Hetha

"Family..."

I recalled my father, my younger brother and the most problematic of all, my lovely mother. To me, all three of them were bastards. One was emotionless, the other liked to play ignorant victim, and the last was a control freak stuck in an absurd traditional mindset. For my mother, I was nothing but a pretty doll for her to control, and to my father, I was the burden that tore his picture perfect family apart. Whereas, for my younger brother, he thought I dragged him into unnecessary problems that he didn't want in his life.

Nevertheless, in my previous life, I was heavily involved in a political scandal and my emotionless father barged in from nowhere, sacrificing his life for me. I had already cut myself off from my family, but it turned out that it wasn't mutual on both ends.

"Family, huh..."

With the stressful emotions rushing to my head, I felt as if I could use a cigarette, but it was a bad habit I picked up from my past life. Thus, I decided to forgo that habit and take a slow walk back home.

There was a sheltered pathway built from the train station to my house. Fortunately, that was something that the useless government thought of for the sake of the people. I headed down the large corridor connected to the sheltered pathway, and just then, the billboard that covered the walls of the large corridor began playing a strange announcement. It was an emergency news report, but it was obvious that this wasn't an official news issued by the government since they preferred to keep news like these under wraps, and the setting of the news report was rather informal.

"Breaking news coming straight to you from our XXXX channel. It has been almost two years since the "North Isolation" incident happened. We recently located a victim of that incident that managed to escape from the "North Isolation" incident. For their safety, we have kept their identity hidden."

"My brother helped me escape, but he is still stuck inside there! It has been a year since I escaped, but I haven't heard any news from my brother. I never want to go back there. That place...that place is hell. It's nothing but hell. Pure agony and torment. I...I really..."

"We are unable to continue the interview due to the distress the victim was experiencing recalling those traumatic memories. Until when will the government ignore the cries and pleas of these people? Isolating half of the country to ensure the other half survives isn't the right choice!"

The billboard was abruptly turned off, and an announcement resounded throughout the train station about something related to malfunctioning equipment. I continued staring at the black billboard for a little while before letting out a scoff, looking away.

Right now, I should focus on facing my family that I departed on bad terms with ever since I was twenty-three years old.

I died when I was thirty-five, closing in on thirty-six.

It has been fourteen years.

Just then, my phone began to vibrate and I shifted my eyes towards the screen. There were multiple phone calls coming from the same blocked number. I sighed, knowing that it was none other than my lovely mother.

×××

Ever since I was young, I had repeatedly tried to run away from home but I was always brought back by the law enforcers. I always ensured I left the house the earliest, and arrived home just before curfew. After which, I would lock myself in my room and never come out unless I had to get food or water. The lesser I saw my family, the lesser arguments we would get in. Thus, it wasn't a lie when I spent most of my life outside, and living outside in poor conditions was something I preferred living in a luxurious cage where every single movement of mine is scrutinised.

A well-maintained bungalow.

Prim and proper garden.

Everything about this house screams luxury.

A mocking smile appeared on my rosy, pink lips and I glanced down at myself. My denim jeans and white blouse were stained with dirt, and my wavy black hair was in an absolute mess. It was obvious since I had to rush home from my part-time job which was located far away from this opulent section of this country. Someone in that house would definitely explode upon seeing me in such a manner.

"Young miss! You are finally home! The madam is about to call the police because you didn't follow the curfew!"

A uniformed woman dashed to the gates, signalling for the guards to hastily open them up. The low rumble of the gates opening made me dread the reunion with my dysfunctional family.

"It's only ten minutes after nine."

"Oh goodness, young miss! Look at your current state! If the madam saw you like this, she would faint on the spot!"

"Forget it, leave it be. I'm going in like this."

"Young miss! You are going to be scolded–"

"Get lost."

I shoved away the maid trying to stop me and she let out a small scream, falling to the grass patch. I gasped and took a step back as the maid simply gave me an aggrieved stare. In the end, I steeled myself and harrumphed, marching towards the doorstep. The doormen were alarmed to see me, but I didn't stop and they hastily opened the doors.

"...!"

I expected to see my mother behind the doors, but the first person I saw was my impassive father. The moment he saw me, he blinked rapidly in shock before approaching me, looking up and down at my dishevelled state.

"Dad."

"Go get changed."

"If I don't greet mother, she'll–"

"I'll tell her you are in the shower, if you see her in your current state, she will do more than confine you to your room."

I nodded obediently, heading towards the stairs before I halted in my steps.

If I don't gather the courage to ask it now, I'm afraid I will never find another chance to ask this question ever again. Moreover, I have made another promise to myself if I had another chance in life.

I would not head down the same path.

Even when it comes to my family, I am willing to choose a different ending. Whether the ending is still a bad or good one, I couldn't decide for now. All I knew was that I didn't want my father to meet the same ending he did in my previous life.

"Dad."

My father gazed up at me from the bottom of the stairs. There were streaks of grey hair blending in with his black hair, and his face which I always used to find imposing had a hint of fatigue. I never noticed the wrinkles on his face either, until now.

Did he always look this tired and old?

He should be...around his late fifties now.

"If there were ever a day I put myself in harm's way, would you be even more disappointed in me?"

"Disappointed?"

"What am I asking?" I said, showing a bitter smile. "Of course you are always disappointed in me."

"Xue Yi," his gruff and brusque voice made me flinch, and I didn't dare to lift my head up since he would only see my conflicted expression. "You are being nonsensical."

