*James*

I lay across the hotel bed sideways while watching Julia get ready for our day together.

"Before session, I'm gonna go visit my mom. Wanna come with me?" I ask. Julia's putting on her makeup in the bathroom in just her bra and matching underwear, killing me right now. I take a deep breath and try not to stare.

"Really??" She looks at me through the bathroom mirror. "I'd love to meet your mom."

"You'll probably meet a few of my crazy sisters if that's ok. Katie and Kendall live with mom, but we all help take care of her." I get up and walk over to the window. Julia should probably know about my mother's situation before she meets her.

"How old is your mom??"

"I dunno. Late 50's early 60s, I guess? I should know, huh." I shrug and stare out the window.

"Oh. She's not that old. She needs to be taken care of??" Julia walks out of the bathroom and puts her flannel shirt on but doesn't button it. She stops short when I tell her about mom.

"She has dementia. Just started about a year ago." I turn to make eye contact.

"That's awful. I'm sorry." She walks over and hugs me, and I wrap my arms around her under her open flannel. God, I could take her right here and now with her looking like this. But I continued the conversation. I stare at her lips a little too long, and it's noticed.

"It's ok. We all help her. It's not bad yet. Finish up, Miss Moretti. She lives 45 minutes away." I sigh and reel myself in, letting go of the beautiful woman in the room so she can finish getting ready.

*****

I pick up Maggie because she gets a lot of attention from the girls at Mom's house, and we head out. It's a good 45-minute drive, but it goes by fast. We listen to music and chat a little.

"We're at Nana's house, Mags." I open the car door at the same time Kendall opens the front door.

"Maggie!!" Kendall yells excitedly.

"Hi to you too, Kendall." For the first time ever, Maggie stays at Julia's side instead of running up to my sister. "What the heck, Mag?!?"

"I know, right??" I shake my head and kiss Ken on the cheek before walking into the house. "This is Julia. I told you about her." My sisters know ALL about Julia. But they also know I'm happy she's back so no one will be rude to her. They are all good like that.

"C'mon in. Make yourself at home. Apparently, you have won over Maggie's heart." Kendall walks Julia in and makes her feel welcomed.

I head into the kitchen real quick to check on mom and say hi. When I come back, Julia is looking at all the pictures of everyone on the walls. I don't mind. This isn't the house we grew up in and no pictures of Joe. Only good memories make it up on the walls of this house.

"Come meet my mom." I grab Julia's hand and head to the kitchen. Ma loves sitting in the little sunroom off the kitchen and seems content so far. Though I only said a quick hi while raiding the fridge, so I don't think she actually saw my face.

I hesitantly walk over, unsure which version of mom I will get. God, please be the regular version. When I lean down, she flinches and furrows her brows at me.

Shit.  Not the mom I wanted.

"Why are you here, Joe?" Mom tenses up, and fear takes over her face. A huge lump forms in my throat, and I look away. I hate this!

"Ma, it's James." Kendall says from behind Julia.

"Get him out of here!" She screams in my face. I remind myself I can't take this personally. Over and over again, I try to remind myself and stay composed, but this breaks me.

"Mom." I bend down and close my eyes, putting mom's hands on my face in hopes she will come to and see it's her son, not my fucking abusive father. "It's me, mom. James."

"Jamie!" She wraps her arms around me. Oh, thank God. I exhale not even realizing I was holding my breath the entire time.

"She does this sometimes. James looks like..." Kendall doesn't finish her sentence, but Julia catches on.

Once Maggie hears ma's voice, she leaves Julia and sits by mom's feel instead. My little therapy dog.

"Mom trumps everyone." Kendall smirks, shaking her head at the dog who is no longer interested in Julia.

We stay for a few hours. Julia seems comfortable here. Kendall loves her which is also a relief. But then, as the day goes on, and mom gets tired, I'm back to being Joe. I can only take so much before I need to leave the room. Today was bad. She becomes deathly afraid of me when she looks at my eyes. The eye color I share with my scumbag father. The only one in the family with blue eyes.

