Your job is not to parent me. It's not to provide for me or look after me. Your job is to give me a push, to guide me, to support and help me. Not do all the things for me."

"Is that why this is happening?" I gesture with my chin towards his torso.

"I don't know why it's happening." Another round of tears well up in his eyes, and he rushes his words out as if he's going to break. "I tried to ignore it. I don't even know why I picked up the knife that day. I remember feeling so helpless and alone that I just did it. I'm sorry—" That's when he breaks. A sob shatters from his throat and tears gush down his face.

I'm out of bed within seconds and Caleb rushes to me. We've never done this before but somehow, without words, we know exactly what we're doing. His head falls onto my shoulder and my arms come around him. He cries into my neck and I hold him, fighting back my own tears.

"I'm—sorry. I'm so—sorry, Banks. I never wanted to be a failure." He chokes between sobs.

"Shh, it's okay. You're not." I rub his back. "Trust me, you're not."

"I do nothing—for you and it hurts me every day—that you go through so much while—I'm just standing in the back."

"Caleb. Shh. Breathe." I put my hand over his head, wrapping my arms around him, wanting to shield him from everything possible. "You're enough for me. I never saw you as useless or pathetic. You hear me? You do nothing in the house. You don't even pick up your underwear, but I never saw you as a failure."

His body trembles in my hold, and I hold him impossibly tighter. "I am, though."

"You're not, Caleb. You're not. If you were a failure then I wouldn't be working this hard for you. You think I'd spend my life going through so much for someone worthless to me?"

He burrows his head deep into the crook of my neck and I rub circles on his back. Hearing him wail splinters my heart until I'm sure there's nothing but holes left.  

"Whenever someone abandoned or shunned me, you've always been there. Even after I yell or snap at you, you're still there and come back smiling as if you didn't just get your ear pulled. You bring this...light to my life, Caleb. If you weren't there, I don't know where I would've been."

He shakes his head. "You would've figured it out."

I shrug. "Maybe. But I know for a fact I would feel empty as fuck if you weren't there." Pulling away, I look into his eyes, my hand on his shoulder. "You're my brother, Caleb. I don't need you to give me anything in return because you already gave me enough. By being yourself. You take me out of my misery by being your annoying self. You don't realize this but you give me purpose. Otherwise, I would've been completely lost."

He sniffles, snot mixing with his tears. I can tell he wants to cry again, but instead, he wipes his face with his sleeve. "You sound really weird saying all that."

I playfully punch his cheek. "That's the last you'll be hearing it from me."

He inhales, taking in deep breaths. The tears stop and his eyes look even redder and swollen. He peers into my eyes and I want to hold him again. I want him to shrink into the little boy he was who couldn't even walk or talk.

He clears his throat and takes a tiny step away from me. I guess hug-time is officially over for us. God knows when we'll ever hug again.

"There's something you need to know." He starts, hesitatingly.

Finally. I think. He's finally going to tell me.

He takes a deep breath, not meeting my eyes.

"I'm gay."

My initial reaction is to break out in a victory dance that it's nothing about drugs but then his words slam into me like a truck, nearly driving me to the edge of the cliff.

"Uh, what?"

He fiddles with his fingers. "That's another reason why I guess it hurt me the most. That I'm...not straight and I couldn't tell you about it."

I furrow my eyebrows, feeling horrible. "You thought I would be disappointed in you if you came out to me?"

He shakes his head immediately. "Of course not. I know you won't."

"Then...why?"

"Because—I don't know. You're the type of person who hates something unordinary. You don't like surprises. I didn't want to put another strain on you or something by coming out while you were still healing after Ben and everything that happened in the past."

I groan, putting my hands over my face. Was I really that unapproachable? I thought I was the only one who was wronged and hurt. I didn't know I was hurting Caleb in return too.

"You shouldn't be thinking about my reaction and worrying about my feelings. My pain is not your burden."

He rolls his eyes. "There you go. Trying to shut yourself off from me again."

"Hey, it's a habit. I can't change within this minute." I sigh, then drop my head. "But...I'll try. It will take time."

He nods. "I'll try too. To make myself useful and get better."

"Caleb, I already told you. I don't want anything in return—"

He shakes his head. "Not for you. I want to become better because of you. I want to be as hard-working as you are and take care of you too. You can't always be running after me."

The urge to run my fingers through his hair comes over me. I would've done it if he were a small baby, but now he's a teenager who's going to bully me for showing some affection.

He clears his throat. "Also, the guy you keep catching me with—it's him."

"Him?" I ask, confused.

He looks shy all of a sudden and plays with the hem of his hoodie. "The one whom I'm gay for."

Oh. Oh.

"So he's the one whom you've been secretly texting?"

He nods.

"What about the time you ran out of the house?"

He clenches his jaw. "He's going through something. Something worse than me. He sent me a long text thanking me for sticking to him despite everyone bullying him at school and—it was a pretty long text which was unusual." He rubs the back of his neck. "I freaked out thinking he was going suicide or something."

"He's being bullied?" I frown. "He's the reason you keep getting into fights and the school keeps calling me over?"

"I don't get into fights. I just defend, and then the teachers catch me because you know? It's easier to blame me against the bunch of them with their rich parents."

"And what about today? Skipping school?"

"Liam wasn't feeling too good inside the school. He had a panic attack and I don't know—I just took him outside for some air and at that moment, the school looked like some prison, so we just stayed out there instead of going back in."    

I get it. I've been in high school. It's absolutely shit. Worst experience of my life.

