Doctor Who is a British sci-fi show with more than fifty years of history. It's a classic. It's a must. It's my favourite show.

I started watching the show back in my first year in uni because a classmate wouldn't stop twitting about it, so I grew curious. She urged me to watch it and I did and it was love at first sight. That was the starting point in my relationship with this girl. At first we would only talk about Doctor Who and uni but, slowly, our conversation topics expanded. Now she's one of my best friends. I discovered Doctor Who thanks to Moni. We always fangirl over it and we even got Mila into it. Doctor Who is not only my favourite show, it also carries a very special meaning to me.

I'm the kind of person who doesn't just like a show: I obsess over it. I have to know everything about it, I have to always be up to date, I have to get all the merchandise I can afford and always wish for more. I live the full experience and although some might argue it's not healthy, but it makes me happy. I draw strength from those things I love, I hold on to those things with all my being. In those days when everything is pitch black and I can't seem to find a way out, Doctor Who is my only companion. I can forget about my problems, about myself when I'm watching the Doctor in one of his adventures.

I am very conscious that it shouldn't be like that, it's not ideal that a show helps me to keep going when I have people around me, but that it's how it works and I'm no one to judge. This show makes me feel so many things but these things are not my feelings exactly. I can feel happy or miserable because I'm that connected to the characters, so when I'm watching I'm not Maca, the girl who struggles with depression but Maca, the whovian.

One could say it's almost cheating but I don't care. In a way Doctor Who is my anchor.

I always feel a sense of pride when I introduce the show to someone else and it's even better when that someone actually likes it. I feel like I've done something good for the world. Thus, I feel extremely happy that H is watching the show now and likes it, too. I'm so happy that he checked it out although I just mentioned it once. When've been talking for five months already but still, having something else in common like Doctor Who puts me a bit more at ease. If with Moni at first we only talked about Doctor Who, maybe when I meet H and if we don't have anything to say I can always bring up the show and the save the day.

I'm really glad of that day when I left a post it telling him about the show because now we don't only have our love for Doctor Who in common, I'm also going to meet other whovians because of him. I'm so excited!

That day, that week, wasn't the best but I'm very thankful of how things turned out.

• • •

It was one of those weeks, one in which nothing was worth it and I just wanted to give up. When everything was horrible and I couldn't find the light no matter how much I looked for it, although I didn't even want to find the light. I just wanted to be swallowed by the darkness.

One of the perks of having divorced parents and a mother who works all day is that no one else is at home besides Oddie, so if I don't get up and don't go to uni no one will notice. Even more since all my real friends finished the major already. When they were still in uni they would nag me if I didn't show up and text me and ask me what was wrong. Now no one can do that. If I lie and say "yes I went to uni" when Mum is back, no one could say I'm lying. I'm not saying that lying is good or that hiding how you feel would help, but sometimes you just want to be left alone. You don't want people to look at you with worried eyes.

That week was one of those weeks when I wanted to be left alone. I pushed myself to go to class the first two days but by Wednesday I couldn't nor wouldn't go. I just wanted to stay in bed and let the oblivion of dreams take me away. I wanted to forget I had responsibilities, I wanted to forget I had to carry a huge luggage with me all the time. I just wanted peace so I stayed home. Not even knowing that there was a note there waiting for me made me get up. Mum had left early to work so she wouldn't even notice that I didn't get up to go to class and by the time she came back I would tell her that classes had finished earlier and I had taken a nap. I had done that before, I had lied to hide how I really felt.

I slept most part of the day and when I woke up I decided to watch all my favourite episodes of Doctor Who, hoping I would feel better by the time Mum came back.

It didn't work out.

On Thursday I was still feeling like I was being consumed by the darkest part of my mind so I watched the saddest episodes of Doctor Who. From Doomsday to The Angels Take Manhattan, seeking for catharsis. I cried even harder with those episodes, not only because they rip my heart out, but also because I needed to cry for myself without having a particular reason, it's because of everything.

By Friday I forced myself to get up and go to uni just because I had my seminar and I couldn't miss any of those classes if I wanted to deliver my project at the end of the semester and graduate.

On my way I found not one post-it but three, which surprised me. Had no one else found the post-its whilst I stayed home?

I hurried to the bench and picked them all.

