summary: surprisingly, you've already made a key discovery in your mission with bucky. things are starting to smooth out between the both of you, but you're getting cold feet, and it's been too long for bucky to know what he's feeling.

word count: 4.8k

warnings: experimenting mentioned in detail, as well as torture and violence. also reader drinks in this but not a lot.

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three months had passed.

three months of you stuck in a polish village with one of the only people in the world you didn't like. truth be told, it wasn't that bad. but you liked to lie. while you had been sleeping on the couch every night and plastering one of the fakest smiles you could manage onto your face by day.

the intel that you were given had yet to show itself. despite that, the people in the town were a bit odd. despite being only an hour away from warsaw, the town wasn't nearly as populated and didn't have nearly as many advancements as well.. any of the rest of the world did. that being said, you and bucky had to act as old fashioned as possible. it was a miracle you could still use your tv and phone.

one of the few good things about kazimierz dolny was the old woman that lived next door to you. she often brought you baked goods and an absurd amount of casseroles, and invited you over to crochet every weekend. it was a nice getaway from bucky, since the two of you argued over almost every little thing. the most calm times were meal times; the only time when you and bucky would have actual small talk.

the two of you were currently sitting together on a bench, watching for a man natasha gave the two of you intel on. you were surprised her and sam even stayed in poland for this long. just as you were on the brink of zoning out, bucky spoke up and pulled you from your thoughts. "huh?" you murmured, looking up at him. "if you would ever pay attention, you'd know i just told you our guy is right over there." he spoke, his voice a deep rumble in his chest. you furrowed your brows and frowned, looking in the direction he just gestured in.

across the lake was a man who, to the normal person, looked inconspicuous. though to the trained eye, it was quick to notice how the man was looking over his shoulder a bit too frequently. it was as if he was nervous someone was watching him. "sam," you murmured, pressing your face into bucky's shoulder to mask your speaking. "can you tag the guy about a click in front of us? i promise i'll thank redwing." you asked, pulling away from bucky.

while he wasn't showing it on his face, he was exceedingly upset. "do you have to be so touchy?" he grumbled, shifting uncomfortably. "do you have to whine all the time?" you retorted, watching redwing discreetly fly by and attach a tracker onto the man's jacket. "i wouldn't have to if you'd just get away from me." he growled, standing up abruptly. you sighed before thanking sam and redwing, following close behind bucky.

"well? what do we do now? we can't just follow him." you frowned, keeping a bit of a distance from the grumpy old war soldier in front of you. sam's voice filled your ear, and you could hear the sound of music and people. "just wait. let the tracker do its job– hey! wait for me!" he shouted, his comm line abruptly going quiet. natasha had backed out earlier, too. they were definitely partying.

"they're partying." you said, looking around at the scenery around you as your shoulders slumped. "must be nice." you murmured, prompting bucky to scoff and make a face at you. you could practically feel another argument about to happen. "why does it not surprise me that all you want to do is party?" he snarled, a certain glint in his eye that set you off. "excuse me?" you gasped, your eyes widening at his insult. "you heard me. that's exactly why they don't put you on any missions. i'd rather be here with, oh i don't know, sharon? she'd be much better company than you are right now." he spoke, his words dripping with venom. it wasn't a low blow, but he knew how to push the right buttons to get you upset. the reason you didn't like sharon was a reason that only natasha knew, and you'd like to keep it that way.

"you say that as if i don't hear you sneaking out to the bar every other night. how can you be at your best on a mission if you're drunk all the time?" you hissed, turning away from him and started walking a bit faster.

"repeat that?" he growled, matching his pace with yours. "you heard me. at least i'm trying to keep my mind on the job." you said, glancing at him for a moment. "you do realize the only reason you're still in the avengers is because tony took pity on you, right?" he snarled, his eyes burning holes into the side of my head. "i don't care what they think of me," you spoke, blatantly lying as you snapped at him, "at least they can trust me enough not to go rogue and become a mass murderer."

yeah, that was definitely a low blow on your end. when you looked up at him, you watched as his eyes widened with vulnerability before darkening. he said nothing and continued walking the path back to your temporary home, and you knew that whatever relationship you two might've built had just been diminished under the weight of your words. sighing, you ran your hands over your face before following a large distance behind him, hoping natasha and sam were having fun whatever they were doing.

