You don't stop loving someone just cuz' it's over.

It's wrong. 

I know it's wrong.

But from the moment I walked into Nate's apartment... the moment I saw Julia, she's all I can think about. I knew this would happen. I only briefly stopped thinking about her when the lust for Trisha overpowered my thoughts a few times.

 Again. I knew this would happen.

I thought about her when she ran to me. When she hugged me. When she wouldn't let go. I thought about her when I left. When I drove to work. The entire night.

I thought about us.

I'm here as her friend  and I know that's all I can be for now. But don't fucking think I'm giving up on it. No  way.

Hollan wanted me back. So I'm back. And I don't think he knows what he's in for. I WILL be the one. Sooner or later, Julia will come to her senses. She's confused. She knows Nate pays for the Avalon. She's stuck. And when things fall to shit with the two of them, I'll be the one there for her. Her best friend.  

I'll wait for her.

*****

"Yeah, I don't know what's going on Ash, ok? You all want answers I don't have." I rock in my chair and she gives me a reprimanding look to knock it off. I put the chair back on all fours and look over at mom.

She's in her chair in the sunroom, asleep. She looks much older than her age today. Up all night giving the girls a hard time so now she's paying for it.

"Well, you must have done something. I like Julia. Make amends." Ashley says while putting all of ma's medications in their designated day of her weekly pill case. I feel like more and more prescriptions get added by the day.

"I'll have a little bit of a check this week. Not much since I just started picking back up my hours at work, but it's something." I change topics and look down at all the pill bottles. Everything cost money. Prescriptions have been by far the worst in price, even with health insurance. The thousand dollars Nate gave me I gave right to my mom's medical. It may not feel like a lot to Hollan but it helped us out tremendously. If only I were as well off as him, then I could make sure my family is taken care of.

"Keep this week's check, Jamie. We're ok for now."

"You sure? Cuz I can-"

"I'm sure. We'll go over the budget together next week and see where we're at. Go fucking food shopping or something." My sister sneers. 

She knows I  haven't gone since I bumped into Joe awhile back. I swear I cross off places on the map and never return once I see him there. Hell, I haven't been to my grief therapy sessions in awhile. We  all know my father's AA sessions aren't working for him....

"Thanks, Ash." I stand up and look over at the sleeping woman. "Tell Ma I said hi."

"Can we do Church and dinner this Sunday? She's been asking for you a lot lately." Ashley knows it's sometimes hard for me with the way mom looks at me. I had to take a few weeks off when she was going through a rough patch with memories of Joe. Since I look like my father I trigger her more so I had to step away until things calmed down in her head.

"Of course."

"Bring Julia."

"Ash...."

"Hey, I tried."  My sister ruffles my hair like I'm five again and I hug her before leaving.

I head to work from my mother's house and do the normal routine. Say hi to Al as he leaves, clock in, check people in. Check people out. Show people where the pool is. Show people where the gym is. Deal with the 4th floor. Before I know it, it's almost 8pm. Janine, thinking I'm bored, decides to drop off two baskets of clean pool towels to be folded before she clocks out rom her shift. I aimless fold and aimlessly think of Julia.

It's like she can sense it. I look up and who is walking through the entrance?

Julia.

I smile the second I see her.  Her hair  is down today and wavy. She has a little mascara and lip gloss on for makeup and wearing a pair of white skinny jeans and a black t-shirt. She looks good.

She always looks good.

"Well look who it is." I push the basket of towels to the side and watch Julia walk towards me. 

"Hey." 

"You're on the wrong side, Miss Moretti. You're supposed to be sitting here."  I tick my head to motion for her to sit on her chair behind the desk like she always used to do. And she does.

"I can't stay too long. I have to pick up Nate's car in the back. It's been sitting there for awhile now."

Right.

"You're just in time to fold pool towels." I smirk and wink at her while swiveling in my chair.  Julia picks up the basket and begins folding the towels.

"How was day two at the Avalon?" I gaze at the woman next to me while talking.

"Awful." She frowns.

"I'm sure it'll get better. Maybe you won't have to be there too long. Once they find the right meds and shit. Ya know?" 

"Maybe. They took me off everything yesterday and I'm starting all new stuff. I'm nervous. You know how it was last time."

