"I'm sorry. You're in the middle of having a miscarriage." 

I hear the words, but I don't process them. I stare at the doctor and say nothing. I'm speechless. But he continues anyway, this time explaining everything to Paul. 

I hear something called a D & C. Dilation and curettage procedure. I hear general anesthesia. I hear recovery. But hearing and processing are two different things. But I sure as hell can feel. I can feel the cramping. I can feel the blood. I can feel my tears.

The doctor leaves the room, and I stare at the door. This is me in shock, isn't it? I begin to tremble. My whole body. That's when I turn to Paul.

I've only seen Paul with teary eyes for Julia. When she was raped.  So, to see his red swollen watery eyes throws me for a loop. I don't cry, though. I feel my tears, but my face shows no emotion.

"What did he say?" I cut through the ringing in my ears. "Paul...."

He can tell I'm not all there.

"They're gonna give you something for the pain, ok? Something to help you relax." He holds my hand and gently squeezes it.

"I don't understand."

"I know, Trish...lay down and rest."

That's all I remember. And when I wake up- I'm no longer pregnant.

I'm no longer pregnant.

******

"Hey. How are you feeling?" Paul is in the same spot I left him as the transport nurses wheel me back into the room.

"It's over." I choke out.

"I know...Trish." Paul nods and takes my hand again.

"So,  we're gonna monitor you for a few hours  but you should be good to go. We'll give you something for the cramping, and don't be alarmed if you're still bleeding in a few days. It's normal."  The doctor explains. "What isn't normal is how heavy you're bleeding and the fact you have a fever. We don't know if you had one before you came in or not, but it's 102.5 right now."

"Is a fever a concern?" Paul asks. This is weird. Paul. I'm not used to it.

"We just want to get that down before we discharge her.  For an adult, that's high. We'll run some tests, keep the IV in, and monitor her." The doctor's pager goes off, and he looks down.

"I'll come back in a bit to check on you." He rushes out of the room for an emergency.

Paul doesn't know what to say to me now.

"You don't have to stay here, you know. You can go home. Or wherever." I give him an out.

"Trisha, stop." He furrows his brows at me and leans down to kiss my forehead. "Jesus, you ARE burning up."

"All that blood. That........ that was...." I close my eyes and cry. "The baby." I cry hard. 

******

*James*

Obviously, I know I'm not well. I know I'm falling into a depression. But how the hell do I let someone know? I wonder if this is how I felt when I was in a coma. Yet, I'm awake. I just want my old life back. Is that so hard?

I pray. I pray a lot lately. But instead of praying for everyone else around me, this time, I pray for myself. I pray for my healing. Because I can't live like this.

I also pray for my sister. Because Jennie can NOT get involved with Dave. 

"C'mon. Let's get out of bed. I'll help you take a shower, ok?" Julia pulls at my arm, but I roll to my side. But Julia is Julia and she won't give up on me. She walks to the other side of the bed and sits on the chair, forcing me to look at her.

"James, I don't know what to do. I know something is wrong. I wish you could just tell me. Is it about Trisha?" We start playing the guessing game. "Her miscarriage?"

No. We play this stupid game for a while until Julia catches on. She's good at that. Damn better than Casey, that's for sure. Poor thing is a lost cause when it comes to understanding me. 

"James. Is one of your sisters mad or in some kind of trouble?"

Yes. She rattles off my sisters' names, and when she says Jennie, she knows.

"Jennie. Ok... I don't really know much about Jennie. I can't even remember the last time she visited you. She's been with her new boy -"

I clap my hands and feel the anger rise to my face.

"You don't like her boyfriend....so you know him." 

C'mon Julia. You got this.  She puts it together.  Trisha,  Jennie, boyfriend I don't like.

"Oh no..." Her shoulders drop. "Dave...."

That's when I freak out. I get out of bed and throw the lamp across the room. I'm not a violent man. I don't know why I did that. But the anger I feel right now in this moment...it's strong.

I live to protect my family. My mom. My sisters. I work out and was once healthy - all to defend them if need be. I know it's a warped way of thinking. A warped way of living. But when you grow up with a father like mine, being the only boy in the house, you do anything to protect your family.  I have the scars to prove it.

So to hear Jennie is dating someone just like my father.... and I can't protect her like I've been training my body to do for years.... is unbearable. So yeah. I lose my shit.

 Both Nate and Jonah rush in with Casey right behind them. When she sees the shattered lamp, she quickly holds Maggie back, Maggie, who only wants to be near me now, sensing something is wrong.

"I didn't do it." Julia throws her hands up. "I swear to God. But I figured out what's going on."

Jonah start cleaning up the mess while Julia leads me out into the living room. Maggie jumps right up onto the furniture, but Nate doesn't say anything. 

"James found out one of his sisters is apparently dating Dave. Trisha's ex Dave." 

"How the hell does something like that even happen!?" Nate asks. "It's a small world but not THAT small."

"Because - they grew up together or something, remember? They must have reconnected. We're gonna have to break the news to Jennie about her new boyfriend. Trisha may have to be the one to tell Jennie. I'm on thin ice with the Gallo girls already. They probably won't even believe me."

Babe, you're not on thin ice. Don't let them get to you. They're just overprotective.

