pairings: past lover!enemy!bucky barnes x reader, mentions of steve rogers
warnings: lovers to enemies to lovers, a lot of angst, mentions of blood, hydra, mentions of death and 40s bucky
about: t "enemies to lovers with bucky" that got wayy out of hand because i apparently don't know how to write something that doesn't
a/n: okayy so i have never written enemies to lovers before, so i hope i did this right, and i did change it a little to past lovers to enemies to lovers, i hope you don't mind!! i'm not too sure how i feel about this, mainly because it's so long for me that i'll only be able to read and edit it like twice and i'll start hating it by the first time. this is about 4k words, aka one of my longest fics ever
edit: YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO EDIT THIS WOW

bucky realizes exactly how bad his relationship with you has gotten when he overhears your argument with steve over the mission pairing next week. he doesn't mean to; he knows how pissed at him you would get if you were to find out he was listening in to a conversation that didn't include him— although, really, the last time he was included was decades ago, when you would smile at him with warm apple cheeks and let him tuck away stray strands of your hair.

your frustrated words sneak out through the cracks of the door, letting him know exactly how upset you are that you were paired with him for the mission.

"we've barely even talked—" bucky nearly scoffs at this, knowing well that it was your fault. although he can't let you take full blame. "you know we won't work well together. partners need to have each others' back—" steve cuts you off at that, and it makes bucky glad because that had stung more than he thought it would. some part of him, even while you pointedly avoided his existence, thought that you still cared, even if it was monumentally less than the care you'd had for him before. he never wanted to confront the possibility that you didn't care at all, that you would come running to steve in distaste at seeing your name and his next to each other.

"it's done, y/n. deal with it. it's only one mission," steve tells you sternly, exasperated. bucky can see the tick of your jaw even through the door, the way you huff out of your nose and accept defeat. some things never changed, even after a near-century. there's a silence bucky thinks indicates an end to the conversation, and he's about to take his leave before he's caught, but steve's soft sigh stops him. "i thought this duel between you two would end by now," he says, followed by a gentle scoff from you. steve ignores it, "you two were... so much bigger than this. are so much bigger than this."

"he left me, steve," you snap, words edged and sharp and pained, "he made me feel like another notch on his bedpost." bucky nearly barges in right then and there, refusing to let you think like that. he knows he screwed up, but he never thought you'd think that. you were too good for him to think you meant so little to him; he had tried his best to make sure you didn't think that way, he wasn't sure when it went wrong. "he left me. didn't even know he was gone 'til i went over to his for the date he promised me and his ma told me he was gone." bucky's eyes close, forehead knocking soundlessly against the door frame. "at least you got a goodbye, stevie. all i got was assurance that i was never really anything to him," your voice turns angrier, and bucky doesn't think he can listen to you talk about this anymore. he turns towards the elevator after steve stays silent, probably knowing better than to argue with you.

"'can't do anything about this now, y/n. it's only one mission," is the last thing he hears steve say before bucky walks away, your words rattling around in his broken mind.

-

the jet is dead silent when he climbs inside, ten minutes early as usual, but you're there already, wordlessly walking past him to replace one of the weapons you keep in your holster. bucky wants to tell you hello, even though he knows you will only respond with a dry stare his way before you give him a view of your turned shoulder as you do anything but acknowledge his presence. your overheard conversation with steve is still heavy on his brain, having scrutinized each letter of the words you'd said to try and make sense of them. even through the shattered, blurry mess of memories he had, the ones with you were bright and clear, as if taken on the best camera in the twenty-first century. he can remember the feel of your lips on his when you both got the guts to admit your feelings for each other, the way your lips had smiled through the kiss, your giddiness clear in the curve of your mouth, and the tender pull his jaw by your careful fingers. the sound of your flustered laugh still rings clear in his ears, the warmth of your forehead as you leant it against his own, shining eyes caught on his.

he can recall the storm of feelings he felt with the fanciest pen he owned in his hand, trembling over the clean paper while he tried to write the goodbye he would never be able to tell you in person. the words of the letter he can recite in his sleep: i love you, dollface. i love you so much that i can't bear to tell you goodbye. i know that i'll never leave if i have to stand in front of you and tell you that i have to, not when i know you'll be there waiting for me. but i gotta do this, you know i do. i swear to you, doll, i'll come back and take you out on the best damn date of your life. don't be surprised if it ends with me on a knee and that ring i know you'll like on your finger.

he knows you deserved a real goodbye, but he was selfish, and one look from you, and he would never go. still, how dare you say he left you without a goodbye when he poured everything he had into it?

