I couldn't even tell you what I did the days after the fight in the middle of Jackson Street. That's because I really didn't do much of anything besides sleep, snack and watch tv. The first four days I didn't even leave my room unless it was to make myself something to eat. My mom didn't question me, I don't think she had to. Her mom senses were probably tingling the moment she stood on the other side of my door that day. Besides, with our relationship as good as it is, she knew that I'd probably come to her at some point– I always do.

I haven't talked to anyone from the losers club besides Bill, Bev, and Stan. Stan, only because he came to my house to hand me an invitation to his Bar Mitzvah. That conversation didn't surpass 'how are you,' but I couldn't act like I was surprised. If anyone was in more denial that what had happened to us was real– it was Stan. Sometimes, I wish it was that easy for me to shut off and deny all of the things that I saw and experienced...but I can't. It's been two weeks and I can still picture every single detail clearly as if it was happening over again.

The three of us hung out only a couple of times since the club disbanded. The first time, Bill was going on and on about what we needed to do in order to stop the clown. Different approaches, ways to defend ourselves and how we could kill it– stopping it's feasting and 27-year ordeal. The second time, Bev and I could begin to see how the planning was impossible for the three of us to do without the rest of our group– there was just no way we could overpower it alone. Bill could tell we doubted what he had planned, and while he didn't admit it...we knew it hurt him. 

He probably thought we were going to abandon him too– just like the others. Every time we hung out, there was always that feeling in the air that one of us was thinking about the damn clown. It felt as if the thought would never leave us, now that we've seen what we've seen– and I don't know if I was the only one thinking it, but I couldn't help but wonder...

Who's IT coming after next?

We tried to cycle through whose houses we'd hang out at every time we hung out. Obviously, due to her father, Bev's place was out of the question. So it was always between my house or Bill's. Of course though, being 13-year-old kids, sometimes while it does seem like the most appealing option– you can't stay inside all day. So we'd take our bikes and ride around town, sometimes with a destination in mind, most times not. We'd just ride down the streets aimlessly. 

Though we'd coincidentally avoid the synagogue where Stan would be everyday practicing his speech for his Bar Mitzvah, the library where Ben would probably be researching more things besides Derry, the arcade where Richie could waste his days away if allowed, the Hanlon family farm where Mike would be working alongside his Grandfather and of course, Keene's pharmacy and Jackson Street, the place where Eddie would be spending what could be the rest of his life is Aunt Sonia wanted him to.

Even then things started to get a little boring, none of us wanted to admit it though. We didn't want to go our separate ways and end our summer alone. Today's adventure took us to the quarry for a swim, but when we got there– we weren't the only ones. We looked down at the water to see none other than Vic, Henry and Belch with some girls I didn't recognize, all swimming in the water. So it was safe to say that swimming wasn't on the agenda anymore.

That's when Bill brought up the old baseball field in town. While we didn't have any intentions of playing– there was really nothing else to do, so Bev and I agreed to check it out. When we got there, there was a little league game going on, but it was just ending. We sat out by a tree, watching the kids play until the game was over and everyone had left. When the field was clear, we brought our bikes to the dugout and walked in– sitting in the shade again.

"My dad would take G-Georgie and me here when we were l-l-little," Bill said, walking up to the short dugout fence and resting his arms on the metal bars, "said we'd have to p-p-practice if we wanted to be m-major le-leaguers. Georgie wanted to be a major l-l-leaguer."

Bev and I shared a sad look. I guess we both thought that this could be a place where we could all clear our minds, but we didn't think about how hard that'd be for Bill. Everywhere he looked, it seemed as if there was always something that reminded him of his little brother. I stood up and walked out of the dugout and onto the dirt field, picking up some small rocks and holding them in my hand. "My dad would take us to Dodger games almost every weekend whenever they were home. Benny and I were obsessed," I threw a rock as hard as I could towards the outfield, watching it bounce in the grass. "whenever we'd play in the backyard, he'd always make me be Orel Hershiser and he'd be Steve Garvey, even after his trade to San Diego. I didn't mind though, Orel Hershiser is one of my favorites."

"Did you ever play little league?" Bill asked, looking at me.

I shook my head and threw another rock. "For a little, but then they tried pushing me over to softball when I was 10 and I wanted no part of that." I looked down at the last rock in my hand and played with it. "I miss going to Dodgers games with my dad though. He made it a lot of fun, always goofing off when the 7th inning stretch came on."

Bill reached his hand out over the fence and I dropped the rock into his hand. He looked at it and held it for a few seconds before turning towards the backstop and throwing it at a league rules sign, hitting it directly. "My dad used to be fun." He walked back towards the dugout bench, plopping down next to Bev.

I looked over at the backstop and laughed at the memory of the last time we were here. It was in our early group phases before Mike joined us. We had just wandered by the field right as a practice had ended and the team left behind some of their gear. Richie insisted we play, but we really didn't have enough people– so we decided to take turns and pitch to one another instead.

