chapter eighteen ;; about you
taehyung's perspective
°☆.。.:*・°☆

Part of me felt like I was completely stupid for doing this, just like what the rest of the guys said, but the other part felt like I was doing the right thing, that this was meant to happen and that it will happen properly.

I didn't know how or why, but I was going to try and help Jeongguk with who he is, first step learning about what he was, before whatever happened. It was evident that trauma had been induced onto the poor boy. Jeongguk sleep talks, and from the nights that I've spent with him already, I've heard far too many alarming things.

I'd left them to the side, deciding that it was just a nightmare. That was the first night that I stayed over, the night when he called me in tears. Now, it had been a solid six nights that I've spent with him and six nights where he would do things in his sleep. It would range from immense rustling around as if he were being put down to quiet sobs. Sometimes, there'd rarely be a time where he would let out a soft mumble of a chain of words, usually consisting 'sorry' and 'please'. I never slept very well while at his house after the first night.

I had watched him each night, far before I shut my eyes, if I ever did. Jeongguk was a work of art, a masterpiece- beautiful. The bruises that littered his arms and hands were like splashes of bright paint against a solemn canvas. His rosy cheeks and lips coherent with his sometimes red knuckles on his dainty hands were nothing but mesmerizing. Synonyms for Jeongguk: small, tiny, peaceful, calm, obedient, independent, quiet, special; the list goes on and on, there being no end on how you could describe him.

Today, Jeongguk wasn't curled up into a ball that resembled his hands that are usually small fists, but was in fact singing to the radio, smiling. Our windows were down all the way, and Jeongguk's neat hair was flying about in a fury of black, like a flock of crows cutting across the light sky.

The song was about the west coast and how it wasn't made out to be. There was no glam weaved into things like the other songs and movies show. It reminded me of myself. People would suspect that I'm amazing and talented by my exterior and good rumors, but in reality, I'm just as fucked up as the next person.

The volume suddenly and quickly turns down, pulling me out of my thoughts and removing my eyes from the road ahead, instead looking at Jeongguk who continued to turn the volume knob to the left. His eyes met mine, and both of our eyebrows simultaneously furrowed.

"-Why did you turn the volume down?"

"-Are you okay?"

We said the words at the same time, both of our voices fighting the other to be heard. A mess of words collide to form two sentences that don't mix. Both of us timidly look away for a moment before meeting eyes again, "Why'd you turn the volume down?" I ask before Jeongguk can beat me to talking.

"Because you looked funny." Jeongguk vaguely explains, slightly tilting his head to the side.

"Is there something on my face?" My eyes glance back to the road to make sure that I was alright for now before looking back over at the younger boy, who no longer had the bright glow that he did not even a minute ago.

"N-No," He quickly resounds, not wanting to offend me, "it's just that...your face- the expression, yeah, the expression looked like something was off in your head." Jeongguk tries his best to explain, looking down at his hands as a flustered mess.

I laugh over at him, "I was just thinking."

"What were you thinking about?"

I look back over at the road again, allowing myself to comfortably sit back into the seat while rolling my shoulders to release any knots that lay in my muscles and tendons, "You."

Out of the corner of my eye, Jeongguk's face all together widens, his thin lips forming into a small and soft 'o' curved around the edges, and his eyes widening in what I can only assume is shock. He looked younger, like a twelve year old instead of a seventeen year old boy. How funny, I was going out to dinner with a minor. His age reminded me once again that Jeongguk wasn't old at all, he was only mature, much more than I.

----

"Tae," Jeongguk breathes out once we pull up to the restaurant I'd been talking about. To say the least, I had lied to him. There was no way I just stumbled upon this location. In fact, I spent a while researching and trying to find something nice that wasn't mean to my gas tank. It was Seokjin's idea for me to choose this place. Him and Namjoon had gone not too long ago, and it apparently had the best meat, so I trusted Seokjin's word and blindly went for it, "this place is too fancy."

