The butterfly effect is the idea that small events can have large consequences. It's a concept that's part of chaos theory, which states that systems are sensitive to initial conditions and that small differences can lead to big differences in the future.

*****

*Trisha*

I know Nate wants to sit down and have a serious talk about everything.  I can tell just by the way he's looking at me right now. 

Julia is at the park with James, and I'm in Nate's bedroom sitting by the window lost in my own thoughts when he enters. Nate joins me and sits on the other chair by the window. He leans forward and takes my hand.

"Is now a good time? Can we talk?" He asks and I nod.

"What happens now?" 

"I made an appointment with my doctor. She'll see me at the end of the week. You're welcome to come with me if you'd like." I pause when I see his expression. Almost like he doesn't want to go. Does he not want to be involved? Or hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time?? Doesn't he know this is an important appointment? Does he not even want this child?? My mind goes into overdrive while studying his face for a moment.

"Nate, I'm not having an abortion if that's what you're thinking." I squint my eyes at him.

"I'm not thinking anything. I will support whatever decision you make, Trisha. It's your body. You know I would never ask you to do something you're not 100% sure of."

"Because I'm not doing that. So... I guess this is it? We're having a baby together?" I try to read his expression on his face. He nods but looks away from me. "You never wanted children." My voice trails off.

"It doesn't matter what I want." Nate says flatly.

"I'm sorry, Nate. Forgetting my pill... that's on me. I fucked up. I'm sorry."

"We both fucked up. We should have never slept together in the first place. This changes everything." He scratches his jaw and begins to cry while looking out the window. Shit. 

"So, you regret it...." I swallow hard feeling a stab in my heart. I've never regretted Nate. Ever. 

He regrets being with me.

****

*James*

Julia is lost in her own thought while we lay on the grass at some park I'm supposed to remember... which I don't, and that's concerning. Apparently, this spot was a very important favorite place for me and Julia, and I can't remember one thing about it.

Casey plays with Maggie in the field while we lay in the grass enjoying the fresh air and sun.

"You really don't remember this place?"

I shake my head and Julia frowns.

"Let's see. Do you remember working at the hotel?"

Yes.

"Do you remember our song?"

I don't know what she means. She sits up and pulls her phone out. She plays a song, and I smile. Of course, I remember this song. We sang it during karaoke night at the hotel. Then danced to it that night she told me she was going back to Boston. Then danced to it again at The Grave when she told me she wanted to be with me. Thinking about that also brings heartache to me. I remember crying to it in my car after Julia left, thinking I'd never see her again. I played the song over and over again.

I want to let Julia know I remember everything. I sit up to stand but Julia stops me.

"Hold on...hold on..." She gets to her feet and help me stand up.  When she realizes what I'm trying to do she begins to cry. I pull her against me, and we sway from side to side while listening to the song. I put my lips close to her hear and hum with the tune. I can't sing the words, but I can hum it perfectly. Julia can hear my voice. She can hear me. My heart breaks listening to this song. We're no longer together. She's saying goodbye to me. 

She chose Nate.

Tears stream down my face while we slow dance to our song and the hard lump in my throat is so painful I want to burst out and cry hard. But I hold it in. I love her. I don't want her to give up on me. On us. 

Babe, I'm trying to get better. To get myself back to normal again for you. Don't give up on me...

"I love you so much. I will always love you, James. Always." Julia's voice cracks and we both begin to cry more. I nod, letting her know I understand, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell. It's over. She no longer wants to be with me. I'm too much. The car accident fucked me up too much. I'm a lot to take care of and I don't blame her for not wanting to spend her time having to care for me. She should just put me in some dingy nursing home to rot and move on with her life.

Julia buries her face in my chest and melts into me. I'd never give up on her. She's giving up on me... I don't want the song to end. It hurts too much. So, when it does, I try to lean down and grab her phone, but my hand doesn't want to cooperate with me. Julia takes her phone, and I nod to let her know that's what I was trying to do.

