chapter forty ;; my answer
jeongguk's perspective
°☆.。.:*・°☆

There was an infinitely clinging silence to it all. As the waves furiously crashed at the bottom with a crisped spritz brought along a heavy breeze, my hair tossed around, though I was completely still. It was like my body was paralyzed, fear strangling me at the feeling of a lost connection.

The pieces didn't fit quiet as well, leaving cracks to run throughout and areas needed refilling. They matched the scratches running across the palms of my hand, the ones that'd connected painfully to the ground, just like how my mind had connected painfully to reality. Time had taken ahold, jostling me out of fairytales and dreams. Mr. Tan wasn't real, yet I had foolishly held onto the idea so tightly.

With a head held up to the sky and tears cascading, it felt like I had finally reached the limit, like there couldn't possibly be another shove over the cliff. Not that I was planning on dying. My mom would be so disappointed in me. The ferocious water down below just seemed infinitely enticing, possibly a way to cure the roaring fever deep within my veins.

Irony could go fuck itself.

Eyes blank but glazing across the seascape, sweet sounds of pianos uplift from my car radio. A time where I was undeniably jubilant with passions and ambitions, being a pianist was all I desired. Mom had created a CD of me playing at an age of only eleven, my prime time for wishes. Now those ambitions were dead. It was only a reminder of everything else.

Death, death, death, reeking a havoc that could never be classified as beautiful. No matter how many autumn leaves you could show me, no matter how many snow filled lands I could play in, there was no way to convince me otherwise. It was stupid, horrific, and downright terrifying when you're up at the butcher's cutting board.

"You're here." The voice only brought more tears to my already damp face, letting out a loud scream of frustration and hatred, while the white piece of paper that used to be uncreased was strangled within my own grasp. It took only a second to rip the paper to shreds in an enraged silence, the eyes of another carefully trained within a firmly set distance. He was afraid, as he should be. I brought nothing but depressing thoughts and life-ruining impacts. A group of friends had shattered so easily, almost as easily as the paper that was now floating down the cliff and towards the dark blue ocean, "Baby-"

"Don't. I don't like being sucked up to." I snap, staring down at the lapping waves, which crashed and thrashed around.

Taehyung bites down on his plump lower lip, staring down at his feet with black shoes. They contrasted against my white converse that were now offset from kicking up rocks and dirt. He walks forward, footsteps echoing through my ears seeming much more sensitive and keen to only his movements and actions, like they'd trained themselves to understand. Taehyung was now easy to view through my peripheral vision.

A deep, sad sigh emitted past his dry lips before speaking, sticking his tongue out to wet them, "I should've assumed that, but I need to know why you've been so hostile towards me, why you ran away the morning after you had that fever, before I could even wake up."

A bitter laugh intertwined with so many fuck you's it was impossible to count, "Come talk to me when your first love shouts at you that your loyalty isn't believable enough and they almost give up on you without any words exchanged after a misunderstanding."

"Oh." He mumbles, putting his naked hands into his beige trench coat's pockets. Taehyung was dressing like he wanted to show off his money.

"Oh." I mock, sending a dagger filled side glare, the pained look on his face almost making some anger within me dissipate, "But it's not like you weren't sober or anything. You just decided to your alcohol sensitive boyfriend outside and in the cold on a whim."

"Jeongguk..."

"I get it, Tae. I'm not worth it, never was and never will be. At least you have Seoyun as a fall back."

There was an ugly grimace on his usually flawless face, sending a tremble down my spine at the menacing sight. I know the blow was low, but the words left before I could even second-guess them. Taehyung was never one to visually scare me, but now the look on his face pointed at my doe eyes had me petrified.

"Say that you're not worth it one more time, and I'll leave you, for good. I'm tired of that bullshit, Jeongguk, the way you look down on yourself at everyone's expense. Every time I slip, you make it instantly correlate to you, not once thinking that maybe, just maybe, there's a reason other than you not being good enough for me." I was silenced by his words, feeling absolutely lost, "You can always be so selfish, but once again, it only adds to who you are: a Damsel in distress, yes?" He seems to end there, only making my fists clench.

"K-Keep going, I want to hear all you have to say."

Sad eyes stare at my profile, which only continues to stare at the jagged rocks down below, "I feel like you only use me as an outlet, Jeongguk..." For once, there were true emotions in his current words, the sound of a prominent lump welling in his throat, "The only moments I'm cared for are when you fear of losing me. I know how it is, how you only helped me that one night I showed up because you thought I'd leave if you didn't..."

Silence, a light sob slicing through it within only seconds. Taehyung never cries, but here he was, already in tears. A boy who always tried to act so strong for me, one who covered me from harm's way, one who would push my selfish and self-centered thoughts to the side. I had become a leach, not someone to love. I had become an abuser myself, draining the one who was falling to his knees for all he was, and that's why I found myself pushing away the problems slamming throughout my brain and body and bloodstream to hold him close.

"Please, keep crying. It's not good to never cry." It was like the wind had a tuned ear, picking up with such velocity once the elder one in my arms began to loudly sob, still not convinced in the world's worth.

"I knew I was supposed to save you but not at the cost of my own mental health." He practically shouts into my now soddened cardigan, slamming his fists lightly onto my chest. After all of this, and Taehyung was still afraid to hurt me.

"And you shouldn't have to." I reassuringly say with a wavering voice, grasping onto him as tightly as my weak arms could bare. With bruised hands, my fingers run through his brown hair with nearly blonde highlights now, indicating our time spent together, "I've been here, acting like everything was playing against my attempts, when you were the only one who ever truly needed help. I'm the one who should be experiencing and taking your mental pain away. We shouldn't both be suffering, only one of us should be."

"J-Jeongguk..."

"I fear the worst, Taehyung," my darker voice speaks, "and I don't want you to have that same feeling, not now, not ever."

"G-Guk, you're only making me cry even more." I ignore his pleas, taking in a long, and deep breath, one that smelled of lemonade as I nuzzled my noes into Taehyung's scented hair.

"I want to...I want to give myself to you." I quietly say, my voice barely audible as it was muffled, "I want to show my love and my passion for you, for us, and I promise I won't drop these wishes like I did with the piano all those years ago. It's my turn to pick up the pieces, to mend this mess together. Starting tonight we will both start over and give our all. I will put my trust in your hands, and I want you to do the same, no barriers."

"Are- Are saying what I think you are?" Taehyung skeptically speaks while I reach out with dainty fingers and wipe away his tears for once.

"I want to fill our late night awkward silences." It was my right to make things light, to propose sex with pretty words, "I feel like I'm in a steady place."

"Gukkie, I don't think you're ready for that commitment."

"I will never be as ready as I am now, Taehyungie." I let a light smile form on my face, never using the pet name. He reaches out with a steady hand that was much different from my trembling ones, "I'm just cold." My quiet voice reassures once viewing Taehyung's worried stare now forming into a smile as well. I don't believe this smile was sad. It was hopeful, loving, warm, finally encapsulating the honey sunsets I missed.

"Okay." Taehyung lightly whispers and places a soft kiss onto my forehead, "Let me take you to my home."

----

i...ok.

song: my answer - exo

(soz to disappoint anyone)

[march 2018: hi y'all i changed the ending so i can add a new proper smut update after this one lol]