"It's fine."

I smile after opening up his car door, lightly taking his hand and helping him out. In an instant, he was feverishly patting down his shirt to make sure that it was pristine, and I slowly lifted both of my hands to his, clutching onto Jeongguk's arms to stop his movements.

"Hey, hey, you're fine." I sincerely say, "You'll be with me the whole time, and it's just one night." He reluctantly allows me to pull him to the front doors, his feet shuffling behind.

It would be an understatement to say that the place wasn't decadent, incased with sublime murals and magnificent white roses about. Dark oak took up most of all, the tablecloths a deep and royal blue that went nicely with the darkness of the large place. Arches were made about, creating domes of hand paintings on the inner walls that would remind anyone of Michael Angelo's work in the Sistine Chapel. There were many couples among the room, spread out so that there was privacy and comfortable distance.

"May I help you?" A proper lady dressed up in white kindly asks from behind a podium, her hair in a tight bun and hands noticeably behind her back. Her voice draws my eyes away from the gorgeous interior and over to her instead.

"Um, table for two." she gives me an awaiting look, eyebrows slightly raised, "Oh, it should be under Kim Taehyung."

Her head nods before her fingers quickly type, "Right this way." She smiles, quickly grabbing two large menus which matched the color of the tablecloths with brass edges on the corners and gold swirls painted onto the leather material.

She stops at a small, round table placed in a darker corner where barely any lights reach. It was warmer too, a vent right above the table blowing air out and over heads. Her hand extends down, placing our menus onto the table with a soft sound that only a mouse could hear.

Before Jeongguk can do anything, I pull out the seat for him, watching his cheeks turn a light shade of pink as he sits down with no sound at all, earning a nervous smile before I sit on the seat in in front of him.

"Thanks." He mumbles, looking down at his hands, and I lightly smile at him.

"I'll let you have a little bit to figure out what you'd like to order. Do you know what you'd like to drink?" The waitress grabs onto a rectangular notepad from her white apron's pocket, taking the pen off of her pocket as well and clicking the top, putting the ink swelled tip onto the paper and expectantly looking at us.

"I'll have lemonade." I smile up at her, slowly opening up my menu and eyeing Jeongguk over the top as he speaks.

"I'll have Coke." He shortly says, instantly grabbing the menu and holding it close to his face.

"Alright, I'll be out soon with your drinks." I nod at her, and she walks off, heels clacking upon the hardwood floor.

"Taehyung," Jeongguk suddenly gasps, tightly clutching onto the large menu with widened eyes, looking up at me in astonishment, "I- I can't allow you to buy me food here. It's so- so expensive." His eyes scan the menu again, and the ends of my lips twitch upwards at the sight.

"You'll have to deal with it because I'm paying." I sternly tell him, trying to add a lighter undertone to my statement.

Jeongguk looks back at me with guilt-ridden eyes before back at the words in front of him that are written in dark, fine print, "I'm only having a side dish." He says.

"You need to eat more than that-"

"I really don't." Jeongguk cuts through, staring at me with pleading eyes, "I'm not that hungry, and I never eat that much food to begin with. A side of pasta is good enough for me. Also, remember the donuts?" He quickly explains, and I'm unable to say anything back as the waitress returns, placing down our drinks and grabbing out her pen and notepad again.

"Are you ready to order yet?" She sweetly asks us.

"Yeah, I think so." My eyes look back down at the menu to refresh the name of what I want, "I'll have the T-bone Steak with rice, cooked medium well." Out of the corner of my eye, Jeongguk lightly grimaces and I hold back a chuckle.

"I'll have the side dish of Pasta Linguine with Whine Sauce." He shyly speaks, handing the menu to the waitress and taking a short sip from his Coke, glancing over at me and slightly tilting his head to the side with a questioning stare, "What?" He asks once pulling away from his straw.

