pairings: bucky barnes x reader
warnings: a panic attack, ptsd, indications of abuse/bad experiences that can be attributed to a background in hydra or something else since i left it sort of open-ended. lots of self-deprecating thoughts, tears, angst.
about: : kind of combined either one day they dissociated and buck was trying to bring them back down to earth or they got into an argument and she flinched but he thinks it's because of him and his past?

days like these feel heavy; blurry, like you're watching from underwater. the warnings begin days before, when unwelcome memories too familiar for you to forget begin to creep their way back into your life, your habits, infiltrating the broken maze of your mind in a way they only know to do from experience. it makes you forget you're not there anymore—trapped, breathless, your grip on reality breaking your fingers and slicing open skin, exhausted enough to not realize the blood dripping down your arms is a mix of your own and someone else's—forces you back into the routines you were held to.

wake up at four—precisely at four, or you will be woken up in a way that forms welts onto your skin—don't look anyone in the eyes. you are nothing.

it's familiar, the lifeless routine the only way to stay alive.

it's been so ingrained into your brain with the metal that connects to your temples and the brands that are burned into your skin that you find yourself doing them years after you're out, when you're in the safety of the apartment, the safety of bucky.

the same bucky who trails gentle fingers over your arm to bring you back down when your eyes are suddenly open without your permission at four in the morning, who kisses away frightened tears when the signs move to nightmares that leave you trembling in the warmth of your bed.

it all comes to a head a few days later—today. and you realize the warnings are nothing. you would take the warnings over this anytime. anything over this paranoia that something is behind your shoulder, that your footsteps are echoed, your shadow covering another, just waiting to lunge at you, to rip you apart. you can't help it today. you wake up silently at four and can't be in the bed any later, because every time you try to close your eyes, your voice is screaming that you need to get up, there is no other choice. bucky doesn't realize you've woken up, you were finally able to convince him to lower his guard when he was with you, where there is no need for his skills, and you are conditioned into doing everything quietly enough to trick the world into thinking that you don't exist.

you don't turn on any lights because you don't want to risk waking bucky up, so you sit in the darkness of the kitchen until he wakes up, unable to stop yourself from shaking. your neck snaps every few minutes when you turn to a shadowed corner where you're sure you saw something move. be careful, your mind cries, they're there, they're there.

your hands cradle your face, pulling at your cheeks to shut yourself up, and you catch yourself slumping. sit up straight.
your spine immediately straightens, hands at your side, face shiny with tears staring straight ahead. you let a shuddering breath leave your lips before you begin to sob, slapping a palm to your mouth to muffle the sound. quiet. shut up, shut up, they'll come if they hear you, shut up.

with nothing but your terror to accompany you, you let it envelop you like a blanket full of holes, sharp icicles digging deep into your ribs until they pierce your lungs and you feel like you can't breathe anymore. shut up. you grip onto it like a vice, instructions guiding your motions as if you were some kind of robot.

bucky finds you in there the next morning, after panic creates messy hair and frantic stumbling through the door due to the fact that you weren't next to him anymore like you usually were. at the sight of you, hurriedly cleaning the living room, bucky's eyebrows furrow in confusion, "y/n?"

it takes you a second to register that he's calling for you, far too used to your name something degrading. you straighten, making sure that your feet are at shoulder's length,

"hi," you greet. your voice is too timid for it to be yours. you're supposed to run up to him and kiss him and let him swing you around and touch you because you trust him. are you supposed to trust anybody?

"where did you—you scared me, are you okay?" bucky asks, observing the dark bags underneath your eyes, quickly realizing something is wrong.

"i apologize," you state sincerely, "i'm okay. i decided i should get up early today."

"why?" bucky questions, concerned over the tone of your voice,

"because i said so," you reply defensively, repeating the answer they'd told you when you had asked, blinking fast when you feel the ghost of the punishment for doubting them.

"you don't need to yell at me, doll." bucky raises his hands in surrender, "i'm just worried about you." it makes you feel bad, why are you treating him like this? stop it. he's lying. they're all lying.

"you don't need to be worried," you shrug, your eyes bouncing from him to the wall in conflict, it makes you feel worse.

"what's that supposed to mean?" bucky urges, nerves grating at his stomach.

"it means what i just said." you regret it the moment it's out of your mouth. why are you saying these things to him? shut up, shut up, shut up.

"why are you talking to me like that?" you barely feel the pride when deep inside, you realize bucky is standing up for himself. you wish you weren't bringing him to the point where he had to. why can't you stop? the attitude is what caused all the scars, all the punishments, shut up.