Katie comes home with the groceries for the week and gets to meet Julia too. I take the paper bags and help her with the groceries, but also take the plastic bag too, peeking in to see what Katie bought.

"Hey! Don't look in that bag!" Katie catches me and rips the bag outta my hands. "That's one of your birthday gifts!!" She pulls the bag away and puts it behind her back. Rats.

"Cmon. One peak."

"Nope. Not happening. Sunday."

I swat her away and head back to the living room where Kendall is up to no good.

"What are you two up to in here? I sense trouble."

"None of your business. I'm inviting Julia over for your birthday dinner on Sunday."

"You know you don't have to do anything for my birthday. Julia, you don't have to come. They're being lame."

"It's your BIRTHDAY! Of course you should be celebrated!" Julia kisses my cheek in front of Ken.

"Before I forget..." I walk back into the kitchen and give Katie the envelope with money. Some of the money I make from helping Paul goes right to mom for her groceries and medications and crap. This pay was only $200 but it's better than nothing.

"Thank you."

Ma gets worse and I can't take much more, so we say our goodbyes and head out. We had the radio on but talked over it the entire ride back, not paying any attention to the songs.

"Yeah, it's hard." I continue our conversation. "We're still trying to get used to it and sort things out. Katie quit her job as a nurse to live with mom and take care of her. Mom wouldn't be able to stay home without Katie."

I hold in my emotion while we chat, and I answer Julia's questions before head to Grief therapy.

*****

*Trisha*

"You know the band's here waiting for you, right??" I'm driving, and Jeff from the band just called seeing where the hell Nate is. They've been so patient, but this is getting ridiculous.

"Can you give me a ride?"

Is he kidding me right now?

"Why? Where are you???" I ask but get no answer, which is my answer right there. "Are you at Sullivan's? Jesus Christ, Nate."

"I'm sorry. I saw Cara this morning. It wasn't a pleasant visit." Nate explains. Now I understand what's happening, but at the same time, still upset that whenever something bad happens that Nate can't handle, he turns to booze.

"I'm on my way. But we're having a talk."

I walk into the bar and say absolutely nothing to Nate. He's drunk. He's sad. This needs to stop. Fortunately, Nate isn't drunk to the point he can't walk and has no problem getting into the car without help.

"How is she?" I break the silence, genuinely wondering how Cara is.

"Rita called the hospital, wanting to talk to her."

I accidentally hit the brakes too hard, and we both jolt forward.
"Sorry. What??"

"Yeah. Cara is pissed at me that she can't talk to our mom."

"Why would she want to talk to Rita???" I glance over at Nate and see the tension building in him. This is not good news.

"I don't know. She's messed up."

"You know you have to find another way to cope, right? You can't keep drinking like this. Have you checked your blood pressure yet?"

"Yeah. It's fine." He friggen lies to me as we pull into the studio lot.

"Chinese for dinner tonight? We still need to go over your travel plans for Texas next week." I change the topic.

"Sure. I'll order it when I'm done here. Hey. Thanks, Trish."

"All part of the job, Playboy." I sigh and watch now sobered up Nate walk in to work, ready to practice with the band. I wonder if they even know about all this.

*****
*James*

"See?? That wasn't that bad. Was it?" I stir my coffee after a good grief therapy session, glad Julia attended. She didn't talk or participate but neither did I for the first few meetings. Everyone is starting to leave, and I look up and freeze quickly putting my coffee down on the table, so I don't drop it.

No.

No!

This can't be happening right now. I swallow hard and know all the color has drained from my face the second I see Joe.

"Let's go. Cmon..." I grab Julia's hand tight but it's too late. Joe has made his way over to us. This can't be happening! Fear takes over me and my hands start to tremble, making Julia aware of who this man is to me.

"What the hell are you doing here, Joe." My voice is low, but it cracks, giving Joe the satisfaction he wants. He knows I'm still scared of him. Even in my 30's. I will always be scared of my father.