That was a really fun day. I can still picture Eddie cowering behind the dugout fence, scared that the ball would hit him. It took a lot of convincing to get him to finally come and swing the bat– aka Richie calling him a pussy so many times that it finally agitated him– but when he did, he actually got a hit. Which, was more than Richie did. Every swing he had was...downright ugly. He'd either swing too high, too low or spin himself around completely. When he finally gave up, I believe he said something along the lines of:

'When I'm rich and famous, who gives a fuck if I can hit a shitty ball into some shitty grass.'

Richie never failed to make any of us laugh. Sure he was pretty crude and annoying most of the time he opened his mouth– but we couldn't deny him the fact that he actually made it fun whenever we all hung out together. I sighed and turned back to face them both. "It's not the same..."

"What's not?" Bill asked as he and Bev looked at me.

"This," I said, waving my arms around before letting them drop. "hanging out, just the three of us, it's not the same as when it was eight...the losers club."

Bill's mouth tightened into a straight line. "Yeah, well they c-c-chose what they did."

"Only because they were scared! I know we were all scared, but suggesting that we go back and hunt down a clown that almost killed us all, probably wasn't the best idea."

He stood up and stared at me. "So what are you saying? A-A-are you saying that I sh-should just give up too?"

"Bill..." Bev said, standing up beside him and holding onto his arm.

"Just give up on G-G-Georgie like everyone else? Like my friends? Or my p-p-parents?" I could see how emotional he was getting and I felt really bad.

I didn't want to make Bill upset, it was really the last thing I wanted to do. "No, that's not what I'm saying, I just–"

"No," he snatched his arm out of Bev's hold and walked out of the dugout. "Out of all people, I thought you'd understand how I fe-feel. But I can see I w-w-was wrong."

"Bill!" I called out, watching as he ran out of the dugout and grabbed his bike. "Bill wait! It's not what I meant!"

Bev and I ran out of the dugout to see Bill riding back towards his house, leaving us behind. "Maybe we should just give him some time..." Bev said, causing me to turn to her. "Why don't we go to my house, we can just hang out. My dad shouldn't be home for a few hours. I think he even bought some ice cream, we could have some of that?"

"Yeah," I nodded, smiling weakly. "that sounds good."

We left the baseball field and grabbed our bikes. Bev didn't live too far away from the field, but we took a longer way to her place. I guess she thought that a little fresh air would do me some good before we shoved ice cream down our throats. By the time we reached her apartment, I had my fill of fresh air and was just really excited to relax and enjoy the summertime treat. We walked through the front entrance of the old building and up the stairs to her front door. Bev unlocked the front door and walked in. "Just go ahead and head to my room, I'll grab the ice cream."

I walked through the apartment, taking my time to just really look around. I almost forgot how lonely being in this place made me feel– even when the last time I was here I had six other people with me. There were no family pictures, not even pictures of Bev from when she was little. Just...blank walls with old wallpaper decorating it. I guess I just wonder how this place could feel like home when it looks as if no one really lived here anyway. I walked down the hall and pushed open her bedroom door. It was how any teenage girls room would be decorated. Some posters on the wall, curtains over the windows– her bedroom looked homier than the rest of her apartment did. I walked into her room and plopped down onto the bed, falling back and staring at the ceiling. "I just got so tired all of a sudden, holy shit."

"Well don't go to sleep yet," Bev said, walking into the room holding an ice cream tub and two spoons. "bon appétit."

"Ugh, you're a lifesaver you know that?" I sighed, sitting up and taking a spoon from her. She opened up the tub and took the first spoonful. I dug my spoon into frozen rocky road deliciousness and brought my spoonful into my mouth. "Heaven. Literal heaven."

"This is exactly what we needed. Not the hot weather, not riding bikes around town avoiding practically every street, and no worries about that damn clown," she said, taking another spoonful. "just two spoons and a tub of rocky road."

"Cheers to that." I laughed, clinking my spoon against hers before digging into the tub again.

The echo of a door closing down the hall stopped of both in our tracks. Bev stared at the door with wide eyes before snatching the ice cream tub and placing the lid back on it. "Hide."

"I thought you said your dad wasn't gonna be home for a few hours?" I asked, standing up off of her bed and watching her shove the ice cream tub beneath the bed.

"He wasn't, now come on– hide!"

"Hide?!" I asked, looking around frantically. "Where the hell am I supposed to–"

She grabbed my arm and pulled me to the floor. I watched as she slid beneath the bed skirt and underneath her bed. She lifted up the fabric and waved me under. "Hurry!"

I laid flat against the floor and scooted myself beneath her bed. My feet were pressed against the wall and I tried my best to keep any clothing or limbs from being visible beneath the bed skirt. "Bev, what are we doing?" I whispered.

"Ssh." She replied, partially lifting the bed skirt off of the floor as the footsteps neared her room.

The moment they came to a stop right outside of her door, she dropped the bed skirt and looked at me– holding a single finger against her lips. I nodded nervously and tried my best to keep my breathing silent. Why were we hiding from her dad? Was she not allowed to have people over in general? Not just boys? 

"Bevy? You here?" 