"Well, nothing is happening this weekend, that's for sure. Aren't they at some wedding? And Trisha is in no shape to start thinking about Dave, that's for sure. She's already under enough stress." Nate reminds us both.

"Ok, James. When your sisters are back in town, we will talk to them, ok? Now, can we please get back on schedule with life a little?" Jonah asks me.

"Yeah. First stop. Shower. Cmon." Julia pulls me up  and gets me going for the day. 

*****

Ok. So when I say "Gets me going"....

"You better not have sex with him in there. I swear to God, Julia Moretti. We have plans later."  Nate bangs on the bathroom door, and Julia smirks at me. I look down at her, needing more than a smirk. I look at her with pleading eyes, now aching for the naked woman in the shower with me. She knows what she's doing. She wouldn't have gotten naked if she didn't.

Julia gives in to me. She drops her hand and I my breath hitches at her touch. She presses her perfect body into mine while her hand pulls at me and kisses my lips. 

I know she's in love with Nate. I'm not stupid. But I also know she wouldn't be jacking me off  in the shower right now if she didn't love me too. And the way she's letting me kiss her.... The way I can tell she's getting turned on... She can't deny that she will always be attracted to me. So when my abs tighten and I jolt forward a little with a shudder, hitting my high, she lets my hand travel between her legs without pushing me away.

I watch her close her eyes and drop her forehead down to my chest. I watch her hold on to my biceps as my hand moves in tight circles against her nerves.

I watch her come undone.

She bites my shoulder, making me twitch and groan even though I've already released my orgasm. I crash my mouth into hers as she rides it out, both of us now relieved of the built-up pressure. Well, I am, at least. I'm sure Nate will get the best of Julia. He always does.

Nate is sitting on the bed shaking his head when he sees us come out of the bathroom, and Julia's hair is wet.

"What?" Julia smirks at him. "James. Go eat breakfast. I mean it."

Yes, ma'am.

Eventually.....Julia joins me and has her 'just been fucked' eyes. But I don't care, because for a little while, she was with me. I still believe she will come to her senses. 

She takes care of me and helps me eat breakfast. Happy and fucked. 

"It sounds like Trisha may be discharged today, not tomorrow." Jonah says while documenting Julia's food intake. 

"Did you talk to her?" Nate asks while pouring a cup of tea.

"No, Paul texted me though." Julia answers for Jonah. "He said she's a mess and ready to be home. Her home. Apparently you two aren't on good terms?" Julia raises an eyebrow. I don't understand what she's talking about.

"Shit. That's right. I fired her."

What?!

After all Trisha does for Nate, he goes and fires her?

"You really fired her? Nate....fix it."

"I will. I will." He pulls out his phone and starts texting Trisha. "You don't think my stress caused her to miscarriage, do you?" Nate looks over at Jonah who shakes his head.

"No, Nate. These things just happen sometimes." Jonah assures him. "C'mon Maggie. Wanna go out for a walk? Case is in the shower. You guys good for a few?"

We all nod and Jonah leaves with the dog. I Nate sits down across from Julia and I, watching her take care of me. 

"James, when you threw that lamp, was that just out of frustration?" Nate starts. "What I mean is... How have your moods been? With everything that's going on and all."

I look at him and shrug my shoulders.

"I know what he's asking. With all that's going on.. and everything you are dealing with. Do you think you may be depressed?" Julia takes my hand. All the emotion rushes to my eyes now. I've been waiting for someone to help me for so long. I nod my head, now relieved, and Julia hugs me.

"I'm sorry it took us so long to figure it out." She says. I close my eyes and feel tears run down my face. Great. In front of Nate. That's just lovely. 

"I'll tell Jonah. We can help you, ok? I'm sure he will be able to start you on an antidepressant." Nate looks away from me out of respect.

"Hell, we're all on something. Julia and all her meds, me and my anxiety me-" 

What did he just say?

"You're on anxiety meds??" Julia whips her head to make eye contact with Nate now. "Since when?"

"A few days now." He chokes out. "Just a temporary thing to help with my panic attacks."

"Like.. Ativan?"

"Yeah. Only for a few weeks to see if it helps. Jules..."

Both me and Nate share the same worried look now.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Julia scoffs. "What, you think I'm gonna tear the house apart looking for Ativan or something?"

"Well, yeah doll. That's exactly what we're thinking."

And that's exactly what she does.

*******

Julia tears through Jonah's bedroom in search of her addiction.

"That shit can't be in here!" She cries out, going through his drawers in a mad search.

"It can't be in the house!"

Nate whisks Julia out of the room but not without a fight.

"Julia, stop. Hey.."

My heart sinks watching this all play out. She cries and kicks and fights, desperately trying to get away.

"Jules. Look at me." Nate practically drags her out of the room.

"I can't be near that!" She cries.

"I know, Jules. I wasn't supposed to tell you. I'm sorry. But listen.... you're not near it, ok? I don't even have access to it. I don't even know where it is." 

"I can't be near it." Julia sobs but doesn't fall into Nate's arms. No. She turns and falls into her best friend's arms. My arms.  She lets me hold her for some time before the anger fills her again.

"I can't do this!" She pushes against my chest but I don't budge. She yells in my face but I don't flinch. She eventually cries herself so she no longer has a voice. She no longer speaks. She cries to exhaustion.

Because this is Julia.