An early upload? WHAAAT?

Read the note at the end if you're curious why I'm uploading today.

Shout out to the following people for always voting: @jueka1 @Roseanncharn123 @amiva0402 @kjlawler 

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One by one, I folded my shirts and placed them in my suitcase. When I was finished with them, I moved onto my pants. And then my underwear.

My whole suitcase was packed and wheeled into the living room by the time she finally came home.

Brown eyes landing on me first, immediately they began to drift to the suitcase.

"What are you doing?" she asked, voice fearful.

"Sit down," I said quietly, heart still removed of emotion. Talking to anyone but her was easy. But even still, even though I was worried how what I was about to tell her would hurt her, it was hard to be strong for her. Hard to show any emotion in case she ripped that up too.

Slowly, she walked through the room, taking a seat on the couch beside me where I had also sat down. Her breaths had become rapid, her eyes frantic as she looked at me. Nonetheless, she wasn't crying.

I grabbed her hand in mine and said, "Lily, breathe. It's okay."

Bottom lip trembling, she closed her eyes, grip tightening on mine as she took steady breaths. Once she seemed to have calmed down, she then said, "Are you leaving me?"

"For now, yes," I replied. "I think we both need space while we think about this. I know you hate me ignoring you while living in the same house but I'm not ready to talk about it all, Lils. And I need time still to process what I want. All we will do now if we talk is fight." I had rehearsed these sentences multiple times with Courtney, who listened for a good couple of hours about everything that happened. I had let out all my feelings. She watched me finally break down. Then walked me through all my possible options from here. Of them all, this seemed the best. The easiest.

"And then what? You leave and that's it?"

"I'm never leaving your life, no matter what, Lily. You know that. How you and I continue to be involved with each other on a romantic level is something we both need to do some soul-searching on. For now, I want to go home. Be with my mum and sister while we both have some space to reflect on what we want. But if you need me to come around to set up the crib when it arrives, just let me know. I'll still cover the rent here, so don't worry about that. And I'm going to be at every single appointment. I just can't share a bed with you." I was doing great at remaining calm until my last sentence, when my voice finally cracked. Sucking in my bottom quivering lip, I turned my head, closed my eyes, and took some steady breaths until the stinging sensation in my eyes subsided.

"Then we can set up the spare room."

"I need space, Lily."

She shook her head. "I want you."

"Do you though? Or are you still fully making that decision because of our children?"

"I—"

I shook my head then cut her off. "I don't want to talk about it all now. Let's not say anything more on the matter and risk hurting each other more or saying things we don't mean. Let's take a while to get some space and think this over."

When she went quiet, eyes turned downwards, I began to accept that she wasn't going to reject my decision this time.

"I called Casey. She's going to stay the night with you so that you can adjust easier."

"How long?" she whispered.

"How long what?"

"When will you come home?"

"Well... that depends on whether that's what we both want in the end."

"I want that."

"Lily—"

"I choose you, Cory. I will always choose you."

"Because of the babies."

I wanted her to say no. I wanted her to follow up with that she's in love with me and I'm what her heart wants. But her fearful eyes told me all I needed to know. Yes... Because of the babies.

I began retracting my hand from hers.

"Please stay," she whispered. "I promise I will never mess up again."

"It's not about what you did, Lily. It's about what you feel. It's about what is happening to us."

"I can make this right. I can—"

"Where have you been all afternoon?" I demanded. I had promised myself I wouldn't ask this. Even Courtney told me not to when I called Casey and she said she had seen Lily today. That Lily had taken off in a rush to meet me. But Lily wasn't home when I got there...

She was quiet for an immeasurable amount of time. Gaze focussed on my chest instead of my eyes, she finally looked at me. "Where I shouldn't have been," she whispered.

Nodding, I did my best to suppress the stinging in my eyes once more. After another deep breath, I said, "Exactly my point. We need space to figure out what we want."

"I told him I choose you."

"Yeah? That all that happened?"

When she looked down, my heart sank even more.

I didn't want to ask these questions. I didn't want to ask what she had done, because that would make any end bitter. The less I knew, the better. The more space we had to come together with clear minds, without resentment, the more chance we might have to mend things. But I was giving myself more reasons to despise her by blurting out my suspicions.

"I love you, Lily. I always will—"

"And I love—"

I held my hand up, cutting her off. "Always will. But if you're looking over your shoulder and want something else, I can't let our children be the only reason you stay with me. And, to be honest, I deserve to be loved unconditionally. I don't want fleeting relationships anymore. I want a proper, committed relationship. And it's thanks to you that I want that. You taught me how amazing it is to be in love with someone and only have them... Even if you end up breaking me like every girl has before."

"That's not fair. You—"

"No accusations, please. We can talk it all out later."

"When?" she whispered again. "When can we talk?"

"I don't know how long we are going to need... I guess, at least two weeks?"

"Two weeks?"

"As I said before, you will still see me before then. We have the next ultrasound this Friday."

"So you'll just show up to that and that's that?"

"Not exactly. We have to pick out some final furniture. Set up the nursery. Pick names..."

"So you will help me set up a nursery in a house that you're abandoning?"

"Now that's not fair," I replied, stealing her line.

She pressed her lips together this time, half glaring at me, half on the cusp of breaking into sobs.

Even though I knew it would hurt, even though it would feel like knives piercing my heart, I didn't want my last memory with Lily to be us fighting. So I closed the distance between us, pulling her to my chest, and held her close. She immediately wrapped her arms around me and began to sob.

"None of that," I said. "I deserve to be the one crying."

"Then cry," she choked. "Scream at me. Call me all sorts of horrible names. Just don't leave."

I did my best to not shake, but the tears began to spill. "This should be a wonderful time for us, bringing two humans into the world, Lily. We shouldn't be spending it in agony. Making a decision about us will be easier if we have a break and find a little joy for the meantime."

And even though I could have gone on holding her forever, despite that it felt like holding onto a searing iron, burning me from the inside out, I let her go.

But I didn't pull back all the way. I brushed away the tears on her face, letting my eyes fall briefly to her lips. Then the image of her kissing him flashed in my brain. The question about whether she has kissed him since popped in my head. So instead, I pressed my lips to her forehead and then got to my feet.

"See you Friday, Lily. And, as I said, let me know if you need anything."

She said something after that, but I was unable to take any of it in anymore. It was like a wall had clouded around me. As my hand found the handle of my suitcase, my steps felt achingly heavy and slow as I walked out of our house. Out of our life we had built together. Away from the bedroom we had made our babies. Away from the showers we had shared, singing all sorts of songs. The couch we had binged many shows together. The kitchen we danced in while waiting for our food to cook in the oven.

Then I closed the door behind me, a fleeting question lingering in my mind as to whether I would share a bed with her again. Whether I'd ever come back to this home.

But I left those questions with her and walked to my car.