I do know. Everyone under Nate's roof knows. I hate that Julia has to go through it all over again. It messed her up for awhile. Maybe being under the supervision of everyone at The Avalon will be the difference this time. 

"It scares the crap out of me." She pauses. "I scare the crap out of me."

"You scare the crap out of all of us." I joke, trying to make light of the situation. It works and Julia laughs a little and throws a towel at my face. 

That's when it all changed.

*****

*Trisha*

"You can't fucking tell me you're not at least a little worried that she's at the hotel spending time with him." I scoff while we sit on the couch watching one of my hallmark movies and eating popcorn.

"Think she worries about you sitting right here next to me sharing a bowl of popcorn, dollface?"Nate looks down at me and raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah well I can control myself around you, dipshit." I throw popcorn at his face and watch him pick it up off his lap and eat it.

"This is good for her, Trisha. You saw how she was without James in her life. He's her best friend. You'd react the same way if I ghosted you."

"You wish, Playboy."

He's right. I'd be devastated. I know I would. But I think Nate would as well if the tables were turned.

My phone goes off and I look t the notification. "Ugh. Elliott wants a meeting tomorrow morning at the studio. Probably because of Hardy. How do you think she found out about Julia going to the day program at the Avalon?"  I sit up more. Nate isn't even watching the damn movie anyway. Instead he throws popcorn down my cleavage  like a 14 year old and annoys me.

"I don't know how Susan Hardy finds a way to dig up half the shit she digs up. I just wish she'd find another victim. I don't know what her obsession is with me and Julia. It's like Macy all over again." Nate leans back on the couch. No one seems to know how Susan Hardy gets her information. And usually the info is right on target too. It's like she has drones watching over everyone all the time.

Jonah comes in to the living room with the blood pressure cuff.  Nate's numbers have been high all day. It's concerning. I know he's under stress but we haven't even begun getting back into the routine of his busy schedule. I'm afraid his heart won't be able to handle the stress that goes along with tour and the lifestyle of a celebrity. It sometimes keeps me up at night.

"Sorry. I gotta check every four hours. I'd say I don't know why you blood pressure is high but mine would be too living your life. 149/88." Jonah sighs. 

I know anything above 120/80 is a risk for him. But getting the numbers down isn't an easy fix.  Nate has done almost everything right. He's cut out all caffeine, eats healthy, takes his meds. The only thing in his way is stress and genetics. Neither of which he can control. 

"Something's gotta give, Nate. Your numbers today are trash." Jonah says while checking Nate's vitals. We know to stay quiet while he checks vitals so we do while I respond the Nate's publicist for tomorrow's meeting. Jonah writes the the numbers down on a paper towel.

"You know I own paper, right?"

"Yeah, whatever. We need to figure out a way to destress you." Jonah throw's the paper towel near his laptop on the dining room table and sits down on the chair in the living room.

"If you're hinting to blowjobs, sorry pal. I don't swing that way." Nate smirks and I throw more popcorn at his face. He's so weird sometimes. Always taking it to the next level.

"If anyone is overdue it's me. You all are getting around just fine. I'm the one stuck taking care of everyone and listening to you every night." Jonah drags his hands down his face in frustration.

"Hey, don't look at me! I'm sleeping right here on this couch out in the open for all to see. You know I'm not doing anything." I reply though I really want to erase Dave being the last person I've been with. Hell, I'd take Jonah or Paul or Nate or...

James.

"Yeah, well hate to break it to ya, Banks. That spot you're sitting on right there is where Nate had his way with Julia yesterday afternoon." Jonah's eyes are on Nate and Nate laughs loudly making it known he's not kidding. I jump up off the couch in disgust.

"Eww gross, Nate!!" I say obnoxiously though he knows I'm only teasing him. I also know Nate is OCD about keeping this place clean and disinfected so I'm sure this couch has been taken care of. Still. The thought of Nate and Julia having sex at all, never mind on this couch, has my stomach tied in a knot. This dry spell is gonna be the death of me. I plop back down on the couch while Nate continues the conversation.

"Oh please. I've had sex with you on this fucking couch, Trisha, and over that dining room table..." Nate laughs at Jonah now who shares my disgust. I can't believe he just mentioned that out loud to his nurse. Granted Jonah is more than a nurse. He's now one of Nate's trusted friends, but still. I don't need him thinking about me and Nate getting it on like I just thought of Nate and Julia!