he's tempted to ask you right now, interrupt the cleaning of the gun in your hands, but the very real possibility of you shooting him cuts his thoughts short. nevertheless, he aches to hear your voice directed at him again, see your eyes on him, even if it's in an argument.

even though the quinjet flies itself, you seat yourself in the pilot's seat while bucky stays in the back, quiet. his eyes can't help but drift to you every once in a while, just watching as you stare out the window, shoulders still tense like every time he's in the same place as you. it makes him sadder than he had thought before, because he can still recall the times that they would relax every time he smiled at you, his touch calling for you to melt into him instead of stepping away from him.

after a second, he stands to recheck his weapons, even though he's completely sure every one of them is in perfect shape. you stand, too, heading towards one of the doors when stark's high-tech, no-turbulence quinjets experience a harsh bump. it knocks you—and nearly bucky— off your feet, sending you tumbling forward and straight into bucky's chest. instinctively, his hands settle around your waist, holding you in place. it's in the second that you allow him to touch you that he's suddenly hit with exactly how much he's missed being able to touch you— be near you. the scent of your perfume wafts pleasantly into his nose, and he memorizes it immediately, along with the warmth of your skin— which he notices remains the same— and the smell of the shampoo you use. you only allow him near you for a second before you push him off of you roughly, shooting him a dirty look.

"you're welcome," bucky grumbles bitterly, moving to sit back down. your head snaps back towards him.

"i didn't say thank you," you snap, "i didn't even ask you to do that."

"you don't have to. it's kind of the decent thing to do so you don't crack your head open when you fall. it's also the decent thing to thank me for not letting that happen."

you raise an eyebrow at him, eyes thinning at him. he can practically see his words blowing up in his face. "don't talk to me about decency." you retort, "what the hell would you know?"

bucky steps towards you, "what is that supposed to mean?"

you scoff, "oh, please, as if you don't know. don't act stupid, bucky. as much as i don't want to, i know you better than that."

"i'm not— what the hell are you talkin' about?"

"nothing," you sneer, "just thought that being decent included saying goodbye before leaving to go to a fuckin' war you didn't even know you were gonna come out of."

there's an angry, confused silence that hangs in the air after you confess why you have been so dead-set on hating him after all this time. your chest is rising with heavy breaths, and bucky is confused, eyes searching for any semblance of a lie in your eyes, but he looks away when he finds none.

"are you serious?" he asks.

you send him a deadpan stare, "i don't really feel up to joking around with you."

bucky steps towards you, "i said— i said goodbye. maybe i didn't do it in the best way, but i made sure i told you goodbye. i would never leave you like that, especially after..."

"you didn't tell me anything. i only found out you left after your ma told me. do you know how ridiculous i looked? going to that house ready for our date, only for me to find out you left me before i thought you even could."

"i sent you a letter. i explained everything, i swear," bucky tells you, his hands on your arms gentle enough for you to slip away, and tight enough for you to know how serious his words were. "y/n, you gotta believe me. i would never— dammit, doll, how could you think i could leave you like that?"

"you did! that's how i could think that! there was no letter, no warning—"

"you have arrived."

you stop yourself, eyes glued to the floor as bucky drops his hands from your arms. "please, sweetheart, i swear i sent you that letter. i could recite it for you right now if you wanted it." friday's mechanical voice echoes through the speaker again, repeating the earlier statement. you shake your head gently as if trying to rid yourself of the distraction in front of you, but you allow yourself for a brief glance at bucky's eyes, scanning his features for any indication of dishonesty. you pull away when you don't find any, feeling more upset rather than relieved.

"let's just do what we need to," you say finally, exiting the jet. bucky follows you after a few seconds.

—

"we'll split up. you take the right side of the base and i'll take the left. we'll find the drive a lot faster," you instruct quietly, glued to the wall next to bucky as you check there aren't any agents in the base.

"are you sure?" bucky questions, "the intel on this base wasn't too clear. there could be agents in there."

"i can handle myself. i'm sure you know."

"y/n—" he begins fruitlessly, trailing off when you take his answer as confirmation and head into the base once you clear the entrance. sighing, he jogs up next to you, overly alert of his surroundings. there's an air in the base that he recognizes too well; all hydra buildings have a certain disturbing feel to them that indicates all the pain that was forced upon hostages, the screams that echoed through the bloodied walls almost loud enough to travel through time and reach your ears. with this one, though, bucky can feel the device that was clamped to his head, ripping away every piece of bucky he had left. he shivers.

your eyes drift to him when you notice, eyebrows joining, "what's wrong?" you ask him, tone all-business.