"Nice to see you too, son." Joe stares me down, getting too close, not giving me any personal space. "AA meeting. Are you still crying over your dead kid?"

Unbelievable. I feel like I'm gonna vomit. Julia suddenly looks like she feels the same way...

"Let's go." I don't answer Joe and try to walk away but he grabs my arm.
He fucking grabs my arm and squeezes so hard.

"I asked you a fucking question." He growls lowly in my ear. "You answer me when I ask you a question."

"Fuck off, Joe." I pull away and we rush to the exit. We hear Joe yell out one last thing before we get outside.

"Say hi to Carol for me." He grunts. I start breathing heavy when I hear him say mom's name.

The fresh air hits us and I hurry Julia to the SUV, locking the doors once we are both in.

"You're right. He IS an awful human being that doesn't deserve to live."

I nod, unable to currently form any words as we peel out of the church parking lot. It doesn't take me long to break down though.

I stay silent, just like mom and the girls have taught me over the years but tears still make their way down my face.

We stay quiet most of the ride back to my house. It's not until we pull into his driveway that I can speak.

"Sorry," I wipe my eyes and shut the car off. "I can usually hold it in."

Julia squeezes my hand.

"You know you don't have to hold it in with me, right? God, I sure don't with you."

"I may have to switch to another day for the group sessions. At least for a few weeks if his AA meetings are right after. I can't... I can't-" The words never come out.

"It's ok. I know. C'mon. Let's go take Maggie for a walk in the park."

I nod and pull myself together more. I open Julia's door for her and the second she gets out, she throws her arms around me. That's when I lose it. I hug her and cry on her shoulder.

I couldn't hold it in this time.

*****

*Trisha*

We decide on a late lunch/early dinner, since neither of us ate lunch today. Nate orders my favorite Chinese food but opts for a salad for himself.

We set up our food on the coffee table in the living room and turn the TV on.

"So, we leave on Monday, come home Friday afternoon. Holly will fly in on Tuesday to get you ready for the interview. The band flies in on Wednesday morning to rehearse before you guys perform on Sixth Street Thursday night. Two songs."

Nate changes the topic mid conversation. Is he even listening to me???

"How soon do you think you can get an appointment in for Julia?"

I exhale loudly.

"As soon as I get a copy of her insurance card. I don't get you two, Nate. You're clearly not together. You know she loves the other guy, too." I'm aware of James being in this equation and I hate that for him. Too much drama.

"Don't remind me." Nate says while eating his salad.

"So why would you bring her back? She's just gonna choose him. This life is too complicated for someone like her."

"Again. No need to remind me, doll."

"What's wrong with her anyway? You never really told me. All I know is her son died, and she's still married, and that wasn't even shit YOU told me. TMZ informed the world that part. I don't know how to find a doctor for her if I don't know what's wrong with her."

"Just tell em she's depressed or something."

"Well, that's not gonna cut it, Pal. Everyone is fucking depressed. She won't get an appointment for months."

"I think she may be Bipolar."

I accidentally drop my fork when I hear that sentence.

"Like your sister??"

"Like my sister." He pushes his salad away.

"What makes you say that?" I pick my fork back up hoping he doesn't see the shock in my face, but he does.

"Her highs are so damned high, and her lows are so fucking low. One minute she's flipping out at me the next she's all over me. I never know what I'm walking into when I see her. She doesn't eat, doesn't sleep. When she does sleep, she has nightmares. And I think she has mania."

My jaw drops. I knew she was a mess. I didn't know she was THIS bad of a mess.

"Jesus Christ. Yeah. That'll get her in asap. Well, gotta hand it to her. She hides it well."

"Not lately. Trish. She has a pill problem on top of it all. PLEASE. Don't tell her I told you this."

"What do you mean pill problem??"

"I don't know. Some prescription called Ativan. I guess it's used for-"

"I know what it's used for. That's fucking Xanax, Nate. You know that right?" I cut him off. I take it once in a while but make sure it's only as needed and the proper dose, so I don't fall into that trap.

