*James*

I'd be lying if I said I think I'll get better because right now, the smallest things that I can't do are getting the best of me. PT with Ryan today was awful, and so was my attitude, which isn't like me. Ryan thinks my coordination will still improve, but I'm beginning to lose hope.

Now I can hear Julia and Nate fighting in his room. She's in the middle of detox and already irritable. The last thing she needs is arguments.  I give Jonah a run for his money on helping me so Julia and Nate will stop fighting. If she hears me, she'll stop, and they can take a step back and refocus. I also know the wiring in my brain is not lining up well today,  and I'm getting frustrated with my words, with my coordination, with everything.

Julia comes out of the room heated and slams the door behind her. She stomps over to me and grabs my hand harshly, still mad at Nate. They are always fighting. I stand up, and she drags me across the room.

"C'mon James," Julia turns around and glares at Nate. "I'LL help you get ready for bed." She pulls me by the hand to my room while giving Nate a dirty look.

"Ugh. She's so damn stubborn." We hear Nate say while Julia helps me in my room.

"I can HEAR you!" She yells.

"SHE'S SO DAMN STUBBORN!"  He yells back. They act like children when they get like this.

"He's such a child. C'mere." She sits me down and helps me untie my sneakers. "You try and untie your left one,  and I will do the right. Ok?" 

My hands just aren't working. I keep trying,  but it's useless. I'm worse than a fucking five year old.

"I can't get it." I sniff on the brink of tears but keep trying. "I can't fucking get it." The frustration takes over and I cover my eyes with my forearm.

"Hey." Julia pulls my arm down and looks at me. "It's ok. We can try again tomorrow. It's late and you're tired. That's all."

She quickly  unties my laces and helps me get ready for bed. Once in bed I lay on my side and wait for her. This is the only time I get with her where it's just the two of us aside from taking a shower.

"Please? Just till I fall asleep?" 

"Yeah, ok. Just for a little bit." She slides into my bed and faces me. She rests her shaky hand on my face and I put my hand on top of hers. "But you need to get used to falling asleep without help soon, ok?"

I don't answer her.

"You look so sad, James." I never want Julia to see me depressed like this. It's been a long time since I've had to deal with depression and I can't seem to snap out of it.

"Do you remember that day we were doing laundry together at the hotel? We had both just found out we had something in common. Losing our boys. We went outside because you had Maggie in the car and I wanted to see her."

"Yeah."

"I asked you how you stay so happy. And you said, 'I promised myself I'd be the best version of... me, when I found out I was gonna be a dad.' and you just shrugged like it was no big deal. You said,'I keep my promises. I know my lil man is up there watching me. I will be the best version I can be for him no matter what.'"

I feel a lump in my throat form. Of course I remember this. I think of what Carter must think of me now. Look at me. This isn't the man I want him to see. This is the worst version of me, not the best.

"I'm gonna get you back to that. Happy. The best version of you. He's in there somewhere." She presses her hand on my heart and I turn to lay on my back.

"I'm. I'm gonna be like this forever, huh?"

"I don't know. But either way, I'm going to help you no matter what? Ok? I'll always take care of you." She rests her head on my chest.

"But... you won't. It'll get old. It'll get old for everyone. I'll be all alone." My voice cracks as I fill with emotion. "I'll.... be like this and all alone."

"You're my best friend. You'll never be alone -"

"You know what I mean, Julia." I snap at her, which is so unlike me.

"I'll always love you."

"Yet you're gonna marry him." I huff and close my teary eyes. She kisses my lips and lays against me.

 "I'll always love you, James."

******

*Trisha*

"I'll be with Nate in meetings today, so looks like you get the day off." I glance over at the half-asleep bodyguard and get out of his bed.

"Isn't Julia in the middle of detox? I guarantee I won't have today off." He huffs.

"Well, enjoy. I'm gonna be late if I don't get going." I quickly give Paul a kiss before getting ready for work.

I give Paul a kiss. That still sounds so strange to me sometimes. Especially when I'm so focused on Nate 99.9% of my days.

The first thing I do when Nate picks me up is go over this whole engagement bullshit.Of course.... it turns into a fight.

"So what. You gonna go public with this? Your engagement? What are you gonna tell Elliott? And RICHARD?! He's gonna have a cow. Can you slow down?! Jesus Christ, Nate!"

