Ahh, it made me tired writing this chapter. Longer than I usually write. Well, I need votes and comments. SILENT READERS PLS😏

Durre:

Lying down lazily in bed all day, I was literally tired. Though it was just my second trimester started, Saaleh treated me as if I was about to deliver anytime!

Sounded awkward , right? Yes it was! And today he had finally allowed me to get out of the bed, as he was taking me out to a park.

My back ache had got more terrible, and it was difficult for me to perform daily chores. Most of the time my feet were sore, I felt them numb. He hardly found any time for me these days as it got all the more busier for him, but at night he would make out for me by first helping me to set out the dinner and then he washed the dishes, warmed a tub of water with a pinch of salt for me and asked me to keep my feet immersed in them and after that he even used to massage my feet by placing it on his lap. He pampered me a lot and I felt blessed to be a wife of such a caring and God-fearing husband. He would wrap me in his arms, and whenever I moaned in pain due to my body aches getting worse, he too would get up,held my hand assuringly sporting an expression of pain on his face and would do his best to soothe me. He recited Surah Rahman in his tranquil voice which helped me a lot and that was good for the baby too.Yesternight he had promised me that he would be taking me to the park, taking a day's leave off from work and would spend whole time with me. He was very considerate. There was no doubt in it, that he was making me fall in love with him deeper than ever and even he did his best to make me forget my past.

My eyes were glued to the wallclock that still irritated me as much time was left to go. Despite of saying that he'd spent the day with me, an urgent call had demanded him to be there at hospital to operate a young boy. I was deciding whether I should call him or not as that might disturb him though I knew he kept his phone on silent during work hours, when I got a call from Ma'arij.

" Assalam o Alaikum my dear friend!! You know I've something great to tell you. "

Ma'arijs shrill voice resonated through the phone speaker,the excitement and cheerfulness in her voice narrated that her enthusiasm was of really great importance, maybe she was pregnant? Wow! I was getting impatient to hear. If that's so, we could possibly go for baby shopping together!

' Walaikum Assalam . Wow, just tell me don't keep me at a cliffhanger . What is it, are you pregnant? '

I was too silly I guess, or was that the hormones playing? Everything these days had turned either too sweet for me or too bitter, there was no plain stuff.

" Ya Allah! No! Why is everything for a married couple have to do with hearing always 'Are you expecting' 'Are you pregnant yet' 'When are you going to have your first kid' ? It's so annoying, arghh "

I suppressed my giggle by placing a hand on my mouth , really I swear it wasn't me... The baby inside me was doing this. All because of it.

' Uhmm okay sorry , proceed? '

I got embarrassed because of you 'baby inside' , ahh. Keeping a hand on my belly, I whispered to it. Even it might be thinking what a silly mom I was!

" Me and Mehmood are going to umrah! And that too for honeymoon ! Isn't that so special?? Just imagine, the rewards of getting to pray together and also the spiritual bliss we would be sharing. Alhamdulillah. The love that would be so serene.. "

' Oh wow Ma sha Allah. I thought you were... '

I bit my tongue before it further embarassed me, and jumped to switch the topic soon.

" When are we gonna meet then? I wish Khadijah was here too. "

' Forget about that Khadijah, okay I'll ask Mehmood about it. When are you going for baby shopping ? I'd love to accompany you! '

And then after talking a lil more we hung up. It was really an amazing news. I had to convey this to Saaleh now! I wanted a honeymoon too! Not honeymoon maybe, it could be called a familymoon? Yes, we were now a family! I, Saaleh and our lil baby!

I finally thought to call Saaleh after pausing and dialing then cancelling  and then dialing again . I heard the door bell ring and I was thinking of hiding behind the door, silly it might sound, but I WAS ANGRY WITH HIM, so yeah. But no . I wanted some fresh air!

" What took you so long Mr. Hus... "

When I opened the door, I was astonished to see someone else standing there in front of me, not my energetic and handsome hunk. Shoulders drooping low, his coat was hung on one of his shoulder and his shirt buttons were loose, sweat beads were trickling down his face and he looked very dull. Soon he entered the flat and collapsed on one of the sofa couch, the sight was horrifying me. However hard the work pressure was on him, he never lost his hopes. He was a remarkable professional , who could balance his work and family both. This was worrying me. I filled him a glass of water, and brought near to his lips. He drank all in one gulp.

" I lost... Durre, I lost... I.. am shattered into millions of tiny pieces , the operation was unsuccessful . "

Throwing his head down into his lap he began weeping uncontrollably . I let him be in that moment for few seconds when he continued again.

" Same thing happened, with my little Maryam. She passed away because of a doctor's unsuccessful attempt . "

I carefully, sat beside him and took his trembling form into my arms hugging his head closer to my bosom .Running my hands through his hair, I urged him to carry on.

" Allah will be upset with me. Right Durre shehwwar? Allah will not forgive me. I... I killed that boy! I could've saved him. "

' Ssh.. Listen to me now. '

I held his face closer to mine and looked straight in his eyes , trying to give out intense emotions of myriad of feelings.

' It was not you who took that boy's life, it was Allah. Neither that doctor's inefficiency took your daughter away from you. You know that verse right where Allah says,

O you who have believed, do not be like those who disbelieved and said about their brothers when they traveled through the land or went out to fight, "If they had been with us, they would not have died or have been killed," so Allah makes that [misconception] a regret within their hearts. And it is Allah who gives life and causes death, and Allah is Seeing of what you do.
(3:156) ..

Saaleh, I know the feeling of having a loved one distanced from you. My father never loved me like a daughter. He always thought of me as a burden to dispose off.Umm... Well, we were talking about you. '

He looked lost somewhere into oblivion , I pulled him to my heart again. He needed my warmth to dissipate in him, seep through him to calm his rugged state. He gave in to my efforts of soothing him and finally embraced me, snaking his arms around my slightly swollen abdomen.