"Are you kidding me right now? Is there any surface you HAVEN'T had sexual activity with someone on??" Jonah furrows his brows at Nate, watching his eyes dart around the room, thinking.

"Hmm..."  Nate  scratches the stubble on his jaw, unable to come up with an answer.

"You have issues, you know that?"

"I don't see this issue being a bad thing." Nate raises a flirtatious eyebrow at me and I squint my eyes at him.

"Just keep that monster in it's cage while I'm around, ok? Last thing I need is to walk in on you like before." I scrunch my nose remembering times when this has actually happened in the past, setting up the rule of me not barging in afterhours. Now look. I'm fucking living on the man's couch for God's sake.

"Monster...? and noooo. Did you really?"  Jonah shakes his head.

"Yep, that's what she said. Monster. Big. Enormous. Monster. Who cares about the rest of the sentence." Nate is loving this, isn't he? He knows he's well endowed.  I wonder what James is like. Oh my God- Trisha. STOP. I shake my head and cover my face. Nate thinks it's because of his comment but it's not. It's because of my brain and lack of sex.

*****

*James*

We sit in the hotel lobby behind the desk like always and talk seriously about Julia's mental health for a while. I remind her of ways to make the most out of the transition from one med to the next... drinking plenty of water, getting outside, not hibernating in bed, everything the doctor has probably mentioned already.

"Easier said than done, James. I'm not like you. I can't just snap out of my funk like you can." Julia frowns.  I wheel my chair over close to her and take both her hands in mine. She looks down at our hands and swallows hard.

"You need to be the one to make the change for yourself, babe. No one can make it for you." I gaze at her and she looks up at me. I'm crossing the line. I feel it and I think Julia can too. I let go of her hands and back my chair up a little.

"Sorry."  I whisper and nervously run my hands through my hair. The way she's looking at me right now has me feeling all sorts of things. This is going to be harder than I thought. Keeping my distance from this woman may, in fact, kill me.

"It's ok. Thanks for letting me hang with you for a little while. I should probably go." Julia stands up and I do as well.  "Before I do something stupid." She DID feel something. I nod. Time for her to go before we both do something stupid. 

"I agree." I say. And then..

I do something stupid.

I step in and give Julia a hug like I always do to say goodbye but the tension in the air is thick. Like always, the hug lingers and I feel Julia settle in my arms. What should be a quick hug goodbye lasts longer than it should and my body is letting me know. My heart is pounding and I can feel Julia's doing the same now.

 I drop my head down into her neck and bury my face in her hair. I can smell the clean scent of  expensive shampoo and Julia's vanilla perfume. I can't let go of her. Just having her in my arms brings back all the feeling. All the desire. All the need to be with her. I  take in the moment, never knowing when it will happen again. Because this is Julia.  No one knows when anything will happen when it comes to Julia. I don't think she even knows. Everything she does is without thinking first. Sometimes it works to my advantage, some times it doesn't. It's one of the many things I love about her. She keeps everyone on their toes. Julia is anything but predictable.

She's anything but safe.

"You know you're gonna have to be the one to let go. You know I can't." I whisper against her soft skin, wanting to kiss her neck so bad but refrain. The sensation of holding her is sending signals to my body that I can't handle right now. Especially at work. 

"One more minute."  Julia breathes out and I can't help but smile, knowing she's feeling this. She tightens her arms around my waist and I close my eyes.

"No matter what happens, never leave me again. You hear me, Gallo? I can't handle it." She  says with our arms wrapped around each other's waists and her face against my chest. I know what she's saying. Even if we feel like we've crossed the line, don't go ghosting her to keep our distance. It doesn't work. It didn't work for me and it sure as hell messed with Julia's head. We both know we need each other. Mine may be in a different way than hers right now but I know she feels this.  She can't deny it.

"I won't. I promise."

"Thank you." She sighs.

"You may want to end this hug though.."  I press my body against her stomach, making her  aware of WHY we need to back away from each other. I now have a full hard on just from hugging this woman too long. Julia pushes off me and keeps her eyes on mine, so she doesn't look down at me.

"Right. Sorry."  She takes a step back and I take a deep inhale. "We'll need to work on this, I think." 