"No. I'm not going public with it yet so don't you dare open your big mouth, Banks. I mean it. I need to sort things out with Julia first. When she is done with her withdrawals." He takes a sharp turn and I glare at him.

"You need to start driving Trish. You have to get over this fear."

"She's just gonna relapse. You said it yourself. Julia is just like Cara." I change the subject all together. "You marry her and you get a life of withdrawals and detox and reha-"

He slams on the brakes on purpose, stopping the car in the middle of the road pissing off everyone around us.

"Are you done?!! Because I'm not driving until you shut the hell up."

"Nate, DRIVE!" I shriek.

"I asked you a question. Are you done?" He leans back without a care in the fucking world.

"Yes! ok? Now drive! Go!" My heart is pounding. He's gonna get us killed.

He starts driving again.

"You're fucking crazy, you know that?"

"Sure do. And for your information, I don't care if I get a life full of withdrawals and detox and rehab so long as it's a life with Julia. You won't get it until you find someone you want to marry. Then you'll understand."

"What I understand is... you're gonna piss off a lot of fans and your managers with the timing of this engagement. You just love to make things harder for yourself, don't you!"

"Sure do." He sighs, happy to be parked in front of the studio and end the conversation. "Now go. Go find something to do in there. I have practice." He huffs and slams the door, not bothering to wait for me before walking into the building. 

We get through a few meetings before Nate has a practice so I get some work done in his studio. That's when Elliott and Richard come in. Together. Nothing good happens when your producer AND publicist comes in together. 

"Nate is at his practice, correct?" Richard pulls a chair out across from me. I don't get nervous often but I do with him. Elliott sits down next to him.

"What's going on? You two look like you've been up to no good." I tease but know something is up. And it's not gonna be good for Nate.

"Because we have. We're gonna run something by you and would like your opinion. Not that it will matter. We've already decided." Richard has evil written all over his face.

They tell me what's going to happen and I suddenly feel sick to my stomach for Nate. They can't really do this, can they? They can. Of course they can. It's been done before. Plenty of times. Anything to make a buck.

I'm told to keep this to myself until they meet up with Nate but I don't keep much from Nate and  an awful liar. Sounds like my job would be on the line though if this leaks out.

Richard and Elliott tell me the plan and quickly scurry out of the room before Nate's practice is over.

Shit.

Shit!

"Shit!" I slam my laptop closed and bury my face in my arms on top of it. This is awful!

Nate comes in shortly after and starts making small talk while I'm typing on the laptop. Knowing what I know, I can't even look at him.  

"It's nice that James can talk now, yeah?" Nate leans back in his chair ready to crack his head open.

"Mmm hmm." I don't look up from my laptop. "One of these days you're gonna crack your head open." I finally look up at him and smirk  "Didn't think I noticed, didja."

He does it again. Because he's Nate.

"Did you say you and James had a little thing going on before the accident?" 

"What do you want, Nate? I'm working."

"Nothing, I'm just saying. You and James..." He now almost really fall backwards again so this time sits up and stays grounded.

"What about me and James?" 

"I don't know. You guys would be good together."

"We're just friends, Nate." I begin typing again.

"I mean, yeah. Right now you are... but that could change."

"James is in love with your girlfriend, remember? He will never love anyone else. I see the way he looks at her. And the way she looks at him. Listen Playboy, I tell you over and over again what a bad idea this is for a reason. I don't want to see you get hurt. This thing with Julia...it's a phase. That's all it is."

"It's not a phase, Trisha. We're getting----" He purposely leaves out the word with ears everywhere.

'You're setting yourself up for disaster. Don't say I didn't warn you." I pinch the tension between my eyes.

"You're a buzzkill today, you know that?"

"Nate, what exactly is it you see in Julia?"

*****

*James*

"Fair warning. He's not in a good mood today." I hear Julia warn Lindsay before she walks into my room. I don't bother getting off the couch or greeting Linds like I usually do. I'm down in a funk today and only getting worse..

"Hi James!" Lindsay's bubbly self fills the room as she heads my way.

Maggie hears Lindsay's voice and excitedly runs out from wherever she was playing to greet her owner. Lindsay sits on the floor and gives the dog attention for a few minutes before Maggie jumps up on the couch and lays right across my lap. She can sense my depression.

"Go on Mags, It's mommy's turn." I say to my dog. Lindsay stands up and sits right next to me now.

"You ok?"