"I didn't. I knew it was some kind of anxiety med but thought it was more for sleep."

"You know that's a real problem, right? Like- a fucking serious problem. You think she has an addiction to Benzo's?" I explain.

"I KNOW she has an addiction to it. That's why I brought her back, Trish. Julia needs real help. She didn't last two weeks. Her roommate informed me she wasn't bloody well. Seriously. Trisha. This is confidential. It will never leave this room."

Holy Shit.

"Understood."

The room goes stale and there's a painful moment of silence.

"You're in way over your head.Like waaayyy over your head."

"Well aware." He replies flatly.

"You and that big broken heart of yours. Always trying to fix everyone else but yourself."

*****

*James*

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. First Peter." I remind myself as we walk Maggie through the park. Julia gives me a confused look.

"That was today's verse in my devotional this morning. Pretty fucking fitting, right?" Maggie pulls me a little, trying to chase a squirrel. "Leave him alone, Mags."

"You can remember and quote Bible verses??"

"You should come to church with me Sunday. You're apparently already invited to my mom's house for my birthday dinner. Might as well meet the rest of my sisters." I stop short and untangle Maggie's leash that is now caught between her hind legs.

"ALL your sisters go to church with you? The same church?"

"The same church." I look down at Julia and smile. "We wouldn't be able to get through half the shit if we didn't have faith in something."

Maggie gets tired and plops down on the grass. We follow suit and sit next to each other while we continue our conversation.

"Have you always gone to church? Even...."

"Even while living with Joe? No. God no. My father told us HE is God and we should be worshipping him. Sick bastard. We didn't start going to church until we were in our twenties. Mom found this one from a lady at her counseling place she went to for battered women."

"Did... Did he abuse ALL of you? Never mind. You don't have to answer that. It's none of my business."

"Everyone, in one form or another. Everyone but Kendall. Ma got us out of there while pregnant with Ken. She almost lost her when he pushed mom down the basement stairs. She was six months pregnant, I think. I can't remember. But yeah. We went into a women and children's shelter for a while. Joe tries to get under her skin now that she's an adult, but Kendall didn't have to live with him. We're all relieved about that." I lay back on the grass and look up to the sky.

"How are you able to talk about all this so freely? How are you not in a hole of depression?" Julia lays next to me, and I immediately take advantage of putting my head on her lap before my dog does and Julia runs her fingers through my hair.

"Told ya. Years of therapy. I was in counseling well before Carter was even a thought."

We lay silently for a while before Julia grabs my attention.

"James..."

"Julia."

"Can we pause "Friend Mode"? Just for a second?"

I've been wanting to pause friend mode since the moment she arrived in L.A. She doesn't have to ask me twice.

I move so I'm laying down facing her and tick her hair behind her ears.

"Just for a second." She rests her hand on the side of my face and strokes my cheek right before I go in for the kiss.

Kissing Julia erases any and all bad moments from today.

The second our lips touch, pins and needles run down my body. My stomach knots up and I ache for her.

It doesn't take me long to deepen the kiss and now we're fully making out on the grass. I pull her in close and pull her leg to wrap around my waist, needing to get as close to her body as possible. Like always, I harden quick and rock into her a little.

I kiss down her face and jaw and watch her close her eyes.

"Should we stop now?"I ask in between kissing her skin.

'No, don't stop. Please. It feels good." She gasps when I push against her harder.

"James..."

"Julia."

"Let's go back home." Julia says and I can feel her heart pounding against my own chest.

"Right now?? You sure?" I move back to make eye contact.

"James...."

Again, she doesn't need to tell me twice. I jump up and we head to the car.

"C'mon Mag. Walk's over."

*****

*Trisha*

"Your hands are trembling already." I watch Nate loading the dishwasher.

"Nate- it's been, what-less than five hours since I picked you up from Sully's?"