"i don't—" bucky brings his vibranium hand up to run his fingers through his hair from stress, but the movement is too familiar, too much of a trigger on a day like this. you flinch back at once, arms snapping up to protect your face from the impact that would never come.

bucky freezes when he notices, stopping all of his movements, eyes flickering to the arm that glints in the light.

it's the utter fear in your eyes that brings his greatest fear to the forefront of his mind. your irises sparkle with hot tears that only chase the wet paths of the ones that had run previously, heavy enough to make them seem hollow, the commands thundering inside your head nearly audible to him. if he heard, you're sure he would obey too.

"stop. stop. i'm sorry, i'm sorry," you beg, eyes shut, awareness far away.

"y/n?" he tries, softly, his voice broken with heartbreak. you barely react to the sound of his voice, a quiet whimper the only confirmation you even heard him. you try, though, using the little strength you have to push away all of the sharp voices that fill your mind, command your body, but fear has drained you so desperately, you don't think you could do anything but obey.

"i'm sorry." you hear. you realize you said it. "please."

nervously, bucky brings his arm down, slowly enough that you don't seem too startled by it. his eyes are wide, the pain that rips through his chest at being the cause of the distress coming off of you in waves widening the hate for his arm that he's tried so hard to erase. "i'm not going to... i would never—"

"i'll behave, i promise." you don't seem to hear it, and bucky realizes what's going on, but the opened wound of the thought of you being afraid of him is gaping and bleeding. but so were you.

"i'm sorry honey, i didn't realize it before," he whispers, remembering the times where you'd comforted him during his episodes. he doesn't move any closer to you, "it's bucky, honey. you're at home, c'mon, baby."

you pry your eyes open; he's too gentle to be part of your memories, too caring to be part of the organization that had done so much harm to you. but tricks! your mind warns. but you can still recognize him, still perceive the safety he brings and the comfort that he seems to exude to you. safe, you think distantly, although it seems so quiet.

"there we go, there you are, can you take a deep breath, sweetheart?"

still shaking, you manage to pull at the string swearing to you that bucky is safe, and choke air into your lungs.

"good, honey, i'm so proud of you, can you give me some more?"

"okay," you answer in a rough voice, your vocal cords destroyed with your crying. you take a few more breaths, but your arms stay up.

"so good, so good, dove," bucky praises gently, "can you tell me five things you see right now?"

closing your eyes for a second, you nod, steadying yourself before you open your eyes again, flitting over your apartment, "i see... the table and the clock—y—you." you gulp, "bucky." bucky nods at you, urging you to continue, "i see the fridge, it has alphabet magnets on it," you see bucky nod, and the voice gets a little louder, images of splattered blood beginning to blur away to memories of the man in front of you, "sam bought them so we could stick them on your arm," you sniffle.

"good. can you try putting your arms down, or do you wanna tell me four things you can hear?" bucky offers.

"i don't know if i can," you admit, "it feels like they're stuck."

"is it okay if i touch you so i can try and help? i promise i'll be gentle."

you nod, "i know. i know you will."

it brings bucky comfort to know that, and he steps closer to you with tentative steps, showing you his flesh hand while keeping the other down just in case, "i'm going to touch you now, okay?"

"okay."

you expect to tense when his fingers begin to splay on your wrist, but it brings a feeling of safety that you recognize. bucky begins to bring your arm down slowly, offering you a soft smile. he does the same to the other arm, observing the details of your face until you suddenly break out into more tears, the fact this still affects you so much is unbelievable to you—so desperately, horrendously unfair that the skin of your cheeks still dries up because of the immense amount of tears that have moistened your face. you fall into bucky's chest and he welcomes you, carefully wrapping his flesh arm around you, pressing kisses onto your head, "it's okay."

"i know you'd never hurt me," you assure in a whimper, "it wasn't—it wasn't you, and it wasn't the arm—" you swear, "it started a while ago, i'm sorry—sorry i didn't tell you, i'm sorry i made you think—"

"you don't need to apologize," bucky guarantees, "it's okay. are you feeling better?"

"i'm so tired," you admit, "i want to sleep, but... i don't want this to happen again." you shut your eyes and nuzzle your face closer to bucky, everything seeming far away in the comfort of his arms, "just please don't leave. please don't think i want you to, i love you so much. all of you."

"never planning to, honey," bucky promises, hesitating before he wraps his vibranium arm around you as well, relaxing when he sees you melt deeper into him, "i love you, too."

squeezing your eyes tighter as if it created a larger barrier between you and your mind, you press yourself closer to bucky's chest, "you make me feel safe." you admit, a promise and an assurance you can make out even when you feel in shambles. for him, who holds onto you like a balloon so you won't float away into the hot depths of your own memories, "you feel safe."

"you'll always be safe with me, sweetheart."