"It's harder than I thought it would be."  I catch Julia looking down at my arousal through my khaki pants and smirk. 

"Not THAT, perv. Staying in friend only mode."  I laugh loudly and she realizes she misunderstood what I meant. She instantly blushes. I love that about her. Apparently I love a lot about her. This is going to be a problem.

"Right! Sorry! Ok. I'll talk to you later."

We quickly say our goodbyes and I watch Julia leave the lobby. I sit back in my chair and pinch the tension at the bridge of my nose, waiting for my erection to settle down. Instead I drive myself crazy by thinking about Julia. Then Trisha. Then both Julia AND Trisha. Together.

"Jesus Christ." I mutter out loud. I'm my own worst enemy. Any other time I'd probably call Lindsay or something. She's done it to me before when she had an itch she needed scratched. That was before Julia though. Now, I'd feel like I'd be cheating on her.

But she didn't choose me, did she?

I wrestle with that thought then realize I'm getting nowhere and my body is not gonna let me settle down unless I do something about it.

[I'm bored and at work]

I text Lindsay. It's not even 10pm. I know she's awake.

['bored' bored or just bored.]  She texts back. This is how it always is with us. We use words for different meaning.

[I'm really fucking bored, Linds.] I swivel in my chair a little. Please come visit me Lindsay.... God I need someone to come visit me.

[I just got out of the shower. Give me 10 minutes]

I read her text and bite my bottom lip. She's actually coming by. I shift in my chair and look at the clock often, still thinking about the women I can't have. Still rock hard needing relief. Thank God Julia left when she did or we'd make another mistake for sure.

I see Lindsay's car pull in and immediately twitch in my pants.

"Dry spell, Mr. Gallo?" Lindsay walks through the lobby with her long blonde hair damp from her shower and another fucking sundress. I can tell she's not wearing a bra, which means she's probably not wearing anything under that pink dress of hers I want to rip off. 

It's been awhile since I've been with her. I've faithfully been with Julia since the moment we became more than just friends.

"You have no idea." I groan, watching her walk behind the desk.

"Jesus James. I'd say. Who got you all riled up?" Lindsay looks at my lap and then up to my eyes.

"Everyone." I pull Lindsay in and push her down on my lap. "Please baby." I push her hair off her shoulder and attach my lips to her neck, gaining a moan and a roll of her hips against my body. My hands travel up her thighs to hike up her dress. Nope, not wearing anything.

"Right here? Out in the open?" Lindsay gasps as my hands slide around to her bare ass.

"Why not? What's the worst that can happen? Someone comes down and see's us?"

"Or... you could lose your job. I can't... I'm sorry." Lindsay gets off my lap and I give her pleading eyes.

"Storage room?" I stand up and Lindsay nods, feeling better about being in an enclosed room verses out in the open lobby. If it were Julia there would be absolutely no hesitation.  I don't think Trisha would ever do something like that, though. I have no idea what Trisha would do, or what she likes. I can't even manage to get a kiss from her without interruption.

Lindsay takes my hand and we rush to the storage room, once again like months ago, keeping the door cracked so I can hear if the elevator dings or lobby doors open.

"I can't wait any longer Linds." I admit in the dark and feel her undo my pants and pull them down along with my boxers. I hold my shirt up a little and close my eyes when her hands touch my abs.

"Are you torturing yourself with a new workout routine, Mr. Gallo? I can feel every single muscle..."

"Shhhh..." I cut her off and lift up her dress, pulling it over her head leaving her completely naked. I can't do the same for obvious reasons. If someone comes down I have to get out of the room quickly. My eyes get used to the darkness of the room with the light coming on from the crack of the door. 

Lindsay takes care of herself just as much as I do and her body shows it.

"Well," She whispers against my ear, making me twitch. "You have me, now what are you gonna do with me?" She asks and presses her body up against me. Holy shit. My chest is back to pounding hard again.

"Bend over, baby, and I'll show you."

And I do show her. I show her until I have nothing left in me and she's a whimpering mess getting over multiple orgasms. I rock into her a few more times while she's bent over the small table in the room. Everything on it has been swiped off and fallen to the floor.  Lindsay is holding on to the edge for dear life and I tiredly drop down on her back.

"My God, James." Lindsay breathes out in exhaustion.

"Told ya I was bored." I say against her bare back.

