[as seen in alexander's eyes]

The fact that I've fooled myself into thinking I could make someone like him to fall in love with me was a joke; It's all my fault.  I got myself into this mess, I should've just stopped fooling myself when I had the chance.

Those were the words that I told myself, tears streaming down my face, what was I thinking and what was I trying to prove? Nevertheless, his name would always cross my mind and it would always bring to tears everytime.

It sounds awfully cliché, but if it didn't mean something for him, it meant a lot for me. That problematic relationship felt like a show; everything's just too fake and often becomes just shallow to the point where you'd get the impression that young love is evil which it really isn't.

In this generation, a "relationship" barely means anything nowadays, people who are in a relationship don't even understand what it feels like to have someone who actually appreciates / understand you and would bother helping whatever you're going through and vice versa.

But it doesn't matter anymore, not for him or to anyone who thinks the word "love" is just something people can throw away when everything just falls apart.

I used to believe true love existed, but after everything, it's safe to say that the word "love" in today's society is just another word for lust.

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That relationship between me and Joseph was beyond control; it was just too dysfunctional, it felt like a show that we had to act out but the joke was that I never had the starring role in his life.

I've asked him to only love me but that love was out of pity.

Everything he did was out of pity.

He called it an isolated incident, a pity party that was made for two and it was everything he could come up with because he never loved me like how I loved him. It sounded more pathetic and hilarious than it already was, I wanted to feel angry or just fueled with pure anguish; but it only left me to question how it ended up like this.

How could he simply tell someone that he did that out of pity when his actions spoke louder than his words? Was he in denial of his feelings or was just doing this just for fun? Either way, it'll only end up with him denying everything he onced said to me and considering what he did was just in the past.

I took this pain on a personal level. The (emotional) abuse I had to endure to stay right beside him, the times where his jokes were based off how pathetic I was to him and the chances he was suppose to see that he took for granted. There were also times where suicide was the only option, but I had to keep myself alive to see if he ever saw the spark I saw in him sadly, he never wanted to see it.

I didn't know how it came to this really, but then again, It always comes to this point where everything is on me. Am I that dysfunctional? Am I some kind of self-centered, narcissistic piece of garbage because I've always heard it from everyone who sincerely hates me.

Maybe I've gone off topic but I'm just going through a lot. Experts say that I maybe going through something called "depression" but they say "it's only a phase" and I really don't know if it is or it isn't but I just want to be happy.

But back to the actual problem, this problem of mine has reached six years and all I really want is to be happy with him but every time the topic is about love, the whole conversation and the mood completely changes. He starts off by ignoring the actual question then swerving down another subject and eventually dodges everything related to love. Or in my case, when it comes to me.

My heart skips a beat whenever he says he loves me and it breaks whenever he says that it was only out of pity. I have Andrew to always defend me when it comes to Joseph but I don't want him to always do it for me, I just feel...so alone even when I was around him. His (Joseph) kisses were lukewarm, almost close to cold like he was just forced to do these things just to make me happy.

The sad truth is that he's in denial of everything; He wants to love me but he stops himself and it comes off as some kind of half hearted. He keeps on telling me that I should just love someone else but he has this weird habit of asking about my lovelife when he knows that I barely can keep it together because of him and it always ends up in a fight.

It almost feels like a joke whenever he pretends that nothing really has happened between us. But there's not much to do but to cut everything what "we had" and pretend nothing happened. Hopefully, this plan works.

I'll write an update on whenever this plan works or not.