So the time had passed pretty faster than I imagined. Next thing I knew... here I was, in the middle of a busy airport skipping school with Billie to say goodbye to my mom as she boarded a plane going to Rome with some dude with a generic ass name.

I sat on some seats with Billie whist my mom and Dave were grabbing some food. They were due to board their flight in around forty minutes.

"Y'know... you don't seem too bothered to say you're saying goodbye to your mom today," Billie randomly spoke out. As he turned his head to look at me.

I gave him an unconfident shrug. "I mean it's not like she's dying,"

"Well no, course not- thats not what I mean, but you won't be seeing her for God knows how long after this,"

"I guess I'm use to saying bye to her and being with out her for periods of time. It's just not exactly kicked in yet the fact that it wont just be maybe two weeks. But... well- like you said, God knows,"

He nodded, before my mom strolled in the front of us.

I straightened up from slouching in the chair. "Did you get me anything?"

"Blaze it's not you boarding the flight,"

"So? I still need to eat,"

"I told you to eat before we left," Billie mumbled at a level of volume he knew only I would hear, still not disguising his 'I told you so' tone.

"I wasn't hungry then,"

My mom just rolled her eyes before daring to pull out a sandwich and eat it in front of me.

"Do I have one?"

"Blaze Joy, get your own,"

"I see," I mumbled, slouching back down again meeting Billie's terrible posture in the chair. "Leaving me for Rome with Dave but can't even buy me a sandwhich for being here to say goodbye... I see,"

I heard Billie snigger beside me slightly. My mom clicked her tongue rolling her eyes as she sat down beside me. "Now where is Dave?"

"Hopefully buying me a sandwhich,"

"Blaze, be quiet,"

"But I'm-"

"-I don't care, sh!"

I didn't say anything else. Apart from looking over at Billie and widening my eyes, as if to say 'Jeez' at him. He shook his head smiling, before nudging me with his shoulder playfully. Obviously just as bored as I was. I smiled, shoving him back.

Which escalated in a shoulder badging match as we waited for Dave. Going back and forth shoving one another, until Billie shoved me too hard and I slipped off the seat straight onto the airport floor.

"Blaze Joy!" My mom hushed embarrassed. "Get up now! What are you doing on the floor!"

"Did you not just see Billie shove me!?"

Billies mouth gaped open offendedly. "We was shoving each other!"

"You started it!"

"Blaze!" My mom interrupted. "Up!"

I scowled pushing myself up off the floor. Sitting back down next to Billie as my mom looked around for Dave once more.

"Sorry," Billie whispered.

I looked over him, smiling slightly. "Got me in trouble,"

"Shouldn't have fell on the floor,"

My mom breathed out impatiently. Rolling her head back emphasising her lack of patience. "Both of you, behave. I'm going to go look for Dave."

Billie looked over at me, I didn't say anything to her. She walked away, obviously looking around for her lover.

"Y'know what," I mumbled, my eyes on my mother who was still wandering. "I'm glad with my choices,"

"Huh?"

"I'm glad I didn't make her stay,"

"Why? Cause you can see how dependent she is on Dave looking around for him aimlessly in a big airport to escort them both back to Rome?"

I laughed slightly. "No, not cause of Dave,"

"Why then?"

"She's... y'know..." I breathed in, finally looking away at other people wandering around and at Billie. It was kinda time to come to terms with my moms behaviour and admit. "She's a bad mom,"

He scrunched his eyebrows. "What?"

"She's leaving me, to go to Rome. Y'know what she'll do there?"

"What?"

"She'll have another child. And that kids gonna have their mom like I never did. She picked a man over me- she picked Rome over me. She'll pick anything over me. She's a bad mother,"

Billie sighed, I felt his shoulder brush me as he sat up. Straightening his posture as my head leaned on his arm as I still slouched. "In the nicest way ever Birdie. Everyone can see your moms a bad mom,"

"Huh?"

"You don't think Eden's said it before?"

"What?"

"Well, y'know when you go home?"

"Uhuh?"

"Eden comes in, and she says. 'Blaze has gone back home,' and my mom asks. 'Is her mom back yet?'. And y'wanna know what Eden's response always is?"

"Is it no?"

He nodded, straightening his lips. "You were my sisters best friend at the time, and that's all you were of course. But I felt bad. It cross my mind even when no one would mention it. I'd look at you and think 'she raised herself.' And it- it's crazy you had to do that,"

I nodded, looking away from up at him. "I did raise myself- didn't I?"

"You act like you don't need anyone because you never have needed anyone. Your mom- I know you love her. And I know she loves you. I don't doubt the love. But she makes bad choices. She's a selfish person. And you keep trying to be selfish. But you can't,"

The truth was: I'd learnt things my own way. Sometimes I do things wrong, or I do things a specifically odd way because no one was there to teach me the right way.

The only thing my mom had taught me was ignorance and greed.

I grew up trying to be like her. As a child the maths is if she cares for herself so much she'll love a mini version. She didn't.

Sometimes I try to be selfish. I try to be like my mom, but inside I can't.

I wanted to keep my mom here with me, but I couldn't. I wanted Billie to myself, I didn't want him to be with Mave. But I was okay with letting him go. It's inevitable.

"She treats me like a child," I mumbled. "Did you hear the way she spoke to me? 'Blaze joy, get up off the floor now'. Like I'm six?"

