Ugh I'm so unmotivated. This is slowly turning into the shittiest fic I've ever written. I mean, as long as you enjoy it though, I'll still continue it, but Jesus Christ I don't know what I'm doing.

Y/n

Namjoon sets a bowl of cereal on the counter in front of you and inches it forward slowly, urging you to take it.

"Y/n, you should eat. You've got a long plane ride ahead of you today."

You ignore him, currently occupied watching Jimin with a death stare meant to catch his attention. He knows you're glaring at him. You know he knows. But he pretends he doesn't, eyes focused on his phone that has nothing on it.

"Y/n-"

"Him first," you mutter. Jimin risks a glance at you but looks away immediately, taken aback by your expression.

Namjoon stares at the two of you, probably wondering whether or not he should say something else. You slide your bowl toward Jimin, then fold your arms and watch. Please eat something.

Jimin lays his head on the counter without sparing one glance at the bowl. Namjoon sighs. One long moment passes. Nobody speaks.

You get up and leave.

You try to hide the tears rising to your eyes as you walk away, but your voice quivers as you say, "I'm not going to eat if you won't, Jimin."

You're tired of waiting for him to be okay again.

Before you reach the guest room at the end of the hall, you hear Jimin's footsteps patter on the floor as he rushes to you. He places a hand on your shoulder to turn you around, but you shove him away and open the door to head inside.

"Y/n please."

"Leave me alone," you say. "Unless you've decided to eat something."

"Don't starve yourself because of me."

You whirl around to fix him with a glare. "You're not making this any easier, Jimin," you say, nose twitching. You sniffle. "Not unless you let me help you."

"Y/n-"

"I'm going back to sleep." You walk into the guest room and try to push the door shut, but Jimin catches it before you can close and lock it and squeezes himself inside.

"Jimin-"

"Let's make a deal."

"I won't eat if you won't. That's the deal."

"Can you see how that's unfair?"

"Hurting yourself and then not letting me help you is unfair."

"I can't undo all of my habits in a day, Y/n, I can't... I can't just make myself eat and get better as if nothing happened."

"Not even for me?"

Jimin leans against the door and folds his arms. "That's not fair either."

"And what about this do you suppose is fair?"

Jimin fixes his gaze on the floor. He doesn't have an answer.

"Jimin-"

"Y/n, stop."

You purse your lips and turn around. "I'm going back to bed."

"Y/n, please." Jimin's voice is hoarse and shaky. "I can't help myself."

"I can't help you either, if you don't want me to."

"I do, I want- I don't know how to- please."

You look back at Jimin, who is holding back tears of his own. You don't want him to cry. You want him to get better.

You're tired of waiting for him to be okay again. But that's not your choice to make.

"What did..." you mumble. "What deal did you have in mind?"

Jimin lifts his red-rimmed gaze to yours and takes a shaky breath.

"I can't..." he murmurs, shivering. "I can't go back to normal," he says. "Not in a day." He sinks to the floor and places his head in his hands. "I don't want to eat. I feel... it doesn't feel... good. But... for you... I will try. But I can't- not a lot. I need... limits. On how much I have to..."

"One meal a day," you say, understanding.

You're tired of waiting for him to be okay again. But you need to learn patience.

Jimin looks at you. "One..."

"That's the limit," you say. "The lower limit anyway." You kneel on the ground next to him. "We can adjust it later."

Jimin stares at the floor, contemplating.

"There's more," he says. "To the deal."

"Go on."

"If I meet that goal every day- one meal-"

"At least one meal."

"Right. If I meet it every day," Jimin looks at you. "And I can't eat any more... you can't get mad at me for it. Or starve yourself to be petty."

You glare at him. "You think I was doing it to be petty?"

"I think you can be petty," Jimin says carefully. "I mean... I would do the same thing, if the roles were reversed."

"If the roles were reversed we wouldn't be arguing."

"You'd tell me everything on your mind even if it hurt me?"

Well no. "Yes. Because you're the only person I could bare to tell anything to."

Jimin folds his arms and mirrors your glare. "Do you not see how massively hypocritical that is?"

"Excuse me?"

"If I was the only one you could trust with your issues, I'd know what happened to you while I was in a coma. But I don't know, and I'm not the only one you trust, because Namjoon knows."

Are you kidding me?

"Are you serious? That was one time!"

"And yet somehow he still knows plenty more than I do! It couldn't have been just one time because he still knows everything!"

"Because he was there, Jimin!"

"And you think I wouldn't be if I had a choice!?"

"You did! You did have a choice and you chose to go back to Sharon's house! That was your fault!"

Jimin flinches, taken completely aback by your accusation. You didn't mean it like that, but if he can say hurtful words, so can you.

"We both agreed that neither of us were to blame for that night," Jimin says. "I thought we were past that."

"Clearly we aren't, because you keep wanting to go back to the past. This isn't about what happened before, Jimin, it's about what's happening now."

"Maybe I don't want to tell you what's going on because you don't want to tell me what happened!"

"Oh so now it's my fault. Am I still the petty one?"

"I'm not being petty, Y/n, I'm worried about you."