"i think i know this base. where are we again?"

you're about to respond offhandedly when you pause, your movements freezing altogether. you gulp, an unwanted flash of recognition in your eyes as you turn to bucky. "um, siberia, russia. hydra siberian facility. this is the one you were..." you blink, forcing yourself to say it so he doesn't have to. "this is the one you were held in, buck, i'm so sorry."

it's the first time he's heard you say his name in a while. when he turns to you, he notices how tense you are, and he knows it's not because of him, it's because you can feel it too, now.

there's a brief pause that follows. "i think you're right. we should stay together," you continue, "you never know." your voice wavers, stepping a little closer to him as you continue walking through the facility.

-

there has been no sign of any other life besides than the two of you. you've cleared most of the rooms together since you refuse to leave his side. as much as you seem to hate him, there's at least a small part of you that still cares more than he ever thought you would.

"another room." bucky lets you know, leading you inside once he's made sure it was clear. you begin to start rifling through the files at one end of the room, the sheer size of it making it seem like you were in two different ones. it'll take a while to meet in the middle, he notes.

you pay little attention to him as you flick through names and papers, only really looking out for any indications that bucky isn't okay. you're on the third cabinet when you see the drive you're looking for, clear and so badly hidden, it must hve been intentional. it's shoved between thick folders and stray papers, making it easy for you to pull it out with a relieved sigh. you're about to turn to bucky and let him know you can finally leave when a file with the name of the man in the room with you catches your eye.

even with the drive in your palm, clearly the one you need evident by the label on it, you can't help the fingers that take the file out. the papers inside are worn and crumpled, the lack of care put into putting them away blatant with the folded corners and smudged words. handwriting on a ripped paper catches your eyes, the creases in the paper showing how much time it spent folded inside a pocket. air escapes you when you catch the date scribbled on the top right, the numbers slightly smudged, but there: december 14, 1941, the day bucky left for the army.

the events on the plane flood back to you as you read the letter. you can feel the lump in your throat growing more difficult to swallow with each read word telling you goodbye. as you stand straighter, opening the file more, something inside clatters to the floor, catching bucky's attention. you distractedly pick it up, not really looking at it until you feel what it is in your hand— the compass you had gotten bucky years before he enlisted. your eyes finally fall from the letter to stare at it, running your fingers over the design on the edges and then on the little button to open it. your lips part when you discover the picture inside of you.

the weight of bucky's stare on you is nonexistent as you run your fingers over your picture. you can remember the day it was taken—just a few months before bucky left— and the warmth that settled over your cheeks when bucky complimented you. you drag your vision away from it to read the rest of the letter, a glimmer of gold at the middle of the folder stopping you yet again.

you can't help the gasp that escapes your lips when you realize it's a ring that is no doubt bucky's. you'd seen his mother wearing it every day you knew her; except for the day you visited her— the day bucky left.

you mutter a curse when you realize what the letter means; what the compass with your picture in it and winnie's wedding ring indicates. the promises bucky included in his letter were real, his love for you was real, and had hydra not held him hostage, his goodbye would've made its way to you, and so would bucky, with his wedding ring and lovesick eyes.

"what's wrong?" bucky questions from the other side of the room, having observed your stunned silence for long enough. the gleaming tears that form in your eyes give him the push to walk over to you and the folder that you can't stop staring at, the harsh grip your fingers have on it leaving indents on the paper. you don't seem to care. "y/n?"

you can't stop rereading the letter, taking in the words you had been repeating to yourself before you let the anger take you over. it's like your forties self is screaming i told you so at your present self, furious at you for letting yourself think what she knew was wrong.

you let bucky take the papers from you without a word, the grip you have on the old ring that had resided on winnie's finger for as long as you'd known her the only tie you have to the present. "fuck," you say, roughly wiping away the tears that begin to streak down your face. bucky recognizes the letter immediately, brows furrowing when he realizes the goodbye he had written you never got to you, meaning that you were technically right— he had practically abandoned you after his dreams had come true because he was scared of exactly this. he hears you repeat the curse, eyes finally reaching up to meet his. "i'm so sorry, bucky," you tell him, voice dripping in disappointed sincerity. "you were right. i knew you would never—" your face scrunches, fist tightening, "i know you would never leave me like that."

the glint of bucky's vibranium fingers catch on the shitty lights while he reads the same sentences he painstakingly clung together decades ago, desperate to make it perfect for you. he spots the compass dangling off its chain in between your clenched fingers, and from its absence in the file, bucky can assume you found the ring.

you catch his eye, looking down at your hand before quickly holding it out to him, carefully setting down the compass in his palm. your hand opens to show him the ring, "oh," he croaks, shaking his head disorientedly when you extend it closer to him, urging him to take it back. "no, no, keep it. it's for you anyways."

pained eyes look back up at him before your fingers close over the jewelry, storing it safely in the chest pocket of your suit. he holds your stare for as long as he can, desperate in his search of the ocean in your eyes for something you weren't even sure of.