"I've never seen you THAT bored before." She lifts herself up and leans on her forearms to look back at me. Her legs are literally shaking and her knees  buckled from the event. "I may need a minute to recuperate." She laughs a little trying to stand on her weak legs. I pull her up against me and kiss her shoulder before pulling out, earning a loud gasp from Lindsay when I do so.

I quickly pull up my pants and tuck in my shirt feeling relief through my whole body, and grab Lindsay's dress off the floor.

"Thanks, Linds. I'm not bored anymore." I hand her the pink sundress and wait for her to be completely dressed before opening the door.

We casually walk through the lobby like nothing happened.

*****

*Trisha*

I run all of Nate's errands today while the cleaners clean his house. With Julia at The Avalon things seem to be falling into place. No one is on edge, and no one has to hide away while the cleaners are in the apartment. The media still doesn't know Julia pretty much lives at Nate or that they are together and we'd like to keep it that way.

Paul, like always, is my shadow for the day. I'm used to him. He's been there for me through thick and thin. Of course, it's his job, but he's now seen me at my worst. Like when I lost it on the front steps of the Courthouse and cried. He consoled me. Don't let his size fool anyone. The big guy has a heart in there.

"I need caffeine, Paulie." I pull in to the small cafe. "Order whatever you like." 

We order our coffees and sit down in the same booth. Paul sat down first and was a little surprised when I sat down in the same booth. Usually, being a bodyguard, he'll pick a separate table to give space but he didn't have a choice today since he sat down first, facing the door.

I open my laptop and pull out my folders.

"Sorry, I'm gonna be a bore for a little while. I have to do Nate's bills before we get fucking evicted." I joke and Paul nods. He's used to my day to day jobs now. We sit in silence for a good hour while I pay rent and  all of the usual bills and Paul scrolls through his phone.

"Trisha. Pack up. Now." Paul demands and sits up straight. I  furrow my brows and look at the bodyguard. But he's not looking at me. I follow his eyes to the entrance.

Dave.

My pulse starts beating in my ear and I make eye contact with him. He looks away and orders his coffee.  But he doesn't decide to leave. No. Instead, he sit down at the booth behind Paul, so he's facing me. Looking straight at me. He's got guts.

I know this sounds awful, but part of me actually wants him to try something. One thing for someone to call the cops. Then it's another one for the books and I can, hopefully qualify for a restraining order. Just one incident doesn't cut it.

I feel like I'm frozen while staring at him. He has a blank expression on his face. He's been texting my trying to apologize but I haven't answered one.

At the same time, I'm fucking messed up. Because I can see the hurt in his eyes. as he stares at me. He has a drinking problem, just like Nate. He has no one here to help him. Nate had me. I really think Nate would have gone off the deep end without the help he got.

Dave isn't a bad person. He just does bad things. When he's drunk. Only when he's drunk. That doesn't excuse anything and I'm very well aware he's my addiction and my thinking becomes cloudy when it comes to him, specifically. My heart still sinks a little seeing him  struggle the way he struggles, with no one here to help him. He's all alone.

While I'm lost in my own world, Paul has completely packed me up, put the bills in the folder,  my laptop in my bag  and grabbed my coffee.

"Banks, lets go."

I didn't even realize it until we were out the door that tears were streaming down my face. The entire time I was looking at Dave and him at me, tears were running  down my cheeks.

For fucks sake, what the hell is wrong with me? Is this what it feels like to be Julia or something? Is this payback for me not showing compassion towards her when she cries and can't control it?

Paul has me by the forearm and walks me across the street to my car without saying another word. He puts me in the passenger seat this time and sits in the drivers seat, adjusting the seat back so his legs will fit. He locks the door and then looks over at me.

I look down and notice more shit wrong with me.

"I don't know why I'm shaking." My hands, my whole body actually, is shaking. Just like it did when Dave wouldn't leave my apartment.  I look over at Paul in hopes he can give me some kind of answer. He's a bodyguard. He's seen reactions from so many different clients.

"It's the 'Flight-Fight' response kicking in, Trish. You're shaking with fear.  Shock. Julia has it all the time when she thinks of some of the traumatic shit."

"I am NOT fucking Julia." I say with irritation.

"But you ARE a fucking human being, Trisha." Paul starts up my car and drives me back to Nate's apartment.

