Demi

I stayed sitting on the balcony for a long time, immersed in my thoughts. It was such a frustratingly hard position to be in. I had Wilmer just out of reach, but it was impossible for me to get any closer. It wasn't like we had a fight and broke up, it was simply quitting him cold turkey. I didn't even have anger to stop myself from thinking of him. It was like we were in love, and the he was gone.

"MOMMA?!"

I jumped out of my chair so fast I got lightheaded, and stumbled back into the hotel room. Emily was sitting up straight, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm right here." I said, getting on the bed and pulling her against me. 

"You weren't here." She whimpered, her fingers fisting my t-shirt. "The bad man!"

"He's not gonna hurt you." I murmured, tightening my hood around her. "I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you ever again."

She continued to cry, her tears staining my shirt that she maintained her death-grip on. Eventually, I gave up on soothing her and simply laid back with her on my chest, letting her cry it out. This had happened last week, when she woke up screaming from a nightmare she wouldn't talk about. All I could do was wait it out.

Kelsey came in after a little while, after Emily had finally exhausted herself back to sleep.

"Is everything okay?" She asked, once she got closer and saw the tear tracks on her cheeks.

"Yeah." I smiled and carefully moved Emily off of me, but kept one hand on her back as I sat up. She wrinkled her nose and wrapped one arm around my thigh, snuggling into my leg. "She has... I don't know what they are, episodes? She gets so scared and I can't figure out how to calm her down. She just cries until she falls asleep, then wakes up and won't talk about it."

"Hopefully the therapy will help."

"Hopefully." I sighed and looked down at her. "I just don't want her to turn out the way I did."

Kelsey watched my face for a moment. "That really scares you, doesn't it?"

"Of course it does. How could it not? She's been through even more than me, it's almost inevitable."

"She has you though."

"I don't know how much help I'll be." I bit my lip. "Her odds would be better with Wilmer in the picture... both of our odds will be."

"You don't think he'll come to his senses?"

"No." I smiled sadly and shook my head. "He's made his decision, and I have to respect it."

"Would you take him back?"

"I don't know." I looked down at Emily and gently smoothed her hair back. "I'm so disappointed in him, and hurt. We were supposed to be in this together, that's what marriage is supposed to mean. That's what I thought our marriage was. You don't know how much it scares me that he doesn't want kids, because that's what we've always wanted."

Kelsey nodded. "It's not wrong to miss him."

"I can't even think about it." I felt my eyes begin to sting and swallowed hard. "He's everything to me, absolutely everything." The tears spilled over and I quickly wiped at them. "I miss him." She pulled me into a hug and I closed my eyes. "I know I have to be strong, for Emily. I know that, but I just want to cry all the time. I'm tired of sleeping alone."

My voice cracked on the last word and I finally broke, submitting to the tidal wave of emotions I felt. I leaned my head on Kelsey's shoulder and she wrapped her arms around me. I didn't know how to express how much my heart hurt over losing Wilmer.

"I wouldn't change it though." I whispered, looking over at Emily. "I wouldn't ever be able to give her up and get Wilmer. I couldn't live with myself."

"That's why you didn't even think of it." Kelsey reassured me. "Wilmer should've never put you in that situation, Demi."

I sighed heavily. "I love him more than anything... I just wish he felt the same way."

"He does love you."

"I'll always love him more." I sighed and shook my head. "It felt like it was so easy for him to just walk away from me, from our marriage. I never had to worry about him, our relationship was as easy as breathing when it was good. Even during the bad times I didn't ever think he'd leave for good."

~*~

Instead of going out, Kelsey, Emily, Max and I had room-service for dinner. I got Emily Mac-and-Cheese after finding out she'd never had it, and the moment she took a bite her eyes were wide as saucers.

"Like it?" I asked, with Kelsey recording her. Emily nodded vigorously, her mouth full and cheese sauce smudged on her chin. "Good."

Once we were finished eating we sat down to watch a movie, and eventually decided on . Emily surprised me by leaning her head on Kelsey- She never willingly touched someone other than me unless it was necessary. I smiled softly and rubbed her back, but I couldn't focus on the movie.

As usual, my thoughts surrounded Wilmer. It had hardly been a month and I was already so incredibly lonely. I hated going to sleep knowing I'd be waking up alone again. It would've been better had we ended in a screaming match, instead there was no closure, and hundreds of unanswered questions.

~*~

I woke up with Emily's body wrapped around me. I sighed and unwinded myself from her, then went to stand out on the balcony. I hated lying in bed- the cold sheets only reminded me I was alone.

That loneliness broke me again, and I found myself dialing his number.

"Hello?"

"Hi." I murmured, then hesitated, unsure what I had even called for. He seemed to understand, neither of us speaking for almost a full minute until I let out a deep breath. "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

I wiped at my eyes and looked up. "Please come home."

"Demi..." He sighed and shook his head. "I don't know how to come back. I hurt you, a lot."

"I don't care." I said quickly. "You're already forgiven."

"I left for a reason."

"Because you didn't want to be a father, I know." I wiped at my eyes and shook my head. "I'm not ready to be a mother either, but I have to try. I can't walk away from this."

"I'm not asking you to."

"Then how do we fix this?" I sank into the chair and buried my face in my hands. "Because this isn't working. I can't do this without you- waking up, going to sleep alone. It's driving me fucking crazy."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry. It sounds like you've already decided." 

"What do you want me to say then?" 

"Just try again." I ran my hand through my hair and took a deep breath. "Please, Wilmer. Just try again. I'm not asking you to be her father, I'm asking you to be my husband." 

He was quiet for a long time. "Are you home?" 

"I'm in New York." 

"New York? What? Why?" 

I took another deep breath. "I... A guy kind of threatened me in a park, he talked about my dad." 