"She doesn't realise you've grown up,"

"She never will, she'll always treat me like I'm forever six,"

"Good thing she's going to Rome then huh?"

I laughed, finally sitting up. "Your right,"

Finally, my mom came back over with Dave beside her. The both of them giggling richly over something, I had no clue. My moms hand securely grabbed the handle of her suite case before she took in a deep breath looking over at Billie and I. "Our flights soon,"

"Is it so?"

"I want no tears Blazey. Think you can do that?"

I sniggered. "Oh, I'll have to try,"

Billie and I stood up, making our way over to say goodbye to my mom and- well Dave, before they'd board their one way plane to Rome.

I'd never seen the women so happy. There was a slight bounce in her step, she was humming under her breath gliding the suitcase behind her. Make no mistake, David was also as thrilled to steal my mom.

"Flight seventeen will be taking off soon. If passengers would like to aboard the plane thank you,"

"That's us!" My mom squealed to Dave as we continued to walk.

After making it finally, we were caught in a line of people holding their suitcases ready to board the same plane.

Their luggage was checked of course, having to re walk through a large scanner.

"Are you going to miss me?" My mom asked me, standing beside me as she bumped me slightly with her hip.

"What sort of question is that?"

"Pardon?"

"Why would you ask me if I'm going to miss you before you leave?"

She looked down at me taken back. "I was- just asking Blaze- no need to speak to rudely,"

I rolled my eyes, looking away from her as I crossed my arms. "Yes. Mom," I mumbled. "I'll miss you,"

From the side of my eyes, she slowly looked away from me back forward. "Thanks...?"

All of us were silent, I looked down at the plane ticket pinched gently in between my moms finger. God forgive she even creased it slightly. I felt another pair of eyes on me as I stared at the ticket, I looked to the other side of me up at Billie who'd caught me staring down at her hand.

"What's up?" He whispered confused.

I shook my head.

Listening over hearing everybody else ready to board chatter in excitement. After zoning out, I'd realised we were third in line. Realising after my mom turned to me.

"I'll have to say goodbye now Blazey," She spoke up.

I looked up. "Now?"

She nodded. "I'll call you when we land if you want?"

It felt- a little almost like. She was just salt. Sprinkling into my wounds.

Who asks a child if they'll miss their mom before they leave? Taunting her absence on me? Who tells a child not to cry before their mom leaves them for a man? Who rubs salt in a wound by saying they'll call you after choice fully leaving you?

I often thought I was a bad kid. That's why she never wanted me.

"That's alright," I smiled. "I'll probably be busy,"

But today I realised. She was the bad one.

"Are you sure?" She asked confused. "I- I can ring you if you want?"

"I'll be busy-"

"-it'll be a quick call I won't take much time-"

"-I know,"

"So shall I call you?"

"No, that's alright,"

"Blaze I-"

"-Ma'am," The ticket women cut my mom off. She looked infront, the both of us suprised to find we were at the front of the line.

She looked back at me as I looked at her.

"I'll call you," She told me. Letting go of her suite case handle. She stretched her arms out open for me to pull myself into.

I hugged her loosely, feeling her grip tighten on me. She squeezed me tight, her head resting on me as she pulled me closely.

After a moment I pulled myself off. "Your flight mom," I told her.

"Right." She nodded, moving her hair out her face. "I'm going now Blaze. Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

I looked at Billie. Who looked at me before I looked back at her.

I could've said so much. But the time was limited, and I frankly don't think she deserved to understand so easily the way I feel. "No,"

"No?"

"Sweetie," Dave said loudly to her.

"Yes! One second!"

"Ma'am, If you're boarding you'll need to hurry,"

My mom looked behind at everyone else waiting. Back at me. "Alright- well, I'll speak to you soon,"

I nodded. "Bye mom,"

"I love you Blazey,"

"Love you too," I sighed.

I stepped out of line over at Billie who had already previously moved. Watching my mom as she nervously handed the ticket over to the lady. Looking back at me and smiling with a deathly pitiful grin.

"You alright?" Billie whispered in my ear.

I nodded.

She pulled her suitcase, bedside Dave, looking back at me and smiling fakely. Mouthing the words goodbye and I love you.

All I did was wave back. Until she accepted that was all she was getting. And walked through the doorway. Out of my sight.

Billie didn't say anything, neither did I. For a moment all I heard was Billie breathing behind me and my own breath.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to feel. I didn't feel anything.

Was I happy she was gone? No. Course not. But was I upset? Not much.

The most painful part of it all was really just seeing her try.

But today I felt relieved of the closure I spent my childhood searching for. All those times I was such a small child sat alone in my room trying to come to an answer why my mom liked all those men more than me.

Why she loved every place but her own home where I'd be waiting for her.

Why she would take any opportunity to have her fun instead of sharing mine with that little me who was always ready to offer it.

And the answer wasn't what I thought. I always looked for a reason in myself.

"How you feeling Birdie?"

But my answer was found in her. And that answer simply was: that's just the way she is.

She's a good women, but a bad mom.

And I think my answer is as simple as: some women just aren't meant to be moms.

I breathed, turning around to him. He looked at me worried on what I would say. His eyes squinting. I gave him a smile. "I'm feeling hungry, can I get a sandwich?"