*James*

Things have been tough for Julia the last few days. After she tried to check herself in at the Avalon, she shut down at home. Like, really shut down. She hasn't moved off the couch in days. Hasn't taken a shower in days and barely eats. 

The best place for her is The Avalon, and we all know it. No one at home knows how to take care of her, and Nate is just too busy being a celebrity to find the time. I don't say that in a rude way, but a truthful way. His job prevents him from being relied on. So him and the director of the Avalon worked out a plan to get Julia back on track and back in sessions. Even though Donovan is still roaming free without a care in the world.

Jonah is to go with Julia as her personal nurse. She's not allowed to be in the same room as Jeremy alone.  But she's also not allowed to talk about the rape or anything negative towards Jeremy. His slate is clean. Hers is not.

Meanwhile I'm trying to get my life back in order.

Lindsay offered to take me to Griffith Park to get me out of the house for a bit today. It was really nice of her, especially since it's her day off.

"How have you been feeling lately?" She asks while Maggie pulls her in the direction of a squirrel. "Mags.." She tugs on her harness a little while we try to walk in a straight line.

"Ok, I guess." I shrug. I don't know how to answer that without sounding pathetic. I'm not ok. No one would be if they lived in this body, but I try to be grateful it's not worse.

"You're an awful liar, you know that?" She nudges me. "Are you still keeping up with your PT and speech therapy?"

"Yes, mom." I laugh a little an we sit down on the park bench and let Maggie lose for a bit. No one is here so it's ok to do so long as she doesn't go too far, which she never does.

"You're still hung up on that Julia chic aren't you?"

I close my eyes to feel the sun on my face while Lindsay interrogates me. She's harmless and just trying to make conversation.

"You still hung up on that Greg guy you were dating?" I turn the conversation around to her.

"Hey. I asked you first... that's not how this works, Mr. Gallo."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I pause. " I don't know what's going on. She's a mess right now, ya know? I don't even think SHE knows what she wants anymore."

"Lemme guess. But you will 'be whatever she needs you to be' and wait forever... you don't change James. It may be time for you to move on."

"Your turn..."

"Greg? Yeah... no. He turned out to be a cheater." Lindsay frowns. She was with the guy for a few months but I think she really liked him. "I always attract the winners."

"Hey! I take offense." I tease.

"We never did have any drama when we were together, did we?" She looks in the distance while talking, almost like she's reminiscing.

"No, we never did. We just got bored with each other." I sigh. Nothing really dramatic happened to end our relationship. It was just that, we got bored. We got stuck in our own routines.

"I'm starting to think boring is a good thing these days." Lindsay huffs and drops her shoulders.

"I hear that. Julia is anything but boring. But again, I think she needs to figure out her own life and focus on her health right now." Maggie comes up to me and lays down by my feet to soak in the sun.

"Do you still sleep with her??"

"Lindsay!!"

"What? I'm just wondering if all your parts still work is all." She turns to me with a smirk.

"Oh my God. Yes, all my parts work just fine and no. She's not sleeping with me... unfortunate isn't it?"

"Very... So all your parts work just as good as before your accident?" She presses on. I know where she is going with this. I know Lindsay all too well.

"Yes, Lindsay." I sigh. "All my parts work just as good as before."

"Wanna go back to my house and fool around?" She raises a brow at me. I knew that's what she was hinting around too. She has an itch that needs to be scratched and I would be a complete idiot to say no.

"I have nothing better to do right now.... my schedule is wide open." I laugh as Lindsay stands up, anxious to leave now.

"Oh thank God." Lindsay says making me laugh more and shake my head at her. She pulls my arm to get me up and Maggie's leash to get her moving.

"You REALLY have an itch that needs to be scratched dontcha?"

"You have nooo idea, James."

******

*Trisha*

"Guys, can you wait outside for one minute? I need to have a word with Mila privately."  Nate doesn't give Paul and I a second to answer before shutting the studio door behind Mila.

"Has he mentioned anything to you yet? 'Bout the other night?"  Paul asks in almost a whisper. Eyes and ears everywhere.  I shake my head. Both me and Paul know he slept with Mila after the charity dinner. We both know Nate. We know him well.

"He's gonna crush Julia." He grumbles, and I suddenly feel uneasy. Nate makes everything so much more complicated than it needs to be.

"You know he can't keep his dick in his pants for the life of him." I roll my eyes, and Paul laughs.

The door swings open, and Nate lets us in.

"Sorry about that. Just needed to set some ground rules." I look over at Mila, who just sits there looking pretty.

"I.. go upstairs now?" Mila stands, needing to get to her appointment.

"Yeah." Nate watches her leave and waits for the door to close before speaking. "Hear from Jonah at all?"

