If I had a boyfriend

I would never have to walk to a class alone, hopefully

I would never walk alone and think awkwardly

That I might be walking weird

Or crooked

I wouldn't think

Jessica just walk

It's not rocket science

If I had a boyfriend

Maybe I'd be more confident

Maybe my anxiety wouldn't be so bad

Maybe I wouldn't be so lonely

If I had a boyfriend

I wouldn't feel so left out

Or envious

When my best friend tells me about her dates with her boyfriend

Or when I hear cute and cheesy songs on the radio

When I'm laying in bed late at night

Over thinking

And over analyzing

Everything

Or when I see cute and cheesy couple things

In tv

Or in books

I read and write romances constantly

Because I'm happy that the main character

Me or someone else created

Are able to find happiness

For them it's easy

Sure we as writers

Throw in a conflict

To make it realistic

But in the end

It's happily ever after for everyone

People say stuff like

After the storm

Comes a rainbow

H.O.P.E

Hold On Pain Ends

And maybe those are just quotes to help the depressed

Or maybe it's something else

In both situations

I'm left asking when

When is my rainbow

When does the pain end

Lots of people will tell me

Jessica be patient

Be quiet

And patient

You're too young

You're too loud

Just sit still and look pretty

Because I'm not saying I'm not pretty

I know I'm beautiful

And guys are stupid

If they can't see this

They be blind

But it all goes back to

Jessica you're too loud

Jessica shut up

Shh

China doesn't need to hear you

Thats all the story of my life

I know I am loud

Don't tell me I'm loud

My mom thinks I have hearing problems

Maybe my allergies put fluid in my ears

No I hear fine

I'm just not listening to you

And I know why I'm loud

And I want to tell you all

But I don't want to sound selfish

Like I'm searching for attention

And sure maybe I am

Maybe I want to be noticed

If I sound selfish

I'm sorry

But I believe

That I am loud

Because I want to be noticed

And by certain people

It definitely works

I'm noticed

But in a bad way

People hate the loud girl

Believe me

I know

But it's gotten to the point where

I can't control it

I'm naturally loud

And I think it's time for me

To try my hardest

To be the quiet one

People love the quiet one

And I hate it

Because

People also say things like

Don't let someone change you

Always be yourself

But what if being yourself

Causes everyone to hate you

Or think you're annoying

I believe in those things about

Change

And being yourself

But I think I may have to

Go against my own beliefs

That hurts

More than you may know

I just want to be confident

To love myself

I'm an emotional person sometimes

We all are sometimes

So

If I had a boyfriend

And if he ever cried

I'd hug him

And kiss it better

I'd be a supportive girlfriend

I'd be a kickass girlfriend

I may not be smart

Or quiet

But I'm still an awesome person

I'm funny

I'm cute

I can be smart

I'm friendly

Guys are stupid

Or at least the guys that I go to school with

They don't like me

Because they know me

They know I'm loud

If I had a boyfriend

I could be happy

If only

I had a boyfriend