"Jesus what the hell? Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I guess it wasn't really your business anymore. I didn't want that to be the reason you came back." 

He took a slow deep breath. "I'll think about it." 

"Okay." I felt some of my anxiety lift at his concession. "That's all I'm asking." 

"I love you." 

"I love you too, Wilmer." 

We hung up and I sat there for a couple moments, watching the cars below. I don't know why I kept calling Wilmer, because each time it left me feeling more and more empty. The hope that he would change his mind was growing, but I knew it would only hurt more when he decided against it.  

~*~

It turns out, me being in New York wasn't much of a secret, and neither was Emily. Already tabloids had gotten wind of her- I had my suspicions of the man in the park having something to do with it. When we left to go the studio, paparazzi had bombarded the entrance so we were forced to make a circle around Emily, Kelsey, and I. I could feel Emily start shaking the moment we opened the door into the madhouse of reports, and felt her arms tighten around my neck into a death grip. 

"We've got to move hotels." I said to Max. "Make sure the staff isn't known for leaking things." 

"I'll be on it, but it might take a day or two to get a block of rooms." 

I nodded, then focused my attention on Emily. "You're okay now, I know that was scary." 

"Bad men." She whispered, not loosening her grip at all. 

"They won't hurt you." I kissed her head and leaned back in the seat, letting out a slow deep breath. It wasn't often I got mobbed, but when it did my anxiety kicked into overdrive. I knew I had to focus on Emily, but I could still feel my heart beating too fast. 

"Demi." I opened my eyes and saw Kelsey giving me a wary look. 

"I'm fine." I mouthed, then looked out the window, absentmindedly rubbing Emily's back. After a couple minutes, she shifted and turned her head to watch too. Her eyes were red from crying, but finally her body relaxed and I knew the worst of it was over. 

When we got to the studio, one of my favorite producers, Oak, was waiting for me. He smiled widely when he saw Emily and crouched down to her level. 

"Hi sweetie, what's your name?" 

"Emily." She said shyly, leaning into my leg. 

"Hey, Emily. You can call me Oak, alright?" 

"Okay." 

He smiled at her again, then hugged me. "How's it going, Dems?" 

"It's going." I smiled weakly.

"Ready to let it all out? You got a song in mind today?" 

"Yeah, I've got some stuff written. Just start recording, we'll hammer out the instrumental." 

"Okay." He nodded his head and sat in the chair. "You want piano or a guitar?" 

"Piano." I sat Emily on the couch and smiled. "Sit here for a bit while I go into the booth. If you need anything, ask Kelsey. Okay?" 

"Okay." She smiled and I kissed her forehead before I got up and walked into the recording booth.  

I started off by going through some chord progressions that eventually drifted into a melody. Oak was patient, watching quietly as I focused and eventually pulled out the small piece of paper I had scribbled lyrics on after my phone call with Wilmer this morning. 

"You know me and honestly, I'm better without ya, don't you got my checking on my phone by the hour." I glanced at Oak and saw he was nodding at me to continue. "Baby, I'm hoping I'm praying, my knees weak I'm shaking. Cause' you know that I always needed saving, now I'm fucking lonely." I swallowed hard before I continued. "And you didn't want me, trying to show me that you didn't own me. All you do is leave me fucking lonely, knees on the concrete. Got up, I'm bleeding, for no god damn reason. All you do is leave me fucking lonely." 

I leaned back and Oak smiled widely. "That sounds good, Demi. Really good. I think we've got a hit. You've got any other lyrics?" 

"Not really, I've had writer's block. This just popped into my head this morning." 

"Alright, no problem. We'll just go from here." 

By the end of the day, Oak and I had finished the vocals for the song and now all that was left to do was the production elements. 

"You've got a good line up of songs." He smiled at me. "You gonna make it into an album anytime soon?" 

"Once the timing's right." I sighed, picking up my purse. "It's hard right now, with... everything." 

"Yeah." He glanced Emily who was occupied by Kelsey's phone and smiled again. "I'm guessing by that song things are rough with Wilmer?" 

"Rough doesn't even cover it." I sighed and smiled. "But, gotta keep going." 

"Take it one day at a time." Oak pulled me into a tight hug. "You two will work it out."

I forced a smile, but mentally cracked a bit more. In truth, I didn't know if Wilmer and I would be able to get through it this time. Even though I missed him, and wanted him, I was still incredibly angry with him. He was right on the phone this morning; he did hurt me, worse than I ever expected him to. 

We got through the mob of photographers at the hotel, and Emily seemed less anxious this time, although again her grip on my jacket was white-knuckled. We ordered room-service again for dinner, and Emily threw a bit of a tantrum when I informed her she wasn't allowed to eat waffles for every meal (breakfast had been a hit). Ultimately, she settled for chicken fingers and french fries, but I knew tomorrow morning would be another battle. After dinner, she cuddled up next to me on the couch, and we watched HGTV until I carried her to bed. 

~*~

"Demi?" 

I opened my eyes and saw Kelsey standing there, a nervous look on her face. I glanced at the clock and saw it was after 2 AM. 

"What's wrong?" I put my hand up to touch Emily's back to make sure she was still there. "What happened?" 

"Nothing!" She said, too quickly. "I'm just gonna take Emily for a few minutes, okay?" 

"Why?" I didn't protest when she picked Emily up. "Kelsey, what the fuck is going on?" 

She gave me a weak smile then walked out. She closed the door behind her but I could hear her voice turn cold. "You have five minutes. If I lose my job over this, I'm gonna fucking kill you." 

I sat up straight, and a moment later the door pushed open. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love a good cliffhanger! 

Comment and Vote!

Twitter: Lovatic_Chica

-Rachel