Qiu Xue Yi.

I really hate that name of mine.

In this life, I want nothing to do with it either.

I inhaled deeply, adjusting my expression and forcing myself to remain nonchalant as I shrugged my shoulders, meeting my father's eyes. "I am stating the truth. You said I was the burden of this family, did you not?"

His eyes widened in disbelief. "Did I ever say that?"

"Did you ever..." I trailed off in shock, exhaling sharply and feeling a surge of anger rushing through me. "Forget it, I didn't say anything."

I spun around, my anger fizzling out and I was consumed by sadness.

He doesn't even remember the words he said.

Why should I expect anything different this time?

I headed up the stairs, and apparently, something awoke within my father who would usually keep things to himself. He called my name in such an urgent voice, I couldn't help but stop myself.

"Xue Yi!"

"..."

"I don't ever remember saying those words to you."

Of course you don't, since in your eyes, I am a useless daughter.

"And I have never once been disappointed in you."

I gasped at those words, lifting my head up in surprise. I slowly turned back and met my father's eyes. He might still appear impassive in people's eyes, but I could hear the urgency and sincerity in his voice. His face that was always imposing and cold was now twisted with anxiety.

"What if I put myself in harm's way, like an idiot?"

"People make mistakes all the time. That's why, as a parent, it's only natural I teach my child to stand up again like I did."

"...wh-why?" I questioned, my voice shaking slightly.

The memories of my past life flashed through my mind. Even after I separated myself from this family, my father never once gave up on me. He protected me from a distance without my knowledge.

But why?

What did I ever do for him? All I ever did was cause him trouble.

We never loved each other like a normal family would.

"Because you are my daughter."

I couldn't find the words to respond to my father. His bewildered expression as if he was shocked he had to say something so obvious made me emotional. Perhaps, all this time, I had misunderstood something about my father. Even if he said hurtful words to me, at the end of the day, he truly cared for me like an actual father would.

"Qiu Xue Yi!"

I was startled at the familiar shrill voice that called out for my name. I turned around, and at the top of the stairs, my mother stood there with her arms on her hips. Behind her, my younger brother with the same honey-brown eyes like mine, and short black wavy hair raised his arms up in a helpless manner. It seemed like he tried to hold back my mother earlier, but it was futile.

"You came back after nine, and you still have the guts to appear like this before me?! You are a young lady, how could you–!"

My younger brother glanced over to me, smiling sheepishly before looking away as if he was guilty.

I'm doomed.

I closed my eyes in defeat.

This brat just had one job, and because of him, I'm completely doomed.

"You are grounded for a month! And no more going to that part-time job of yours! I'm telling the manager that you are quitting as of right now!"

I sighed, raising my hand to my forehead.

×××

Memory Diary of Hetha: #28

"Go get changed! Qiu Xue Yi, if you dare loiter outside like this in this state ever again..."

"Shut up, you old hag."

"Ol–old hag?!"

Hetha rolled her eyes, ascending the stairs as she walked away from her speechless mother. She raised her middle finger, not caring who she offended. Her mother pointed accusingly at the young lady marching up the stairs, looking at her husband and her son.

"Look...look at this disobedient daughter of yours! She is lucky I am not grounding her!"

"Ground her then, mom. If it makes you happy."

"Qiu Jun An!"

Her son flinched, raising his arms up in surrender and scrambling back to his room.

"Aren't you tired of this?"

"So it's my fault now? I'm teaching her how a daughter and a pretty young lady like her should behave! If she continues on like this, people will look down on her and she'll suffer!"

"Liying, times are different now."

"Are you telling me to turn my back on the teachings of my parents? How could I do something so disrespectful like that? Have you no shame as a filial son?"

Qiu Muchen rubbed at the space between his eyebrows, sighing in frustration. He shook his head in resignation.

"I'm tired of this. It's always you and me saying a word, and it escalates into a fight. Forget it, let's stop talking here."

"How can you speak to me like that, Muchen? I'm doing what's best for this family."

"Stop conforming our son and daughter to gender roles like that. Before they are male and female, they are people with feelings."

"I...I am not doing anything like that! Just the other day, do you know what happened to Jingyi's daughter? Just because she dressed like a boy, and acted like a boy, she was ostracised in school. In the end, what happened? That poor girl tried to kill herself! There is also the case with

"Enough!" Muchen yelled, making his wife flinch back in shock. "How does other people's business relate to our children?"

Liying felt extremely wronged, her eyes welling up with tears.

Ever since she was young, her mother had emphasised what a woman should be. There were certain lines that cannot be crossed, and if they were to disobey their mother, their strict father would enforce severe punishment upon them. Moreover, it wasn't just her mother and father who emphasised on this. It was ingrained in her from every possible source of education, whether it was school, her teachers or even books.

If one could name it, they would call this brainwashing.

"Living like this is just a big burden." Muchen muttered to himself without thinking.

Liying scoffed in disbelief. "Are you...are you saying we are all your burdens?"

Muchen was too angry to say anything else, merely clicking his tongue and walking away to his office at the far end of the corridor on the second storey. Liying only remained on the spot, burying her face in her hands as she sobbed to herself.

"...you think I am happy living like this, Muchen?"

Unbeknownst to them, Hetha was hiding in the corner, overhearing the same conversation. She was surprised to see her father losing control over his emotions for once. However, after hearing those last few words, her heart had grown cold.

What's the point of staying in this dysfunctional family?