dinner that night was..just you.you placed bucky's plate next to the bedroom door, since you didn't want him to starve. you spent the better part of the evening watching the tracker move around. nothing was happening, so you nearly fell asleep.. until the man started descending. at first, you chalked it down to him going into a basement. but then he kept going lower and lower. standing up from the couch, you peeked down the hall and looked towards the bedroom, seeing it still closed. the plate was still there with food on it as well.

you hadn't heard from natasha or sam since well before your argument with bucky earlier. so, you decided to investigate this yourself. was it a bad idea? maybe. did you care? yes, but not that much. stuffing some pillows under your blanket on the couch, you snuck out the back door clad in dark clothes and making your way towards the location. luckily, you were able to use your ice to move faster. the night was cold, and the sky was painted with stars that twinkled as you moved under them.

by the time you got to the location, it was nearing midnight. you were on the outskirts of the town, standing about a hundred feet from a cozy looking cabin. emphasis on looking. sneaking around to the back, you made sure to peek through the windows and make sure there wasn't some family or couple inside. if there was, you thought you'd die from the embarrassment. after checking thoroughly, you saw nothing, and picked the lock to the back door. the tracker said he was directly below you, so if there was a basement, he was there. if not, he was lower.

despite feeling confident upon leaving the house, you couldn't help but feel something was off. the cabin felt like someone lived here– not like it was rented out, but like someone's home. it felt like an invasion of privacy. you silently opened the basement door, carefully walking downstairs. peeking around the corner, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. it looked like a normal basement.. until you made it to the foot of the stairs.

under a blanket, a pool of blood was visible under what was shaped like a human body. inching towards it, you lightly pulled back the blanket to see who it was. unsurprisingly yet unfortunately, it was the man sam tagged with redwing. the only difference was that he wasn't wearing the jacket the tracker was on. tilting his head to the side, it was beyond easy to tell that he had been hit with something hard and heavy– blunt force trauma. but that didn't explain all of the blood.

"shit," you murmured, looking around and sighing. examining the body further, you found a stab wound in his chest as well as his side. that would explain the blood. there was definitely someone here, or they were here. "i have enough time," you whispered to yourself, putting the body back and looking around the basement. luckily for you, tony gave you a pair of his fancy glasses that give you x ray vision– or something close to it. downside? friday was in them.

putting them on, you smiled sheepishly as the ai's voice filled your ears. "you must be insane." she deadpanned, sounding very unamused. "just– scan the room for me? please?" you pleaded, moving towards a corner so she could get a good look. "you didn't kill that man, did you?" she asked while you watched holograms appear on the glasses. "it looks like there's some sort of elevator that descends what would be thirty floors underground." friday spoke, causing you to look down. it was honestly so trippy.

"should i go investigate?" you asked, chewing on your bottom lip. "does this look like scooby-doo to you? not only are you alone, but nobody knows where you are. you're lucky i haven't pinged your location to sam and natasha yet." she scolded, causing you to sigh and make your way back upstairs. just as you were about to start speaking, you heard someone trying to unlock the front door. "y/n, get out of there." friday warned. "i know, i know." you whispered, ducking behind the couch as the person walked inside. you put your hood on, thanking thor that the cabin had no lights. you peeked around the corner, seeing a man with brown hair. his back was turned towards you, and he didn't seem to notice you. he also clearly didn't know how to lock doors behind him, which you found out from friday's voice in your ear. "you have an opening. if you don't take it, i'll call bucky." she threatened, causing you to scowl and grumble quietly.

when the man went towards the basement, you made a run for it– well, ice for it? either way, you were out of there. "thanks, friday." you thanked, making it back to the back door to the house about an hour later. you felt grimy and tired, and the couch was looking less and less appealing to you as the days went on. just as you were sneaking back inside, you were met face to face with your housemate. "just where have you been? nevermind, don't answer that. you clearly have an inability to telling me where you're going in the middle of the night." he spat, glowering at you

"you were ignoring me!" you exclaimed, walking inside. "does that matter?! not only could you have gotten hurt, you could have gotten captured. is there a single cell in your brain that does critical thinking?!" he snapped, grabbing your arm and dragging you inside. "i got valuable information and nobody saw me, okay? i'm fine!" you groaned, pulling your arm from his grasp. he narrowed his eyes at you, watching as you took the glasses off. "friday, help me out here," you murmured, avoiding bucky glaring daggers at you. thankfully, friday projected a hologram of the cabin you were just in, along with the dead body and secret elevator. "see? i just gained a buttload of information." you huffed, crossing your arms as bucky examined the display. "is that the man we saw earlier?" he asked, his voice a deep rumble in his chest. it was a bit hoarse, and if you weren't so hellbent on hating him, you'd accept the fact that he was not only very built, but really hot.

