Who would want me?

Who sees me?

I am a shadow of who everyone sees

A person with a temper as thin as a feather

A person with too many problems to count

A face of pure pain and horror and fear

————

By human standards I have a good body

'Curved' and 'beautiful'

What others covet

One could say I'm lucky

But I hide it

Wide hips, small waist, torso curvy and eye-catching

I hide it all

I can't handle being 'beautiful' by the human expectation

I have all this

But my first thought when I see myself

In a mirror

'No one would love a person like this

With a face of a freak and an ugly one at that'

So I hide what people covet

The 'marvellously curvy body' that girls all 'so desire'

I hide it all away

So I can cry alone

Over everything that could have been

And over the 'truth' that I have sewn

————

My mental health's a mess

Of paranoia, anxiety and fear

I was just made different

And now I've lost all that was dear

The innocence of a child 

Was lost long ago

And yet here I stand

Hiding from what I know

I was born different

Asexual, I think?

Or maybe I just make it up

'Haven't found 'him' yet'

I was born a female

But was it who I'm meant to be?

What of the fact that

I may be nonbinary?

I have no interest in 'making love'

Or feelings for a single gender

I've had a crush on a girl, 

That I very much remember 

The boy I find as my focal point

In french class who lives near me

I have an interest in him

But what if it's only a friend I seek?

And what of the one I've never met, 

Does he factor in?

The one who always comforts me, 

Makes me comfortable in my skin?

Do I have a love for the one I've never known

Or is it merely a friendship I cherish more than most?

He makes me feel valued, 

So does that mean I like them?

Or does it simply mean I've grown desperate again?

So what if I'm aro/ace, 

that's a possibility

And my only romantic attractions make me panromantic 

On top of all I see?

It makes me feel no more accepted in the eyes

Of life around me

I may be everything

But I also might be none

I could just be the loner who wishes for someone

Someone who cares and knows

The pain of my life

To sit here and comfort, 

And hold me through the night

————

That's all I really want, 

To have someone who cares

And sits with me through it all

Despite the curious stares

But all that I will get 

Is the jeers and the teases

Of everyone I thought I knew

Who gives it up and leaves

I'll be left alone

Like so many times before

Strangled in the public eye

Like a devil's toy