He's really struggling with the way his hands shake. I can't believe it has gotten this bad.

"Jesus. Move outta the way." I push him away and take over. But then, I notice his eyes glancing at the cabinet above me. The cabinet that once had the bottle of whiskey in it. He is looking to get a drink and I'm in the way.

"There's nothing up there." I stand up straight.

"What?"

"Your whiskey. The full unopened bottle. It's down the drain now. Did it while you were in the shower this morning."

"What did you do... Trish.."

I open the cabinet to show him what I did. I'm not afraid of him and he needs help. Once I show him, I walk into the living room and he follows right behind me huffing and puffing.

"What the hell did you do?"

"Helping you kick the habit."

"No. It doesn't work like that. What the fuck Trisha!" He storms in and gets in my face. I've pissed him off.

"Nate, you wanted to do this. You can't do it with all this temptation."

"You have no FUCKING clue what you're talking about!!!" He fucking yells in my face, making me flinch.

"I need a drink." Nate says softer when he notices I flinched.

"You don't." I push him back and head to his room to busy myself folding his laundry.

"I fucking do!" He follows me again. He's gonna make this difficult, isn't he?

"Nate. Find something else to do. Go workout. Go to the studio. Write a damn song.
You don't need a drink."

"YOU need a drink. Maybe it'd get you off my ass."

He did NOT just go there. My blood boils hearing that. I know he's just trying to get under my skin but that one stung and I lose my cool. I storm over to him and point my finger in his chest hard while I talk.

"What did you say??"

"I said. YOU. NEED. A. DRINK. Now get off my ass!" Nate yells in my face. I've never seen him like this and it catches me off guard.

"I can't believe you just said that."

"Sorry. Christ. I'm sorry, ok?"

"Don't you dare." I chuck the laundry basket at him.

"Trisha. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"You know I don't drink. You know WHY I don't drink. And you throw it in my face? Is this the type of shit you did to Julia? Rub her problems in her face to make her feel worse?"

"Just leave. Please." He close his eyes and takes a deep breath.

"No. That's what you want. You want me to leave so you can go get a drink. That's too easy. Walking out of here is too fucking easy."

"Trisha. Leave." He takes a step forward but I take a step back.

"No."

"Trish. Please."

"It's not happening."

"I can't fucking deal with you." He looks away.

"Too bad."

He moves in closer. "I need a fucking drink. LEAVE!"

"No!"

He walks me backwards until I hit the wall behind me, then slams his body against mine and grabs both my wrists harshly, holding them above my head. 

"I need a drink, doll. Please." He whispers. I'm not afraid of him but this isn't Nate talking. This is his addiction.

"No. You don't."

"Trisha. Please.." Out of nowhere and losing all control,  He kisses my neck, and holds both my wrists with one hand while the other travels down the side of my body, lifting up my skirt. His hand glides up and down my outer thigh, feeling the fabric of my thigh highs and starts to harden against me. Fine. If this is what he needs, a distraction, then I'll give it to him. So long as he isn't drinking. Certainly wouldn't be the first time we've used each other.

"Please.. just one more drink."

"No." I keep repeating.

 "Trish. I need..."

"You don't."  I interrupt and stare Nate down.  His hands are shaking terribly now and my heart breaks for him.  His withdrawal from not having a drink has gotten so bad.

"Nate." My eyes fall down to his lips. "Do whatever you need to do. Whatever gets your mind off it, but you're not gonna drink."

"Please, baby. Go home." He whispers harshly making me shudder.

"A drink isn't what you want." I push my hips out and feel that he's completely aroused., but still mad. I don't know what I'm gonna get out of him. Is he gonna yell in my face or take advantage of what I'm offering, but I'm not going  so he can go off and get drunk somewhere.

He lets go of my wrists and grabs my face, crashing his mouth into mine. I let him. I let him do whatever he needs to do to get over this. Slam me up against the wall...fine. Pull my hair....whatever. Rip my favorite blouse...ok. Tear my underwear off...great, I don't care about any of these things.

