Helloooo

I know there have been problems with the notifications for a while so make sure you guys check in case there's stuff you missed :)

"Do you think he's doing okay? It's taking forever, do you think they ran into problems? What if something went wrong?"

"Calm down Y/n." Namjoon pats your shoulder. "He's okay. Maybe it's taking a while because he's got lots of stitches to remove."

That would make sense. Lots of wounds = lots of stitches.

Minji and Taehyung sit on your other side, deep in conversation.

You continue to chew on your lower lip, leg bouncing up and down, fingers fidgeting in your lap.

The door you are waiting outside of opens, and Dr. In pokes his head out. You lean forward eagerly, ready for any kind of news he has to give you.

Instead of talking, he points at Taehyung and gestures him over. Taehyung stands up and walks to the door, then slips inside.

The door closes again.

"Did-did something go wrong?" You ask, voice quieter now.

Namjoon looks just as confused as you are. He leans forward to look at Minji, who shrugs, also confused. They exchange a few words.

"We're not sure what's up," Namjoon says to you. You chew your lip harder and stare at the door with burning eyes. What if something bad happened? What if Jimin's not okay? What if the doctor found something else wrong with him and he won't be able to leave for a while?

Your anxiety spikes again when after a few minutes, the door opens once again. Dr. In props it open and moves out of the door, then says something in Korean.

"We can go in," Namjoon says, getting up. You stand up quickly and hurry inside the room the doctor just left. Taehyung and Jimin are talking in hushed voices and stop when you and the others enter the room.

"Y/n!" Jimin smiles when he sees you. "I'm all better now!" He reaches for your hand and holds it tightly when you grab it. You put your cheek against the side of his shoulder, not sure what to say.

He's fine. What were you even worrying about? I'm getting clingier and clingier every day. You scrunch your nose. You need to not be clingy. Nobody likes clingy people.

"We have to wait here for a bit while Dr. In gets some stuff," Jimin says.

"What kind of stuff?"

"Just medicine. Normal stuff."

"Okay." You purse your lips when you realize that you haven't seen Jimin take medicine once since he got discharged. "Did you get medicine the last time we left here?" You ask. You're sure he's supposed to have something. With the fever he had, and the condition of his entire back... what kind of medicine wouldn't he have?

Maybe he has been taking medicine, and you just haven't been there to see it.

"No," Jimin says.

Guess not.

"Really?" You frown, but Jimin can't tell because you're wearing a mask. "No medicine? After all of that?"

Jimin shrugs and leans his head forward to bump your foreheads together lightly.

You can't see his smile, but his eyes squish together when he looks at you, so you know he is smiling at you. You smile back, and warmth pools in your chest that feels like honey, sweetening your mood at least a little.

You and everyone else wait in the room as patiently as you can for about an hour. With the hospital being full of coronavirus patients, you're sure Dr. In is busy with other things. Hospitals are some of the most dangerous places in the world at the moment. It's very lucky that Jimin managed to stay here for ten months and didn't catch the virus.

Your stress and anxiety would blow through the roof if he did.

All of the time waiting is spent with little conversation, and something just feels off to you. Something is wrong. You just don't know what.

You and Jimin sit on the hospital bed, Taehyung sits in a chair by the desk, and Namjoon and Minji take the seats next to the door.

You wouldn't mind talking, but it's eerily silent other than the few words exchanged here and there, none that you can understand. Your arm is wrapped around Jimin's back, hand reaching around his waist on the other side. Jimin plays with your fingers on your other hand in his lap.

Taehyung spins slowly in his desk chair. Namjoon leans against the wall comfortably, legs stretched out in front of him. Minji taps her foot. Her elbows are on the arm rests of her seat and her hands are clasped together in her lap.

Jimin kicks your foot with his.

You look at him with narrowed eyes and kick him back. He looks back at you, mischief gleaming in the half of his expression that you can see, and kicks you once again.

It becomes a battle of who can have the last kick before someone interrupts or Dr. In walks in.

Well, Dr. In doesn't come back, but Minji gasps and says something. Namjoon perks his head up and says something too, then Taehyung says something. Jimin sinks his shoulders in and laughs abashedly.

You purse your lips and glance at Namjoon, who catches your eye and then translates for you.

"Minji was just saying how Jimin's birthday passed and we didn't get to do anything about it."

He's right.

Well actually, you wished him a happy birthday and spent every second of your time loving him, but you didn't have anything to give him. You did promise you'd do something after he got discharged though. You just have to decide what that is.

You look back at Jimin. "We can do something special when we get back to Seoul, maybe," you say.

You blink when the realize something you didn't think about before. "Jimin you're nineteen."

Jimin blinks.

"I'm what now?" He asks. He looks at the floor. "I swear I wasn't even eighteen."

"Hey that means you're almost at the legal drinking age," Namjoon says.