"yeah. there was someone else there too, but i dont know if he murdered the guy or not. the last thing i saw before i left was him going down into the basement, so he definitely knew what was down there at least." you shrugged, sitting on the edge of the table. bucky glanced from you to the display, running a hand over his beard. his hair was growing out again, but with how strained your relationship was, or lack thereof, you didn't know if he'd let you cut it again.

"you did find valuable information," he began, looking at you as he took a step closer, "but you could've gotten hurt. what if you had been captured? we wouldn't have known where you were. the lower down that elevator goes, the less signal we could have. you nearly bit off more than you could chew." he spoke with a gruff, angry voice. he was too close for your liking, and you had to stop yourself from staring at his face. illuminated by the moonlight, you could see the small scars he had from when hydra still had him as the winter soldier. huffing, you looked away, chewing on the inside of your cheek. "i'm sorry." you mumbled, feeling more embarrassed than you'd like to admit. bucky smirked, leaning in. you could feel his breath fan against your cheek, causing blood to rush to your cheeks. "repeat that? did you, the most stubborn person to ever grace the planet, just say sorry? to me?" he grinned, looking into your eyes.

"you're pushing it. don't make me take it back, because i'll take it back." you said, glaring at him. gosh, he was so close. he must've realized how close he was as well since he quickly backed away, his face falling back to it's normal grumpy aspect. "pull that stunt again, and i'll get them to send you home." he warned, causing you to roll your eyes.

"you do realize they trust you as much as they trust me, right? the only reason they might have a bit more respect for you is because you get the gracious word of captain america to back you. not everybody gets that." you frowned, pushing past him to go shower. gosh, you really needed to apologize.

as you sat in the bath, your mind had wandered to where you were three months prior. you and bucky didn't even speak to each other. now, you were speaking with him on a daily basis, and had insulted him twice in one day. yikes. while you wished you could blame it on your sleeping arrangements, you knew that wouldn't cut it. you knew deep down that you and bucky were the same. that, in a perfect world, you two would be closer than maybe natasha and clint. maybe it was the fact that you two reminded yourselves of each other; the similarities causing deep rooted self loathing to come to the surface in forms of petty insultes and inappropriate arguments. while you know what you said to him earlier was true, to an extent, you didn't know if you meant it about him, or about yourself. and that's what really scared you.

not only had bucky been right, but he had a point. if you had gotten captured, they would have thrown you into the same loop that you were in just a few years ago. it would have been even worse if they found out bucky was with you– who knew if he would've gone back to being what he was. that was only the first thing he had been right about. what he said about tony earlier was true, too. tony stark was the one who fought relentlessly– aka, threatening to cut off funds– to get you in the compound. he had saved your life, and in turn, you had saved his. he chose to ignore the fact you nearly froze his arc reactor.

sighing, you sunk into the warm water of the tub, pouting to yourself. you needed to get your shit together, and fast. there was finally a break in the mission, and if you let your petty feelings keep boiling over and taking control of you, you'd get the boot. and you were scared it wouldn't just be off the mission.

you took your time getting out of the tub and getting ready for bed, or as you liked to call it: couch. when you were done, you stopped in front of the bedroom door, noticing the empty plate on the ground. you picked it up and raised your free hand, hovering it over the door as you debated knocking.slowly and gently, you quietly knocked on the wooden door, waiting and hoping for bucky to answer. you waited a couple of seconds and sighed when you heard nothing, deciding to just walk away. at least you tried.

just as you began making your way down the hallway, the bedroom door swung open. turning around, your gaze landed on bucky, who was also getting ready to go back to bed. "you knocked?" he asked, his voice clearly tired. this amplified your guilt by a hundred percent. "i uh," you paused, glancing at the ground for a moment, "i just wanted to talk to you for a second. not argue or anything." you said, shifting uncomfortably. this was hard.