"I'm fine." I say dryly.

"You know what? I actually have a ton of work to do this week. Is it ok if Maggie stays with you for a few more days?"

Obviously we know what she's doing. She wouldn't have driven twenty minutes away to pick up her dog and then suddenly remember she's busy.

"No, it's your turn, Linds. You deserve to see her too." 

"It's fine. She can sense you need her more than me. She's a good therapy dog, huh?" Lindsay rests her head on my shoulder while we both pet Mags. "You ok, James?" She asks again.

"Yep." I lie and watch Julia cone sit on the other side of me to pet  Maggie, who is loving this attention.

"Oh my God, Julia!!!!" Lindsay jumps out of her seat startling us all and grabs Julia's hand.

Shit. Of course she'd notice that rock. It practically fucking glows in the dark. It's hard NOT to notice it.

"Are you... holy shit!"

"Lindsay." Julia pulls her hand away. "You can NOT tell anyone. It hasn't gone public yet. Lindsay, I mean it. Nate has to talk to his publicist and managers and it's this whole big thing. Please promise me you wont say anything!"

"Ok ok ok. I promise. Man, you're gonna be on soooo many fans shitlist! All those girls with their high hopes of someday marrying THE Nate Hollan!!" Lindsay blurts out.

"I'm so jealous!" Linds gets up and gives Julia a hug before heading out.

"We'll touch base in a few days, k James?" She kisses my cheek and just like that, she's out the door...without her dog. 

Julia rushes to take the ring off and then heads back into my room. She plops down next to me and Maggie lays across us both, now wanting to be spoiled.

"Is Lindsay good at keeping secrets?"  Julia asks and I laugh internally.

"Nope. Not at all. Sorry, babe."

She slouches down, leans her head on the back of the couch and closes her eyes. I do the same thing.

"I can't believe she noticed."

"You're.." I stutter a little. "You're kidding right?"

She opens her eyes and turns her head without lifting it to see me already looking at her.

"Maybe if you didn't wear such an obnoxiously large ring she...she wouldn't have noticed." I squint my eyes at her. The thing is huge. Celebrity huge. But that's what this is. A celebrity engagement. A celebrity marriage.

"Hey. Be nice. It's beautiful."

"Bet he paid a million bucks for it or something, huh?" I look away.

"1.5 to be exact." Julia blurts out. I know she has no filter but really didn't want to know this information.

"I can never compete with that." I frown and close my eyes.

"I don't want you to compete with that. With anything. You know that. You're my best friend, James. I love you no matter what." While petting Maggie, she accidentally grazes my hand. I notice, and my hand touches hers back. Her pinky finger links with mine and we hold hands. It's like a lightening bolt runs right through me from the smallest touch of Julia's. She feels it too. I can tell. I rub my thumb across hers and she looks at me.

"Bet you don't feel that when you hold his hand." I gaze into her eyes and watch her swallow hard. Because it's fucking true.

*****

*Trisha*

"What's your issue today, Trisha? You've had an attitude all day."

God, Nate. If you only knew what's in store for you. I'm gonna have to warn him. Not here. Not now.

"All I asked is what you see in Julia to make you want to marry her. You have been so against marriage all these years. And NOW you're ready to get hitched to the first crazy that catches your eye so you throw your career away? I mean.... c'mon Nate." 

"I'm not throwing my career away."

"You are, Nate. You're gonna lose fans. You'll be lucky if you break even after the tour is over. You need to come to your senses."

"The only thing I'm sensing is jealousy. I'm with someone and you're single. Your last relationship was an asshole. That's not my fault. I can't help that I want to move forward with life and you are stuck in "Dave -mode.""

"You're kidding me, right? You need to grow up." Oh my Gosh. He's not for real right now, is he?

"Why do you hate Julia so much, Trish? Seriously. I'm asking for real. Because she is gonna be a part of my life and you will always be a part of my life, so it would really be beneficial to me if you two fucking got along."

"I don't hate her. I never said I hated her. She just consumes a lot of everyone's time. Their lives. And brings on a ton of drama while doing so. I know she doesn't mean to. She has problems. Real problems. But I hate to see you and that heart of yours deal with more than you can handle because of it. I love you Nate. I care about you. Like Julia cares for James. I want to see you succeed and be happy. It's great that you want to help her but it WILL suck the life out of you. Like Cara. It's a lot to handle and you know it, Nate. All I want is for you to be happy. And this..... this isn't it."