" Then... Then.. Why did I lose today Durre? Never happened in my history of cases I operated or performed , never. My hands were shaking badly. The... The reason behind my success didn't even work. It was such a disgrace to announce the news to that boy's parents. They had entrusted their hope in me, when I had arrived rushing to the OT. I saw pain in his mother's orbs. The kind of pain when you are helpless and at the same time hopeful for a miracle. But, I broke their trust. I disappointed them... He was... He was their on.. Only child. Like maryam. "

Fresh set of tears had started cascading down his eyes wetting my shirt in the process. He had clenched my shirt from back with strong grip, it was getting suffocating to my abdomen.

I ran my fingers through his hair again, and wiped his tears.

' So you are upset because you lost the battle you had always been winning ? Or you are remorseful because that child reminded you of maryam somehow? '

He remained silent to that, now I understood that it was all because this scarily event pushed him back to gloom over his deceased daughter.

' Saaleh life is never always a win-win for anyone. You might be the King and still be toppled over by your own kingdom. You might be the one leading the race, but lag behind and lose. You might be a top successful business tycoon and despite of your clever strategies still have to face enormous losses at the hand of your rivals and their plots. This is all because Allah designed life this way only. You cannot appreciate the sweetness of a dessert , unless you get to have a spicy main course. '

He had got off the sofa and sat near my feet, bending his head down on my lap,arms still snaked around my waist , thankfully his hold was light.

" Hmm. "

He asked me to continue. I sighed a breath of relief, knowing that my words were effective towards him. Alhamdulillah.

' What I only mean to say is... Okay let me tell you one thing. You know Khadijah right? My friend? '

" Yeah so? "

He asked casually .

' We participated in a race and I purposefully let her win. Because that loss was my win. I was happy to see her smiling. '

" But the dead boy was not smiling at me Durre shehwar. "

' Uf. It's not about this. I want to explain that it's not necessary you win always. And accepting that you can lose to, makes you a real winner. Why be so obsessed with winning all the time? '

" You are demeaning me. "

' No I'm not. Don't take it to your man ego pls. Saaleh, the boy passed away because Allah had destined his death written in that way during that surgery, in that particular hospital, at that exact time. '

" 10:45 am "

' Saaleh. I know you are a passionate doctor, you work with enthusiasm and energy and you have fulfilled your oath taken at the convocation too, this was Allah's decree. You can't fight it. '

" Hey I'm not fighting for that ! "

' Then why aren't you accepting that things a doctor does is solely by the hands of Allah. If he gives shifa(cure/healing) through a doctor's hand, it's His shifa. His mercy. If He gives someone fighting for life, life through a doctor's aid, it's His aid. Gulp it down in one go, and understand that you're nothing except Allah's will. Give thanks to Allah right now. '

" Okay I'm ... "

He paused for a while thinking for a suitable word which would be filling the space, but I did it for him.

' thankful to Allah for each and every operation I have ever carried successfully . '

" May be I never actually paid attention to this. And... And the boy reminded me of my maryam so I just broke apart. I didn't even think that Nauzubillah I was blaming Allah indirectly . I feel ashamed now. "

' You do? So go get up and pray two rak'ahs of salat-ul-taubah , ask his forgiveness , and then we will go to the park. '

" Oh ... I .. I forgot about the park.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll go for the prayers now. Rest for a while, till then. "

He got up from the carpeted floor, and kissed my forehead , helped me lay down on the sofa and went towards the washroom to perform wadhu.

I was skimming through a magazine which had an article on pregnancy and my eyes stopped on few horror lines.

Saaleh:

I could hear her reading some book with close attention , so I planned to listen to her reading skills silently , to figure out if she would be a good story-reader to our kids or a ...

57 del units of pain, beyond the normal capacity of a human to bear pain.

The words I heard hit me like a hammer hits the nail. Wow, I didn't know that.

It's like squeezing out a watermelon out of your vagina.

When you get the contractions , its as if someone is twisting, wrenching your gut mercilessly .

You can get anesthesia or analgesia to lessen the feeling of your pain, but that won't really help. Epidurals, one of a kind is likely to help your pain away from below the belly-button,through a thin, tube-like catheter that's inserted in the woman's lower back.

' ASTAGHFIRULLAH NOOO... '

It was when I controlled my laughter badly, my baby was scared of injections and needles.

It's time to go for the hospital when contractions get more often in an hour's time. Like for eg every five mins or so.

' That means I'll have to endure for so long? '

" Hey, whom are you talking to? "

I finally broke the silence as if I hadn't heard anything .

I came towards her and was standing right in front of her and she didn't notice me because the horror lines had caught her badly.

' This magazine. It says a lot of awful things about pregnancy . I am scared. It is horrifying me. '

" Hahaha. Oh my poor wife. Close the magazine and let's go to the park. "

' You're laughing because you're a man! You don't have to go though so much that I'm going through ... '

few tears of resentment and fear strolled down her eyes which didn't go unnoticed by me.

" Meri warrior biwi ro rhi hay? Doesn't seem good. Get up, I'll treat you with an icecream okay? Because I don't even feel close to what you feel! "

Her eyes immediately shone up.

' Promise me then, daily. Three scoops of Strawberry vanilla. '

" Hmm. Okay with three? I was thinking about four or five. . but now as you said so... "

I was fascinated by the emerging glow on her face, pecking her lips quickly , I made her stand up.

And then we happily strode off to the park to spend some of our family time.

Indeed, Alhamdulillah. I was a lucky man to have such a gorgeous and wise wife.