*Trisha*

I took the week off even though I hate the fact that Vanessa has taken over my position temporarily. I'm also relieved because I know she will get the job done. I'm no longer pissed off at Nate. I'm no longer crying or emotional from the miscarriage. I'm no longer in pain or cramping.

Paul has been amazing. Not only did he step up to the plate, but he didn't complain once. Nor did he try to make any moves on me, knowing I can't resume activity until the bleeding stops.

"I must be the easiest job ever." I roll my eyes at Paul, who has taken over the remote for a soccer game. I lay on my side on the couch with my head on his lap. I feel him stroking my hair while watching the match and think it's the sweetest gesture from this big, quiet bodyguard boyfriend of mine.

"So much easier than chasing Moretti, I can tell ya that much." Paul replies and I laugh. We poke fun of Julia, but I know Paul has a soft spot for her. Seems like every guy does lately.

"Do you know I know nothing about you, Paulie.  Aside from that you're 45 with no wife or kids." I stay in the same position while trying to get more info out of the quiet man.

"What else is there to know?" 

"I don't know. Where do you live when you aren't working?" I've been dying to know this.  I want to know more. I want to know everything about him.

"Sullivan's Tap."

"Stop. I'm serious. Where the hell do you live?"

"Nowhere." He grumbles, thinking I'll give up on asking questions.

"Paul Rossi."

"I had a little apartment on the East side. Once Nate hired  me for Julia full time, I let my lease lapse. Then I had the room next to her at the Marriott for a while. Then was hired to watch her at Nate's. Now I'm here. With you."

"So you just bounce around?" I sit up.

"I guess."

"Wait...when did you find out about the whole Nate/Julia thing?"

Paul chuckles, apparently remembering the exact moment. "I was the first to find out. Right in the beginning.

"You sonofabitch." I joke. "You knew before me."

"Way before you." The bodyguard admits  proudly.

"So if I kicked you out tonight, where would you go?"

Paul leans down and kisses me and my heart skips a beat. He's a damn good kisser. "You won't."

He smirks at me with a cocky attitude.

"Ugh, you've been hanging out with Nate way too long." I roll my eyes. "So you're pretty much a 45 year old squatter. Where's you're family?"

"Is this interrogation time?" Paul grunts.

"I let you have sex with  me. I can ask as many questions as I want." I watch Paul shift a little and huffs in defeat before answering.

My father and two older brother's died in 9/11. Dad was a fireman. Greg and Patrick both worked at the World Trade Center. Both in finance." He mutters. I now feel bad I asked. My sudden shock is hard to hide.

"My God. I'm so sorry! How old were you?" I keep going with my questions now that I got Paul to open up a little.

"22"

"What about your mom?"

There's a long pause before he inhales deeply and his dark eyes sadden making it known something is wrong. Paul isn't one to show any emotion whatsoever so just this change in his eyes catches me off-guard.

"Wellspring Residential House." He begins. "It's like The Avalon...for New York... Bipolar."

*****

*James*

Listen, I know I'm being difficult. I'm also frustrated as hell living in this skin. I really just want to see Julia. I haven't been able to see her much today because she had a million virtual appointments in the search for a new therapist. So she spent a lot of time on Jonah's laptop in his room. Now Nate is home, so I'm gonna lose her for the night.

On top of it all, Jonah is trying to teach me how to cut a damn steak. Doesn't he realize my hands no longer work the way they should? My coordination is shit but he keeps pushing. Food ends up all over the floor, and I don't even have Mags to come clean it up and keep me company this week, which also isn't helping matters.

Lindsay has been amazing and has let me keep Maggie for a long time, but she misses her dog, too, so it's only fair that we get back on schedule.

Julia walks out of the bedroom and hears the chaos I'm causing.

"I can do it." Julia takes over for Jonah. Thank baby Jesus.

"He really needs to learn to accept help from others. It can't just be you taking care of him, Julia." The nurse huffs and starts sweeping up pieces of steamed broccoli.

"He's just sad today. He wants his dog. That's all." She helps position my fork the right way so I can eat and then cuts up my steak for me.

"See, that's all you needed."

"And you... Eat." Jonah glares at me and puts a plate of food in front of Julia.

