He had given me his address a while ago, the night everything had fallen apart. But as I stared at his house now, I wondered if this was my smartest idea.

As I pondered the alternative of going back home without settling this, I found myself opening the car door and getting out.

I didn't text or call him to let him know I was coming. I figured I'd just show up, hope he was there, and talk this out. Because once we did, I would know what I want. If I saw him once more, after what we did that night, without the alcohol... we could know for sure what was going on here. If I didn't see him once more, I knew a part of my heart would always wonder about what we could have had.

But as I walked up to his door, hand raised to knock, a kicking in my stomach pulled me to a stop.

My heart thudded in my chest as I placed my hand on my stomach.

Is this a sign to turn around? I wondered.

Babies... kick again if I should.

I waited and waited, but nothing happened.

And so I knocked.

I began to wonder if he wasn't home. Or if he had looked out, saw me, and decided he no longer wanted to see me. But as I was just about to give up, the door opened.

"Lily," Tyler said, blinking.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" I asked, taking in this messy hair and half-closed eyes.

"No," he yawned, then grinned. "Well yeah, but I accidentally fell asleep on the couch. What are you doing here?"

"Um... I was wondering if we can talk?"

Stepping aside from the doorway, he replied, "Of course. Come in."

As I walked into his living room, and he seemed unphased by my sudden appearance at his doorstep, a part of me began to wonder if he hadn't even remembered what we did.

Glancing around the messy kitchen and living space, my brows furrowed. Noticing this, he said, "Sorry. My housemates and I aren't the best at cleaning up..."

Cory was a tidy person. He had a stable income. Looking at the empty beer bottles lining the kitchen counter, the unwashed dishes in the sink, the bong sitting on the coffee table, I realised I didn't know Tyler too well at all. And this certainly wasn't an environment to bring a child up in.

"Take a seat on the couch and I'll be with you in a moment," he said. "I'll just clean up some things."

The first thing he did was grab the bong and hide it in the kitchen cupboard. As I listened to him grabbing things, washing dishes, binning bottles, I let my eyes glance over his living room. A second-hand couch, a coffee table covered in grime, an Xbox still set up, ready to play. Cords haphazardly thrown about. A floor that looked like it hadn't been vacuumed in months...

Would I really want to trade my life with Cory for this? For a potentially fleeting crush? For the chance to experience something new while I was still young?

Tyler sat down next to me on the couch, pulling me from my cycle of thoughts. He was right next to me, instead of taking a place on the other end. But he wasn't too close. He gave me just enough room so that I would have to bridge any gaps in proximity.

"So," he started when I made no move to speak. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Um," I started, biting my lip as I looked at my lap. Did he forget what happened? When he sought me out at uni, was it just as a friendship? "Do you remember what happened that night?" I finally asked, meeting his curious gaze.

His lips pressed together and brows furrowed. "Are you referring to our kiss?"

My stomach flipped at his mention of the word. And his memory of it. I nodded.

"How could I possibly forget? I mean, I imagine it was horrible for you considering I was plastered but... that's not something I can just forget no matter how drunk I was. It was everything I had wanted, Lily..."

Feeling the flush overcome my face, I looked away again, not sure what I wanted to say next. Not sure what I could. 

The resurfacing of memories playing in my head had my heart beating rapidly in my chest. Had me wanting to do it again. I had come here to sought my feelings, but my heart was telling me I still wanted this guy. And my brain, knowing the state of this house, insisted it would be a terrible idea. That I'd regret giving up the stability of Cory, the relationship I had built with my babies' father for someone who'd grow tired of me. For someone who evidently lived a party lifestyle. Who would never be able to fit into the life of children at his age.

I mean, what would I expect? Bringing my babies here, breast feeding them while Tyler and his mates play Xbox? While they crack open a cold one? While they go out clubbing?

"I'm sorry," he then said after endless silence from me, pulling me from my spiralling thoughts once more. Curiously, I turned to look at him, but his gaze was on the ground. "I didn't mean to mess up your relationship. I don't regret it. I still want you. And I'm still head over heels for you, Lily. But I should have thought. I can't blame it on the alcohol as much as I want to, because I had been thinking about just kissing you all this time to see if you'd leave him for me..."

"Tyler," I whispered, finding my voice. "I really like you. But I also love Cory and he and I go way back. And we are having two babies together—"

"I know that and I'm so sorry—"

I held my hand up, cutting him off. "I love him but... the passion is gone. To be honest, it was fleeting even before I met you. I do like you. And I think that like is stronger than what I have for Cory at the moment."

His hopeful eyes met mine, hand reaching across the space and grabbing mine in his. The corners of his lips turned upwards. I let him lace my fingers through mine, even though I knew my next words would see him break.

I mean, really... Could Tyler even change a nappy? Would he even be able to deal with a crying baby, let alone two?

It would be stupid to follow my heart. Impractical. Even if the part of me who loved Cory had dimmed and was replaced by Tyler... I had to give up that fantasy.