We both shake our heads.

"Nate, I'm sure she's fine. Jonah will take good care of her." I assure him.

"I don't know why you didn't just let me go with her." Paul huffs. He doesn't like the idea of Jonah being her bodyguard, and Paul has a soft spot for Julia.

"Because. I need more than a bodyguard, Paul. I need a nurse. Someone who can not only watch over her but talk to the doctors about her condition .. her meds... everything. Or else I definitely would have had you be the one to go with her." Paul accepts Nate's explanation, and we move on.

"So what were you REALLY talking to Mila about?" I ask while setting up my work station and laptop at the table.

"Just that." Nate lies right to my face. "She's too handsy. It's uncomfortable. I can't play the part if I'm uncomfortable around her."

No, the real problem here is a lack of self-control.

Nate then proceeds to call Richard and plead his case on trying to find a way out of this PR stunt. I shake my head.

"Richard, can you hear me out?"  Nate pleads, but Richard isn't hearing it. Richard says what he says and hangs up. Nate throws his phone across the room and lays down on the couch.

"Will you stop throwing that damn thing?" I retrieve his phone, make sure it's fine, and place it gently on the table. "Let me guess, he didn't budge."

"Trish, you SEE the way she looks at me."

"And I see the way you look at her." I plop down next to him, forcing him to move his legs and sit up.

"EXACTLY! I can't do this."

"You're really getting hot and heavy for her, aren't you, Playboy?"

"You see who I'm dealing with here, right?" Nate shoves his palms into his eyes, frustrated. 

"Nate, please tell me you didn't sleep with her."

"Of course not." He lies again.

"Hey. When Paul comes back with lunch, why don't you go home and chill out. You don't have anything planned till seven tonight, and even then, it's just with the band. I think you could use some time home....away from Mila. Yeah? Go get some rest?"

"Yeah, maybe."

Once Paul comes back with lunch, Nate heads out.

"Still didn't fess up, huh?" Paul opens the Chinese food take out boxes while talking.

"Nope. He's so full of shit too." I say as we dig in.

"Hey." Paul starts and makes me look up at him and raise a brow. "What are we?"

"What do you want us to be??" I ask. His question is valid. We never really talked about 'us'. It just sorta happened.

"I don't know, Trish. I know you.  I think you got a thing for Hollan. Always have." Paul  says in a nonchalant way while eating.

"Yeah, well Nate's a mess right now. He always will be." I steer away from Paul's question.

"It kills you he has a thing for Mila, doesn't it?"

"No. It kills me when he is with Julia AND Mila. Because one of them is gonna get hurt and you know which one that's gonna be. It certainly isn't the 23 year old model. And when Julia gets hurt- we ALL pay for it."

"She's been through a lot." Paul is always finding ways to stick up for Julia. I get it, I do. And I know she can't help it. But she's ...a lot. 

I'm starting to think she's worse than Cara.

****

*James*

I scratch Lindsay's itch once we are at her place. Twice to be exact. 

"Jesus, James. I forgot how good you feel." Lindsay says while we lay in her bed.  She rests her head on my chest while my arm is around her as we try to come down from our high.

"You forgot? I'm insulted." I tease.

"Think we'll ever find the right person?" She asks seriously now.

"I don't know Linds. My chances are slim. Look at me."

Lindsay looks up at me and furrows her brows. "What do you mean? I'm looking at you. James. Not much as changed, you know that right??"

"You're cute. Think I'm gonna find someone who wants to deal with my fumbling with words, unable to care for myself physically? Linds, I can't even hold a fucking bar of soap in my hand without dropping it." I sit up now and cross my arms over my chest. "My coordination's shit. I can't even drive anymore."

"You're not serious, James. Those are all minor things. They really are. You are the whole package. I wish you'd see that in yourself." Lindsay kisses my cheek and gets out of bed.

She gets dressed and I look at her embarrassed now. "Linds. I need help getting dressed.... " I can feel the heat rise to my face when I say that and I look away.

"What if I just want to keep you here..naked in my bed...for whenever I need you?" She raises her eyebrows and laughs. But then she grabs my clothes and helps me with everything. "See? None if this is a big deal, James. Easy. It's not like you are in a wheelchair." She says once I'm fully dressed.

"I just miss how I was before." I admit.

"Aww..sweetie. I know you do. But I bet everything will come back. You're doing everything right. PT .. everything. You'll see. This is just a minor bump in the road, that's all!"

"Yeah.."

Lindsay drives me home and says her goodbyes. She's a good friend but I think that's all she'll be to me.  Doesn't mean she's not great in bed.