"Wait, you guys can drink at nineteen?"

Jimin shakes his head. "More specifically, I can start drinking on January first of the year I turn twenty," he says. "I have to wait like, three months."

"Close enough," Namjoon says. "Pretty sure no one would notice if you started now though."

"My dad was an alcoholic," Jimin mutters, squeezing your hand. You rub your other hand on his waist and put your chin on his shoulder to look up at him.

"Mine too," you say. "Twinsies! Well- sort of. My dad didn't... never mind." Blushing, you turn your head and rest the side of it on Jimin's shoulder instead. He laughs a little and kisses the top of your head through his mask.

After Namjoon translates the conversation- or most of it anyway- the room falls still and silent again. Awkward. Jimin rests his head over yours and rubs his thumbs back and forth over the back of your hand.

Your other hand absentmindedly traces Jimin's back delicately, feeling the rough scars through the thin material of his shirt. Without the stitches, they don't feel quite as big and scary. They just feel like tiny ridges and bumps.

There are lots of them though, still sensitive since they are recent. If he didn't have to go back home to his parents, he wouldn't have these. He would have the healed scars from last year instead.

You wait mostly in silence for about another hour before the door finally opens and Dr. In enters the room holding a clipboard and a paper bag. He walks to the desk, sets down the clipboard, and opens the bag, then pulls three different medications out.

He shows Jimin each one and tells him what they are and how to use them, showing them to Taehyung as well and then putting them back in the paper bag. When he's done, he hands the bag directly to Taehyung and says something else, then comes back to Jimin to say a few other words.

After that, he opens the door and gestures outside. You lift your head off of Jimin's shoulder and hop off of the hospital bed. Jimin follows you. After everyone exits the room, Dr. In shuts the door and leads you all back to the front entrance, and you leave the hospital.

•••

When you make it back to the house, the first thing you want to do when you get inside is find something to do with Jimin, but Taehyung whisks him away first. So you sit with Namjoon on the couch instead.

Namjoon has such long legs that if he stretched across the couch, head against one of the arm rests, he wouldn't fit. It's not a particularly long couch though. He would probably fit on the one at your house.

He's so tall though. For the year that you talked to him over the phone only, you could never have guessed he'd be like, six feet tall.

"We haven't talked much since we got here," Namjoon says. "Even after you left the hospital a few days ago. How are you doing?"

You smile at him. "I'm doing okay. I'm more worried about Jimin though."

"How so?"

"He's so skinny. That wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that he's been over his fever for like, a week. He has the chance to gain weight now but it seems like he's only getting skinnier."

Namjoon nods thoughtfully and crosses one leg over the other. "Have you asked him about it?"

"Not really. You've seen him eat. His diet isn't much better than it was two weeks ago, but he should be getting at least a little better by now." You bite your lip. You didn't say any of this out loud before, but now that you're spilling it all to Namjoon, you realize how much it worries you.

For three weeks. Three whole weeks. He has had little to no food. There was that one time when Namjoon brought McDonald's to the hospital. He seemed hungry then- even though he only finished like half of his meal- but after that, his diet has been unhealthily scarce.

"Maybe we should get him to eat more then," Namjoon says. "We don't want to pressure him but if we can get him to put more on his plate, it'll be helpful. Sometimes people just need to be pushed a little. Maybe he doesn't even realize it, too- remember, he's used to the smaller diet. Making a change is hard and he probably doesn't even notice."

Well yeah, but I've told him. You've mentioned it a lot, and his response has always been, "I'm just not hungry," or, "it makes me feel sick."

"He says he feels sick if he eats too much, but he doesn't have a fever anymore."

"Then we'll start small. We'll slowly build up on the amount of food he eats- maybe even try to do that without him noticing." Namjoon rubs his knee and frowns in thought. "I don't know how we'll do that but we can talk to Bongcha about it and she can help us plan meals around him."

You nod. "Okay." It sounds like a pretty good plan. Namjoon always seems to know what to do, even when he's just as clueless as you. "I think we should do that then." You bring your knees up to your chest and hug them.

"Anyway, how are you doing?" You ask.

"I'm good too. I like being away from home for a little bit. It's nice to get away from my job and relax."

"We've been here for about three weeks. Your job just lets you be gone that long?"

"Well... I'm able to do a lot of it online. I write stuff. Yoongi and I do a lot of it together. When we can, of course. He has to be in Daegu for most of the time."

You nod. "You write stuff? What kind of stuff?" You realize by now that for as long as you've known Namjoon, you've never really asked about his job. He doesn't talk about it much either.

Namjoon turns a little pink. "Oh not much," he says. "It's just, um... a thing. It-it pays well so far. That plus the leftover money from my old job pays rent for me. I do other things too though sometimes just for extra money."

You nod. That seems about right. You kind of wanna know what he writes, but he seems too shy to tell you.