I can see him overthinking shit so I  stand and go to his side of the table. I wrap my arms around his neck  from behind and hug him.

"I just want you to be happy, Nate. That's all."

He closes his eyes and holds my arm while taking a deep breath. "I know you do, Trish."

*****

*James*

I hold Julia's hand and touch her cheek before focusing on her perfect lips.

"Julia..."

"James."

I kiss her and she kisses me back. This is how it's supposed to be and she knows it. We continue to make out. Maggie gets the hint and the dog jumps off and heads to her toys.

"I want you right here and right now." I say close to her ear.

"We can't."

"We can. We can do whatever we want Julia." I kiss her neck and she lets me continue before coming to her senses.

"Wait."

"HEY! Knock it off!"

Jonah's voice echoes through the room, making us both jump and back away.

Jonah is standing in the doorway with Julia's meds. I stand up, now sporting a hard on for all to see.

"You! Meds. You! Go in the bathroom and take care of yourself. She's fucking engaged." 

I smirk and walk out of the room. I got to Julia. She can't deny that. God, if she'd only give me a fucking chance, she'd see.

****

Of course Jonah would tell Nate about Julia and I kissing so I'm not surprised when they come in to my room with this new plan. And of course I'm gonna be fucking upset over it. We don't need babysitters. We are adults. If Julia wants to kiss me she can. She knows she's making a fucking mistake being with Nate and I'm going to take every opportunity I can to  show her and let her know. She feels something different with me. And I feel the same thing. I'm so in love with her, more than I've ever been in love with anyone.

But now, we need damn chaperones. Even when I take a shower.  Of course, that's when most shit happens between us so this isn't shocking news that Nate and Jonah don't let her help me unless someone else is there too.

What's even better? Tonight Nate doesn't have a choice but to chaperone us. Jonah had to step out and mini-Julia Casey is sleeping.

"This is silly." Julia huffs.

"You think I enjoy this? Look at the guy!" Jealousy doesn't look good on Nate. I think it's funny. We are two completely different body types but I  work out for different reasons than Hollan. I've been busting my ass for years to  be able to physically protect my family. He does it just to  be healthy or just to show off..

"Just...do what needs to be done so we can ALL go to bed soon." Nate sits at the vanity purposely not looking at me. Julia helps me in the shower and like always, has me try to do things on my own. You know what's great? I can't. And now Nate can see how pathetic I look. My face reddens as I keep dropping the soap and I feel like an idiot. Julia can sense my embarrassment and takes over for me. She washes me up, washes my hair, does everything she normally without fooling around.

"Alright James. You're all set. I'll give you a few more minutes in here while I go get your clothes, ok?" Julia leaves the room and I face away from Nate, taking in the hot water. If it weren't for Nate agreeing to this, I'd be stuck living with my sisters. Or worse- a nursing home. And Julia.....this gives her a purpose, taking care of me. Take that away and she would fall into a depression. 

"Thanks.... thanks for doing this so Julia can take care of me. Taking care of me...it's hard but gives her a purpose." I stutter a little but get it out. Nate nods.

"Of course. I love her. I'd do anything to make her happy, Mate. You know that. Caring for you makes her happy. That's why I'm stuck sitting here right now."

"I love her too. That's the problem." I turn around to make eye contact with Nate. I don't care if he sees me. I know what I've got. I clumsily grab the towel hanging on the wall and dry my face and hair while stepping out of the massive shower. Nate keeps his eyes to himself.

"Here we go. Oh you're out. Good job, James." Julia puts the clothes on the counter and shuts off the water. She takes another towel to continue drying me off and then helps me get dressed. She helps me with everything but first makes me try a few times. From trying to take the cap off the deodorant to getting the toothpaste on the toothbrush. I struggle with everything. And people wonder why I'm depressed. I thank her and leave the room to go pity myself after having Hollan witness all the things I CAN'T do.

"C'mon Mags." My dog follows me into my bedroom and I sit on the couch. She jumps up and wants me to pet her.

"What would I do without you, you big baby." I scruff her ears and she licks my chin. "I'm gonna lose her, Mags. She's gonna marry him. I can't win. What's the point of even trying anymore?"

I let my depression take over. I'm gonna have to start therapy again if this keeps up. I can see myself slipping just like I did when Carter died. I can't go back down that road. I've come too far and worked too damn hard. 

