pairings: shangqi x reader
warnings: heavy implications of abuse, clear indications of a past abusive and unhealthy relationship, although with who not specified, ptsd episode, please heed warnings
about: : (DA6) "you just flinched." with shangqi please?
a/n: i didn't specify it was a relationship with a father, but i hope that's okay. sorry it took me so long, i wanted to research before writing because it is a sensitive subject. i hope i did your request justice.

it had been months of blissful laughter and breathless smiles spent with shangqi; weeks' worth of numerous playful complaints from katy, and countless late nights of you both staying up late because the sun bleeding over the shine of the stars had been unnoticeable over the lovesick bubble you two seemed to live in.

however, it had only been a few weeks after you found out you didn't even know the name of the man you were in love with, no matter how many decades you'd known him or how many whispered secrets you had shared in between the pressed kisses to the shell of your ear.

he had assured you everything else was true, that everything you'd ever shared was real, the only lie he'd ever told you was the matter of his family–and, in a failed attempt to soothe you, the other that he didn't have feelings for you, a reference to a conversation from high school you couldn't bother to remember at that moment–and that you could still trust him. from a logical point, you knew he was right; you knew how long you'd known him, but the trust you had had in knowing everything about someone for once had been ripped out of your chest so unfairly, and the scars it left and opened were inevitable and bloody.

you couldn't seem to be logical for a lot of the time after that, obsessively watching the video taken of shangqi at the bus to find some semblance of the man you'd known your entire life in that familiar face but completely unrecognizable interior.

you'd managed to act normal and logical for the most part, smiling at shangqi each time he came home from work and greet him with a happy kiss. most of it wasn't acting–you really did love shangqi, even after the colossal lies he'd told you–and that terrified you. you had completely handed yourself over to him, laying your heart at his feet for him to crush if he felt like it, your trust laying to shatter in his arms.

although you understood why– of course you did; if anyone was to understand, it would be you–you just couldn't get over how stark the difference was between the shangqi that cradled you close to his chest and the one that fought flawlessly in the field, dancing such a deadly game so beautifully, so easily. it scared you how easily he seemed to enter that role. the logical part of you told you that was stupid, because shangqi had been raised to do that, but you couldn't shake it.

you watched the bus boy video as much as you could, desperate in finding something that would tie these two doppelgangers together yet separate them as far as possible, as if they really were two different people with two different lives in two different bodies–and shangqi hadn't lied to you all this time.

but he had, and all you were left with was that cruel realization and the memorized fight on the bus, the ease with which shangqi could hurt someone, anyone–even you–replaying in your mind.

it didn't help that shangqi was now part of the new avengers initiative, meaning he was going on missions and using his apparent abilities regularly now. you had caught glimpses of his skills when you would get dragged along to the avengers compound to see him train, and sometimes even brief glances of him during his missions–something you'd rather not see again, not after experiencing shangqi at his most ruthless, too similar to what you'd prefer to leave in the past.

the consequences came in the form of restless nights from nightmares and remaining wide awake in shangqi's arms, too afraid to meet the unkind darkness of your closed eyes, where you are only left with ugly memories and burning scars, healed bruises feeling new, unfair fear crawling up your spy at the touch of your love's fingertips.

it all came to a head the evening after shangqi came back from a mission, still in his suit even though he usually changed before coming back home.

you had greeted him at the door with a gentle smile, but couldn't help but take a step back when you noticed the smudges of blood that shone through the dark material of his suit. in the back of your brain, you could hear yourself pointing out the purpled skin that peeked out of the collar, and the cuts that littered his face, but you couldn't bring yourself to notice anything other than the blood that was clearly not his. you can feel water surrounding your chest, like an anvil heavy on your lungs, squeezing the air out as he comes closer.

you dodged out of the hug you usually gave him after he came back, gulping down the anxiety that crept up your throat. shangqi frowned, the arms he was trying to comfortingly throw around you falling to his sides. "babe?"

"sorry, you're– it's the– i can't–" you pointed vaguely at his attire, "dirty."

shangqi looked down at himself, spotting what you were referring to and nodding, "oh, right, sorry," he starts, genuinity in his words, "didn't have the energy to change at the compound. let me shower and change so you can give me my hug." he shoots you a smile and a kiss that you force a smile at, trying to ignore the way his hands are stained red–the memory it brings. the feeling of the water goes does as you see him retreat into the room, although it's there at your thighs, ready for a wave to come through and drown you if you think a little harder about it.

you shuffle to the kitchen, distracting yourself with random things as you listen to the shower that turns on until it's shut off, the bang of the door as it closes, and the creaks of the drawers as shangqi pulls them open, the water that rises to your bellybutton then falls to your knees, only to come back up higher, more suffocating. you barely realize you've spent all your time at the sink, washing dishes, until your hand touches air instead of the pile of dirty dishes next to you, shortly followed by shangqi's voice.