"It's just...I- I don't know." I do know. For some reason, my mind just now decided to favor his appearance in the dim lighting of our shared corner that has white roses flowing through and through, bouncing off of his raven hair. Flowers would look nice in Jeongguk's hair, I finally decide, "I feel like I know nothing about you," he looks taken aback by this, making me show a light grin towards his way, "so please...tell me something that nobody else knows."

"I don't have anything to say, though."

"Nonsense, I'm sure that there's a whole story of things in your brain ready to be said." I gently tread, not wanting him to put himself away anymore. It's the way he spoke, how it was always in a questioning tone, like if he said it too firmly it'd be made fun of or taken too seriously.

"I...I wanna go to the West Coast of America one day." Jeongguk also speaks gently, looking down at his fizzy drink of sugar while stirring it around with a clear straw that held trapped droplets.

"So, like, California?" I ask, trying to push him into speaking more.

"Exactly." His eyes instantly brighten, eyebrows raising and mouth falling open into a wide smile. He leans his body forward, not caring that both of his elbows were on the table. It was exceptionally rude to do such a thing, especially in a restaurant like this one, but the bright smile on Jeongguk's face that could generate a thousand solar powered mansions made up for the improperness of his behavior.

"Why California?"

"Why not California?" Jeongguk throws back with a smug smile, "It just seems so...fake, the way people describe such a place, but I like fake things. I like secrets that hide the horrid truth, and I like lies that mask the reality right in front of your eyes, that blind you with magnificent stories of fun and power." Voices drag off into silence, lined faces setting in for a moment as eyes fall down and jaws clench with hands under tables, "Those kind of stories make the world go round..." he whispers, voice solemn and drenched with sorrow like no other, "so why not favor them?"

I intently stare at him, surprised by his statement that makes the gears in my brain turn, trying to rack up whatever makes him feel this way but ultimately failing once our food comes. Steam rises in large heaps, floating into the air and disappearing after only a few seconds of flame. My plate was large, being placed down with a loud clang while Jeongguk's was much smaller, served in a tiny dish. Honestly, I don't feel like he expected it to be that small by his current facial expression but nonetheless keeps his mouth shut and grabs his fork.

I grab my own knife and fork, beginning to cut through the large piece of meat. My fork lifts up, taking the piece of meat with it and inspecting the amount of grill time it received, pleased to see a small and faint line of pink running through the center and dripping sweet marinade of natural grease from fat and orange with lemon mixture. It made my stomach rumble, quickly putting the piece in my mouth and lightly rolling my eyes at the amazingly pleasant flavor that spreads throughout my mouth.

A sigh of content passes my lips that trap meat behind, "Jeongguk," I say as he shoves pasta into his mouth and looks up at me with innocent eyes, "I have no idea how you can't eat meat."

"Very carefully." he drones and puts more pasta into his mouth, somehow not getting the marinara whine sauce on his pale face.

"But like...don't you miss it?" I take another huge bite of the steak, praising Seokjin for recommending this place of magic.

Jeongguk shrugs, messing with the pasta that still remained on his small plate, "Sometimes, I think my body does crave it, but my taste buds don't remember the taste of meat, so it's kind of like desperately wanting something but not knowing what, you know?" He seriously explains.

I get that feeling.

"How can I know if I'm devouring the shit out of this stuff?" I say a bit too loudly, earning scolds from other couples that don't exactly appreciate the 'vulgar' language.

"You're embarrassing." Jeongguk's mumbles under his breath while eating more, the ends of his fork now covered in a bright red from the sauce that's throughout the pasta in a healthy and pleasing amount.

"You love it," I muse while cutting more food for me to happily devour, "plus, I'm sure that you have weird things you do too."

Jeongguk shakes his head and does his best to grab some of the rest of the pasta strands, "I don't do anything to be weird."

I raise my eyebrow, choosing to ignore the sadness in his comment for the greater of good. Something about Jeongguk is that he doesn't necessarily like when people point out his gloomy behavior, "Oh, I highly doubt it." I test, smirking slightly while sipping my tea.

