Will I ever see the light again?

I would ask myself

The air was cold as if feels like

Needles prickling against my skin

The gushing sounds of the wind like

If its whispering against my ear

My eyes are dull

The brightness of my usual carefree demeaner

FADED

Into the vastness and cruelty of

reality

Cold and distant

Lifeless and dull

Lies now in my blue eyes

Covering every detail of emotion away

As the rain fall from the grey clouds 

I used to love the feeling of the rain

I used to love how it falls

Gently on my skin

As I danced under the rain

Now it's only reminding me the things I couldn't

Escape

From in the cruelty of this world

Life used to be so fun and vivid

Now it's dark and painful

I was once three years old happy

Now I'm sixteen years old and struggling

The world was once sparkling with colors so bright

That it could have made you joyful

Everything was a time to smile and enjoy 

Now it's just a blur in my eyes

Now its

Fading

Into the colors of grey and black

Hand reaching out towards nothing

What's this feeling?

I would ask myself

Is this despair?

I question myself like if I had the

Answer in my grasp

Every day I see myself in the mirror

And ask myself

Who am I?

I only see a broken shell of the person

I used to be

Such foreign words

I remember once what the teacher has told us

In that class 

"Words have powerful meanings, if you write them perfectly"

I remember that till now

I also remember the satisfying feeling of the cold blade

Against my skin

At my wrist

The way how the cold metal

Contrasting against my warm wrist

The feeling how the rough and sharp edge

Slicing through my skin

Like a butter knife

As it slices through the butter

Its strangely satisfying

My hunger slowly sated

Each rough, erratic slice

It's perfect, but also unsettling for others

The uneven spread of blood

The cuts around my wrists

I feel so complete

So right

Nothing about this seems

Wrong

I take death as a release 

Death is ...

Something beautiful

I wished that I could be with the

Grim reaper

Be with

Death

Herself

It provides freedom to the broken

Provides us

A chance away from this cruel world

I, Jeiku once was a dignified man

Now broken and thrown out to the dirt

I know what's it like to be

Humiliated, and deeply used

As like the word hurt

Honesty

Is a gateway to hell

I just noticed how the cruel world works

It's built on lies, and mistrust

Built on structures of the wrong

And when we know too much

They kill us

The government says they are here to help

When they slowly collapse

When they slowly turn on us

If we know too much

We are a liability to them 

We must die

Thats how the world works

Thats how everything is

Now that I slowly realize everything

It hurts to know

The truth hurts

And it scorches around the area

Like a

Wildfire

My heart aches for someone to save me

Even if the entire world is against me

They fear death

I embrace death

It's just a moment till it comes

Even If I successfully kill myself

I'll always leave a legacy behind

Those are my final words

Even if I still survive

I'll never see the hope of light

Even if I don't see it

Will there ever be someone who loves me?

The way I am?