"Again? Do you want to hear it again?" She asks and I nod. She restarts the song, and we continue to slow dance.

And I continue to hum.

And we continue to cry.

******

*Trisha*

We didn't fight, but I had to get out of that apartment. I made up a lame excuse and dragged Paul out to the car. That's when I really lost it. I cried so fucking hard at just the thought that Nate regrets ever sleeping with me and now hates me because I missed my pills when in the hospital and during my concussion. He hates me because this changes his life. He doesn't see this baby as a good thing, and I can tell he wants me to get an abortion so he can just move on like it never happened. Well, I can't do that. I just can't. 

"Tell me what you wanna do, Banks. Where do you want to go?" Paul asks nervously, not used to seeing me this way.

"Take me to the cemetery." I say softly and he knows what I mean. He drives me to where my mom is and waits by the car to give me privacy.

I sit in front of her tombstone and cry. I cry and wish my mom was here to hold me. To tell me that it's ok. That even if Nate doesn't want anything to do with me or this baby that she will be here and help me take care of it. She'd be an amazing grandma. But she never survived to get that chance, did she?

I clean off the leaves and make sure her spot looks well-kept while I cry. I walk down the kill and do the same to Carter Gallo's plot, making sure James's baby's grave is free of leaves and debris. I wonder if James remembers he had a son. I wonder if he remembers his son dying. Maybe it's best that he doesn't. Maybe that a blessing in disguise.

I walk back to my mom and sit down on the ground again, pulling my knees up to my chest while I think. While I cry.

What if this baby is born with Nate's weak heart?

What if Nate's weak heart prevents him from living long enough to watch his child grow up? The child he is too scared to want right now?

That's all it is. He's just scared. He may regret being with me, but he'll REALLY regret it if he walks away from this baby and doesn't get to spend the time with it while he has it. The reality is, Nate isn't guaranteed to live beyond forty. No one is, but his chances are slimmer knowing he has the same heart as his dad. 

I didn't even realize I was sobbing hard...and loud...until I feel Paul pull me up by my arm and walk me up the hill to the car.  He says nothing. He buckles me in while I fall into a state of shock, drives me home, walks me to my bed and turns off the light for me.

This is me having my nervous breakdown, now, isn't it? 

This is me shutting down.

******

When I wake up it's dark outside.  I walk out of my bedroom and look into Paul's bedroom but he's not there. His bed is still 'sorta' made. Eh, he tries. I let out a yawn and walk into the main living area to find Paul at the kitchen island, opening up a bunch of Take- out containers.

"Chinese. I figured you'd be hungry when you got up. But we're NOT watching The Hallmark Channel tonight." Paul puts on a soccer game and raises his eyebrows at me.

"Aww, Paulie. You didn't have to do this." I look at all the food he got. All my favorites. He knows what I enjoy after all these years. "Thank you."

"And no talking during the game." He huffs making me laugh. 

"Got it." I nod, knowing Paul has had enough of being around people's emotional shit lately.

 Paul is back to being Paul.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.

We feed our faces on the living room couch and watch the soccer game together. Or as Nate would call it "football". Paul is engulfed into the match, but my mind is anywhere but what's on tv.

I keep playing the what if game in my head.

What if Nate never met Julia. There would be no James. No Jeremy. No car accident which would mean no concussion. I wouldn't have fucked up my birth control. Right now, we'd most like be somewhere in Europe on tour. Doing all the things Nate loves.

One event. That's all it took. Julia being picks as one of America's Voice winners.  Nate falling in love with her. I have never seen Nate fall in love so hard. Not even with Macy and he was with her for five years. Certainly not with me.

Will I even be able to go on tour with him now that I'm pregnant? Does he even WANT me to go on tour with him anymore. We've always done everything together. Everything. Right now, he's pissed at me. He can barely look at me. He doesn't want to have a baby. He's never wanted kids. Nate regrets being with me and that fucking hurts like hell. 

I feel like he's slipping through my hands.

 I'm losing my best friend.