'Broken glass. It's just like glitter, isn't it?'
                                                        – Pete Doherty
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It had been a while since I had dreams, especially ones that haunted me:

The room looked like our dining room.

Oh NO. Not this one. Please. Anything but this...
I tried to reach out to the people at the table. But I couldn't get closer to them. I was a third person in this family.

There were four people on the table: Mom, Dad, a thirteen year old me, and... there she was,
Maddy.

"You know, Eva, when you become a chef-", Maddy started, with a smug look on her face.

"I'm becoming a chef?", I asked, with incredulity.

"Of course! Anyways, when you become a chef, the first recipe you are going to learn is that of lasagna", she said in a mock-serious way. I stole a glance at the lasagna on the table. I made a gaging noise. Maddy glared at me.

"What?! I hope you get sick over lasagna. Its an unhealthy obsession", I preached. There I was, thirteen year old Eva, telling her eighteen year old sister not to eat lasagna. How dumb I looked.

Ok, ok. That's enough.
Stop at the happy parts.
Come on Eva! Wake up!

But...
I think a part of me still wanted to see, again, what happ-

No Eva! Save yourself from the pain...

"Oh, so you're gonna teach me what a healthy obsession is, then?", she asked teasingly and picked me up bridal style. My eyes widened.

"Uh no. I was just... Eh, talking to myself... And-", and the sofa came into my view, "Oh, no Maddy. I'm sorry. Let me- Aaaahhhhh!", with that I fell onto the sofa.

"You were saying?", she teased.

"I'm sorry?", I tried.

"Too late", and with that she fell into me and started tickling me. I could hear Mom and Dad chuckling in the background.

"I'm sorry!", I screamed, squirming on the sofa.

"What's that?", she strained her ear.

"I'm really sorry Maddy!", I pleaded.

"Yeah sure", she said, disbelieving me. But she did scoop me up and take me back to the dining hall. She put me back on my chair.

As she retreated her hands, they brushed against my glass. It played on the edge and then plummeted to my death.

Yes. Plummeted to my death.

"Maddy!", I shouted and lunged for the glass. But I was too late. The glass broke and my hands dived right into the splinters. The scene broke off at my scream.

At once another scene popped into my head.

The outside of a hospital room.

Maddy's red curtain of hair was over her face, which was bent over her knees. Her back was heaving up and down in ragged breaths. She was crying.

I reached out to Maddy this time.
But once again, I was the third person.

Mom stepped to Maddy's side and started rubbing her back.

"Don't be so upset Maddy. It wasn't your fault", Mom whispered.

"Don't tell me its not my fault. We all know exactly what happened", Maddy hissed back. Mom looked so upset, like she was on the verge of tears.

Dad came and put his arm around Mom. He looked like he was about to say something, when the doctor came out. Maddy suddenly stood up, her face full of anticipation. Dad and Mom both whipped their heads to his direction at the same time.

Like all stereotype doctors, he removed his stethoscope from around his neck, wouldn't look at any of them in the eye and sighed.

"Oh no", I heard Maddy mutter under her breath.

Under normal circumstances, I would've chuckled.
Biggest joke in the world.
Stereotype doctors and the things they do.

But now,
I wasn't so sure...

"As you know, Eva has lost a lot of blood and lost even more in the process of taking out the glass", the doctor said, thankfully not in a monotonous way, therefore breaking the stereotypes.

"To think we have doctors to save lives", I heard Dad mutter. The doctor whipped his head to scowl at Dad.

"We need someone to donate blood for her", the doctor finished.

"Me!", cried out Maddy," Both of our blood groups are the same. The least I can do to fix this is give her my blood!".

"No way Maddy. You are anaemic!", Mom protested.

"If she is anaemic, I would not recommend giving her blood", doctor intervened, suddenly monotonous. Probably feeling awkward.

"Screw his recommendations. I'm going to do it!", Maddy stamped her foot like an eight year old.

"Madonna. Watch your language. And No!", Mom decided

"Aaarghh!", she let out a guttural roar and stomped her way down the hall.

"Madonna", Dad called out, his voice edged with warning.

"Madonna Claire Matthews! Get back here", Mom shouted. But Maddy left.

NO! PLEASE MADDY!
STAY!
DAD WILL DONATE!
PLEASE MADDY!
Please...

In a flash the scene changed.

It looked like the outside of the hospital, I could see the garden in the front. The only colour out here, under the grey clouds – of the sky and my mood – was Maddy's red hair. Her head was bent over her phone and after a few seconds she put it over her ear.

"Hey Pam", Maddy's voice was flat.

Pam?
Pam.
Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam Pam
Pam!

Pamela Ravn. Pamel– Oh no!
This is too close to the end,
Wake UP, Eva!

"Can I get a lift from the hospital?", Maddy asked.

"Thanks darling", and she disconnected the call. After put the phone in her jeans' pocket, she hugged her arms like she was keeping herself warm.

As if.
Maddy had the DNA of a polar bear.
The cold didn't bother her.

She was holding herself in one piece.

I wanted to hold her in my arms and comfort her.
But what did I expect? I was third person here too.
I was tired of being so insignificant...

About five minutes later, the car came.

The car.
The blue Cadillac.
The. Car.

I reached out to stop Maddy from getting into the car. I couldn't. At least I could get into the car.

"Where do you wanna go?", Pam's silvery voice asked

"Let's hit the highway. Its been a long day", Maddy rubbed her temples.

"Sure", and Pam revved the engine.

The whole ride both of them kept quiet, Maddy's head in her hands.

Once we reached the highway, Pam smashed the accelerator and turned up the music. We were going too fast, way over the limit. I tried to tell Pam to slow down.

As if Maddy heard me, she told Pam,"Pam, maybe we should sl– Aaaahhh!!", a shrill cry pierced me. And the impact crushed the side of the car.

Suddenly I was outside, watching the scene take place in front of me. The black Volvo hit the right side of the Cadillac and crushed the metal like it was paper. The car spun across the road along with the Volvo, looking like a hurricane of black and blue, and it stopped at the side of the road.

The right side, Maddy's side, was completely under the Volvo. I heard someone call out her name. Frantically, but it was distant and I didn't care. I was too much under shock. My face felt numb. I could only stare at the scene. I didn't even flinch when I saw blood drip onto the road from the right door. Her name was still being yelled, but I didn't ca–

"Eva! Eva! Its okay darling! We're here baby!", I head a frantic voice. Mom.
"Mom... Maddy...", I slurred, still wary from sleep.
"I'm sorry darling", that made me realise. Dad was there too.

Oh God Eva...

Then he propped me against the head rest of my bed.
"Did I trouble you?", I asked, scared. I'd deprived them of sleep to many times in the past years. And to think that I thought that I had finally got a grip on myself...
"No darling. You only screamed and cried. Things I can handle", Mom reassured me with a small smile.

So that was me, calling out to Maddy. Right...

Suddenly I felt... Annoyed.
With myself.

But why was I screaming?
What was I thinking?
What did I think I would get from screaming?
Why, Eva?
Why?

If I was going to say my next words aloud, I would've straightened my jaw, hardened my face and turned my head to one side.

No one can change the past, Eva.
Get over it.