*James*

Don't get me wrong. I love my all my sisters. With all my heart. But when they come over and act like I can participate in their conversation and go on like there's nothing different about me, it hurts. It's just a reminder I don't fit in, not even with my own family anymore. I can barely laugh at their jokes or keep up with how fast the girls talk anymore. I can't tell funny stories or participate in the conversation. I literally just sit here, smile and nod. And I know the girls are trying. They don't know how to act around me anymore. Nobody knows.

And  I know I'm falling into a depression over my current life. Don't think I'm not aware. But there's nothing I can do about it, can I?  Not like I can tell someone. Not like I can go talk to a therapist. I can't fucking talk.  All I can do is cry and I'm surprised no one has caught on to how bad my depression is right now. How bad I probably should go on medication. But I have no way of telling them. I think Julia is starting to get it, but I also don't want to burden her. I should be the shoulder she can cry on, not the other way around. So I sit here under this skin, falling more into a dark hole every single day, praying someone will notice and pull me out.

Is that healthy? Probably not. Is anything we do under this roof healthy? Probably not.

"How ya doing, mate?" Nate notices I'm starting to want my sisters to head home. They've been here since four. Again. I love them all to pieces, I'm just not in a good place mentally right now.

"Are you ready for your company to go now or would you like them to stay?" How the hell would you like me to answer this pal. A nod or a shake. C'mon, now. Nate catches on and rephrases his question.

"Do you want them to go?" He looks at me and I nod, ready to call it a night.

"Alright ladies. Hate to break it up here, but this man is getting tired and still needs to shower and get ready for bed." Nate says and the girls get it. They spend the next fifteen minutes coddling me and saying their goodbyes and I love you's before finally getting into the elevator.

"Better?" Nate smiles and I nod. "Hey. Lets go check on Jules, yeah? She's not having the greatest of days." He helps me to my feet and I follow him to the bedroom. 

There she is.

Curled up in her ball under the covers.

Checked out.

What's going on? I furrow my brows and give Nate a confused look as to why Julia is sad. He guides me to the recliner next to the bed as she sits up and wipes her eyes. She's so sad. It breaks me.

"I'm trying not to shut down." She says unconvincingly. "I'm really trying."

"I know you are, doll. Why don't you talk to James for awhile. You always feel better after you talk to your best friend, right?" Nate sits on the edge of the bed and kisses the top of her head. Julia nods and he leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Before she can even utter a word she looks at me and begins to cry.

Babe, what's the matter? Talk to me. I can't fix it but I can listen. That's about all I can do right now.  I make space for Julia on the recliner and pat the empty spot. She's only in a long T-shirt but she doesn't care. She crawls in next to me and brings the big white blanket with her, wrapping us both in it together. I could stay just like this with her forever. I wrap my arms around her and  she puts her head on her chest. I feel like in some ways, I can still comfort her. Even if I can't speak.

"Luke texted me today."

Shit. Seriously? Can anything else bad happen to this poor thing??

 She cries harder and I squeeze her arm letting her know I'm here and listening. 

"He is gonna be in town for work and needs to talk to me. Probably because my hospital bills got sent to him because I'm still on his medical insurance. I don't want to see him. He doesn't know I'm aware of the affair. He thinks I checked out forever and will never remember. But you know I do. I should make him read every one of those journals."

You really should, babe. Make him read every single entry.

"I'm not gonna pretend like I forgot, but seriously, it was put on the backburner since the car accident...and then everything with Jeremy. Now it's just all coming back to me again. I don't know how much shit I can handle, ya know?" Hearing all this. Seeing her cry. It tears me apart and I can't hide it. She's my best friend. I love her. I love her more than a best friend and she knows this. So when she looks up at me she's not surprised when a tear rolls down my face for her. She wipes it away and frowns.

 "I'm sorry. I don't want to upset you. You have enough going on. I just need 'my best friend James' tonight. I know you understand me. Even IF you can't speak. I know you're in there somewhere."

Don't apologize. Your 'Best Friend James' is still here. I understand every single thing you are saying. I nod and she hugs me tighter while she breaks down. For a good amount of time. I just lay here next to her and stroke her hair over and over again to calm her.

"I wish you could talk. I wish I could hear your voice." She cries. I have no way to change that. I'm trying sweetie. God, I'm trying so hard to figure this out. To speak. To just ...say anything.

"I miss your voice so much. I just wanna hear you." She whispers and closes her eyes and the only thing I  can think of to do is to somehow show her she's loved. She's safe.  I gently kiss her lips and feel fireworks run through my entire body. It feels like our kiss at a parking lot. At a place.

Holy shit. At Griffith Park. 

I remember! I kiss her the same way, and she parts her lips. She's letting me kiss her.  She's actually grabbing my shirt and pulling me in more, kissing me back with more desperation. I deepen the kiss and we move a little faster, both feeling more than we can handle now. I can't get enough of her. I can't pull away. I never could.

We begin to make out on the recliner, with our bodies flush up against each other and move faster, with more intensity. I'm hard as rock now and she can feel it. I need to feel her. I'm able to slide my hands down her back and cup her ass to pull her in to me more. She lets me.

Is she going to let me do everything tonight? I never know with Julia. One minute she's all no no no and the next she's all yes yes yes. She's a very complex girl. 

I pull her in and press into her more and my voice escapes me when I gasp close to her ear. It's the only sound I know how to make. This is the only way I know how to hear my own voice. And Julia hears it too. And it turns her on.

"I can hear you." She whispers in my ear and pulls me in now. I let out a few soft moans in her ear. "Please, don't stop. I can hear you. All I wanna do is hear you."

She wants this. This is Julia. 

Julia.....and James....