"um," you sniffle, blinking away your tears and effectively cutting off the eye contact as you look to the ground. "i got the drive. we can leave now." bucky mumbles an affirmation, blinking at you when you regain your composure, straightening up with a wipe of your cheeks and a clear of your throat, "you set up the bombs, right?"

bucky nods, clearly muddled, "yeah... all ready to be activated."

"let's go then," you say, avoiding his eye while you start to walk out of the room. he doesn't think you think he noticed that the papers in the folder are gone, the only thing left is the compass in his hold.

-

you ignore him the whole flight, but the items from the base weigh heavy in your pockets, screeching at you to take them out and analyze them again for reassurance that the man you'd sworn heartlessly abandoned you like one of the flings you'd seen him leave had actually done the opposite. the ring that meant so much to his mother and the words he'd recited in his letter were proof of that, evidence that you were wrong and had hated him for no reason.

it was difficult to process how awful you had been to him, disregarding his presence and his concerned words. you could recall the day you arrived, when he had greeted you with a bone-breaking hug that you had returned until the memory of what he had done to you settled in. the grief you'd suffered for him had torn deeper at your heart, and torn you away from him.

he had been angry with you, too, after realizing why you were standing in the same room as him, the exact same as the last day he'd seen you, just like him. you couldn't blame him now; you were reckless to a point of danger due to the anguish that had ripped you apart so desperately, you felt there was no more of you to keep safe. the loss of not only the man you'd loved wholly for your whole life but of both of the best friends you'd protected and been protected by, shattering you to the point of giving yourself to howard stark as a guinea pig for his time travel ideas.

you allow yourself one look at him after not being able to help yourself, startled to find his attention already on you, the compass open and cradled in his hand like a precious stone.

you turn away and don't look back at him again.

-

silence is all you can give when you arrive at the compound, heading straight into your room and putting off a shower, instead tugging out the yellowed letter with a delicate desperacy you weren't sure you still had. the itch of your suit goes unnoticed by you as you slide against the wall, letting yourself sink to the floor, distracted by the letter clenched in your hand, eyes scanning the words you had been reciting to yourself the entire way back.

i love you he repeats at least three times, and you aren't sure if the dry splatters of water are yours or his. i'll marry you when i come back, he promises twice, and you can nearly hear the words in his own voice from the forties, so hopeful and so sure, so unaware that he would never come back to that time. goodbye, he writes at the end, for now like a prayer.

you can't feel the tears as they drench your face. you can only feel the lack of air as you gasp, squeezing your eyes shut and hugging the paper to your chest as gently as you can, careful to not damage it any further. the ring is digging so hard into your palm, you're sure when you open your hand again, you'll be met with small dots of blood.

it's why you don't notice when bucky opens your door to the image of you, the very same one he would've seen the day the man knocked at your door, full of empty apologies as he delivered two condolence letters to you instead of your boys. it's instinct to him when he rushes over to you, gathering you up into his arms as he repeats it's okay, even if he doesn't know what it even is.

your arms drape over his neck without hesitation, face nudging its way into the familiar crook of his neck, trying to control your shuddering breaths. "i'm sorry," you keep saying, fisting the shirt that smells like your detergent. he assures you it's okay, the letter in your hands, stained with tears and guilt, letting him know what's wrong.

you whimper about how much of an ass you've been, how you should've known better after knowing him so much better, how you should've let him explain before pushing him to assume any love you had for him was gone when the complete opposite was the truth. you confess how much you missed him even though you felt betrayed, the overwhelming amount of love you still hold for him.

he responds by brushing away wet strands of hair from your damp eyelashes and comforting pressed kisses against the salty skin of your cheeks— just because you're letting him and he's wanted to do that ever since you met him, ever since you kissed him the day before he left for the war, when fireworks exploded in his brain and he was sure you had to be soulmates even if they didn't exist in your world.

he understands, you realize, and he doesn't blame you at all.

it settles in once you've both calmed down, when your head is on his shoulder and his arm around your waist, the letter he wrote you neatly folded on your dresser. "i missed you," you tell him, smiling softly when you feel his lips against your forehead.

"i missed you, too," he murmurs, "more than you know." his fingers are intertwined with yours, and you let yourself appreciate how much he seems to like touching you. "'think i owe you a date, though."