"I understand, Caleb. You could've told me instead of hiding."

"I would've but then you'll be finding solutions and pestering me with them."

We both stare at each other for a while. I can make out his lips moving, silently counting under his breath.

"3...2...1..."

"Do you need to switch schools? Do you want me to come see those bullies?"

He sighs. "There we go."

I scowl. "I'm just worried."

"Then worry. Don't give me solutions. Just tell me life's tough and it is what it is and move on with your life."

I groan. "Can I see what the bullies look like?"

He narrows his eyes. "No."

I sigh. "Fine. I'll give you space. Go face your troubles on your own. I'll just stand in the back watching you get beaten around, without doing anything. Even if you're bleeding with broken limbs, I'll just say life's tough and leave you in the dust."

He inhales deeply. "Thank you."

I nod.

"Now it's Lance's turn to fuss over you so I'll leave him to that." Saying that Caleb turns away to walk to the door.

"Wait." My eyes widen. "Lance is here?"

"Who do you think brought you to the hospital?" He drawls as if I'm stupid for not figuring that out.

I am stupid. I should've realized Caleb wasn't smart enough to think of the hospital when I fainted right in his fucking arms. Obviously, he called Lance. 

"Wait," I stop Caleb as another thought crosses me. "So you had a boyfriend this whole time?" I ask.

He shrugs, a smile appearing on his face. "He's playing hard to get, but he'll come around."

"But you flirted with girls before at the cafe." I frown.

He thinks it over. "Maybe I'm bi. I don't know. This is all still too new and confusing to me."

I bite my lip, playing with my fingers. "Want to talk about it?"

A smile spreads across his face. "Sure. Later though. You can do your yucky stuff with your boyfriend first." Saying that he saunters out of the room.

A minute later, Lance appears at the doorway. He takes one look, before hurrying over to me and engulfing me in a huge hug.

"Hey," I murmur, melting in his hold.

"Hey. How are you?"

I nod. "Better." And a lot lighter after the talk with Caleb.

He pulls away and grabs my chin, turning my face side to side. "Do you feel dizzy again? Are you breathing right?"

I notice the way his eyebrows are scrunched tight, and how worried he looks.

"Hey." My hands come on his shoulders, squeezing reassuringly. "I'm alright. Are you alright?"

He nods. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?"

I reach up and try to flatten the crease between his eyebrows. "Are you sure?"

He takes a long look at my face before breathing out. "Fuck. I was terrified."

My gaze softens.

His hands absentmindedly touch me everywhere. My hair, my arms, my waist.

"You have no idea how terrified I was when Caleb called me, crying, saying you guys were arguing and you just fainted. He said you looked ghostly before that."

I gently pat his chest. "I'm okay. Apparently, I'm showing signs of anemia."

He frowns. "You need to take better care of yourself."

I nod. "I will."

"No, you seriously need to, Banks." His grip tightens around me. "It's not a joke anymore. You passed out. What will happen if something happens to you?"

My confusion grows the more serious his face gets. I've never seen Lance this rattled before.

"Hey...are you sure you're okay?"

He takes a look at me before a breath escapes his mouth. He pulls away, raking his hands through his hair.

"I'm sorry. I just...I got scared. The nurse wouldn't tell us anything because they didn't know what was going on either. I got scared that I was going...to lose you."

"It's fine. I'm completely fine. It'll take a lot more than that to kick me out of this world."

His lips twitch and he gathers me in his arms again. I rest my head on the cool jacket of his suit and let him hold me while I do nothing. He hugs me for a long time, every inch of our bodies pressed against each other.

"I missed you." He murmurs in my hair.

"I missed you too," I reply, then add. "When I was not unconscious and having a heartfelt conversation with Caleb."

"Oh right, that." He pulls away enough just to look at my face. "How'd it go?"

"Good. Terrible." I shrug, shame filling my veins. "I didn't realize how many bricks I built around me. I thought I was protecting myself but instead, I hurt him and apparently Kaylee too. I feel so fucking horrible."

"You and Caleb need to stop feeling horrible about yourselves."

"Runs in the family I guess," I mutter.

He smiles. "This is good. I'm glad you and Caleb talked it out. Even though it happened because you fainted. The kid cried the whole hallway awake. He felt so guilty and scared."

Sadness sweeps over me. "I don't know how to move forward. What if I do something wrong again without realizing it and hurt Caleb?"

He shrugs. "You'll never find out if you don't talk to him. Communication is the key, remember? Just ask him what he wants and you tell him what you want, then both of you can work from there."

I give him an affectionate look, my arms sliding around his neck. "You should become a therapist."

"I'll expect my payment as a date on Friday, Ms Woods." He grins.

"How about something else?" I give him a suggestive look.

He catches onto it and a twinkle enters his eyes. "I knew you were a flirt. Look at you with that look in your eyes."

I try to contain my smile. "What look?"

"The look that says fuck me."

"Lance!"

"What?"

"Caleb's right outside!"

"He can't hear us."

I roll my eyes. "You can't say things like that out loud."

"Why not? If I want to fuck my girlfriend, I will tell her that I want to fuck her. Banks, can we fuck?" He asks me, sincerely. "Right after you start your supplements and eat a heck lot of meat that I'll be buying you." 

I chuckle, shaking my head. "Sure. Why not?"

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Well, I'm glad that got sorted out between the two siblings. Now just a couple more chapters to go and we're done! Finally!

Words: 3,200

Date of publishing: 8th July 2024