Dopamine

December

"Hey, Jack."

I looked up at my older brother from the floor of the barn where I played with miniature tractors and pick-up trucks in the hay. I blinked in the evening sunlight that poured through the open door.

"Hi Jess," I said softly, watching the way the hay fell from the scoop of one machine into the bed of the other.

"Dad's home. Been drinking again."

I stopped in mid-motion, my head jerking around to look out at the driveway.

"Is it scatter time?" I asked, trying to steady my voice.

"Yeah, bud. We gotta skedaddle."

We both climbed the ladder to the loft above, hurrying to hide ourselves among the rafters and machinery.

I remember struggling to regulate my breathing, trying to be as silent as possible. Jessie put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close.

"It's okay, bud. It'll pass soon."

I nodded, my eyes darting from side to side, scanning the barn for danger. They finally rested on the long rope that dangled from the highest rafter and coiled up in a pile on the loft floor like a cobra poised to strike. 

"But what about her?" I whispered.

"Who, Mom?"

"Yeah. Who's gonna protect her?"

****

"You okay, Chaplin?"

I snap out of the memory. "Yeah, yeah." I take the rope in my hands and tug on it to make sure it's still secure. Peyton studies my face, trying to interpret what she sees there.

I clear my throat. "So, a few things to keep in mind. Don't leave a lot of slack because if you do, it'll jolt you when the rope catches. What we need is a nice swinging motion. So, you wanna grab the knot that's second from the bottom, get the rope good and taut. That will create more of a pendulum, so the ride'll be smoother."

She hesitates, looking down.

"This is higher than I imagined," she says, biting her bottom lip. She's swaying side to side like she's nervous.

"You sure you wanna do this?" I raise my eyebrows. "Not too late to change your mind."

She takes a deep breath and nods. "Yeah, I need to do this," she says, "to redeem myself."

"Okay, how about I go back down there...in case I need to break your fall."

Her eyes grow wide. "That doesn't sound ominous at all," she snarks.

I climb back down the ladder and walk to the middle of the barn. I look up at her. "Okay, ready when you are."

She grabs the third knot from the bottom and puts the rope with the second knot between her legs, so she's sitting on it, swing style. Then she closes her eyes, steps into empty space, and bleats out a little squeal. She's got a death grip on that rope, but it catches and keeps, swinging her through the air like a wrecking ball.

She opens her eyes to look down at me, and a huge smile lights up her face. When she swings to a stop, I stand underneath her to help her down. Her chosen knot is a good six feet off the ground, quite a drop from where she's sitting.

She looks at me warily.

"It's okay, I gotchu," I say, arms out, like a dad in the pool with a timid child.

She decides to trust me, lets go of the knot, and falls into my arms. She knocks me off balance, and we tumble together into the hay, a pile of limbs intertwined, my body on hers. I feel her rough breathing as she gazes into my eyes. Something's there. Some look on her face I can't quite pin down.

In that moment, I want to kiss her more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. And I don't know if this is wishful thinking or not, but it feels like she might want me to kiss her too. Her gaze drifts from my eyes to my mouth, but she doesn't move. She just lies there, quiet, waiting.

Then I think about Bree.

Ugh.

"You okay?" I ask. 

"Yeah," she whispers.

"You looked like Spiderman," I say as I push myself off her, extending a hand to help her up.

"I felt like him too. That was awesome." She brushes the hay from her jeans.

"A rush, right?"

"Gotta love that dopamine." She gives me a crooked smile.

"Dopamine?"

"Yeah, we're learning about survival hormones in biology. Dopamine is responsible for the rush you feel when you do something exciting. It's most commonly associated with sex and danger." 

When she says "sex" so casually, I remember the Peyton from my dreams lying in front of the fireplace wearing nothing but a pair of white panties and beckoning me to her.

I swallow.

She cocks her head and looks at me curiously. God, I hope she can't read my mind.

"You gonna take a turn?" She asks, holding the rope toward me. 

I shake my head to snap myself out of it. I'm really not in the mood to go back up in that loft. "Not today," I say. "Maybe another time." I pick up the football, palm it with my fingertips on the laces. "Okay, Spidey," I say. "Let's go play some catch."

We walk out into the night air. It's cold and damp. The sun has set behind the trees, and the barnyard is dark with the exception of a few floodlights. We toss the ball back and forth in silence. Then, out of nowhere, she asks, "So did you and Bree ever lock things down?"

Interesting question. I have no idea how to answer her.

"Not really," I say. I throw the ball back to her. I don't want to explain it all. About how Bree might leave or about why it's so hard for me to just end it if she doesn't go. Most guys don't like breaking up with a girl. What they do instead is just act like total pricks until the girl gets so frustrated that she breaks it off. I guess they think they'll avoid hurting her feelings that way. But I don't want to treat her like shit, especially not after she just went through the wringer with that prick Cash. It seems like she's still struggling, and I'm the only real friend who knows. Or cares.

I redirect the conversation. "Whatever happened with you and Lowery? I mean after homecoming?"

She shrugs, tosses the ball up in the air, and lets it fall back into her hands. "Nothing. I got the feeling that the only reason he took me to the dance was because he thought I was a lesbian."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, I know it sounds weird. I think he was just looking for attention. I don't think he really liked me, that's all." 

I walk toward her, shaking my head. "I told you he's a shithead."

She smiles. "Yeah, you were right." She shrugs again and looks up at me.

"And what about Marshall?" I ask. I don't know if I want to hear the answer.

"What about Marshall?" she replies.

"You two seem pretty tight," I say, keeping it chill.

She nods. "Yeah. He's helped me through a lot. Marshall and his Awo."

"His Awo?"

"Yeah, that's what he calls his grandfather."

"You've hung out with Marshall's grampa?" What the fuck?

She swallows. Nods again. And then it's like she disappears, goes somewhere else for a minute. "Yeah, he, uh...well, it's hard to explain. But remember when I told you I still talk to Pax?"

I nod.

"Well, I also see him, like all the time. Especially when I'm playing football."

"I think that's pretty normal," I say.

"I guess, yeah. But the weird thing about Marshall's Awo...he knew about Pax. Before I ever told Marshall any of it."

"You told Marshall about Pax?" I ask, kind of annoyed that she's confiding in him too.

"Yeah, I told him right after that newspaper incident. I was pretty upset, and it all came out." 

So she told Marshall before she told me? I guess I know where I fall on her pecking order. "How did his grampa know if you hadn't told anyone?"

"That's the mystery. One time I went to his house to study, and his Awo was there. He's blind, so when Marshall introduced us, he asked who the other friend was. Marshall told him it was just me. But Awo said no, there is another. A twin soul. Then he described Pax, like exactly."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah, it seriously freaked me out."

"Is he psychic?" I ask.

"Either that...or he talks to spirits," she says.

"Do you believe in that kind of thing?"

"I never did before. But now...I'm not so sure. The things he said to me were very specific."

"Like what?"

"He said, to whom much is given, much will be required." She raises one eyebrow.

"The Bible verse?"

She nods. "Luke 12:48. My dad used to say it to my brother, like all the time."

"I just got chills," I say.

"Welcome to my world," she replies, shaking her head.