I need to figure my shit out.

Julia comes in with her shadow, Nate, right behind her to make sure we behave. This is actually ridiculous.  But Nate still lets Julia help me fall asleep, so I'm grateful for that. And we do. I fall asleep right away, knowing she is right next to me and safe. 

*****

*Trisha*

I need to warn Nate before he finds out from Richard and Elliott what the plan is. I decide what better place than a public place so he can't freak out on me.

"Looks like your interview is in a few days." I look at the calendar on the app while sitting in the café with Nate.

"Which one?"

"Heartbreak Hotel." I swallow hard. Shit. Just tell him. Spit it out, Trisha. Don't stall.

"Let's go over some of the questions that may pop up. Like her interest in you."

"WHAT? Why would she bring that up?" Nate says way too loud, and I glare at him. Maybe a public place won't work with the way he's been acting lately.  Eyes and ears everywhere.

"Because she's Mila Giovanni and very public about her celebrity crush on you. It's almost comical."

"I mean. I guess I'll just say it's flattering, but I'm engaged. Imagine if THAT'S how the world finds out?" 

Oh my God, no. He has no idea, and I can't bring myself to tell him yet.

"Richard would have your head. Don't you dare!"

"Trish, I really don't think it's a big deal. We can set up a meeting with Richard and Elliott before the interview and tell him. Watch, I bet he'll be fine."

"Yeah, ok, Playboy. You keep thinking that. If you weren't so hung up on Julia, you'd be all over Mila. We all know that." Ok. Now's the time. tell him before the meeting.

"Just the person I was looking for." Elliott comes into the café and makes himself at home right in our booth.

 FUCK!!!!

 I'm too late!  Oh my God. I'm too fucking late! I feel myself starting to panic internally. Shit shit shit.

"Hi Elliott, what's up?" Nate asks and my heart drops for him. I already know the news. I busy myself on my laptop and try not make eye contact.

"Looks like the Heartbreak Hotel video will be ready sooner rather than later. I wanted to go over a couple of things with you. You have an interview coming up soon with Miss Giovanni, correct? This was a big project and we want to market the video, market you, as much as possible before your tour. Sales are steady but we can do more. I just had a meeting with Richard."

"Why did you have a meeting with Richard about me without me?" Nate asked confused.

"Because this will be a sensitive topic and I think you will need your publicist's help to stay on track, that's why."

"Spit it out, Elliott."

"PR Stunt. PR Relationship. You've had to do it before. Everyone does it. You and Mila. Fake relationship. Just for a bit. It'll generate a ton of media attention. It'll create a buzz that elevates your profile. Sales. The video."

"You're out of your fucking mind." Nate blurts out and I kick him under the table. "No way. I already have a girlfriend." Fortunately, we are the only ones in this dead café .

I feel sick to my stomach. Because Nate has no say in the matter now. The decision has already been made for him.

"Too bad. Talk to her. She'll be fine. It'll just be a few dates here and there, a few carefully planned events where media will be taking pictures to potentially leak out. Just until Tour and then you can break it off. Say traveling got in the way or some shit."

"That means I go back to hiding my relationship with Julia? For a PRETEND relationship with Mila Giovanni? No fucking way."

"Sorry Hollan. You don't have a choice. This was Richard's idea. You're just gonna have to go with it. Your girlfriend will understand. It's temporary. Fake. Go back to hiding your relationship with her for a little while while we rake in the money. Richard has already made up his mind and is in a meeting with Mila and her team right now."

"WHAT?! Oh my God. I can't believe this." Nate stands up and leaves the café. 

"Well that went well." Elliott sits back in the booth.

"Can you blame him? This is awful news. Richard just uses him for the pay, not caring how it affects his REAL life. How this will affect his relationship." I don't dare tell Elliott any details on Julia. That's not for me to talk about.

"She'll get over it."

"I hate the way  Richard uses Nate. It's not right." I pack up my stuff and shake my head. "It's not fair to Nate and you know it, Elliott."

A PR stunt with Mila Giovanni. If only they knew what she did to Nate. Even after he said no. She is too risky to be around. Nate's gonna do something and jeopardize it all.  I know Nate. I know he won't be able to control himself around Mila if she keeps at it.  Nobody can compete with a woman like that. Not only would he most likely fall for her, but He'll fall hard. Not only ruining Julia but me.