*James*

I hate that I'm like this. I hate the confusion, the miscommunication, not having the ability to understand a lot of things. I hate how messed up my brain is lately. I hate how emotional I am lately because of it all.

All I want is Julia. 

I wonder how long before Julia gets sick of taking care of me. How long before she wants to move on. She's with Nate. Not me. The cards are stacked against me now. Look at me. I'm a mess. I can't even fucking get myself dressed or feed myself. If anything, Julia just feels sorry for me and that hurts like hell.

I was gonna be the one to take care of her, grow old with her. She saw forever with me. Forever in my little house with me and Maggie. When she played our song in the park, it felt like goodbye. Because all I'm doing is holding her back.

I cover my eyes with my forearm, embarrassed that I can't hide my emotions anymore.

"He doesn't want me near him so I'm staying over here for a bit until he calms down. We don't know what he wants but he needs to eat." Casey says without looking up from the chart.

"James." Julia is back and I hear her walk over to the couch where I'm seated. I shake my head no and continue to cry. I don't want her to see me like this.

"Too bad. That doesn't work with me, pal." Julia pulls my arm away from my face, forcing me to look at her. "What's the matter? You love your sister's lasagna."

This has nothing to do with my sister or her damn food that I just swiped away. This has everything to do with what my life is now. I'm a burden to everyone now. My sisters, everyone here, Julia. It hurts like hell that she no longer wants to be with me. 

She chose Nate.

I shake my head, trying to tell her why I'm upset. I look down at her phone. Play the song, Julia. You'll understand when you play the song.

"What. This? Who would you like to call, James? One of your sisters? Your mom?" She lifts her phone but doesn't get what I'm trying to tell her. I tap the phone in her hand over and over again while tears stream down my face.

"The song." She says softly. She understands now. I nod and she plays the song for me. Our song. The song that now breaks my heart every time I hear it. I lean forward and wrap my arms around Julia's waist. I bury my head against her stomach, silently begging her to not give up on me.

Choose me. I'll get better. I'm trying so hard to get better for you. I cry harder while listening to the song and feel Julia thread her fingers through my hair. 

"Hey." She turns my head up to see her. "James. Did you think I was leaving? Physically leaving you?"

Yes. Eventually you WILL physically leave. 

She sits on the couch and takes my face in her hands. "Look at me. I'm not leaving you. I'll always take care of you. Ok? I just went down to the gym for a bit. Is that what got you upset?"

No. I don't want you to just take care of me. I want you to fall back in love with me. But that's over now. Look at me. I'm never gonna be the man I was before.

"James." She realizes what I'm talking about. "Is it because we're not together anymore?"

I nod and drop my forehead down to her shoulder to hide my face again.

"I know. It hurts me too." She buries her head in my shoulder and begins to cry, now understanding. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

Nate must have walked into the room because Casey begins talking to him while the song is playing.

"They did this earlier. We couldn't understand what he wanted but Julia could. I guess this is their song." Casey explains.

"Yeah. It is." Nate's British voice answers.

"He's telling her he's sad." I hear Casey's voice crack a little and push past Nate to leave the room. He gives us a moment and doesn't talk until the song ends.

"Guys. You both gotta eat. It's getting late and food's getting cold." He says softly. "C'mon. I'll help you." We watch Nate wheel over the wheelchair for me, but I quickly cover my face with my arm again... Play the song again, Julia. I'm still sad. Just stay here with me and keep playing our song. I tap her phone over and over again. Julia. Play the song.

"James, we should go eat."

No. I shake my head and continue to tap her phone until she finally gives in and plays our song again, letting me drop my head to her shoulder to cry.

*****

"After this I'll help you shower, ok?" Julia gets the ok from Casey and then helps me with dinner, assuring me she's not giving up on me like I originally thought. Though, by not wanting to be with me anymore, it makes me think sooner or later, that will be my reality.

"I'm gonna do everything I can to help you get back to that. I'll always take care of you, ok?" She says as we eat together now. She eats a bite of food and then I do. She's been doing well eating lately with our routine and when I see her struggling, I stop eating until she starts. Eventually she gives in to me and begins to eat her food. 

