i feel okay and will have felt okay for days, weeks, months, maybe even years.
and then it hits me so hard i can't breathe. tears sting at my eyes and all i can do is try to picture your face. except it's been almost six years since you've died so i can't quiet remember the shape of it. that thought sends me off even further.
i'll be okay and then suddenly overcome with the worst, most disgusting feeling of grief i have ever experienced and i remember that i had forgotten you were dead.
and back then i didn't know how to call people and tell them i love them. i wish it wasn't your death that taught me how to be good at doing that.
my brain grasps onto every memory i can. i miss you so, so much.

grandma is coming into town tomorrow.
god was kind enough to send me dreams of you.  so i can spend the night with grandpa and the morning with grandma.