I never realized how truly unsympathetic my mom was until I ATE SHIT. Remember how I said I ate cereal only to realize there was mouse shit at the bottom of it? Yeah well my mom called me a crazy person and said we don't have mice. And I still have to work despite being overly traumatized. I can understand the lack of empathy from you guys cause you all probably don't read these or care about this to give a fuck but this is my MOM. The person who used to be my angel and was overly doting on me! I knew she was becoming heartless but I didn't realize just how bad it was.... I threw up all the food I ate and have TRIED to put it out of my mind but I CAN'T. There's no way I'm ever gonna recover from this and I don't think I can ever go back to telling people to eat shit. Cause NOW that I HAVE and it was in my FAVORITE CEREAL I can't deal. I've had many traumatic food experiences that have stuck with me; apple juice, macaroni, plain lemonade, take and bake pizza, SPAGHETTI. Now I won't be able to eat FUCKING froot loops or maybe any cereal ever again! God I hate this place and I HATE my mom! NOT ONLY is she unsympathetic but she's also a lazy mom. She SHOULD be cleaning the house so it's more liveable even if it's just a bit a day since I have school and my aunt literally works all day every day. No joke she has to do her own shifts and pick up the slack of the all her other coworkers who decide to skip out EVERY DAMN DAY for shifts THEY SIGNED UP FOR. FUCKING RIDICULOUS! The house has flies and mice everywhere, my mom never cleans up after her self so dishes pile up real quick. And she throws bags of food on the floor. My cereal? FLOOR. aunties popcorn? FLOOR. open pack of crackers? FLOOR. gushers? FUCKING. FLOOOOOR! I don't want to live here I really REALLY DON'T! But I have nowhere to go. Mom won't let me get my licences or my GED so I can't leave for college or anything, we have no food in the house, A flypocalypse is afoot and we have mice living in our walls! I ask her every day if she'll help keep the house clean but she always says "don't NAG me or I won't do it!" She calls me ungrateful and says nothing's ever good enough for me but this isn't worth it. I have tons of games but I can't walk around the house without tripping on trash, my mom's neglectful and just watches tv all day while destroying me with hateful words, we haven't got a damn thing to eat in this house and my mom just won't listen! I really want to die so badly I hope everyday that someone or something saves me either by taking me away or killing me. This is STUPID. I want to be something someday but I can't even handle this! Is this what it's like to be independent and an adult? God I wanna die so badly but I don't want to have a shitty afterlife! Please someone help me I can't take it anymore! It's too much, it's too much! Please! Someone! Anyone! Save me from this hell! This isn't a home or a house, it's a torture chamber! It's literal hell and everyday Is worse than the last! We have no money. I have no friends, and probably no future. It's becoming too much for me and I am considering just quitting while I'm not to far deep..... my life is a cursed one.... happiness left when I first gained understanding of things... when my grandpa died in front of me at 5 years of age. When my large family stopped coming over for Christmas and started getting smaller and smaller and more and more dysfunctional. When my grandma died a few days before my freshman year started... we were both so excited! We were gonna talk all about it when I came back! Where did it all go wrong? Why does life hate me? US? MY FAMILY? The only thing I have is the internet.... the stories everyone writes brings me such joy and I love YouTube so much! I just love hearing my favorite YouTubers have fun, even if I'm just rewatching old stuff... I get so jealous of people for having friends and family to love them! All my friends betrayed me and my family isn't even family in my eyes anymore... what am I supposed to do?! I HAVE NO clue! I HAVE NO REAL FAMILY OR HOME! I HAVE AN STRANGER FOR A MOM AND AN AUNT WHO I CAN'T SPEND TIME WITH ANYMORE! MY FAMILY ARE FUCKING GAMES AND ANIME CHARACTERS! STORIES WRITTEN AND CREATED BY TALENTED PEOPLE! MY FAMILY ARE THE YOUTUBERS I WATCH EVERYDAY WHO'LL NEVER FUCKING NOTICE ME! hell they wouldn't even know if I died.... no one would care about me anyway... I'm INSIGNIFICANT in every way! I'm a ugly, hopeless, dreamer with no true talent at all. I'm not worth anything and I KNOW THAT! I just hate it.... I used to wish on anything I could; wish bones, shooting stars, birthdays, eclipses, prayers, anything!, that I could do something.... I wished for money to solve our money problems, I wished for success and to be able to go on an adventure someday! But the more I wished and hoped and prayed... the worse things became... so I stopped without even realizing.... I gave up... I have no hope for my future. I pray to any god that may listen that isn't outright evil. Just one good thing. None. Nothing. My grandma said I should pray so I tried that.... it never worked... am I just that hated?! Has my family not lost enough?! I don't understand! Everyone in my family believes in a god. We all work hard in our own ways... is it not enough?! I lost my faith long ago... god never liked this family. And he never will... I will keep pushing, but I don't know for how much longer I can endure this! I guess I lied about losing all hope... the fact that I won't kill myself and keep pushing forward is proof. Or maybe it's just proof of my fear of final judgement. My fear of what comes after.