"Anyone talk to Trisha lately or check in on her? I haven't heard much." The nurse asks and sits down across from us with a raised eyebrow, waiting for Julia to start dinner.

"I stopped by early yesterday morning." Nate shrugs but says nothing more. He sits on the couch and flips through channels until he finds a golf tournament. I look at Julia, who still hasn't taken a bite of her food. She's stalling. I drop my fork obnoxiously to get her attention. Let's go...eat.

"Fine, I'm going! God..." She puts the fork in my hand and begins eating her own food now. "Happy??"

Yes, Ma'am.

******

*Trisha*

Now I get it. It all makes sense to me. Of course, Paul has a soft spot for Julia. Living with a Bipolar mom, he knows all about the struggle. He has empathy for Julia. He understands. Paul tells me a little about his mom and it is like describing Julia to a t. They sound like the exact same person. His mom didn't get admitted into Wellspring until Paul was 25. So he took care of her by himself for three full years on top of mourning the loss of his dad and brothers. She  took a turn for the worse after 9/11 but he tried for a few years before finally having to get her admitted. It sounds like she's so severe  he doesn't visit often and hightailed it to the West Coast shortly after. Been here since.

To have Paul open up to me the way he did was huge but as soon as the conversation was over he was back to quiet, old man Paul.

"Jonah is texting asking if you want company.  He wants to take James out for a while and thought it would be nice for him to visit. Is that fine?" Paul mumbles while reading the text. It's like the deep conversation never happened. But I'm ok with that. He opened up to me. And I like that he felt comfortable with me to do so.

*****

"We  thought you could use a friend. How are you feeling?" Jonah asks. He's never been here before, but yes, seeing James does cheer me up. This week has kinda sucked for me.

"I'm ok. Thanks for giving him a ride over." I smile up at James from my usual spot on the couch, and James sits on the recliner next to me. Paul and Jonah go into the kitchen, giving us some privacy.

"How're YOU doing? I heard Julia caused some chaos this weekend." I take James by the hand, and he squeezes it and nods his head. "God, I'm so upset with her. You must have been so scared being alone like that. I hate to even think about it." I really do, so I change the topic quickly.

"So, James, the receptionist.." I get a little smile out of him when he hears that. "Looks like I'm baby-free." I swallow hard. I'm sure he knows, so I'm not surprised when he nods and gives me sad eyes. I have no more tears  left to cry over it this week.

"Maybe it's for the best. Can you imagine MORE Nate Hollans?" I snort.

James laughs and relaxes into the recliner more. He's a good friend. We talk...or shall I say, I talk, for a good hour. Joking around like we always do. Laughing. He had a great laugh, and sometimes I can hear it come out a little.

"Hey." I move in closer and whisper. "Wanna know a secret?" James nods. 

"You can't tell ANYONE, though." I tease, and he gives me an 'you're funny' look.

"Me and Paul...."I pause. "We're together." I lean back on the couch and watch James's reaction. His eyes widen in shock. Me and James were never really together, and he is in love with Julia, so I knew he wouldn't care. And hey, why not let him in on a secret. Probably makes him feel good to know something no one else does.

"Yep. For a little while now. Kinda weird, huh? I've known him only as Nate's bodyguard for all these years and now... He's so good to me, James." I smile, and James does as well, clumsily putting his hand on my cheek, happy for me.

"He's been taking such good care of me, right from the very start. When Nate wouldn't give me the time of day because of the pregnancy, Paul was reading a book on what to expect and how big the baby is and everything." I feel a little twinge of sadness again  but it passes as I talk to James.

"He's SO different than he is when he's in bodyguard mode. He can actually speak and form complete sentences. Did you know that?"  

James laughs a little again. Jonah comes in the room and hands James a cup of coffee. He literally has to put it in his hand and spot him while he takes a sip. Once James does it a few times, he's able to do it himself, and Jonah relaxes a little more. Jonah can be a little high strung, but he's a phenomenal nurse.

"Fair warning. Casey just texted me." Jonah looks at James. "Looks like Julia is going to go through withdrawals after all. She is starting now." 

The room falls silent, and James drops his shoulders. I'd hate to be in that house with her crazy and feel bad for them.  I also see Paul look defeated. Only for a second. And now I know why from what he told me. But this is different. His mom isn't an addict. Julia does this to herself.