"Look at us. We're a sight for sore eyes, aren't we?" She laughs and I laugh with her.

"You did it again!" Julia exclaims and looks up at Casey. "He laughed! I heard his voice!" She nods and Nate smiles at Julia, seeing her happy. "I heard your voice." She kisses my forehead making me smile.

We finish everything on our plates and get ready for my shower. Jonah is walking the dog so it's Julia and Casey.

"I can do this on my own, you know. I can take care of James." Julia says while she grabs a towel out of Nate's linen closet. Please. I hate having anyone else help me in the shower. It's humiliating. Absolutely humiliating.

"Hmmm. I'm not sure. Julia. What if something happens?" She's tempted to get a break but also hesitant.

"What if I have Nate stay in his bedroom? Then if I need help, I can just grab him?"

Nate looks up from the couch. "I highly doubt he is going to want me helping him." He scoffs. You're so fricken right Hollan.

"You're not gonna need to. It's just in case something happens. That's all. I can give him his shower." Julia tells Nate who gives in with a huff. He follows me and Julia into his bedroom. He grabs his guitar and notebook and heads to one of the hairs near the window.

"Ok. We got this, right James?"  She wheels me into the bathroom and closes the door. I nod grateful it's just me and Julia now. I watch her put her hair up in a ponytail and then she helps me undress. Even though she's in a tank top and shorts, she walks right into the shower with me this time.

She washes my hair, and I can tell she's trying not to look down at my erection. She's seen it a million times, I don't know why she's suddenly weird about it. I'm still me. I smirk and shake my head at her.

"What? You think you're funny, don't you?" She laughs. Of course I do. I nod my head at her. She washes up my body but the second she has my dick in her hand I grab her wrist, pulling her in against me.

"No. We can't, remember? We're not together, James."

We can. We can do whatever we want. If it feels good, then we most certainly can, and she knows it. She'll give in. I can't resist her and begin to kiss the corner of her mouth, needing to feel her lips on mine. 

"We're not together." 

I put both my hands on her hips and look down at her. I shrug my shoulders. I get it we aren't together. I don't care. I want her. I want her so badly.

"Mr. Gallo, behave. Let me wash you." She soaps me up and I let out a sigh. I can hear my own voice starting to come through and can also tell it turns Julia on by her reaction to it. I pull her into the water, making her drop the soap, and kiss her like I mean it. With so much passion to let her know I'm still me. I'm still here and I'm desperate to be with her. Only her. She's the only woman I'll ever want.

 "I'm not having sex with you. You know that, right?"

I nod. We can do other things. I kiss down her neck and press against her. I tap her hand over and over again needing her to touch me.

"James..." She looks up at me and I give her pleading eyes before resting my forehead on hers and then I start kissing down her neck again.

She gives in.

Julia begins to stroke me, and it feels perfect. Better than perfect.

"You tell no one." She teases me knowing I can't say one damn thing. But I can feel. And I feel what she's doing to me. I look down and watch her get me off with her hand. God, she's driving me insane right now. I hold on to the back of her neck and attempt to kiss her, but she's getting me close, and my mouth can only linger on hers for a moment before I move in close to her ear.  What she is doing to me makes me moan and I quietly do so right against her ear. 

"You're trying to tease me, now. Aren't you?" She breathes out and I smile against her ear, knowing I'm getting to her. My voice comes through a little more when she moves her hand faster and my grip on the back of her neck tightens. Fuck. It feels so good. 

 "You're getting close, aren't you?"

Julia's breath hitches when I moan into her ear and nod...getting ready to let go. I can tell I'm starting to get her worked up a little and I begin to move my hips getting ready to come. We both look down and I let go, letting out a louder moan. She kisses me hard while helping me ride out my orgasm, like she can't hold it in and it's all I've ever needed.

"God, you're so spoiled. You know that?" She whispers against my neck, and I smile and nod.

I don't want to go one day without her. Julia takes good care of me in every single way. No one else would do the things she does. I love her and would do the exact same for her. 

I really hope she changes her mind. We are meant to be a couple, and she knows it. She's stubborn is what she is. But once I can get myself better. Once I can heal and can do things for myself again, I'll win her back. I have to.