No matter how strong the storm is, it'll be over one day (:

That one made me smile at the same time that my heart squeezed. My clinical condition is a storm that will never pass, it'll be a permanent cloud on top of my head regardless of how bright the sun is shining ahead of me.

Maca, are you all right? Where are you? Why didn't you pick the post-it?

My surprise at that post-it manifested in a loud gasp. That was strictly addressed to me, contrary to most of the notes that always kept a general addressee.

My stranger had noticed my absence and was worried about me. I thought that with my friends away no one else would notice if I skipped classes. I didn't imagine my stranger would react like this.

The other note surprised me ever further.

Maca, I'm really worried. I pray you're all right and I'm just overreacting but I... have a bad feeling.

I hope I can hear of you soon. It's not the same without your replies.

My heart squeezed in a different way after reading those words because in just a few sentences I actually felt his concern. I felt terrible for making him worry at the same time that an inappropriate feeling of joy sneaked inside my heart because he cared enough as to leave those notes. A complete stranger whose name I even didn't know.

I wanted to cry although it wasn't even a big deal. It wasn't like I disappeared for months or stood him up, yet I still felt guilty.

I left the bench with a heavy heart instead of a smile for the first time since I had found the first note, three months ago.

During the whole day I kept thinking of the notes and his words, wondering how I should reply. I couldn't just tell him the truth and make him worry even more.

On my way back I still wasn't sure of how to reply so I ended up lying.

I'm so sorry! We didn't have classes the past two days because of meetings. I stayed home watching Doctor Who the whole day hehehe

I was far from laughing or sounding cheerful, but after worrying him already with my absence I couldn't possibly tell him that I was having a relapse and I had been at home avoiding reality whilst drowning in my own misery. I felt bad for lying but that was better than telling him the ugly truth.

I conformed myself telling that there was no way he could know I was lying, plus ignorance is bliss.

I left the note and went back home but during the whole weekend I kept thinking of the note I left and the lies within. Guilt was laughing at me and tormenting me with anxiety. By Monday I woke up earlier and almost ran to the bench, not knowing what I wanted to find. By the time I got there the yellow piece of paper was shining like a little sun burning bright only for me. I grabbed it with my usual shaking hands and hurried to read it.

Oh so it was that. I guess it makes sense. Anyhow, is Doctor Who any good? If it kept you entertained for two days it must be.

Have a good day, Maca! (:

I didn't know whether to feel happy that he bought my lie or disappointed because he did. But what was I expecting? That he could tell a lie from a few words on a post-it? That was impossible. Yet my heart still felt heavy and to ignore that weird feeling I focused on the safe and good thing: Doctor Who. I wrote my reply right there although I pasted it on my way back from classes that day so I would reduce the chances of someone else finding it.

Oh it's just the best show ever! My absolute favourite.

And that was the only time we talked about Doctor Who. He never mentioned it again so I always assumed he didn't check it out. I was mistaken and today I'm so happy to know he actually started watching it and fell in love with it. Something good came out of my lie. Even today I still feel guilty for having lied to him, but if I could barely find the words to tell my friends about my true feelings, there was no way I could tell a stranger about it and even less through post-its left for anyone to find. I wasn't even completely honest with my therapist. If I fooled him to believe I was a way more stable person, of course I had to fool everybody else.

•••

Now, as I walk towards the other whovians I don't feel the weight of my depression so heavy on me. It's not that I'm suddenly better because I'm doing all this, oh hell no. I can't get cured and it's not that simple, but sometimes you can feel better.

Being depressed doesn't mean you can't be happy because happiness is not a constant state. Roughly speaking, depression just makes it hard for you to ever feel happy but it's possible. As for right now I feel happy, I feel excited and because of that I fight all the darkness that constantly lies within me. And that's living with depression, a constant fight against a strong part of you. Some days you are stronger, some days you're weaker.

My thoughts get cut off when I realise I've arrived to my destination, a small café almost hidden from the public eye and I know I'm in the right place because outside there's a tall guy wearing a blue stripped suit with a red tie and red converses.

Ten cosplay!

-:-:-

You got the goal! Thank you :D I hope you enjoyed the update. 321 votes again for a new update. Remember that best comment gets dedication.

Bel, xx

PS: I wanted to dedicate this chapter to two people but I can only give one so to acknoledge both amazing comments, shout out to @yasminfathalla and @spiritwolf1300