"Julia brought this one on herself." I blurt out and hear how insensitive I sound after the fact, earning a look from Paul.  He's so protective of Julia. I don't know why I said that out loud.

"Yeah, well having that encounter with Jeremy again and-" Jonah starts. My eyes widen hearing this. 

"What? Wait. I didn't know this. I'm a little out of the loop."

Jonah tells me everything. The confrontation in the parking lot. How Julia has been advised to drop all charges.. it actually makes my stomach turn that this man is walking away free of charge. So yeah, I guess if I were here and an addict, and I saw some pills....after that- I'd probably take them too.

People get away with so much. Like Mila Giovanni and what she did to Nate. And because he is male and afraid to speak up and ruin his, very public, reputation, has to let it go and walk away. 

It's disgusting.

 Anyways, we end the conversation on a funny note...joking about how many bathrooms Julia is gonna "redecorate."

*****

*James*

I'm so glad I got to visit "Trisha, the assistant" this week. I think she was glad to see me as well. She's funny, and it lightened up this depressed mood I'm in. I started the antidepressant on Monday but know it could take weeks.

Julia still spends every night lying in my bed with me until I fall asleep. She says it's for me, but I think she likes it as well. Half the time, she ends up falling asleep, too, and Nate has to carry her back to his room. He should just leave her in my bed. It's where she belongs. We've become accustomed to it now. Every night, she lets me hold her. It's the best part of my day, really.

So when she's not here to lay with me tonight. I freak.  I should have known something was up. Nate has been acting weird all week. I know they had a photo shoot today, and she was able to wear her green dress to it. But she said it wasn't gonna take long and that she'd be back. Nate had something up his sleeve for after, though. I bet he took her to some fancy hotel to get away for the night. A place I could never afford, I'm sure.

But this is our time. The only time I really get with her. She helps  me fall asleep. Julia helps me forget what my life is now. Instead of thinking of that awful car accident and waking up to find out I've been in a coma and now can't talk or move the way I want, I think of her. I think of Griffith Park. I think of us together.

So now, I lay here in the dark and begin to have a panic attack. A full-blown panic attack. Jonah and Casey both try to help me, but I don't know how to calm myself down. Casey even tries to lay down with me, but  it's Julia I want.

All I can think about is Julia and Nate spending the night together. She deserves it. She deserves that and so much more. And I should be happy she was able to get away. But I need her to come home.

I really need her to come home.

******

I wake up, and when I realize Julia is finally back, the first thing I do is  pull her into my arms.

"Hey. I heard you had a rough night." She leans up and kisses me. Babe, you had no idea the night I had. It was awful. No one understood what I wanted. I just wanted you to come home.

"C'mon. I'll help you get ready for the day."

Julia helps me with all the things. She never makes me feel bad when I can't put toothpaste on my toothbrush or when I fumble with utensils. She helps me and smiles up at me, and it's like the whole world stops spinning.  

But something is up. I can feel it. It's not a good feeling. Not at all.

Julia goes out on the balcony, and I join her. I lay across her and rest my head on her lap while she plays with my hair. Everything is perfect. I close my eyes, feeling like everything is perfect right in this moment. But it turns into one of the worst moments of my life.

"You know I love you, right?" 

I open my eyes.

"You're my best friend. I want to be the one to take care of you. But, James, we keep crossing the line. We can't." 

No. 

I stand up and lean on the balcony. She's really doing this? Julia stands next to me to continue talking.

"We need to stop crossing the line. You know this already. We have to stop. I want to be a part of your life, but I need boundaries. And I can't do it on my own. Not with you. You know that."

"James, are you listening to me?"

I nod, but know that if I look down at her, I'm going to cry. So I look straight ahead.

"I have to be honest. I'm in love with you. I will probably always love you. But I love Nate, too." 

Julia inhales sharply.

"Nate asked me to marry him."

Fuck. That's what last night was? Nate proposed to her? I can't breathe. I  stand up straight  and nod. It's over. Tears fill my eyes. He asked her to marry him. He took her away for the night and asked her to marry him!?

 I can't breathe.

Oh my God.

I quickly walk into the house.

"James. James, c'mon."

"Jesus Christ, wait up!" Julia tries to grab my hand, but I swat her away. This is unreal. I can't handle it. I sit on the couch, and Maggie consoles me.