"about?" he questioned, raising a brow. "can i just come in?" you asked, setting the plate on a hallway table. you'd grab it on your way out. it took a moment for bucky to answer, and you took this time to take in his features. his sleep tousled hair, which had grown back out to be below his collar, wasn't as messy as you thought it would be. he was wearing a tanktop, leaving the metal arm on display. you could see the scars on his shoulders, and while you didn't want to imagine it, you knew just how much that had to hurt. the brunet snapped you out of your thoughts by speaking up. "fine. just don't freeze me, or whatever you do." he grumbled, backing into the bedroom. "thank you," you murmured, following behind him.

the first few minutes were awkward. you sat on the edge of the bed with bucky next to you, not knowing how to start. "uh.." you paused, trying to force the words out. "i'm sorry," you said, looking everywhere but where he was. "for what i said. all of it. it was out of place." you sighed, finally mustering up enough courage to look at him. he was already looking dead at you, and god did it make you feel funny. it took a minute for him to reply, his voice uncharacteristically gentle. "it's fine. you were probably just projecting, anyway."

huffing, you looked at him and rolled your eyes. "it's true nonetheless. partially." he spoke, looking at the ground. "we can't trust each other, our comrades can't trust us, and we can't trust ourselves. that's what makes me so unsure of why they'd put us on this mission." bucky had a point. he seemed to have a lot of those lately. "maybe they're just looking for a way to get rid of us." you joked, your voice weak as you tore your gaze from him. his lips curled up in a slight smile at this, and you were growing cold just at the thought of being back in a hydra cell again. "steve wouldn't let that happen to you, though. you mean too much to him." you spoke, moving your hand to touch his, only to stop halfway. it wasn't that you were scared of touching his metal hand, you just didn't know if he wanted to be touched. he wore the fake wedding ring, despite the hand not ever being shown when the two of you were in public.

bucky looked up at you, his eyes meeting yours in a sort of understanding as he began speaking. "it was a long time without him. without anybody." you tilted your head, listening as he continued. "fifty years. fifty years of me killing people under their control. they would put me on ice in between– fry my brain every time i would start acting like me again." he spoke, his voice full of pain as he looked back at the floor. you put your hand on his, the cool metal settling against your warm skin. "it's okay," you murmured, scooting a bit closer to him. "they can't hurt you anymore. they won't hurt you anymore." you said, feeling him slowly relax. he seemed more vulnerable– more docile.

"what about you?" he asked, his voice a quiet murmur in the quiet of the night. "me?" you tilted your head, your brows furrowed slightly. "do.." he paused, his face scrunching up in thought, "what did they do to you?" he asked, his eyes meeting yours once more.

your mind felt like it had paused. any thoughts that were running through your head had stopped, sending you hurdling back into your time as hydra's mutant experiment. "they would..experiment on me. do tests to see how vulnerable i was, make me go through tests to see how strong i was. no matter what, i always ended up strapped to a metal table." you said, averting your gaze as you stared off into space. "since i'm a mutant, they wanted to see how much they could affect my mutated genes before i broke. my powers started out as me being able to make snowballs. i was only a kid, so i didn't know what to do. luckily, they mutated into something that i can use to help people." you murmured, feeling bucky's thumb run over the back of your hand. despite it being metal, it was soothing. this was a position you never thought you'd find yourself in with him.

"one time they tried to burn a chunk of my skin off. i ended up lowering my body temperature so low to the point i was under sub zero. i nearly killed myself and the scientists in the room with me." you said, blinking out of your zoned out state. bucky was looking at you with a frown, though his eyes held a hint of understanding. while you two hadn't gone through the same things, you were both victims of hydra's heinous crimes. "but you're free now." bucky said, his gaze darting across your face. "we're free now. except we still carry all the baggage." you mumbled, letting out an airy chuckle.