"Anyway." Namjoon sighs and leans into the couch. "You know," he says, giving you a small smile, "it's really nice seeing you happy."

You raise your eyebrows.

"I haven't seen you like this before," he explains. "Joyful. It really puts things in perspective. It's easier to tell now how much you missed him."

You set your chin on top of one of your knees. "I did- a lot," you say, quieter now. "I depend on him for so much."

"I bet he feels flattered."

"I... I haven't told him."

Namjoon turns his head toward you and raises his eyebrows. "You haven't told him about..."

"All of this year."

Namjoon's perks his head up and looks at you, confused."Why haven't you?" He asks.

"I just... I didn't... I'm nervous about telling him." You bite your lip and frown at the couch. "We knew each other for four months. Four. And somehow, that was enough to make me shut down completely when he couldn't be there anymore."

"Lots of people fall in love quickly like that. Sometimes it takes years, sometimes it takes a minute. The amount of time you spent together doesn't matter."

"It just feels like it shouldn't have affected me that much because it was only four months. And I'm scared to tell him what I did and what I went through because there's just... there's so much, and..." you sigh. "I... don't want him to think I'm weak."

"So you just... haven't told him anything?"

"Well, I tried. A little bit. I managed to tell him about what happened right after it happened. When I first called you and Taehyung. When I visited him a bunch before he got flown out. You know. That stuff. But I couldn't tell him any more than that."

Namjoon nods. "That's okay. Baby steps. Talk to him whenever you feel comfortable. You should talk to him again today or tomorrow about it. Even if it's just something small. It'll make it easier."

"I... can try."

"What about what happened with the mirror? You can start by telling him about that."

"Woah woah woah no that was way too big. I'll have to start with something smaller."

"The mirror thing was too big? You just broke a mirror, that's all."

"Yes, but then I'd have to go into detail."

"What details would you need?"

"Well I'd have to tell him why I broke the mirror."

"Why did you break the mirror? I thought you just... acted out suddenly for no reason."

"Not no reason. I did act out, which never happened before that, but... it was because..."

"...Because of what?"

"Because of all the hatred... I had... for my reflection..." you mumble it out, like you're sharing an embarrassing secret with a friend. "The-the self loathing."

"Self loathing?" Namjoon asks, eyebrows furrowing. He glances at something behind you. "You never told me about that part. Why would you hate yourself?"

"I thought I did tell you."

"Um... nope. I never heard about that. Why did you hate yourself?"

"Well, be-because of the- all the... everything else I went through. Because I didn't... do anything, I-"

"Right, you didn't take care of yourself."

"Yeah..." you mumble. "And... that messed me up."

Namjoon nods and glances behind you again. You furrow your eyebrows. Why does he keep doing that?

"Do you still hate yourself?"

You think about the question. Do you still hate yourself?

You come up with only a shrug. "No, I think." You sniffle. "But I did then. That's why I broke the mirror. I... I don't wanna talk about it anymore. Sorry for making you my therapist. I'm sure you get tired of this. Anyway, I- why do you keep looking..."

With yet another look behind you, Namjoon raises his eyebrows. "What?"

You turn your head.

Jimin is standing behind the couch.

Are you serious? How long has he been here?

He wraps his arms over your shoulders and rests his chin on the back of the couch next to your head.

"I- Chim," you stutter. "Did... did you hear... all of that?"

He nods, avoiding your eyes. A little worm of negative feelings begins to squirm around in your stomach.

He isn't smiling. He isn't looking at you. He doesn't say anything.

The worm of negative feelings grows in size.

You watch nervously as Jimin swallows and closes his eyes, arms tightening around you.

Namjoon makes a move to get off of the couch. He knew Jimin was there while you were talking. You're not sure if you should be upset by that or not. He was only trying to help you open up.

"I-I can leave you two alone-"

"No," Jimin says. His voice is quiet. He sounds upset. Is he mad at you? You so easily told Namjoon what you've been struggling to tell Jimin for weeks. He has a right to be mad.

Namjoon relaxes into the couch again awkwardly, and looks around the room for some way to escape.

Jimin doesn't want to be alone with you. You purse your lips. The worm in your stomach eats your insides relentlessly, leaving no room for positivity in this situation.

You just spilled something Jimin has been trying to get out of you for weeks, and he just watched you say it out loud to Namjoon. And even worse, the only reason you said any of it was because you thought he wasn't there to listen.

There's no way he isn't upset.

"Tell me more," Jimin says quietly.

He must be upset. Maybe. You can't tell. Hopefully not. You can't take your eyes off of him. You examine his face for any sign of anger, but you come up with nothing. His eyes are still closed and you can't read his expression because there isn't one.

You chew the inside of your cheek, not sure what to say.

Jimin turns his head and kisses your cheek. "Go on," he says. "I'm listening."

That's the problem.

"I..."