Apparently, Nate has a good chunk of the day off so he's already home, and Julia is still at the Avalon. He offers to take me and my dog back to my house, and I take him up on the offer. I miss my home. I miss everything about it, but the biggest thing I miss is how calm it is here. Maggie loves being here, too. We head straight to the backyard to eat our lunch while Mags run around the yard. Nate needs to help me with everything, but he never makes me feel bad about it, even when I can feel the heat rise to my face. We are eating Italian subs and  can't even fucking unfold the paper packaging. It's pathetic.

At first, we sit in silence while eating and watching the dog run around like a lunatic, happy to be home.

"Think I'll ever be able to live here again?" I ask.

"I'm not sure, mate. But you are welcome to stay at my place for as long as you need. Forever for all I care. You will never have to worry about that. But yeah, I can see you back here eventually."

"Think Julia will ever be able to live on her..her own?"I stutter but Nate doesn't draw attention to it.

"No. I really don't."

"Yeah..." I feel a lump forming in my throat.

We fall silent again while thinking about that. There's no way Julia can live on her own.

"Ever think of Trisha?"  Nate changes the topic. "Like... you know.. could you see yourself with her?"

"Why??"

"Just wondering. I know you guys a little thing -"

"We're... just. We're just friends, Nate." 

"But you could be more... I can see it." He goes on while continuing to eat.

"Hate to break it to ya, Nate. I think she has a thing for Paul." I laugh but Nate almost chokes on his food. Has he not seen all the signs? Is he really that self absorbed that he doesn't see the way Trish and Paul gaze at each other?

"PAUL?! Trisha? What makes you think that? I mean, Obviously he has a thing for her-"

"Yeah, everyone has a thing for her." I laugh.

"I don't know.. I haven't noticed anything."

"You're not a very observant person." I state matter-of-factly.

"Yeah yeah, eat your lunch." He helps me pick up the sandwich when he sees me struggling but I can see the wheels turning in his head. He really didn't catch on. Not even a little?

We finish lunch and I feed Maggie. I sit back outside feeling the sun on my face when Nate gets a phone call. It's Jonah and I can tell he is all over the place with his conversation but don't know what the hell he is talking about.

"Just bring her here." Nate finally hangs up and put his phone down on the patio table.

"What was that all about? Jonah sounded pretty hyped up.." 

"I really don't know. But he's gonna bring Julia here instead of home. Is that fine?" He asks while picking  up the tennis ball to throw for Mags to fetch while talking.

"Of course. Maggie loves being out here." I nod.

Not ten minutes later a hysterical Julia and very hyper, full of knowledge Jonah blow through the house and into the backyard like a hurricane. Julia immediately  bypasses Nate and heads to me, laying down on her side and burying her head in my lap while crying.

"What the hell happened?!" Nate asks with wide eyes. I think my facial expression must be the same as I stroke Julia's hair to comfort her while she hides her face.

"It was crazy! Don't worry. She's fine. She's just overwhelmed. But that guy. Jeremy-"

"What did he do?" Nate tenses up but Jonah shakes his head and takes a seat with us outside.

"No... he didn't do anything. Well he did but no. Not what you think. Nate. That kid a friggen genius!" Jonah says still wrapping his brain around the information he received.

"No. He's a rapist." I furrow my brows.

"Yeah yeah.. aside from that. Sorry. I don't mean to downplay it.. But that's not what I'm talking about. Nate...he figured her out. Cracked the code. He's the only one who knows how to treat her. That's why she's overwhelmed right now. What Julia has... He was able to not only describe every single damn symptom before she had to say it, as WELL as the order the symptoms appear. It was crazy! He knew.... He just.. I don't know. He's really REALLY smart to put all that together. Everything that makes Julia... What we saw the other night... That was out of her control. Don't you get it?" Jonah talks so fast me and Nate both look at each other dumbfounded, but the nurse continues anyway.

"She had no control of her moods that night. She wasn't going crazy. It was gonna happen regardless. Everything lined up perfectly to make this volcano explosion. There's only one ..was only one other person in the entire U.S who had every single thing Julia has. Jeremy said there was no way for anyone to see that explosion coming and certainly no way to stop it."

"Wait...one other person..." 

"He killed himself at age 41." He says in a quieter manner. "He couldn't handle it and there was no doctor that could diagnose him or crack the code. By the time he got treatment...he was too far gone. Jeremy studied his case forever trying to figure it out. He actually had a seminar about the patient at Harvard to teach other doctors to know the signs. But no one ever had a patient that met the criteria. Julia is the only one."

"Yaeee. Lucky me." Julia pouts and rests the side of her head on my lap while curled up. Her eyes are red and watery, like hearing this news was too much to handle. I look down at her and frown.