I tug at her underwear clumsily needing to be inside her and she pulls her underwear down so one leg is free. I pull her bent leg up so her knee rests on my shoulder giving me all the access I need. Julia is tiny but she's also so damn flexible. Which is hot as hell.

She pulls my pants down and I don't even have to move. I spring out and am right where she needs me to be. I slowly push into her and moan in her ear while we are under the blanket on the recliner. 

Oh my God. This is all I ever want. This moment right here. Julia is feeling it too. She's all over me and letting me consume her. My voice comes out in my groans, gasps and moans and I make sure I'm close to her ear so she can hear everything just like she wants it. I'm deliberately going slow tonight to show her,  I'm not here to be harsh or rough. She's had enough harshness. I want to make love to her.

I can feel her pulsating around me. I keep my head over her shoulder and mouth close to her ear, letting my voice come out with each thrust. I can feel her clenching her muscles. She's gonna orgasm even with me going so slow.

"Oh God...James... you feel so good. You're here." 

Yes! I'm here baby. I'm still me. I'm still James. She pulls my hair and I lose control, slamming into her faster now. Both of us barely hanging on.

"Fuck..."She breathes out and I moan again, feeling my own build up ready to explode. I don't know if I can hold on much longer. This all feels amazing. "I'm gonna...oh God," She closes her eyes and hits her high, letting out a loud moan as I send her over the edge. Her entire body reacts and I crash in to her  with a loud "Ooh" sound coming out of me. I've never been able to do that but what I'm feeling right now..... I can't even explain it. 

Julia hits orgasm after orgasm with me like always which I love. I know I'm doing all the right things, hitting all the right spots. Julia's breath hitches when involuntarily twitch inside her and feel her muscles tighten around me. She's gonna come undone again.

Fuck.

I move faster. Harder. I pant and moan and groan, my voice louder, bringing tears to her eyes. I can't hold it in any longer and inhale sharply right as she hits another high and her body shakes around me. I thrust into her hard and  release inside her. We both let out a sigh and ride it out together.

This. This felt amazing. 

This made me feel whole again.

Then. Julia cries. She cries hard and holds me tight while I'm still rocking in and out of her under the blanket. She feels me. She knows I'm very much still with her.

"I missed you so much!" She exclaims. I nod and bury my face in her hair. 

She's still with me. Even if it's just as a best friend. She's still with me.

We both hold each other and cry hard. We fall asleep just like this. With me still inside her.  With her all around me. We fall asleep.

******

I wake up  a few hours later to Julia having a PTSD Night Terror. Now, I know the rules. You're not supposed to go near the person, touch the person, try to wake the person up.... But my dick is literally still buried inside the woman.

I pull out and clumsily try to adjust myself before I hold Julia to comfort her. I push her hair away from her face. She's have cold sweats and crying  but it doesn't last long. She knows she's safe in my arms.  Julia looks over and we both see Nate.

 Nate is fast asleep and I wonder what he must have thought when he came into his room to see the two of us like this.

At the moment, I don't care.

"I cant keep doing this. I'm so tired. I can't keep this up for much longer."

This has become a real problem for Julia. This is her cry for help. Her cry for help and I can't even make anyone aware. This is how it starts. When you become so overtired your mind plays tricks on me. Believe me, sweetie, I've been there. 

Julia is struggling. She's getting lost in her own head. Someone needs to see this. Someone needs to help her.

But all I can do is nod and hold her, kissing the side of her head. I'm trying to stay awake until someone else can help her but it's hard. I'm fighting it for her. She can tell.

"Go back to sleep. I'm gonna go out on the balcony for a minute and will come right back, ok?" She kiss my forehead and then the corner of my lips, letting me fall back to sleep.

*****

*Trisha*

I can't sleep.

My brain won't shut down. Not for a minute. I'm struggling. Aren't we all? But I'm really struggling. I don't think I want to be pregnant. I obviously am not getting an abortion. But.... this is changing things. I can tell. It's putting a strain on me and Nate's friendship. We're fighting more and more. I'm worried I won't be able to tour with Nate. His job is my life. I mean, that's how we met. Working with him, for him, next to him.

Then I think about that damn crash. How I could have prevented everything if I got behind the wheel. I knew James was tired. This whole thing is entirely my fault. James wouldn't be the way he is now if I drove.

I miss my friend.

I miss "James the receptionist."

I miss the old Nate.

I miss the old me.

"Banks. Really?" Paul opens my door and studies me. Apparently while lost in my own self pity I was a sobbing mess of tears, sitting up in bed with my knees to my chest. He's only in a pair of boxer briefs and I've never seen Paul without clothes on. I mean. He's fucking hot. Like James hot. But now's not the time.

"Sorry. Paulie." I woke him up. I wipe my tears and look at the bodyguard who looks back at me with sympathy I've never seen from him before. 

I begin to cry again.

"I'm struggling, Paul. I'm really struggling with shit." I hide my face in my hands, unable to stop my tears. Next thing I know, I feel the covers lift up.

"Ok, Ok. C'mere." Paul gets in my bed and pulls me in to his chest, letting me fucking sob like Julia would. He strokes my hair and not in any kind of sexual way. He's comforting me and it's just what I needed to help me calm down.

 I know everything happens for a reason and believe me. I wish this whole Dave thing never existed. But if this happened while I was living here all alone.... with no Paul here....I don't know. I'm not in a good headspace right now.

 I'm Trisha Banks. I'm supposed to be stronger than this. It's what's expected of me. It's what Nate expects of me.

But Paul doesn't. He doesn't expect that out of me. He doesn't put that kind of weight on me. It's not his job.  His job is to keep people safe. This is Paul, keeping me safe.

I fall asleep right in his arms. Safe.