"Just pretend I'm not here. Since that seems to work for you. Just talk to Namjoon."

He's upset.

Maybe... maybe you can find it in you to say more. You're already this far. He knows about the mirror incident. Now... the only other big bad thing that happened was Gavin. And then the way you treated your family. And how you used to pass out randomly, skip classes, starve yourself...

You can't say any of it. All you can think about is how Jimin is acting. He's mad at you. He's gotta be. What else would he be upset about? You opened up for one of his friends instead of him.

Jimin sighs and hides his face in the back of the couch.

"Y/n, why can't you just trust me?" He asks, muffled.

You swallow. "It's not that I don't trust you, it's-"

"Yes it is. There's no other reason that you can't tell me. You don't trust me."

"I do trust you," you say. "But I... I'm... afraid."

"Of what? You think I'll judge you? Is that it? Because I promise you there isn't anything that can make me think less of you. Especially since you've seen me at my worst."

Not quite. His worst was right before he met you.

"It's not... it's not that."

Namjoon gets up. "I'm-I'm just gonna go..."

"No!" Jimin says. "Sit back down. You don't have to leave." He looks back at you. "If it's not lack of trust, and if you're not afraid that I'll judge you, then what the heck are you afraid of? I don't understand."

"You don't have to understand. Just be patient with me."

"I'm trying to. I really am. But I don't like how it feels when you can talk to my friend about it but not me." He stands up straight and runs his fingers through his hair. "What is so different?"

"I- he was there."

"And you think that I wouldn't be if I had a choice?"

"You did have a choice."

"I thought we agreed that that's in the past now."

"Can I please just-"

You and Jimin look at Namjoon at the same time.

"No."

"Why are you getting so mad about this?"

"I'm not mad," Jimin says defensively. "I'm just... you know what, yeah. I'm a little mad. That doesn't matter. Why can't you tell me anything?"

"I-I'm working on it. There's so much to explain."

"You don't have to tell me all of it, but you gotta give me something to work with here. I'm gonna go crazy not knowing."

"I'm trying."

"No you're not. Just- tell me something."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I don't care anymore. Why can't you tell me?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do."

"Clearly I don't."

"You just don't want to say it out loud."

"That's not the reason!"

"Then say it!"

"I'm afraid to tell you things because I'm terrified of being vulnerable again!"

Silence.

Namjoon sits absolutely still on the couch, afraid to move or make a noise. He probably feels very awkward.

Jimin places his hands on the back of the couch and leans into them. "Go on," He says, softly now.

"Everyone I ever got close to ended up leaving me whether they wanted to or not," you say. "You were no different." You hug your knees to your chest. "I don't want to let you in because I'm afraid that something bad will happen again."

Jimin's eyes soften. "Y/n," he murmurs. "Nothing will happen to me. I'm okay now. And you will be too."

"That doesn't change how I think, Jimin. You have no idea how bad I got after you left."

"Because you won't tell me. Just..." Jimin leans down to your level to look you directly in the eyes. "If you're gonna get better..." he says. "If you want me to help you... you're gonna have to be vulnerable again."

"I know."

"So please. Just talk to me about it."

"I don't want to."

"How am I supposed to help you then?"

"I don't want your help."

"You don't... you don't want anything to change? You don't want me to know about that whole year."

"No."

Jimin stands up straight again and folds his arms. "If you want to be vulnera-"

"I don't want to be vulnerable with you."

The words slip out of your mouth before you could check them.

But they're true.

You don't want to fall so deeply in love with him again that you can't be complete without him. You don't want to shut down again if something happens to him. You don't want to get so attached that you become nothing without him. You feel useless.

Jimin opens his mouth, then closes it.

And then he turns around and walks away.

You bury your head in your arms and cry.

•••

April 8

I thought writing in this journal yesterday was going to help me but it didn't. I didn't finish writing because of a panic attack. I'm trying not to fall back into old habits but I got the bin down last night and I've been wearing Jimin's hoodie since then and I don't ever want to take it off. If I try really hard to remember, I can still smell his cologne in the collar.

Which is delusional, because it doesn't smell like him anymore.

Namjoon says Minji went on a vacation and can't check on Jimin for a week. He probably won't wake up anyway. I'm losing hope that he ever will, and it's terrifying. What if his parents pull the plug on him? That is something they would definitely do. It's up to them whether or not they let that machine breathe for him and I know what they've been doing to him behind closed doors for years. It's a miracle they haven't let him die yet.

Maybe his little brother won't let them. I hope he keeps fighting for that. Whether or not Jimin ever wakes up again doesn't matter to me as long as he's not dead. Not that I don't want him to wake up. God I really want him to wake up. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if he never wakes up.

... I'm thinking hopeless thoughts again. I'm gonna go talk to Lily. I don't want to fall down this hole again.

Have a good day/night!<3

-L