That sonofabitch asked her to marry him.....

Julia barrels into my room and sits next to me. I can't even look at her. She tries to wipe my tears but I swat her away.

I want to plead to her to not do this. He's not right her. I want to scream and yell but can't let it out. She felt what I felt last weekend. I know she did. She was falling in love with me. Why does she keep choosing the harder life?

Because he's got all the money in the world and can take care of her. He's not a fucking disabled mute.

I cry hard now and Julia holds my hand. I shake my head at her but can't seem to push her away. Then. I notice it. The engagement ring. It's breathtaking. I've never seen anything like it. It had to have cost fucking millions.

Julia said yes.

She said yes to Nate.

I become so distraught and frustrated my body can't handle it. The heartache I feel right in this moment- I can't describe it. I stand up and begin pacing., heaving, pulling at my hair in frustration. I just want to tell Julia I love her. To pick me. Don't do this to me! 

Julia stands up and gets in my way so I can't pace.

"I love you. You know I do. I'll always love you." 

I stare at her. I stare at her and shut down.

******

*Trisha*

"I feel bad." I lay in Paul's bed with him with my cheek on his bare chest. He has a great chest. Ok, that was off topic, anyway.... 

"Don't." Paul kisses my head. I have no idea what his dream was, but he woke up this morning with a raging hard on. He ignores it, but I still feel bad because I'm still recovering so sex isn't happening. "I've gone years without action before."

"Yeah, why is that anyway?" I look up at this attractive guy I have known for years.

"Look at my job. I'm Nate Hollan's bodyguard. On call 24/7. No one wants to get into a relationship with someone who is never around. Someone who has to drop everything and go right to work when called." Paul mutters. I think about that for a second. He's right. The "Nate Hollan" show, as I like to call it, involves a lot of people who dedicate their life to their job. Whether it be a bodyguard, a personal assistant, publicist, road crew- you name it. It's not just Nate that makes him who he is. It's a whole team of people.

"And I'm not into one night stands anymore, if that's what you're thinking."

I wasn't, but now I am. 'Anymore'... hmm. I get that and know Nate has had his share of one night stands. A whole year's worth for all I know. I'm sure back in the day, it was easy to do while on tour.

"Good to know." I tease Paul. I lean up and kiss the side of his neck, making that deep voice of his groan.

"I'm trying to ignore, and you're over here making it worse, Banks." He mutters but lets me do what I want to do - which is relieve him. I kiss his neck, his bare chest, his abs, then lower....earning a few profanities and "oh God's" before he comes undone.

"Jesus Christ, Trish." He breathes out, his chest heaving in the after-effect. I lay back down next to him like nothing happened and  I didn't just give him a mind-blowing orgasm. "I owe you. When you're better..."

"Well, I have to go back on birth control first, hot stuff. I'm not going through this again."

"Vasectomy. I don't want any little Rossi's just like Nate doesn't want any little Hollan's."

"Really?? You knew for sure? Just like that?" I lay on my side and pull the covers back over us. "How can you know. Like REALLY know...enough to make it permanent?" I stammer.

"When you know you know." He grumbles. "So yeah. We don't have to worry about that."

I sigh in relief knowing this information and curl up next to Paul. He wraps his arms around me and I have to say, even though I'm still trying to get used to this side of Paul, his embrace is so comforting. I could get used to this.

****

Sooo, I lied to Nate. Not only was Paul late getting me to Nate's building because of, well... you know.. I then I told Nate I had a budget meeting upstairs and he is waiting for me in his studio. I was beginning to have a panic attack and didn't want him to see me.  I've had to do this before. When I saw what an outstanding job Vanessa did this week, I realized- I really can't keep up, can I? I don't think it was because I was pregnant.

I sit in the empty room and  log into the computer. I secretly try to catch up on all the work that lies ahead for me, knowing I'm going to be overwhelmed. Nate can't know I'm overwhelmed. I stay up here and plug along for a good hour before I get a text from Paul.

Oh no.

James.

"Nate! Have you checked your phone?" I storm into the studio where Nate is. "Lets go! We gotta go." I literally pull him out the door, then stop in front of the car.  "You gotta drive. You know I can't."

"Wait. Trisha..Have you not been driving since the accident???"