"That doctor may be a piece of shit that deserves to be six feet under..but the brains he has.... Nate....it's unbelievable. And what happened to Julia can and most likely happen again. Which is why we need to really monitor her. Every day. Every hour. For real."

Jonah rambles on for another good ten minutes before looking over at me.

"I think she fell asleep." I say quietly. She cried herself to sleep right on my lap and it's the saddest thing. Nate plucks her up off me and brings her up to my bed. I kick off my shoes and lay next to her. Nate gets the hint and leaves the room. I fucking lose it. I know I'm just overwhelmed by everything lately and also know I'm a bit depressed myself, but this was a lot to digest.  I turn to my side and study the sleeping Julia. When she sleeps she looks like a little child. Like nothing is wrong, calm. Content. I kiss her lips and close my eyes with my nose still touching her cheek.

"I love you so much. I wish I knew how to take care of you, babe. All this... it's a lot." I whisper and wipe my eyes, knowing there's no way I can care for Julia the way she needs.

 It breaks me.

 It breaks me because I saw forever with her. At one point, she saw it too. And I KNOW she feels it, she can't deny that. But feeling is just that and only that ..feeling. It's not  physically caring for someone or solving their problems. It's just feelings. Julia needs more than that. I think about all the things I'm not  and can never be..and all the things that Julia needs. I do this for almost an hour straight while looking up at the ceiling, my mind going  mile a minute.

Next thing I know, I snap out of it when I hear Julia crying. She's awake. I wrap my arms around her.

"Awww, sweetie, it's ok. Today was a lot." I whisper and kiss the side of her head. Right as she starts to wake up more, Nate comes in to check on her.

"You're awake." Nate reluctantly sits on the edge of my bed.

"I hate that he's the one who gets me. Why him? Of all people?" Julia blurts out. We both understand what she is saying and nod.

"I know, doll. Believe me. We hate that it's him, too."  He kisses her forehead while I'm still holding her, and I can tell he feels awkward being so close. both me and Julia share a little laugh at that. We're always teasing him when he gets awkward.

"But love.. you really need a shower." Nate chuckles a little, and I nod. It's been days.

"Lindsay has some clothes here you can borrow. Bottom two drawers." I tick my head to my dresser.

"Lindsay, your ex-girlfriend, Barbie doll Lindsay? Why would she take up two of your dresser drawers, James? She have a toothbrush here, too??" Julia raises an eyebrow, making me laugh at my own phrase.

"She does. We... We used to fool around a little... after the breakup." I admit like it's no big deal. Because it isn't. "Before you were ever a thing." I don't dare tell anyone we slept together this morning. I'm not with anyone so it doesn't concern them. The one person I want to be with is consumed with Nate.

"Friends with benefits. Nice." Nate shakes his head like him and Trisha weren't the same thing before her miscarriage.....with his baby.....

"It's gotta be an L.A. thing. I was faithful for seventeen years. One man." Julia shakes her head, and neither me nor Nate know what to say to that.

"Are you good to take a shower, Jules? Do you need help?" Nate asks sincerely.

"Yeah. Do you need help?" I laugh loudly, also offering to join in. Just to make Nate more uncomfortable. He can't handle shit and both me and Julia think it's hysterical. We tease him all the time about throuples and things we've done right in front of him without his knowledge.  Please. This guy is known to sleep around and has had many  women. Certainly more than me. I'm sure he's had his share of threesomes or more. But he acts like he's an angel, and it cracks us up.

"I'm FINE." Julia slowly heads to my shower while Nate rummages through Lindsay's clothes.

 I head downstairs when I hear the dog barking. Trisha and Paul are here now. We all sit outside while Jonah fills them in. He also tells them about the man who killed himself. Eric Furgeson. I remember the story well.

I watch Julia and Nate come down the stairs together. They obviously talked and are on better terms with their relationship, putting me back in 2nd place.

I think Trisha can also tell, especially when she gives me a little eye roll, and I smirk. She's funny. I DO like Trisha. I just never put much thought into things after the accident. Julia has consumed my mind for so long.

But I'm now starting to come to the conclusion that even though I may think we are meant to be together, I also need to think of what is right for Julia. And I can barely take care of myself nevermind an other human. Never mind someone like Julia. She was too weak to even take a shower on her own. I wouldn't be able to help her. And I certainly couldn't help her when she took those pills here and left me alone with her, unable to do anything or call for help ....  which will forever be one of the scariest days of my life. Feeling so helpless like that. I have nightmares over it now.

But I look at Julia and feel our connection and just can't seem to give up the addiction. I don't know how! I may not be able to take care of her, but Julia is the only one who can take care of me the way she does. Nate takes care of Julia, and Julia takes care of me. But who takes care of Nate? And who do I take care of when I can't even take care of myself.

I need to try and move on.