the room fell into a comfortable silence, and you found yourself leaning into bucky's side. you had to give it to him, the guy was built like a brick wall. despite that, he was warm and held a comforting air around him. part of you still wanted to hate him– but you really had no reason to. just as you found yourself dozing off, bucky nudged you with his shoulder. "do you want to sleep in the bed?" he asked, his voice low as to not disturb you too much. you made a small noise and reluctantly pulled away from him and his warmth before shaking your head. "no.. i'll be fine. i don't want to ice the room in my sleep and freeze you to death." you shrugged, standing up and yawning. "goodnight, bucky." you said, making your way towards the door to leave no room for argument. "goodnight, y/n." he called out, watching as you shut the door.

you would wake up in the bed the next morning, finding bucky sleeping on the floor near the door.

after that, the air between you and the ex-hydra assassin was lighter. you two still argued over small things, but after the discovery of the 'cabin in the woods'-- sam's words,-- everything had slowed down. they had slowed down enough for you to visit the old woman next door, mrs. lakota.

"ahh, y/n! you have finally come to visit me!" she exclaimed, ushering you inside. "where is your husband? has he left you at home alone again?" again? what was she talking about? "what do you mean again, mrs. lakota?" you nervously laughed, sitting down in one of the armchairs in the living room. "you two always leave the house at separate times and always look so angry with each other! and don't think i don't see you sleeping on the couch, young lady." she pointed at you, waving a finger in your face. she had seen all of that?

"we're not angry all the time, we just.. agree to disagree. and we're fine. i just don't like the way the mattress feels." you lied. no, you were scared that if you did manage to get close enough with him to start sleeping in the same bed that you would freeze him to death. you didn't want him to get any closer than you two were on track to becoming.

"i know a lie when i see one, ukochany. but keep lying to yourself and see where it gets you." she sighed, waving you off. you watched and listened as she bumbled about the kitchen, grabbing things and mixing up a concoction of drinks. of course she was a day drinker.

while mrs. lakota was feeding you borderline illegal amounts of alcohol, bucky was trying to think of what hydra could possibly want in poland. a base underneath a town or a city was a stunt they would pull in america, not in europe. to top it off, hydra hadn't been active for the past two years. either they had been sent on a wild goose chase, or someone was trying to revive hydra. despite how much he wanted to go investigate, he knew he couldn't make the same mistake you did the night prior. by this point, you had been gone for hours, and hadn't even checked in with him. freshening up, bucky decided to head over to the neighbors house and see just what was keeping you so long.

he wished he hadn't stepped out of the house.

as soon as the old woman opened the door, he found you curled up in an arm chair. your pupils were dilated, and he didn't think he'd ever heard you giggle this much. it made something flutter in his chest that he didn't want to acknowledge. just as he was about to scoop you up and carry you home to scold you, the old woman he felt was the devil incarnate spotted him from the connected kitchen. "so you finally decided to tell your husband to say hi?!" she exclaimed, waddling over to him. awkwardly, he flashed her a smile, grabbing onto your hand. he thanked the gods above that it was cold enough for him to wear gloves. "i just stopped by to bring her back home.. we have an early morning tomorrow, and she doesn't do good with anymore than one drink." he spoke. bad move on his end, since you found that statement to be particularly offensive as he helped you to your feet. "hey!"

"hay is for horses," he murmured, effectively shutting you up as he directed his attention back to the judgy old woman in front of him. "you better not be breaking her heart, mister mysterious. i want you two over for dinner to make sure she didn't choose the wrong man!"

"dinner?" he repeated, his eyebrows raising. "yes, dinner! whenever you two can fit this lonely old woman into your supposedly busy schedules." she huffed, waddling back into the kitchen. he grunted and looked down, feeling your cheek press into his sweater. he could feel your body temperature dropping as you fell asleep. "we'll be seeing you, mrs. lakota. thank you for taking care of her." he sighed, watching the old woman down a glass of alcohol as he backed out of the door.

he carried you back into the house, taking your shoes off before bringing you to the bedroom. he laid you down, unsure of whether or not he should offer to grab you some pajamas. deciding on not wanting to invade your privacy, bucky covered you up and went to walk away when you grabbed his hand. his flesh hand. your skin was cool to the touch, a stark contrast against his warm and ever so slightly clammy skin.

"stay," you murmured, tugging him back towards the bed, "you're warm. like a bear in the winter." your voice was soft, your eyes peeking open at him as he stood over you. sighing, he relented and let go to change into a shirt and sweatpants before climbing into bed next to you. that was the first since regaining his past memories, he slept soundlessly.