This was the first time I was hearing her dad's voice. His footsteps slowly moved across the wooden floor as he dwelled further into her bedroom. "Where is my favorite girl? I've got some news for you." He stood in front of the bed, tapping his foot against the floor before turning back towards the door. 

"I need a drink." He mumbled to himself, walking out of the room and closing the door behind him.

We laid there silently beneath her bed, neither of us making any sudden movements. I waited for her to give the signal that we could move again– and once the footsteps could no longer be heard she rolled out from beneath her bed. I slid myself out, exhaling the breath that I felt I had been holding forever. I watched as she placed the tub of ice cream on top of her bed, not even bothering to explain what just happened. I couldn't shake the creepy vibe her dad gave me, no matter how hard I tried. "Bev, what the hell was that?" I asked, keeping my voice low. "Why did you just have us hide from your dad?"

She widened her eyes and looked towards the door, silent. She looked back at me and took a deep breath. "You need to go home, Dani."

"How am I supposed to do that if your dad is out there and we just hid from him?" I asked, watching her pace around her room. "Is something wrong?"

"We have none of his favorite beer left in the fridge, he's getting more now." She grabbed my hand and opened her bedroom door, practically dragging me along with her through the apartment. "Just go home Dani, okay?"

She pushed me slightly out of the apartment door. "But Bev I-" I couldn't even finish my sentence before she closed the door in my face.

I sighed and turned to walk down the stairs down to the front door of the building. It seemed like this summer was slowly turning into shit. I thought today would've been a brighter time out of the last two weeks without my entire group of friends, but that obviously didn't happen. I think I just lost the last two I had– the entire loser's club was actually split up. I grabbed my bike from outside of her building and took the long way home. Yeah, I passed by the arcade, the synagogue, the library, the butcher shop where Mike's family sells their meat– I even rode by Eddie's house. 

I miss them– I miss them so fucking much.

I hopped off of my bike and dropped it in the front yard once I got to my house. I walked up the front porch steps and opened the front door, not even bothering to call out to my mom that I was home. She probably knew it was me the moment the door opened. I didn't see her in the kitchen or in the living room anywhere, so I just headed towards the stairs to go up to my room. "I don't know how to handle this..." I stopped walking up the stairs and peered over the edge to see my mom sitting on the loveseat, talking on the phone. "I thought she would have come to me by now with whatever was bothering her."

She was talking about me– she had to. But the only question is, who is she talking to?

"I just, these past two weeks I can tell that she's been slipping away from all of the progress she's made. I don't know if she got into a fight with her friends, or if it has anything to do with this Richie boy– she just...hasn't been acting like our Dani." She sniffled and took a deep breath, wiping her eyes. "I can't help but think that this was a bad and selfish decision on my part– moving her out here."

I watched her as she talked on the phone. I never really noticed how my behavior the past two weeks has been affecting her. She looked tired, her hair was always up– when it was always normally down– and she just overall didn't seem like herself. I've been so wrapped up in my own problems and making my mother so worried about me...that I never even bothered to notice how what it was doing to her. "No, no sweetie. You need to stay there and graduate on time. That's your number one priority right now."

My heart dropped when I realized who she was talking to. It was Benny. He always called whenever he had the time too and when my mom came to my door to tell me he was on the phone– I always pretended to be asleep. I couldn't tell you why I didn't take his calls. I miss him a lot, I really do. Sometimes, I get to thinking about how it would be like if he was here right now. That maybe he'd know what to do– that he'd have all the answers. I've been avoiding my mother and my brother– the two people I have left in this world besides my Grandparents. I wish I could have my friends too, and Eddie.

"I promise I'm alright Benny, you don't need to worry about me," she took a deep breath and cleared her throat. "just make sure you go out and visit tomorrow okay? I know I don't need to remind you– trust me...I've been thinking about this day for months. I can't believe it's- it's almost been a year."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath– it felt as if my heart was trying to escape from my chest. I was closing off the one person who was here for me no matter what I said, did or how I acted. The knot in my throat grew bigger as her words echoed in my mind. I can't believe it's almost been a year. How could I have forgotten? I've become so selfish– seemingly blaming others for my unhappiness. Is it possible that I could have reached out to my friends all this time? That the last two weeks didn't have to be this way?

I walked off of the first step and walked around the corner wall, looking at my mom. "Mom?" I asked, my voice cracking.

She looked at me, I could see the tears just building in her eyes. "Yeah, that was her. Okay, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you too sweetie, goodbye." She hung up the phone and placed it on the arm of the loveseat. "Hi, sweetheart."

I smiled and wiped my nose. "Can we talk?"

She quickly wiped her damp cheeks and laughed, nodding her head. "Of course, how about we go to the diner and get us some burgers and a milkshake?"

I nodded as she stood up and walked by me to the kitchen counter. I followed behind her as she grabbed her purse off of it and the car keys hanging on the wall and turned to me. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly, shutting my eyes. "I love you."

She sighed and hugged me back, pulling me tightly into her as she rested her cheek on the top of my head. "I love you too Dani."