"I'm worried about you!"

Jimin suddenly begins to laugh, and it catches you so off guard that your glare disappears and you can't remember what you were going to say.

"What the fuck is so funny?"

Jimin leans his head back against the door and stares at the ceiling. "How did we get here?"

"I-"

"You know how dumb we sound?" Jimin asks. "We're both trying too hard to be selfless that we can't seem to agree on anything anymore."

"Then let's find something to agree on," you say matter-of-factly. "One meal a day. Minimum."

"Fine. You can't starve yourself for me."

"Fine. You're not allowed to throw up."

"Fine. You can't ask me to tell you why I do it."

"That's not fair."

"It's perfectly fair."

"Fine. You can't ask me about the ten months anymore." 

Jimin looks into your eyes, head still against the door, so he's looking down his nose at you.

"Are you serious-"

"And if you can't meet the requirements, then I'll... I'll-"

"Tie me to the bed."

"Don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Don't say that and look at me like that."

The corners of Jimin's lips turn up into a smirk, and he leans forward and looks at you so intensely you're not sure you can speak- or even think.

"Is now really the time for that?" He asks, his voice low.

"You're the one who just asked me to tie you up."

"Maybe that's a good idea." Jimin reaches forward and tucks your hair behind your ear, eyes tracing the features of your face. "We can hash it out that way."

"Are you saying we won't just be arguing?"

"I'm saying there's a better way to do it." He kisses your jaw, hands slipping around your waist.

"Is this one of your mood swings or are you doing this because you want something from me?"

"Ouch." Jimin backs away, shaking his head. You tangle your hands in his hair to keep him close.

"I don't want to do this with you until we're done arguing."

"Then you might have to tie me to the bed," Jimin says. "Because I really want to kiss you."

"Am I discovering another kink of yours?"

"Another? When did you discover any others?"

You tighten your fingers around a fistful of Jimin's hair. "Do you really think I haven't noticed?"

"Do it," he says. "See what happens."

You pull Jimin's hair back, unable to back down from his challenge, and after letting out a loud gasp, he throws himself onto you and tackles you to the ground. Propped up on one arm, he moves your chin aside and bites down on your neck. You gasp, shocked that he could be so rough with you, only for him to begin kissing and licking the bite mark so gently you can hardly feel it.

You didn't think you were into biting. Good to know.

You pull Jimin's hair again, to pull him away from you, but he growls, "hold still," his fingers gripping your jaw tightly, his lips plush against your neck.

"Jimin, listen to me-"

"I warned you."

You push him away reluctantly, your neck starting to feel sore- probably bruising. "We're not done yet."

"Damn right we're not done," Jimin says. He's never been this aggressive with you. "I'm not finished with you."

"One meal a day," you say firmly, roughly pushing him off of you. "And you're not allowed to throw up anymore. Do we have a deal?"

Jimin folds his arms, staring intently at your neck. "Deal," he says. "C'mere, let's seal it." He moves forward to kiss you again but you hold him back.

"Jimin," you murmur. "Stop. I think... I think you're avoiding your feelings."

Jimin backs away and leans against the side of the bed, eyes closed. For a moment, you watch him. The rise and fall of his chest. The way his throat moves when he swallows. The way his hair falls over his eyes when he lets it.

"I'm sorry," he says after a while. "I don't... I don't know what else to do."

You get it. You used to avoid your feelings similarly. Just... not lustfully.

He won't ever find out about that though.

"Come on." You get up and hold you hand out for him. "Let's get some food into you."

Jimin grimaces. "Please," he mumbles. "Not... I can't..."

"We made a deal Chim. One meal a day."

"Then can I please have it later?"

"We've got a long plane ride ahead of us. Airport food is expensive."

Jimin stares at the floor. You kneel to the ground in front of him and hold his hands. "It doesn't have to be a lot," you murmur. "We can spread it out throughout the day. Does that sound okay?"

Jimin meets your gaze. "It... It does sound better," he whispers, though he doesn't quite sound convinced.

"Then let's go," you say. "And if you start to feel horrible about it, you can stop and we can find something else to do before we leave."

Jimin nods. "Okay," he says. "Okay. I'm... I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I understand."

Jimin purses his lips, then gets up, and the two of you leave the room together.

April 9

I can't stop thinking. It's tearing my mind to pieces. I want to go to sleep, to get away from my thoughts, but I can't. I can't sleep. I need a release. I have an idea, but I'm afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid because it's not something I can erase.

This journal is supposed to be helping me. All it's doing is keeping memories I'd rather not keep. My therapist says that it'll help me in the future, when I can read my old entries and see the progress I've made, but there isn't any progress. It's only getting worse.

I want to try it... I think I'm going to try it.

Oh god, I can't stop.

I'm making a mess of my journal. I'm putting it away for now.

I realized that I can write whatever I want however I want to so if this is the shittiest fic ever then I don't care I still enjoy it. Also this is Wattpad who the fuck comes here if they're looking for the good stuff?

I don't want to write the whole plane ride so we're skipping ahead of that in the next chapter.

Anyway have a good day/night!<3

-L