"But leaving him would be stupid," I said.

And then his face fell. But his hand remained in mine.

"My life is already a big mess. It's only going to get messier... literally. With like poop, and vomit, and breast milk, and bottles, and nappies and... well I'm sure you know from your sister." My free hand came to my stomach, rubbing it as the hope of meeting them began to swell in my heart. It was a terrifying thought yet, at the same time, I could feel my love and excitement for them starting to grow. The way it should have before I got into this mess. "I just think throwing away a relationship for someone I barely know, someone who is young and still has their whole life ahead of them—regardless of how I feel—would be stupid."

"Stupid for your babies?" he asked.

I nodded.

"But what about you, Lily?"

I shrugged. "I think love is a silly thing we hope and dream for it when we are young and naive. And then when we grow up... sometimes our heart needs to think alongside our brain. While you're new and exciting... will that disappear with time? How much of my mess would you even be able to handle? What type of relationship begins with me birthing two children who aren't yours?"

"I don't care about that, Lily. I understand what I'd be getting into. Trust me. I have thought long and hard about this. And yes every single friend of mine has advised me against it. My sister also warned me not to." My heart was flipping at the idea he had discussed me with others. That what was going on between us didn't just exist in our small space. "And I know that you have a whole relationship with him to sort out and children on the way and—"

"But you don't understand. You're a single, twenty-year-old guy who has only had to deal with a baby through your sister. Small baby sitting experiences." I glanced around the room. "This is a lifestyle you'd have to give up for me. And I'm not prepared to make you give up your youth just because I'm scared of giving up mine."

He gripped onto my hand more tightly and shuffled closer, resting his free hand over the one on my stomach. "I can be the guy you need, Lily. I don't want to replace Cory as their father. But I'll be a good adult figure for them. I'll help you raise them. I'll change their nappies and—"

"Tyler, this isn't how relationships are supposed to start. You're supposed to date for a while, move in together, maybe get married, maybe get a pet and then—"

"Who says?"

"What?"

"Who says they have to go that way? That's just some stupid societal nonsense we're forced to believe. Because our parents did, does that mean we should? Because books and movies say that's the way? Because religions say it's the way?"

Not too long ago, before he even knew I was pregnant, he was saying otherwise... Shaking my head, I went to speak, but he cut me off again.

"Relationships are formed when two people like each other. I like you. I've never felt this strongly about someone before and I know it's stupid to say. I know getting involved with you is not just going to be about just us. I know it means getting to know you, getting to know two children who aren't mine, and even having some form of distant relationship with Cory. But if you like me and I like you then why should we let that stop us?"

"I need stability, Tyler. My life is about to get crazy. I never thought I would have a baby at twenty, let alone two. I'm absolutely terrified and I need to be with Cory—"

"Even if you don't love him?"

"I do love him."

"But you're not in love with him. And you like me."

My heart sank as he voiced the very words I had been avoiding admitting. But then I nodded. I accepted what had happened. I loved Cory, but I wasn't in love with him... "I'll grow to like him again," I whispered, but I knew it was a lie.

"That's not fair on him," he said, the second person to voice this to me. "Not fair on you, on me, on him, or those children."

I felt like a child having everyone spell this out to me. I felt stupid. I felt dumb. And I had no idea what the right thing to do was. Which was why, at once, I felt the sobs burst out of me. Immediately, Tyler wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest as he stroked my hair.

"I know it hurts the idea of letting someone go that you love. And I want to be that guy, jealous and asking you to renounce your feelings for him. I want to be that guy who says it's wrong to cry in front of me about another guy but... as I said. I know that getting involved with you is backwards from normal. That we are going to have a lot of hurdles people first dating wouldn't have. But I'm prepared to do it because I really really like you Lily. And I'd hate myself if I didn't fight for that until my last chance. And I know you're going to hurt and wonder if you made the right choice if you did pick me for a long while. I am prepared to accept that some days you might hate me for it or hate yourself for it. But it will get easier. And I truly believe you and I were always meant to meet."

Pulling back from him, I felt my bottom lip quiver.

His thumb gently stroked my cheeks, wiping away the wetness. "I'll be here every step of the way. I won't get in the way of places Cory needs to be. I'll be there to help you get used to the life without him. But we will also make new memories of just us together. And I promise you I will love your kids—his kids. I just want to be with you."

"But why?" I found myself croaking.

Chuckling, he said, "I could say all the generic things like you're pretty and smart and blah blah. But to be honest, Lily... I know we have similar and dissimilar interests. I know we are at different stages of life. But I also know that when you walk into a room, when I take one look at you, my life lights up. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, with you there, everything is painted in a golden hue. And I think that's how it's meant to be when you really like someone."

And so my only response to that was to wind my arms around him and pull his mouth to mine.

We kissed and kissed until the light in the room began to dim.

And then when we finally broke apart, gasping for air, my heart rejoicing in the feeling, screaming this was right, that he was right, I then said, "I'm sorry. But I have to pick him."