Use me for sex... I could care less, so long as he doesn't pick up another bottle of whiskey.

*****

*James*

We barely get into the house. Maggie thinks we're playing and runs around us in circles. I close and lock the door and then push Julia into it. 

"God, I've wanted you so bad, babe. So fucking bad." I say lowly in her ear. I can feel her heart beating out of her chest and know she wants me just as bad.

Maggie starts barking thinking we are playing or something and I stop kissing Julia for a second, even though I'm fully hard now.

"Mag. Christ, please find something to do." I breathe out and press against Julia's body. Ugh. Maggie needs to eat. That's why she's getting worked up.

"Sorry." I back up, "She's hungry. It's time for her to eat." I peck Julia's lips a few times but don't stop until she finally pushes me away. 

"Go." She pushes me off her and runs her fingers through her hair, trying to compose herself. I got her just as worked up as myself now.

Maggie follows me into the kitchen and I grab her bag of food out of the pantry.

"You hungry girl? Cmere." I pour her food in her dish and scruff her fur as she happily starts eating now. "That's all you wanted, huh sweet Mags. Dinner." I refill her water bowl with fresh water and make sure she is good to go before heading out of the kitchen.

I look at my phone real quick while walking into the living room.

"Shit. We don't have much time if we want to go to The Grave."  I throw my phone on the couch, disappointed. Julia's eyes travel down to my prominent erection.

"Quicky? Then back to "Friend Mode", ok?" Again, She doesn't need to tell me twice. We both kick off our shoes, drop our jeans and take off our underwear in the matter of seconds. I catch her looking down at me and smirk when she blushes.

I slam her up against the door again and links both arms under her thighs to pull her off the ground completely. Once inside her I can't get enough. I seriously don't think she realizes how good she feels. We have sex right up against my front door before heading to the pub.

*****

*Trisha*

"Better?" I ask, exhaustedly. We're both completely out of breath and completely worn out. I let him have sex with me three times in a row with just minutes in between to recuperate. Over the side of his bed, against the wall in the hall and on the dining room table. It's probably the only time that table got used in years.

"Better." Nate pushes into me a few more times before letting me slide off the table. His hands are no longer trembling. I've tired him out to the point that all he wants to do is sleep now.

"Job well done." I wink and pat myself on the back. I take his hand, and we hit the shower. I will be whatever Nate needs me to be so long as it stops him from drinking now.

*****

*James*

We made it to the pub just in time. I take Julia's hand and make our way through the crowd to the bar. I ordered both drinks, both opting for a beer tonight.

"This place is great!" Julia stands on her toes to get closer to my ear so I can hear her.

"Right?!" I smile down at her and kiss her cheek.

I don't think she let go of my hand all night.

The tribute band was  country and excellent. They sang so many different songs, and to my surprise, the very last song of the night was Julia's favorite song, "Play It Again.""

I  lead her through the crowd to the middle of the room and wrap my arms around her. Everything about this feels perfect. She must feel this, too. She has to.  The second we start slow dancing, she rests her head on my chest, and I sing the song softly in her ear so only she can hear me. 

The song is over, but neither of us pulls away. We stand still in the middle of the crowded room, not wanting our little moment to end. Julia lifts her head off my chest and looks up to see me. She then kisses me softly real quick but breaks away, needing to tell me something. She looks pretty serious right now. 

"I'm never letting you go again."

It's all I've been waiting to hear.

"Have you finally figured it out?" I know exactly what she's talking about from the day in the hotel laundromat. I told her she could either take the hard way, choose Nate, and then finally figure out she belongs with me, or take the easy way and choose me right away. She chose the hard way but now knows we are perfect together.

"I've finally figured it out."

"Told ya." I smirk.

I was right. I called it first right from the beginning. I was just waiting for her to go through whatever the hell she needed to go through to finally realize it. 

"It took ya long enough, babe." I kiss her passionately in the middle of the pub.

*****