"Not the time, Nate. Drive to the hospital." While driving I fill Nate in. Sounds like James had a seizure. How scary for him!  I hope he wasn't alone! We rush into the hospital. Paul, Julia and one of James's sisters are already in the waiting room. Of course, Paul is consoling Julia... But the minute she sees Nate she runs to him. No one is checking on the sister so I stand next to her and give her a hug, letting her know everything will be ok.

"Have you heard anything?" Nate asks Paul. 

"He seems to be fine but they are running tests . I guess it can happen."

"What would cause something like this?" Nate looks to anyone for answers.

"Stress. Stress can do it." Kendall says softly.

"Julia told James you proposed to her." Paul chimes in, being the one that was with them.

No. IS HE FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

"You WHAT?" I burst. "You don't listen to a fucking word I say, do you Hollan! Go ahead, ruin your career. You know what this is going to do.

"This! This shit is what I'm talking about!" Kendall spits out to the whole room now. "Living with you guys.... God. There's so much drama. All the time."

We all quiet down quickly.

"C'mon Trish. Lets grab a coffee." Paul looks at me and can tell I need to walk away before I say something I'll regret. Which seems to happen often with me lately.

*****

*James*

I had a seizure? Can anything else go wrong in my life? Now I have to worry about seizures? Dr. Giovanni doesn't seem overly concerned though which puts me at ease. Apparently, it's common.  They did blood work and wanted to run a few tests before I leave so it doesn't sound like I'm being admitted.

So now I sit and wait. And think. But the quiet only last for so long before the chaos.

Julia storms into the room sobbing.

"They said I can't take care of you! The girls. They want you to stay with them and don't want me to see you again. Kendall said being near me is too stressful for you, and that why you're in here." Julia sobs.

Kendall did WHAT?!

"James, she told me I shouldn't even call you. To just forget you and let you move on. That it's not fair to you."

This day just keeps getting better.

*****

*Trisha*

 We stay silent until after we purchase our coffee and find a table in the corner of the cafeteria.

"He's ruining his career. Doesn't he get it? He's Nate Hollan." I sip my coffee and rant to Paul.

"I'm not following, Trish."

"Don't you get it Paul? Half of his fanbase is young single women. If Nate gets married, he loses fans. I told him this already. Hell, his publicist would agree. This is an awful idea and at the worst time.  He's ready to go on tour and Moretti is anything but fucking stable. They're not thinking straight!" I explain. "God, what is this going to do to James!"

Paul sits back and studies my face. "Holy shit. You're in love with him."

"What?"

"I knew you said you had a thing for Nate, but you're actually in love with him." He furrows his brows and keeps his eye contact with me, waiting for me to talk.

"This is about his CAREER, Paul!"

"But you are. Aren't you?" He crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair.

"I'm not in love with Nate, Paul. First of all, I'm with you. I thought  WE were together. You and me. Are we not?" I question and beat around the bush trying to get away from Paul's question.

 Of course I'm in love with Nate. I have been for years and he knows it. But he is adamant about  being just friends and there's nothing I can do about that. I'm sure as hell not going to admit it out loud to anyone. That's something I need to deal with on my own and get over it.

"Listen, Trisha. Be honest with me. Because I'm not like them. I can't do the runaround  bouncing back and forth between people. I'm not into things like that whole James, Julia, Nate charade. That's not me. So let me know right now if I'm wasting my time here. And it's ok. You can be honest. It won't change anything. I'm not the type to get mad or hold grudges. But I need to know." Paul sits up straight now and stares at me.

"Paul. I'm NOT in love with Nate." I lie. "He's making an awful  career move but it doesn't affect me in any way. You are not wasting your time." I reach over the table and hold his big bodyguard hand, giving it a squeeze.

"Good. Because I've wanted this for a long time." Paul admits. I raise my eyebrows in shock.

"You have???"

"I have."

"You have a funny way of showing it, Paul. We've been working together for years. I had no idea."

"Even Nate knows."

"What?!" I almost spit out my coffee right then and there.

"He knows I've had a thing for you. Nate said 'everyone has a thing for Trisha Banks."

Nate said that? About me? Does that mean at some point Nate had a thing for me? At some point it crossed his mind and could have been a possibility?

Am I able to make that a possibility or am I too late now?

******