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Khadijah:

It had been four hours since mom was taken into the ICU, I paced forward and backward anticipating any news regarding my mother's health . I wanted her. I loved her so much , I couldn't just let her leave me alone in this huge evil world. I had no one with me when I was suffering from this horrible time, but I was sure of One being that was always with me and even is with me right now. If not for Him, I would have lost my senses just on seeing that my mother was caught up in fire. I could have panicked, lost consciousness and left her there to die... Astaghfirullah no. I should think good, I should have a positive outlook towards life. I should expect good and better from Allah. As Allah says I give my servants of what they seek from me, what they think will happen, will actually happen.

" We are sorry, we tried our best but couldn't save your mother. She was burned 79% . "

The doctor came out of OT and gave this information in sympathetic tone. I felt my world crashing down around me, and the atmosphere sucking up any air left inside my lungs to suffocate me and push to death.

Nadir and his family were there here alongwith few other mom's relatives, they all weeped and consoled giving me terrible empathetic kind gestures but nothing was soothening my distressed nerves. It was a havoc inside me. I was the living phenomena of a person dead inside but breathing.

Nadir came and held me closer to his chest, his manly Cologne entering my senses and dampening my mood even further. I couldn't decipher anything. My mind was at better chances of getting held by shaytan and then he'd be easily manipulating in committing a sin.

I released myself from his hold and just without bothering of anyone I pushed open the door of OT and there she was lying down in so much pain , her face was almost burned but slightly recognizable . The skin sround her upper body was totally dark , the skin peeled off and the flesh was visible somehow. She was wrapped in beige white bandages and only her lower part of legs and private area was unharmed .Moving one step at a time, I slowly took her burnt lifeless hand in my hands and caressed her head. I kissed on top of her head and whispered to her as if she was hearing me.

Oh dear mother! I wish we had spent some more times together. I feel pathetic to know that I was the reason you went to the kitchen... If only I had not hidden the fact of me being a muslim and not lied to you about my staying fit for Nadir , you might've been alive. Breathing.

I sobbed lighlty. Tears cascading down my cheeks making their way to my mouth to have a tastw of life is going to be now for me. Salty.

Ammi jaan, I would have obeyed you if you asked me to leave the house on knowing that I accepted Islam as I knew your hatred towards Muslims. I know ammi you don't like my friends but they're very good Alhamdulillah. I feel blessed to have them in my life maa. Maa... I... Want you to secure me in your arms in your protective motherly embrace , I want to feel your scent enveloping me as you're there for me always and today and tomorrow and forever. Ammi I wish I could tell you how much I love you and for your Love's sake only I agreed marrying to Nadir. But not anymore maa. You know why I never shared things with you? That's because I knew your delicate heart couldn't take much stress. And Nadir clearly wasn't a good boy. Maa. I wanted you to be a Muslim too. I wished that some day , atleast any day in my life I would be able to tell you that Islam is not what the media depicts it, it's not what we since birth are brainwashed with. Islam is above that all. Islam is beautiful . Muslims are honest. The real Muslims . The real Islam.

Lighter sobs now turned into histerical crying, there was some privacy granted to me as I was her only close family and I was here sitting and crying my heart out in front of her.

I wish I could have said all this once and for one time only that she was in my life at a position After God and His Prophet SALLALAHU ALAIHI WASSALAM. Maa. You know the day I got faint? That was also because of him. He did many painful things to me. Maa I am your daughter I am strong and I promise you that I will keep my care from now onwards. It's hard for me to acknowledge this fact that now I have no one to be caring and showering their love on me. No one except Allah. I know you scolded me , you  were angry on me whenever I didnt obey you but I also know that you loved me... You loved me a lot... Maa, I had prayed to Allah that he release you from the terrors of jahannum but I think this was destined to be the way it is Maa... I think I have someone in my mind, who is invading my thoughts my dreams my sanity everything! His name is ...

And I was disturbed by the breaking open of OT door and in rushed the beast ,venom dripping from his eyes. And face containing the most sinister details ever possible. I hated his face . I hated his being , I hated to be anywhere near him!

" What were you saying babes? Sanity , your thoughts , your dreams ? Who invades them ? That molana terrorist? "

' N.. No... I was saying that about you. Maa wanted us to get married right ... Uhh Maa.. I miss her ... I miss my mother so much. '

And tears were uncontrollable again, they flowed freely without any resistance and without any hurdles.

I felt someone wiping my tears with the thumb pad ,softly and caressingly.

' Nadir..  you? .. W.. Why are you behaving like this. & WHERE YOU EAVESDROPPING? '

Then I saw that his family was standing by the door , oh so that was the reason.

' Aunty... I lost my mother .. I lost her... '

Nadir's mother or my would be mother in law was a very humble person, since the day of our engagement she always had been calling me as her beti. And now when she stood here, along with the pale form of my passed away  mother, I rushed towards her and hugged her. She too enveloped me in her arms and for few seconds just for few, i felt as if my mother was hugging me. I wiped my nose that was running due to overflown tears with a handkerchief aunty gave me and then sat beside her on the bench near mom's stretcher.

" Beti I know this is the most inappropriate time to say this... But I want to say you something. "

Aunty held my hand firmly and the feeling of genuineness swept inside me creating tingles in my heart, I wasn't able to hold so many emotions at a single time.

' What is... What is.. I.. It aunty? '

I managed to ask.

" Beti, my dear gurya. I know you've lost your mother but don't worry if Jesus wills I'll  embrace you as my daughter, I'll shower you love so much that you don't ever feel the emptiness of your parents in your life. I know it's very hard but Jesus will give you power, he will give you energy. Just pray and trust him. I will be always by your side.
I want to ask your hand in marriage with my son Nadir. Not now. It's upto you whenever you say yes, I'll be the most happy person on this earth . and now you will live with me. "

I had the idea that she might talk about this but I had to figure out something quicker to not break her trust on me and not loose her again, a motherly figure.

I will have to hide my Islam again for Allah knows how long, I wish Allah creates such circumstances for me that I'm relieved of this situation... Of hiding my Islam... It pains me whenever I can't offer salah on time and most of the times it got missed due to my mother's fear in my heart. And now when I'll be staying with them in their house, this meant more danger. Ya Allah help me!

I got out from the room and excused myself for washroom, as it was Maghrib time now. I washed my face with water several times, cold water running down my forehead in beads down my nose and lips wetting some of my hair too. I performed ablution and then stood facing kaabah for praying three rakats of Maghrib.

Who to better turn to in the time of distress and  agony than Allah?
Whom can we seek help from other than Him?
Who can provide you the love you need,except Him, The one who loves more than 70 mothers. Here I had lost one.
Anyone sane would think that I've gone mad at the demise news of my mother but in reality I had came more closer to Allah than any of the other days. Allah had embraced me in his hold. Gentle, firm and protective . I needed His love and He was there to love me.

I felt peace bowing down in sajdah and crying my heart out until there were no tears left. I quickly had a glance in the mirror, washed my face again and went towards the area where everyone was seated. But while still in the corridor, my wrist was caught and I turned back to find the one whom I dreaded the most.

" I saw you praying. You filthy daughter of .. "

My eyes turned the size of saucers when I saw Nadir standing just at the entrance of prayer area.