"Honestly, there's nothing."

"Oh no, there's definitely something....or there was definitely something. C'mon, spit it out. I can see it in your eyes. You wanna say it but you can't." My voice rings throughout, doing all it can to push him over the edge. Of course there's a weird hobby Jeongguk's done or used to do, and his flushed cheeks only prove it. They're like a red flag against his complexion.

"I'm not telling you." He quickly says, taking large gulps of his drink while looking down and ducking his head.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell me."

"Not happening."

"Please?"

"No, Tae."

"I know you wanna."

"That doesn't mean that I'll say it."

"Just tell me." I loudly beg with anticipation, desperately wanting to know now.

Jeongguk stares at me with hesitant eyes before sitting up straighter and taking in a deep breath, letting his eyes close and mentally prepare himself for whatever's about to pass those rosy lips, "Iusedtoweargirlclothes."

"Huh?" I pause and let the words sit, "all I got was girl and clothes."

"Iusedtoweargirlclothes."

"You gotta say it a little slower." I tell Jeongguk, still not grasping the fast words that come pouring out of his mouth like a heavy waterfall.

"I. used. to. wear. girl. clothes."

I drop my fork at those words, and my eyes can tell that Jeongguk's heart drops as well. I really didn't mean to, but a loud clang still erupts from our shared corner, as fear erupts through Jeongguk's body. He becomes frozen, eyes widened and petrified, begging to not be hurt or humiliated, ultimately wanting to crawl out of his own skin at the moment. What a window his eyes really are...

"Okay." I finally speak, not against the whole idea of Jeongguk prancing around in a skirt, truthfully, it doesn't sound that bad.

"That's it?" Jeongguk whispers, awaiting for me to say something more, something awful.

"What else do you want me to say?"

"You're not...mad?" The look he gives me, it's like a thousand pounds have been lifted off of his small and petite shoulders that look like they'd be bony underneath the thin fabric of his white shirt.

"Of course not. Why would I be?" I reassuringly smile at him, making sure to use a light and tender timbre.

"I- don't know," Jeongguk averts his eyes from mine, grabbing onto his glass cup with both hands and holding it close to himself while drinking more from it. Brown eyes fix to the hard wood floors, wanting to be plucked out of the current event.

"Why'd you stop wearing them?" As of now, my mind was completely intrigued by the idea Jeongguk walking around in a feminine attire.

"Reasons." he mumbles, glancing up at me for only a moment, like begging for me not to push on.

"What did you used to wear?" I prop my elbow up onto the table, not caring about my manners either and resting my chin onto my cupped palm that was warm from holding the hefty knife.

"Mainly leggings and sweaters...sometimes venturing out into skirts, not often, though. I never liked dresses." The explanation was vague, not giving me much of a visual but I took it.

"So were you like...a drag queen?" I was a complete idiot when it came to things like these, never getting into dressing up into girl clothes, even though my wardrobe isn't very masculine to begin with. Neither is the green highlighted hair sitting on my head.

Jeongguk lets out a slight giggle, carefully placing his glass onto the royal blue table cloth, "No, not at all."

"Then what do you call it, people who dress up like you did?"

His shoulders bounce up and down, creating a lazy shrug of disinterest. Jeongguk looked nothing like he did while talking about California, "Just a fifteen year old boy who thought that girl clothes looked pretty."

Fifteen, meaning Jeongguk could've been out of the passion for a while. Deep down, you could tell that h wanted that part to resurface, although he did all his large mind and small body could do to push it down deeper and deeper, soon dropping off into the void labeled 'Things Forgotten'. Then, it got my mind wondering, how many other things did Jeongguk try to hide within his small exterior?

----

lmao i'm a vegetarian nd it was so weird to describe taehyung eating meat cus i don't even remember what it tastes like yikes

my plan since the beginning was to make jungkook a precious semi-cross dresser, not an 100% one tho sad times.

next chapter, get prepared