The cleaners have left and the house is perfect. Jonah is just walking in from using the gym in the building when he sees me on the couch with a cup of tea. I can only imagine how I look. I wore mascara today and probably cried it all down my face. Paul gives Jonah a look and he sits down in the chair  next to me.

"Wanna talk about it?" He takes a sip of his water and looks at me with compassion.

"I don't know what the hell's going on. I'm acting like friggen Moretti, right now." I keep my eyes on my cup of tea. My hands are still shaking  but not nearly as much as they were ten minutes ago.

"We were in the cafe  and Dave came in." Paul explains. "Nothing happened but he decided to sit in the booth right behind me and stare at Trisha to intimidate her."

"He wasn't intimidating me. He wasn't drunk, Paul. He was... hurt." I say and both men huff.

"She went into shock like Julia does," Paul continues.

"Trisha, do you mind if I check your  vitals?" The nurse asks and I nod. Whatever. My vitals are fine. I'm fine. I'm not Julia. But I let him do his thing. Jonah grabs the machine off the dining room table and  velcro's it on me. I watch the numbers.

Shit.

"135/88.  Borderline hypertension."  

"I KNOW what the numbers are, dipshit." I scoff and rip the cuff off my arm. "You know I know. I just need a moment to calm down." I drop my head into my hands.

"Trisha..."

"Jonah. Please." I cut him off.

"You're right." The nurse takes my hands and holds both of them in his, forcing me to look over at him. "You're not Julia. You know that. I know that. We all know that. But trauma is trauma. Your body WILL react the way it needs to  to cope. Seeing that man...after everything... that's traumatic. You were scared of him. Whether he was drunk or not, your body sensed fear."

We all get sidetracked when the elevator opens and Nate and Julia come home together. And I thought I looked like shit. She immediately goes into Nate's room and slams the door. 

Here we go.

But Nate isn't running after her. No. He's staring at me.

"You good, Trish?" He looks at me with concern.

"What's her issue?" I ask, disregarding Nate's question. Jonah lets go of my hands and I immediately wipe under my eyes.

"She's fine. What happened?" He drops his keys and wallet and sits down next to me. "Did Dave do something to do?" He asks with  a sense of anger in his tone.

"I'm fine." I say dryly. But of course, Jonah has to let him know what's going on.

"Nate, can I talk to you privately?" 

"Jonah. I said I'm fine."

"Of course." Nate ignores me and the two of them walk into Jonah's room. Paul is on the other end of the couch and looks up from his phone.

"Everyone knows you're fine." He assures me.

"Cuz I am. You don't need to worry about me, ok? You need to worry about how that one's gonna redecorate the bathroom if someone doesn't check on her." I scoff and tick my head up to Nate's bedroom.  Paul rolls his eyes and laughs. We've always been on the same page when it comes to Julia jokes.

It only takes five minutes for Nate to be updated and come back out into the main living area.

"Thanks for taking care of shit, Paul." He nods to the bodyguard who nods back and then sits next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder. Something I don't think he would do if Julia was in the same room with us right now. "The second that bastard slips up I'm  going with you to get that restraining order on him, ok?"

"Yeah, ok."  I rest my head on Nate start to calm down. Funny how Nate's presence alone can calm a person.

 He can also make you want to jump out a window sometimes.

"What's wrong with your girlfriend?" I ask again. "Usually I don't ask but she's at The Avalon. They should be fixing shit by now right?"

"Day three, Trish. It's day fucking three." Nate looks up at Jonah now for guidance. "She had one of those bipolar episodes where she wasn't in the here and now and wrote the same thing in a note book. Over and over again. They had to call the doctor into the session."

Jonah almost looks relieved. "So they saw it with their own eyes? What'd they say? What'd she write?" He asks talking quickly. All this pressure has been on solely him as our medical person. He's done so much research trying to help Julia, feeling pretty defeated not coming up with a solution. I feel bad that he took on this project all by himself. That's what Julia is. This big fucking project.

"I don't know. She wrote something like 'Why do I set myself up for disaster' or some shit, ok?" Nate looks irritated. He's not telling the whole story but I let it go. Today has been a day. "They want me to bring in her journals so they can get a better idea of what's going on in her head."

Jonah nods.

"I hope they're prepared for what they read."