trigger warning: attempted suicide

timeline: 2 years ago

***

Third Person Point of View

Rikka was unable to comprehend what was happening inside the court. Not because she don't know anything about tennis but because of what she's seeing inside the court. Her sight becomes blurry which makes her more confuse. It seems that someone is laying there while bleeding.

Everyone around her was panicking yet she remained motionless. Her bestfriend, Ellie, was screaming and crying while running towards that player. Paramedics were hurrying, and still she remained in her position.

Did she see it right? It was Sean laying there right? No! She must be hallucinating.

She turned back to reality when someone shakes her aggressively.

"Get your shit together, Rikka!" Jannie screamed.

"A-anong nangyari? Tama ba ang nakikita ko?" Jannie looked at her with urgency and dragged her away from her current position.

"Here bb riri, wipe your tears first. We're going to the hospital." Minami offered a handkerchief to her but she just stared at it. That's why Minami heave a sigh before wiping her tears.

Right now, she's inside on one of the hospital rooms.

She listens at the deafening sounds of the machine. Her mind cannot fathom the reality. It temporarily stop functioning.

Ellie was talking to her however she cannot understand what she's talking about. Her whole attention was on the bed. Specifically to someone laying there.

"Magccr lang ako, ikaw muna magbantay kay kambal ha? Kausap pa nila mami yung specialist," Ellie feels like she's talking to an air but was relieved when Rikka nodded at her.

Rikka, once again, stared at Sean. What was happening? Why is he laying there?

While she was in a dazed, Sean woke up.

"Rikka." Her eyes widen when she saw Sean. "Stop crying," Sean added.

She's crying? She didn't even realize!

Rikka immediately wipe her tears. "I'm not crying!" Of course she lied. "Okay ka lang ba? How stupid, of course hindi ka okay. Anong masakit sayo? Gusto mo ba ng tubig? Wait lang at kuku-"

"I won't be able to play again, will I?"

She stop blabbering after she heard his question. She stared at him but did not answer his question. Sean mockingly laugh. His eyes become dull.

"I'm sorry," was the only words she could utter.

"It's not your fault"

Silence filled the room. Both were feeling sorry to each other. Yet they remained silent.

It was a deafening silence that catalyzes Rikka's negative thoughts. Should I talk to him? But we're not that close! How should I console him. Think, Rikka, think.

"Nandito na sila Ellie. Alis muna ako, I shouldn't meddle with your family matters," she decided to escape when she heard the door open. She escape immediately and didn't even greet Ellie.

Sean wanted to stop her but chooses not to.

Rikka decided to sit on the bench. She was still processing the whole situation.

Sean got injured. It's a fact. The reason why Sean was injured was because of his opponent's schemes. That's what she concluded.

The tennis committee was still investigating the matter.

Him being able to play tennis again was still unknown to them.

***

Two weeks after the incident, she decided to take a breather at the rooftop.

Ellie called her while crying. The only thing she could understand was that Sean was missing. Ellie's panicking eventually makes her panic too.

"Calm down first, breath in, breath out," she started guiding Ellie to relax.

"Don't worry mahahanap natin siya," she opened the rooftop door as she said this. But what awaits her was the sight of Sean trying to jump out of the building.

"SEAN! STOP!" She throws her phone to stop him from jumping. "Please."

She repeatedly asking him to stop but his strength was much stronger than hers.

"Sean, I'm here. Please don't..." but Sean can't hear her. He continues to struggle and push her away. But she didn't stop.

"I'm here.." she whispers repeatedly.

"Please listen to me, SEAN!" she also cannot understand what she's saying. Tears were blocking her sight but she cannot let go! What will happen to Sean if she choose to give up now?

No! I don't want to lose you forever! She cried on her heart.

Sean stop struggling as if he can hear her inner cries. And she was able to guide Sean away from the railings.

"Everything will be okay," was the only sentence she could utter. She hugged him until he falls asleep.

She immediately called Ellie.
"What happened? Bakit siya nandito?"

She had a hard time answering her question. It's more like she's hesitating to tell the truth.

She heave a deep breath, "I'll tell you later."

Their parents immediately followed suit and she had no other choice but to narrate the situation.

"Salamat iha," cried by Sean's mom. She clutch her chest and held her husband hands to prevent her from collapsing. His dad nodded at her seriously. He may not show emotions but she feels the gratitude coming from him. She can see his hands tremble while supporting his wife.

Ellie drag her away and hug her.

"Why? Why?" Ellie cried. "Bakit kailangan niyang gawin yun? Anong gagawin namin kapag nawala siya nang tuluyan?"

"Don't be selfish, Ellie. Understand him first."

"One week akong hindi umalis sa tabi niya. I tried checking up on him. Pero puro tango at okay lang natanggap ko sa kanya!"

"Hindi niya ba naintindihan yung mararamdaman namin kapag nawala siya?" She added.

"I said, understand him first! This is not about you Ellie. This is about him. Valid yang nararamdaman mo, gets ko. Pero please alamin mo rin yung reason bakit niya naisipang gawin yun." She snapped. "He's definitely not okay. He might act tough on the outside but he's breaking inside."

This made Ellie stop, "I'm sorry. Hindi ko lang alam gagawin ko."

Rikka didn't say any word. She too don't know what to do.

***

"Sean," Rikka smiled. "I'm not blaming you," she added.

"I'm sorry," she heard him apologize for the ninth time. Instead of getting angry she smiled.

"You're not okay." She didn't asked but state that as a matter of fact. "I can listen," she added.

Long silence followed them.

"Before the tournament starts, I started doubting myself." Soon after, Sean breaks the silence.

"Everyday, I question myself. I started losing my motivation to play. I slowly lose confidence in my game and my abilities. But I keep on playing and I lost all the matches." He laughed at his sentence. No, he was mocking himself - at his incompetency.

"Tennis is and always been my life. Suffering from this injury makes me hate myself more. I feel like I'm losing my identity. Without tennis, I am nothing."

You're still you, Sean. I would still love you even without tennis. Rikka wanted to tell it to him but she realized that all Sean needed was someone who can listen. He didn't need some unsolicited advice.

"This injury gave me a wake up call. That maybe it's time to give up. I am not the same person I used to."

"No! You're still the same person. Ikaw pa rin ang Sean na nakilala ko. Your injury will heal. Naniniwala akong gagaling ka. You can play again." She cut him off. She forced herself not to cry in front of him.

"My doctor told me that I won't be able to play again. This is a long lasting injury, Rikka. The most I can do after rehabilitation is to walk."

Get a hold of yourself Rikka. You shouldn't let him feel that your pitying him. Act normal.

"It's okay." Sean breathe. "It's not," she replied.

"Gusto kitang pagalitan sa ginawa mo pero alam kong mas nasasaktan ka ngayon. I-I will not invalidate your feelings." As if on cue, her tears rolled down to her cheeks.

"It's alright to cry, Sean. It's okay to tell me that you can't live without your sport. It's okay to tell me how envious you are towards your teammates. It's okay to tell me how scared you are right now. And how unfair the world is to you.

"You can take a rest but don't give up. Kahit hindi na para sa amin. Kahit para sayo. Nandito lang kami para sayo, hindi ka nag-iisa."

In between her sobs, she gather her courage to hug him.

Sean didn't respond to her statement. Only their embracing bodies can be seen under the night light.

***

Author's note:
Nasanay na ko sa formal writing :( I forgot na how to narrate creatively. Di ko na gamay mag narrate so please bear with me. I probably won't try narrative novels again. Lol.

Paulit-ulit pero:

"Mental health is as important as physical health."

#MentalHealthMatters

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