"oh, you didn't have to do that, honey. i told you i'd do those when i got home."

you hum distractedly, tensing at the feeling of shangqi's hands at your waist, and all of the sudden you can only feel the stain of the blood that was on his hands, the memory of blood-stained hands–your blood–settling onto your delicate skin and squeezing your blood, along with your life, from you. the water suddenly drowns you, creeping into your mouth and bubbling in your nose, utterly helpless as you drown.

you pull away immediately, unable to stand the feeling of shangqi's clean hands dirtying you again. "please don't."

shangqi frowns, "i showered already, y/n, clean, i promise." he raises his hands in surrender, coming closer to you probably to show you, but the ugly familiarity of the events of the day, the water in your throat, along with the deteriorating feelings of the past weeks makes you think it's another movement–his hand, reaching out to grasp your wrist in a painful grip similar to one of the fighting movements you'd seen him use before during fights, urging you to remember you are not in control, or maybe pull you closer by the skin of your neck, ready to leave visible bruising by the next day. you flinch, trying to stop yourself from moving away altogether, knowing all too well that it would only make things worse. his movements are slow, but it doesn't matter, and you shut your eyes tight, trying to stop the shake of your hands, "i'm sorry, please– i won't do it again, i promise–"

shangqi freezes the moment you react the way you do, taking notice of the way your arms go up to protect yourself, how you don't seem to look at him, your voice distant and meek unlike he'd ever heard it–muffled underwater–standing right in front of him yet so far away.

he lowers his hands slowly, taking a step back to give you some space and holding himself back from pulling you into his arms and assuring you you're okay. "y/n?" he starts, feeling helpless when you only draw further away, apologies rushing together.

"y/n, honey, it's me. it's shangqi, you're safe, you're at home with me."

a stuttered i'm sorry begins to trail off, but you continue it in a whisper as you pry your eyes open, allowing tears to slip through the protective exterior you had on.

"take a deep breath, honey, i'm not gonna hurt you, no one is, i promise."

you gulp, silent now, but your hands still up.

"you're safe, you're safe," shangqi repeats, noticing the way you seem to come back. "y/n?"

"i'm sorry," you whisper, "i didn't– i know you aren't going to..."

"it's okay, it's okay. is it okay if i come closer?"

with a slow nod, shangqi takes a few slow steps toward you.

your arms are frozen in front of you, and you sniffle, "i can't– i can't..."

"that's okay, is it okay if i touch you?"

"yeah, it's not you, it's just– i'm sorry, i didn't mean to... to make you think..."

shangqi gently sets his hands on your arms, tenderly soothing the tense muscles there until he gets to your hands, intertwining his fingers with yours, "is this okay?"

you nod again, and with care, shangqi begins to lower your arms slowly, until your arms are back at your sides.

"are you okay?"

"yes."

at the concerned look shangqi observes you with, you retreat, "it's just– it was the movement, it freaked me out, i guess."

"you flinched," shangqi points out softly, a horrible pain laced in his tone, "i would never–i would never hurt you, you know that, right?"

you nod– a frantic movement, obvious in its guilt and sincerity, "i know. i know that, it was just the way you moved your hand, it looked like–like a move."

"a move?" shangqi repeats, tone gentle, "what does that mean?"

"you just... i recognized it and you used that move before, it looked like you were gonna– grab my wrist or something and i just panicked, i'm sorry...:"

shiny trails of salty tears begin to stain your cheeks, fingers subconsciously wrapping around a wrist as if cradling a bruise there, and shangqi realizes that the "bad relationship" you had was worse than he thought. he doesn't pry, instead drawing you into his chest and feeling relief flood through him when you let him with little hesitation, melting in his embrace when you recognize it as safe. "it's been a bad week," you whimper, "month–just, since i found out about... everything. it's like you were a new person, with a different name and– it was just too much today, i'm sorry."

"i never thought that..." shangqi begins, but decides against it when he can't phrase the words correctly, "i'm sorry for not noticing how much it affected you. i'm sorry i didn't tell you the truth."

you don't voice a reply, instead offering a small nod.

"i should have told you it bothered me, i just get caught up in the past, even though i know i'm not there anymore. that i'm safe now, i know that. it was just a lot."

shangqi mutters another apology into your hair, shifting on his feet, "do you want to talk about it?"

you shake your head, "it's my past. i want to leave it away from my future."

"okay," he inhales, "if you ever want to, i'm here. i don't want you to think i'd... hurt you. no matter what my past is or what i can do–"

"i know." you interrupt, pulling away from him to look him in the eye, "i know how good you are, really," you assure, palms to his cheeks, "you're so good, shangqi, i know that."

he observes you, gentle pads of his fingers wiping away tears, "so you're not afraid?"

"no, no." you press, before taking a deep breath that assures you your airway is free of water, that you can breathe again, and all you want is to forget this, if not for a simple moment before you have to deal with this. "can we just go to bed? watch a movie or something and just lie there? please?"

shangqi senses this, and he lets you get away with it, nodding, "whatever you want."

shangqi may not be able to pull you out of the water completely, but he makes it easier to keep it out of your lungs.